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Archive for the category “History”

The True and Accurate Historical Story of Limburger Cheese

limburger cheese

The delightful aroma of feet.

There is one salient fact about Limburger cheese: it is just awful. The only time I would need Limburger cheese, would be if I needed something that smelled like death and the smell from my giant pile of opossum crap just wasn’t enough.

The bacterium used to ferment Limburger cheese is the same bacterium that is responsible for body odor, and in particular, foot odor.

Limburger cheese was first created in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century by a man who had just come home from a hard day of cheese making. He had unbuckled and removed his boots, and was attempting to enjoy a meal with his wife, when he and his wife got into an argument that changed the history of cheese making forever.

Wife: What is that horrendous smell?

Cheesemaker: Ooh, we’re having stoofvlees, I love stoofvlees.

Wife: It’s the most putrid smell I have ever encountered.

Cheesemaker: I don’t smell anything. Pass the ale.

Wife: I think it’s your feet.

Cheesemaker: Seriously. Pass the ale.

Wife: It’s rancorous.

Cheesemaker: It’s not that bad.

Wife: It is that bad. There are people retching on the other side of the Demer River.

Cheesemaker: Do you know what this conversation isn’t doing? It isn’t remedying the fact that I have no ale.

Wife: Your feet smell worse than that giant pile of opossum crap you have behind the house.

Cheesemaker: I’ll get my own ale.

Wife: Why do you even have a giant pile of opossum crap?

Cheesemaker: I’ll tell you why, (he pauses to take a slug of ale) because someday you’ll be in desperate need of copious amounts of opossum crap, and you’ll be glad it’s there.

Wife: I’ve thought the same thing about you, but it still hasn’t happened. Besides it’s the worst smell in the world.

Cheesemaker: Nonsense. It’s not the worst smell in the world. In fact, I’ll bet that I could make a cheese that smells worse.

Wife: I doubt it.

Cheesemaker: You’ll see; it will become my mission.

Wife: Shut up and drink your ale.

And drink his ale he did.

And succeed he did–beyond his wildest ale fueled dreams.

Of course his wife left him and his giant pile of opossum crap.

The Duchy of Limburg is now divided by modern-day Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium. None of the three countries wanted it: it reeked of Limburger cheese and developed a huge opossum problem.

Addendum: there are historians who will tell you certain items in this story aren’t factual–historians suck.

opossum

The aroma of their crap is delightful.

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Donner Party Disappointment

donner party

They seem like a fun bunch.

Absolutely the worst party I’ve been to in my life.

It was in a horrible location: a difficult to navigate snow-covered mountain pass more suited for ox-drawn wagons than a proper a vehicle. Seriously, rent a hall.

The only music they had was some old guy with a fiddle who couldn’t play it properly because he’d lost several fingers to frostbite.

Everyone was just dour. There was a lot of wailing and weeping–it was a real mood killer.

They ran out of hor d’oeuvres almost immediately; the food was the biggest disappointment.

It was a terribly planned party–I left early.

Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it to a family get-together at my aunt’s house, but I’d rather be stripped naked, chained to the back of a jeep, and dragged through a field of broken glass, than go to a family get-together at my aunt’s house.

I just hope things picked up after I left.

Addendum:

The Donner Party is sometimes referred to by historians as the Donner-Reed Party.

But I’m certain Donner-Reed would throw a fantastic party.

donna reed

“I throw fantastic parties.”

Flashback: Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Got Wrong

My apologies to David Letterman.

My apologies to David Letterman.

I stumbled upon this post, one of the very first of this blog, from many years ago. Do you remember when the world was supposed to end?

In my previous post, I detailed my displeasure with the fact that the world didn’t come a cataclysmic end on December 21st. Not only did nothing cool happen, but even worse, I was forced to finish my Christmas shopping.

I’ve discovered after doing some exhaustive research (Google) there were a myriad of things the Mayans got wrong.

Top Ten Other Things The Mayans Got Wrong

10)  Caddyshack 2 will be just as funny as Caddyshack.

 9) A man named Isaac Newton will be resting under an apple tree when an apple will fall on his head. He will become so irate that he invents a machine that will be used to systematically destroy all apple trees, ridding the land of the scourge of falling apples.

 8) Queen Anne is so taken with Newton’s apple tree destroying prowess, she has him knighted. Although a great honor, he is hampered by the fact that he can now only move two spaces forward and one space over on a chess board.

 7) The common folk of 18th century England become so enraged that they can no longer obtain apples, they form a mob and throw Sir Isaac Newton over a cliff. On the way down he has a fleeting thought about something called gravity. Alas, it perishes with him.

 6) Without the foundation of Newtonian physics to expand upon, Albert Einstein never leaves his job as a patent clerk. He does however patent the Sham-wow and he becomes filthy rich.

 5) In the early 20th century a majestic ship called the Titanic is built, it traverses the seas for centuries. However, the movie Titanic, about a ship where nothing ever goes wrong, completely flops.

    Note: The Mayans also go on and on about Siskel but say nothing at all about Ebert. Two thumbs down Mayans.

 4) A man named J.R.R. Tolkien will write a few simple stories about some hobbits; nothing much will come of them.

 3) A mighty force called the Cleveland Browns will arise. They will win many championships called Super Bowls. At about the same time, there will be a record cold snap in Hell.

 2) The shoreline in a place called New Jersey, will become the epicenter for culture and wisdom in the western world. This will happen in the early 21st century and be a clear sign that the end is near.

 1) Those Spaniards seem like nice fellows; nothing bad could ever come of our relationship with them.

colt mccoy

Mighty warriors of the 21st century.

Holy Crapper

 

outhouse in the woods

In a previous post I listed the name Thomas Crapper as a visionary with the likes of Henry Ford and Steve Jobs.

I know what you’re thinking: Thomas Crapper, a visionary? The toilet guy?

Yes. Thomas Crapper, the toilet guy, was a visionary. While Thomas Crapper didn’t actually invent the flush toilet, his innovations regarding plumbing, sanitary fittings, and improvement of the toilet were responsible for indoor bathrooms.

If you don’t think that’s visionary, just try to imagine the first time he discussed the possibility with his friends:

Thomas Crapper: you know how outhouses are filthy and disgusting places?

Friend #1: yes. Nasty business, outhouses.

Thomas Crapper: and you know how we put them a certain distance from our homes because of the horrible stench, not to mention the disease and the vermin?

Friend #1: I certainly do.

Friend #2: ha, vermin’s a funny sounding word.

Thomas Crapper: I’m going to propose moving it all inside the home.

Friend #1: that’s insane.

Thomas Crapper: I’m thinking we could put it in a small room near the bedroom.

Friend #1: is all this crazy talk because we keep making fun of your surname? Because if it is we can stop.

Friend #2: ha, Crapper is a funny sounding name; I’m not stopping.

Thomas Crapper: I’ve come up with this innovation, I’m going to call it: the floating ballcock.

Friend #2: HA! That’s a funny sounding name–you are the gift that keeps on giving, Thomas.

Thomas Crapper: we could even put it in the same room that we bathe.

Friend #1: now you’ve gone off the deep end. Next you’ll be telling us about a machine that will allow men to fly.

Thomas Crapper: well, there are these two brothers named Wilbur and Orville, and they have an idea.

Friend #2: ha, Wilbur and Orville, those are funny sounding names.

wright brothers Kittyhawk

“I’ll bet we could put a toilet on this thing.”

One Mystery Solved

stonehenge

Was Stonehenge used by ancient astronomers to track the movements of the sun and the moon? Was Stonehenge a calendar used to mark the changing of the seasons? Was it used specifically as a tribal burial ground? Was it built for religious purposes? Was it left behind by aliens?

Don’t be ridiculous–the druids got it from Ikea and they just couldn’t figure out how to put it together.

The druids were notorious for their inability to follow instructions. Why do you think they followed the flight of birds; they were absolute garbage at maps.

Fred and Myrtle Glengoogly were following a friends instructions to a solstice celebration, they took a wrong turn and wound up in Holland.

Stonehenge looked fantastic in the showroom.

“How hard could it be to put together?” Fred asked Myrtle.

“How hard was it to follow a map to the solstice celebration?” Myrtle retorted.

“We took one wrong turn,” Fred responded.

“Yes we did. We took one wrong turn across the English Channel…you never want to follow the flight of birds.”

“I don’t need to follow a bunch of stupid birds,” Fred said angrily. “Besides, do you want to live in an earthen hovel your entire life? It’s damp and there’s spiders.”

“You’ll never get that thing together,” Myrtle told him.

Fred got it anyway.

Fred and Myrtle were soon separated following several bitter arguments revolving around the 437 different types of screws that came with Stonehenge and one particularly unfortunate remark about the placement of a stud mount.

Myrtle and the earthen hovel are long gone, but Stonehenge remains as a reminder to us all not to buy crap from Ikea.

ikea

How hard could this be?

flintstone house

How Stonehenge was supposed to look.

 

My Heartfelt Advice to Eagles Fans

EaglesYou’re team has made it to the Super Bowl; celebrate, cheer, throw big Super Bowl parties, just enjoy it, but for the love of all that is good and merciful, STOP PUNCHING POLICE HORSES.

When I saw the headline, another Eagles fan arrested for allegedly punching a police horse, I will admit I laughed.

I laughed the way one might laugh at someone who has suffered an electric shock because they have peed on an electric fence. It was a derisive unsympathetic type of laughter.

You’re not going to win a battle with a police horse. Have Eagles fans suddenly become Wylie Coyote? When your Acme canon fails to fire, don’t stick your face into it to find out what happened.

Did you think you were playing the Broncos in the Super Bowl and you felt a sudden uncontrollable rage against all equine?

Were you so happy you just had to punch something and a police horse seemed like the best choice?

Were you just really drunk?

I know you’ve got that statue of Rocky in Philadelphia, but punching stuff isn’t the best way to celebrate.

Just relax and enjoy the game against the Patriots.

Wait!

The New England Patriots–Paul Revere was a patriot from New England–Paul Revere’s famous midnight ride–Paul Revere rode a horse!

Now I get it.

Rocky Balboa

Rocky celebrating a huge victory–ten minutes later he was arrested for punching a police horse.

Christmas and Rutabagas

rutabaga

It’s Christmastime again: the perfect opportunity to brighten the spirits of a loved one with the gift of the rutabaga.

What’s so special about the rutabaga you may ponder–what isn’t so special about the rutabaga is my response.

  • They can be roasted.
  • They can be baked.
  • They can be boiled as a flavor enhancer in soups.
  • They can be boiled as a flavour enhancer in soups in Great Britain. (You wouldn’t believe how much tastier the soup is with that extra U in the word flavour.)
  • They can be thinly julienned as a side dish, in a salad or as a garnish.
  • They can be thinly julienned and used to cleanup oil spills in the driveway.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used to degrease engines.
  • They can be mashed into a paste and used as a beautifying face cream. (It won’t make you more attractive, but it will cover up your butt-ugly face.)
  • You can make rutabaga ice cream.
  • You can make a rudimentary boiled rutabaga stew that was a staple of famine ridden Europe during the war and pretend you’re living in famine ridden Europe during the war–because pretending is fun.
  • You can chuck them at Kayne West’s head. (It’s such a huge bloated target.)
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you’re ambivalent about.
  • You can chuck them at the heads of people you like. (The thunk of a rutabaga bouncing off a human skull is surprisingly satisfying.)
  • You can fill your child’s stocking with them. (But ensure they’re fresh; they can attract flies.)
  • You can use them to attract flies.
  • You can carve them into lanterns as was the old Irish tradition.
  • You can carve them into lanterns and chuck them at Kanye West’s head. (Hopefully the beginnings of a new tradition.)
  • And finally, you can make the traditional Finnish Christmas dish Lanttulaatikko.
rutabaga dish

Lanttulaatikko is a delicious Finnish Christmas dish–you can also chuck it at Kayne West’s head.

Addendum: Don’t make rutabaga ice cream…it sucks.

Lightning Strikes and Good Luck

lightningRoy Sullivan, a Virginian park ranger, had a strange ability: surviving lightning strikes. He survived seven separate lightning strikes.

  • The first lightning strike hit his leg and knocked the toenail off his big toe.
  • The second lightning strike burned off his eyebrows and knocked him unconscious.
  • The third lightning strike seared his shoulder.
  • The fourth lightning strike set his hair on fire.
  • The fifth lightning strike ripped through his hat, set his hair on fire, and knocked him from his truck wearing only one shoe.
  • The sixth lightning strike injured his ankle.
  • The seventh lightning strike left him with chest and stomach burns.

It lead to the phrase “that Roy is one unlucky bastard” to be uttered many times.

It also lead to the phrase “that Roy is one lucky bastard” to also be uttered after surviving all seven lightning strikes.

It caused countless arguments among his friends and family as to whether or not Roy was lucky or unlucky. At family events they would argue for hours, get into fist fights, and eventually dump their aunt’s potato salad over each other’s heads.

Note: and their aunt’s potato salad was delicious, not like your aunt’s potato salad which tastes like a diseased monkey peed into a bowl of death. 

The only thing they could all agree upon was to stay far away from Roy when a storm approached.

 

 

For your enjoyment: a few photos of Roy Sullivan.

Roy Sullivan and his lightning damaged hat.

 

Roy in a building.

 

Roy sitting in a tree.

 

Roy in his car.

 

Roy visiting the Statue of Liberty.

 

Roy in another tree.

 

Roy standing by some cacti.

 

Roy on the USS Truman.

 

Roy swimming in the ocean.

 

Roy and his twin brother swimming in the ocean.

 

Roy gets elected to Congress.

 

Roy at the Eiffel Tower.

 

Roy on his way home from Paris.

 

Roy at home.

 

Unicorns and Dennis Rodman: It’s Science

Archeologists from the Academy of Social Services of North Korea’s History Institute have made an important discovery: they have discovered a unicorn lair. (I’m not making this up) The report says that they have “reconfirmed” the presence of the lair. Apparently the ancient Korean King Tongmyong rode a unicorn.

An artist's rendition of the king's unicorn. His name was sparkle; he hated his name.image source: unicorn.com

An artist’s rendition of the king’s unicorn. His name was sparkle; he hated his name.

Why is this the first I’m hearing about this? There was nothing about a unicorn riding, ancient North Korean king, in any history book I ever read. How do leave that out?

As it turns out, this wasn’t the only bizarre revelation uncovered by North Korean scientists:

  • Unicorns are not only real, but they’re always griping about how zebras are such sissies.
  • Trix aren’t for kids; they really are for rabbits.
  • Dennis Rodman is a cyborg and his multicolored hair is magic.
  • If you catch a leprechaun you don’t get a pot of gold; you just get a lot of pot.
  • Jerry Garcia isn’t dead: he’s in Ireland and he’s really stoned.
  • Despite the moniker, Bigfoot’s feet are tiny.
  • Bigfoot hates that famous picture of himself; he thinks it makes him look fat.

Bigfoot: a victim of the freshman 15 and a poor camera angle.

  • Wile E. Coyote caught the Roadrunner years ago. He was served in an orange sauce, over rice, with sautéed spinach on the side.
  • The chicken came before the egg, but they both preceded the first chicken omelette.
  • The Great Wall of China was built by a guy just trying to keep the neighbor’s dog out of his yard.
  • Trolls don’t live under bridges; they live in North East, Pennsylvania. (You know who you are.)
  • The Mars Rover did find life on Mars. It was a weird little dude named Marvin.

“You make me very angry.”

  • And finally: The Onion was right: Kim Jong Un is the sexiest man alive.
Where's my unicorn?image source: dailymail.co.uk

“Where’s my unicorn?”

Isn’t that the face of man who needs to have his own unicorn?

And maybe a few less nuclear missiles.

He can keep Dennis Rodman.

rodman

Magic!

Erie’s Sister Cities to Rescind Sibling Status — gooferie

In a joint statement, Erie’s four sister cities have announced that they are ending their familial relationship with Erie, at least for the time being. The four sister cities: Zibo, China; Lublin, Poland; Merida, Mexico; and Dungarvan, Ireland made the announcement after seeing recent stories coming out of Erie about job losses, drug overdoses, and […]

via Erie’s Sister Cities to Rescind Sibling Status — gooferie

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