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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the month “February, 2018”

One Mystery Solved

stonehenge

Was Stonehenge used by ancient astronomers to track the movements of the sun and the moon? Was Stonehenge a calendar used to mark the changing of the seasons? Was it used specifically as a tribal burial ground? Was it built for religious purposes? Was it left behind by aliens?

Don’t be ridiculous–the druids got it from Ikea and they just couldn’t figure out how to put it together.

The druids were notorious for their inability to follow instructions. Why do you think they followed the flight of birds; they were absolute garbage at maps.

Fred and Myrtle Glengoogly were following a friends instructions to a solstice celebration, they took a wrong turn and wound up in Holland.

Stonehenge looked fantastic in the showroom.

“How hard could it be to put together?” Fred asked Myrtle.

“How hard was it to follow a map to the solstice celebration?” Myrtle retorted.

“We took one wrong turn,” Fred responded.

“Yes we did. We took one wrong turn across the English Channel…you never want to follow the flight of birds.”

“I don’t need to follow a bunch of stupid birds,” Fred said angrily. “Besides, do you want to live in an earthen hovel your entire life? It’s damp and there’s spiders.”

“You’ll never get that thing together,” Myrtle told him.

Fred got it anyway.

Fred and Myrtle were soon separated following several bitter arguments revolving around the 437 different types of screws that came with Stonehenge and one particularly unfortunate remark about the placement of a stud mount.

Myrtle and the earthen hovel are long gone, but Stonehenge remains as a reminder to us all not to buy crap from Ikea.

ikea

How hard could this be?

flintstone house

How Stonehenge was supposed to look.

 

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You Put What in Your Mouth Now?

That is just horrifying.

What the…?

In a previous post, I mentioned that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England, set a world record by eating 36 cockroaches in less than a minute.

You think that’s revolting? Sean Murphy of Lansing, Michigan, set a world record by holding 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth at one time.

This is just one Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I don’t even want to be in the same room with one of these.

Just a few weird world records that caught my eye:

Kim Goodman of the U.S. set a world record by popping her eyes out 12 mm, in a competition in Turkey.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villian: Bug-eyed.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villain: Bug-eyed.

Ilker Yilmaz of Istanbul, Turkey, set a world record by squirting milk from his eye, a distance of 9 feet and 2 inches.

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey, has the worlds longest nose, measuring 8.8cm from bridge to tip.

what is going on with the weirdness in Turkey.

You think your eyes are big? Take a look at this.

You think your eyes are big, Kim? Take a look at this thing.

In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, set a world record by blowing spaghetti out of his nose a distance of 19cm.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well...they were sobbing anyway.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well…they were sobbing anyway.

169 is the record for the most people to get inside one pair of underwear.

I know what you were thinking: this is just a cheap set-up for an off-color joke about some celebrity–shame on you.

Don't you want to be a Pepper too?

Don’t you want to be a Pepper too?

The world’s horniest animal.

Shame on you again.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. Also holds the record for most damage done in a china shop.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. He also holds the record for the most damage done in a china shop.

And finally: the title of the author of the world’s most irritatingly pointless blog goes to…

drooling smiley

Yeah–that’s me.

What the Hell Else are You Gonna do with Your Time?

changeThere’s been a change. It’s not a big change, like that time I shaved all the hair from my body and had William Shatner’s face tattooed on my left butt cheek, but it is a change nonetheless.

There’s a new tagline to this blog: idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

You may be thinking there are a ton of things you could do with your time that are more fruitful than reading this blog; things that improve your life, or improve the life of others, or even make you a more productive human being.

But you’re not doing any of those things are you? You’re reading this blog.

Loser.

Do you think I would waste any time reading this blog? I barely put any thought or effort into writing it.

I considered going with: idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians, as my tagline, but the reality is: the Russians influence everything I do.

Every time I watch Rocky 4 and Rocky beats Drago, I weep like a little baby.

Maybe I’ll get Dolph Lundgren’s face tattooed to my right butt cheek.

Do svidaniya comrades.

rocky 4

I’m getting all misty eyed right now.

I Apologize for this Post in Advance

Crabman

The Crabman would never serve this.

A Tokyo-based eatery opened last month with the house specialty of “poo-flavored curry.”

Not poo-flavored as in Winnie the Pooh, because that would just be weird. They’re serving feces-flavored curry.

I know! What the hell is going on?

To be fair, the dish doesn’t contain any actual feces, just natural ingredients like green tea, bitter gourd, and cocoa powder that, when combined, looks and tastes similar to human defecation.

When asked how they know the curry tastes similar to human defecation, one of the waitstaff just hung his head and muttered that he was bitterly underpaid.

To enhance the illusion, the crap-flavored curry is served in a porcelain bowl meant to resemble a bedpan — yeah that’s it.

japanese curry

What the hell is going on?

Evidently the poo-flavored curry is the brainchild of executive chef Ken Shimizu, who designed the dish to remind people of his other line of work: as a male porn actor who has…wait for it…eaten feces in some of his films.

Seriously, what the hell is going on?

ken shimuzu

This is the man I want preparing my food. (Also, the least disturbing picture of him I could find.)

Note: I for one am astounded that no one has previously tried to combine fine dining with fetish-porn. The two go together like…there is no way to finish the sentence that isn’t unusable…horrifyingly unusable.

Unfortunately for Ken (How many different ways could this sentence end?) his restaurant’s own market research has determined 85 percent of people would never order the dish based on the description of the meal.

A quick question to the other 15 percent: What The Hell Is Going On?

Reportedly one customer couldn’t stomach the meal and vomited into his bowl, immediately giving Ken an idea for a new dish.

Final note: I made-up that last part, but you believed it didn’t you? Again: my apologies.

Pooh

Reportedly not on the menu.

Trouble Brewing for Hades

Disney hades

Hades faces questions of inequity in the underworld.

Underworld–Tensions are rising as unrest is brewing in the Underworld. It seems many are upset over the horrible conditions and perceived inequities.

“Conditions here are just dreadful,” said Sisyphus-one of the more vocal in his protests-straining to talk as he pushed a boulder up a steep hill. “I push this boulder all the way to the top of the hill and then do you know what happens: the boulder just rolls right back to the bottom of the hill and have to push to the top again. It’s what I do: push this boulder up this hill for all eternity…I’ve had to pee for 468 years now.”

“It’s a punishment,” an indignant Hades replied. “Sisyphus was a dreadful person in life; he was a liar, a cheat, a thief, and a murderer. When he first got here, he convinced my lovely and trusting wife Persephone to allow him to return home for three days. He told her he would come right back–he didn’t. Do you know the headache that caused for me…and the extra paperwork.”

“It’s just not fair,” said Hector a denizen of Tartarus, “here in Tartarus it’s all cold, damp, creepy, and there’s spiders everywhere. And they make us do pointless tasks all day–did see Sisyphus and his boulder? Meanwhile over in Elysium it’s all sunshine, picnics, and fields full of flowers…there’s no spiders there.”

“The people in Elysium lived good productive lives,” Hades explained, “the people in Tartarus were lying, slandering, thieving, murderers, many of whom also drove their chariots slowly in the fast lane just to piss people off.”

“I just bring them over the river Styx,” Charon said when asked to comment. “What happens to them when they get here is all Hades.”

“Pass-the-buck-Charon I call him,” Hades said tersely.

“I saw Hercules here the other day,” Hector complained, “he just comes and goes as he pleases; I guess when you’re the illegitimate son of the almighty Zeus you can do whatever you want.”

Hector was immediately struck by a bolt of lightning and attacked by spiders.

“I feel badly for the people stuck in Tartarus,” said the poet Orpheus, a resident of Elysium. “Expect for Hector–he’s a jackass.”

tulips

Elysium–note the lack of spiders.

 

Ice Dune Playground Opens at Presque Isle

gooferie

FinalIcedunePlaygroundOfficials at Presque Isle State Park have announced the opening of an ice dune playground, adding to the winter activities at the park.

“We just got sick of telling people to stay off the ice dunes,” said park official Peter Bramall. “So, we decided to let these imbeci- uh, I mean, park visitors enjoy them.”

The playground spans the three largest ice dunes on Beach 1. The tallest dune will be open for climbing as well.

“My parents wouldn’t let me play on the ice dunes when I was a child,” said Erie resident James Murphy. “Well,  I’m not going to deny my kids the opportunity to climb all over these majestic frozen peaks.”

In addition, an out of town vendor will have a food tent to sell gazpacho, ice cream, and cold drinks.

As Murphy stood in line at the gazpacho tent; far from where his kids were playing…

View original post 29 more words

The Injustice Must Stop

toad

I challenge you to not want to lick this toad.

Imagine the following scenario: you’re innocently walking down street, minding your own business, when suddenly from the corner of your  eye you spot something: on the grass sits a toad. You make a mental note of the toad, but you just keep walking.

But as you walk, you can’t shake one niggling thought: I could have licked that toad.

It’s a thought that persists with you through the following days. It grows from a gentle nagging into a full blown obsession.

Your days are filled with confusion and regret; your nights are haunted with sleepless torment.

And thus begins your journey as a toad-licker.

There’s no shame in it. You’re not hurting anybody. You’re still the same person you’ve always been, but people see you differently now.

Admittedly, a much higher than normal percentage of toad-kickers are criminally insane, but that’s not you.

Your friends begin to treat you differently, they shy away from you, they stop inviting you to get-togethers for fear you’ll suddenly produce a toad from your pocket and start licking it at a really inappropriate time.

You will do that, but you’re discreet about it. Besides, if you can’t lick a toad at a funeral; when can you lick a toad.

Society tries to separate and ostracize you.

It’s not like you’ve got Ebola, or the face of a goat, or you’re a Kardashian: YOU’RE NOT A FREAK!

I urge everyone to look into your hearts and give toad-lickers a chance; toad-lickers are people just like you and me…apart from all the toad-licking and the fact they rarely bathe.

Please, toad-lickers just need some understanding…except for this guy–he’s a weirdo.

toad licker

This guy just ruins it for everyone.

 

Even More Taglines For Your Approval

taglineIllegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest, is the current tagline for this blog.

However, it is now illegal in all 50 states, the United States Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Frowned upon in Puerto Rico.

So it’s time for a change.

Not a change in the blog, but in the tagline; the statement above is just too wordy to be a tagline.

Note: this blog is still legal and well received in the District of Columbia, various militia run compounds that have declared independence from the United States, and the Vatican.

So it’s time to choose a new tagline.

idiotprufs: the blog that once made Pope Francis laugh so hard he peed himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that is widely used as currency in Bolivian prisons.

idiotprufs: the blog that took the Tide pod challenge and thought it was delicious.

idiotprufs: that blog that was shattered when The Amish Mafia was taken off the air.

idiotprufs: the blog that just can’t get the theme song from The Poseidon Adventure out of its head.

idiotprufs: the blog that was heartbroken when it discovered Mary Poppins isn’t a true story.

idiotprufs: the blog with cat-like reflexes and is as equally adept at using a litter box.

idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians.

idiotprufs: the blog that used to call itself Miranda.

idiotrufs: the best way to spend the day if Jumbles are too complicated for you.

idiotprufs: the blog the solved two sides of the Rubik’s Cube then just gave up.

idiotprufs: the blog that was thrown out of a party after it made a rude comment about another blog’s toupee.

idiotprufs: the blog that is convinced that Rudy was offsides.

idiotprufs: the blog that lives in a glass house, but throws stones anyway.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s been pepper-sprayed far more times than is reasonable.

idiotprufs: the blog that leaves a stain that you just can’t get out.

idiotprufs: the blog that once met the Dali Lama and thought he was kind of full of himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that hates it when it burns it tongue on hot coffee and then can’t taste anything the rest of day.

idiotprufs: the blog that is frequently printed out just to be used to line bird cages.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s frequently crapped on by birds.

idiotprufs: the blog that just found out the word is spelled: idiotproofs.

idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

One of these lucky taglines will become the new tagline for this blog.

Good luck to all of them.

Rubik's Cube

The blog that couldn’t get this far.

 

Where is the Toad-Licker Justice?

toad licker

A close friend of Richard Mullins.

The Story

An Indiana man who was licking a toad while dancing by himself on an Indiana sidewalk is locked up after ignoring a trespass warning issued by cops, according to police.

Note: if he had a toad, surely he wasn’t dancing by himself.

La Porte Police Department officers were called to a bar when Richard Mullins, 41, refused to leave the property after being escorted outside by security. The barefoot Mullins was not allowed entry into JJ’s Side Out Bar and Grill, when he would not provide bouncers with ID…also, he was licking a toad.

toad licker

Richard Mullins: dance enthusiast, toad-licker, and Tchaikovsky fan.

When questioned by cops, Mullins had a “blank look on his face but no pupil dilation to suggest he was under the influence of any drugs.”

The toad had a look of simple resignation on his face.

Officers warned Mullins that if he returned to the bar’s property he would be arrested. Mullins seemed to understand the warning. “As he was dancing he would walk right up to the property line that we pointed out and then he would retreat, often by executing a perfect Grande Jete,” an officer stated. “He also had a wonderful arabesque…it was simply breathtaking.” The officer then wiped a tear from his eye.

But a few minutes after receiving the trespass warning, Mullins returned to the bar’s parking lot. When police subsequently approached Mullins, he was holding another toad. He also seemed to be performing the part of Odette from Swan Lake. Possibly a scene from act 4 where Odette has resigned herself to death. Responding officers couldn’t be certain of this, as he seemed to be performing the Mariinsky Ballet version, in which everybody knows: Odette lives happily.

Charged with misdemeanor trespassing, amphibian assault, and just acting like a weirdo, Mullins was booked into the La Porte County jail, where he is being held in advance of a June 30 court appearance.

The toads opted for separate legal council.

Since the police report does not identify what kind of toad Mullins was licking, it is impossible to determine the amphibian’s potential psychoactive properties or its toxicity.

The toads however were completely stoned as a result of contact with Mullins’ tongue.

The Point

When will the blatant discrimination against toad-lickers stop?

For far too long toad-lickers have been the targets of police brutality.

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your race: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because of your sexual orientaion: discrimination!

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re licking a toad, barefoot, and slightly odd looking: perfectly well and fine in our backwards society.

How is it anybody’s business what a grown man and his toad do together?

Where’s the Supreme Court on this issue?

Isn’t it time as a people, we give toad-lickers the respect they deserve?

Thank you.

Addendum

If you’re denied entrance into an establishment because you’re Justin Bieber: well that’s pretty much just common sense.

bieber toad licker

“When I lick a toad…I forgot what I was going to say.”

Medusa Banned From Hair Salon

medusaIsland of Sarpedon–Athena, the proprietor of Athena’s Hair, Nails, and Greek Yogurt Temple, has caused a stir by refusing to serve one of her most loyal customers.

“I’ve been going to Athena’s Temple for years now,” a distraught Medusa commented. “Suddenly it seems that my presence is a problem.”

“When Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale would stop by it was delightful,” Athena said. “They were all so easy to deal with, especially Medusa; she had flowing locks of golden hair with nary a split end–things are different now.”

“I got involved with Poseidon, became pregnant and my body went through a few changes–is that so horrible?” Medusa demanded.

“A few changes?” Athena responded indignantly. “Her hair was transformed into a writhing mass of hissing venomous snakes…and some of them are really mean. And that’ not the worst of it: her face is so hideous, merely gazing upon it turns a person to stone.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say about a person,” Medusa replied when informed of Athena’s statement.

“Did you notice all those statues I have in front of the Temple?” Athena replied, “They’re all former employees; do you have any idea what that does to your insurance?”

“I don’t know what I’ll do now that I can’t go to Athena’s,” Medusa lamented.

“There’s a reptile farm down the street,” Athena recommended.

“That’s so very hurtful,” Medusa said as she wiped a tear from one the serpents eyes.

antidote

“You shouldn’t have to keep so much snake anti-venom on stock just to run a hair salon,” Athena stated.

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