I stumbled upon this post, one of the very first of this blog, from many years ago. Do you remember when the world was supposed to end?
In my previous post, I detailed my displeasure with the fact that the world didn’t come a cataclysmic end on December 21st. Not only did nothing cool happen, but even worse, I was forced to finish my Christmas shopping.
I’ve discovered after doing some exhaustive research (Google) there were a myriad of things the Mayans got wrong.
Top Ten Other Things The Mayans Got Wrong
10) Caddyshack 2 will be just as funny as Caddyshack.
9) A man named Isaac Newton will be resting under an apple tree when an apple will fall on his head. He will become so irate that he invents a machine that will be used to systematically destroy all apple trees, ridding the land of the scourge of falling apples.
8) Queen Anne is so taken with Newton’s apple tree destroying prowess, she has him knighted. Although a great honor, he is hampered by the fact that he can now only move two spaces forward and one space over on a chess board.
7) The common folk of 18th century England become so enraged that they can no longer obtain apples, they form a mob and throw Sir Isaac Newton over a cliff. On the way down he has a fleeting thought about something called gravity. Alas, it perishes with him.
6) Without the foundation of Newtonian physics to expand upon, Albert Einstein never leaves his job as a patent clerk. He does however patent the Sham-wow and he becomes filthy rich.
5) In the early 20th century a majestic ship called the Titanic is built, it traverses the seas for centuries. However, the movie Titanic, about a ship where nothing ever goes wrong, completely flops.
Note: The Mayans also go on and on about Siskel but say nothing at all about Ebert. Two thumbs down Mayans.
4) A man named J.R.R. Tolkien will write a few simple stories about some hobbits; nothing much will come of them.
3) A mighty force called the Cleveland Browns will arise. They will win many championships called Super Bowls. At about the same time, there will be a record cold snap in Hell.
2) The shoreline in a place called New Jersey, will become the epicenter for culture and wisdom in the western world. This will happen in the early 21st century and be a clear sign that the end is near.
1) Those Spaniards seem like nice fellows; nothing bad could ever come of our relationship with them.
In a previous post I listed the name Thomas Crapper as a visionary with the likes of Henry Ford and Steve Jobs.
I know what you’re thinking: Thomas Crapper, a visionary? The toilet guy?
Yes. Thomas Crapper, the toilet guy, was a visionary. While Thomas Crapper didn’t actually invent the flush toilet, his innovations regarding plumbing, sanitary fittings, and improvement of the toilet were responsible for indoor bathrooms.
If you don’t think that’s visionary, just try to imagine the first time he discussed the possibility with his friends:
Thomas Crapper: you know how outhouses are filthy and disgusting places?
Friend #1: yes. Nasty business, outhouses.
Thomas Crapper: and you know how we put them a certain distance from our homes because of the horrible stench, not to mention the disease and the vermin?
Friend #1: I certainly do.
Friend #2: ha, vermin’s a funny sounding word.
Thomas Crapper: I’m going to propose moving it all inside the home.
Friend #1: that’s insane.
Thomas Crapper: I’m thinking we could put it in a small room near the bedroom.
Friend #1: is all this crazy talk because we keep making fun of your surname? Because if it is we can stop.
Friend #2: ha, Crapper is a funny sounding name; I’m not stopping.
Thomas Crapper: I’ve come up with this innovation, I’m going to call it: the floating ballcock.
Friend #2: HA! That’s a funny sounding name–you are the gift that keeps on giving, Thomas.
Thomas Crapper: we could even put it in the same room that we bathe.
Friend #1: now you’ve gone off the deep end. Next you’ll be telling us about a machine that will allow men to fly.
Thomas Crapper: well, there are these two brothers named Wilbur and Orville, and they have an idea.
Friend #2: ha, Wilbur and Orville, those are funny sounding names.
Was Stonehenge used by ancient astronomers to track the movements of the sun and the moon? Was Stonehenge a calendar used to mark the changing of the seasons? Was it used specifically as a tribal burial ground? Was it built for religious purposes? Was it left behind by aliens?
Don’t be ridiculous–the druids got it from Ikea and they just couldn’t figure out how to put it together.
The druids were notorious for their inability to follow instructions. Why do you think they followed the flight of birds; they were absolute garbage at maps.
Fred and Myrtle Glengoogly were following a friends instructions to a solstice celebration, they took a wrong turn and wound up in Holland.
Stonehenge looked fantastic in the showroom.
“How hard could it be to put together?” Fred asked Myrtle.
“How hard was it to follow a map to the solstice celebration?” Myrtle retorted.
“We took one wrong turn,” Fred responded.
“Yes we did. We took one wrong turn across the English Channel…you never want to follow the flight of birds.”
“I don’t need to follow a bunch of stupid birds,” Fred said angrily. “Besides, do you want to live in an earthen hovel your entire life? It’s damp and there’s spiders.”
“You’ll never get that thing together,” Myrtle told him.
Fred got it anyway.
Fred and Myrtle were soon separated following several bitter arguments revolving around the 437 different types of screws that came with Stonehenge and one particularly unfortunate remark about the placement of a stud mount.
Myrtle and the earthen hovel are long gone, but Stonehenge remains as a reminder to us all not to buy crap from Ikea.
When I saw the headline, another Eagles fan arrested for allegedly punching a police horse, I will admit I laughed.
I laughed the way one might laugh at someone who has suffered an electric shock because they have peed on an electric fence. It was a derisive unsympathetic type of laughter.
You’re not going to win a battle with a police horse. Have Eagles fans suddenly become Wylie Coyote? When your Acme canon fails to fire, don’t stick your face into it to find out what happened.
Did you think you were playing the Broncos in the Super Bowl and you felt a sudden uncontrollable rage against all equine?
Were you so happy you just had to punch something and a police horse seemed like the best choice?
Were you just really drunk?
I know you’ve got that statue of Rocky in Philadelphia, but punching stuff isn’t the best way to celebrate.
Just relax and enjoy the game against the Patriots.
The New England Patriots–Paul Revere was a patriot from New England–Paul Revere’s famous midnight ride–Paul Revere rode a horse!
Now I get it.
It’s Christmastime again: the perfect opportunity to brighten the spirits of a loved one with the gift of the rutabaga.
What’s so special about the rutabaga you may ponder–what isn’t so special about the rutabaga is my response.
Addendum: Don’t make rutabaga ice cream…it sucks.
It lead to the phrase “that Roy is one unlucky bastard” to be uttered many times.
It also lead to the phrase “that Roy is one lucky bastard” to also be uttered after surviving all seven lightning strikes.
It caused countless arguments among his friends and family as to whether or not Roy was lucky or unlucky. At family events they would argue for hours, get into fist fights, and eventually dump their aunt’s potato salad over each other’s heads.
Note: and their aunt’s potato salad was delicious, not like your aunt’s potato salad which tastes like a diseased monkey peed into a bowl of death.
The only thing they could all agree upon was to stay far away from Roy when a storm approached.
Archeologists from the Academy of Social Services of North Korea’s History Institute have made an important discovery: they have discovered a unicorn lair. (I’m not making this up) The report says that they have “reconfirmed” the presence of the lair. Apparently the ancient Korean King Tongmyong rode a unicorn.
Why is this the first I’m hearing about this? There was nothing about a unicorn riding, ancient North Korean king, in any history book I ever read. How do leave that out?
As it turns out, this wasn’t the only bizarre revelation uncovered by North Korean scientists:
Isn’t that the face of man who needs to have his own unicorn?
And maybe a few less nuclear missiles.
He can keep Dennis Rodman.
In a joint statement, Erie’s four sister cities have announced that they are ending their familial relationship with Erie, at least for the time being. The four sister cities: Zibo, China; Lublin, Poland; Merida, Mexico; and Dungarvan, Ireland made the announcement after seeing recent stories coming out of Erie about job losses, drug overdoses, and […]