“It’s given the whole straw house industry a bad name,” Cyril Tottering the proprietor of Tottering Straw Homes Inc. complained.
It seems Mr. Tottering’s business has taken quite a financial hit since the story of the Three Little Pigs has gotten out.
“Those pigs are blatant liars,” Mr. Tottering asserted, “you can’t just huff and puff and blow down one of my straw houses.”
“He came around trying to sell me one of those crappy straw houses,” the third little pig told us. “I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those things. My brother, the first little pig, kept bragging about how cheap his house was…look where that got him.”
“My straw houses pass rigorous testing,” Mr. Tottering asserted.
“I guess none of that ‘rigorous testing’ involved a lit match,” the third little pig responded.
“We could ask the wolf what really happened, but evidently the pigs boiled him in oil,” Mr. Tottering stated. “That hardly seems like trustworthy behavior.”
“If you come down someone’s chimney uninvited, boiled in oil is what you’re gonna get,” the third little pig said. “We’re not just going to allow ourselves to be eaten–not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”
“What does that even mean: the hairs on our chinny chin chins? It pisses me off every time they say that.”
Mr. Tottering went on to tell us how he and a Mr. Dennis Flimsy owner of Flimsy Stick Homes Inc. are combining to launch a defamation lawsuit against the three little pigs.
“I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those stick houses either,” the third little pig chuckled. “Tottering and Flimsy: pretty aptly described if you ask me.”
“Those are our names!” Mr. Tottering yelled in exasperation.
“It seemed like a really good deal at the time,” the first little pig explained.
“Who would think wolves have such lung capacity,” the second little pig added.
“Our brother said that thing about his dung pile again, didn’t he?” the first little pig asked disgustedly.
“Yeah,” the second little pig said in conclusion, “he’s kind of a dick about that big brick house of his.”
Fable
It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.
What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.
He happened upon Tobias the toad.
“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.
“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”
“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.
“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”
“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.
“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.
And so they hopped together toward the creek.
As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.
“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.
“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.
“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.
“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”
“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.
“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”
“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.
“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”
“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.
“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.
“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.
“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.
Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.
Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.
After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.
“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.
“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”
“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”
“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.
“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.
“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.
“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”
With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.
“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”
“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.
So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.
Moral
If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.
The Fable
Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.
All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.
One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.
Ned had long fancied Patty the tree frog; she had big bulbous orange eyes and her skin was especially slimy and green.
“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”
“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees and our tree is the tallest tree in the forest.”
“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”
“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.
“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal. I have a pair; you just can’t see them because they’re inside my body.”
“We all have a spermatic canal, Ned,” Dirk snarked.
You’re a spermatic canal, Ned thought but could bring himself to say.
“Ned would rather stay down here on the ground like a common toad.,” Dirk told Patty in the snide way a tree frog who was a spermatic canal might.
“Some of my best friends are toads,” Ned told them.
At that Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned and hopped away to have their party.
Suddenly Ned felt very sad and very alone.
That night Ned sat in his bush with some of his toad friends and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above.
Then one of Ned’s toad friends suggested they some gasoline and burn that tree to the ground.
And that’s what they did.
The other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.
Moral
Don’t be a spermatic canal or your tree might get burned to the ground.
Also, don’t mess with toads.
There are people who will tell you that slow and steady wins the race.
Don’t buy it; those people are slovenly dull-witted liars who can only win races if they convince everyone else to take it slow and steady.
If you were to make a list of characteristics detrimental to winning a race, being slow would be near the top of the list.
I could argue that being slow is the entire list.
And I don’t want to hear that adding the word steady to the word slow makes it beneficial to winning a race. Being slow and steady simply means you’re consistently slow.
It’s akin to saying a person is smart because they consistently do stupid things, things such as claiming that slow people win races.
People like to put forth Aesop’s Fable of The Hare & the Tortoise as the prime example of slow and steady winning the race.
The Tortoise didn’t win the race because it’s better to be slow and steady; the Tortoise won the race because the Hare was clearly drugged.
You don’t just decide to take a nap in the middle of a race.
The race was being judged by the Fox, and foxes are notoriously untrustworthy and degenerate gamblers.
There are two places you should never allow a fox: inside your henhouse and at the OTB.
A version of the fable details how a great forest fire breaks out the night after the race. The Tortoise being the newly minted fasted animal in the forest is sent to warn the rest of the animals of the forest. Because the Tortoise is slow, nobody is warned, and all the animals of the forest burn to death.
Fun!
So, the next time you’re in a race, take it slow and steady and see how that works out for you.
North East, Pa.–A local vineyard owner has made news this week after launching a lawsuit against grape tester Myron P. Fox. It seems the vineyard owner in question, Glenn A Farmer, has contested Mr. Fox’s assessment of the grapes in his vineyard. Specifically, Mr. Farmer has taken issue with Mr. Fox’s assertion that the grapes contained an abnormally low sugar content.
“This is ridiculous,” Mr. Fox, said, “the refractometer doesn’t lie.”
“The refractometer might not lie,” Mr. Farmer responded, “but the sack of crap using the refractometer does. He didn’t even properly test the grapes, he just declared them low in sugar content.”
“First of all,” Mr. Fox said in his defense, “when I arrived to test the grapes, there was nobody to be found. I waited around forever before Mr. Farmer bothered to show up.”
“I was running a little late,” Mr. Farmer admitted.
“He’s always running a little late,” Mr. Fox said condescendingly, “It was over an hour before he arrived. When he did arrive, he was completely unapologetic.”
“Mr. Fox can shove his refractometer up his butt,” Mr. Farmer said bitterly.
When it was pointed out to Mr. Fox that there seemed to be animosity between the two that went beyond a simple grape testing, Mr. Fox had an explanation: “Mr. Farmer and I used to work together and one day he accused me of stealing his lunch.”
“I could smell the marinara sauce on his breath,” Mr. Farmer asserted.
“Okay. I may have eaten his lunch the one time,” Mr. Fox acquiesced, “but it wasn’t very good; I threw most of it away.” He then paused reflectively for a moment. “And I might have been banging his wife at the time, but is there really a need to hold a grudge.”
When told of Mr. Fox’s admission, Mr. Farmer scowled and muttered several curse words under his breath.
“The bottom line,” Mr. Fox said, “if I don’t have access to the grapes, I have to assume they’re sour.”
Fable
It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.
What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.
He happened upon Tobias the toad.
“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.
“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”
“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.
“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”
“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.
“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.
And so they hopped together toward the creek.
As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.
“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.
“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.
“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.
“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”
“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.
“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”
“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.
“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”
“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.
“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.
“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.
“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.
Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.
Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.
After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.
“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.
“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”
“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”
“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.
“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.
“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.
“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”
With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.
“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”
“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.
So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.
Moral
If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.
The Fable
Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.
All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.
One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.
Ned had long fancied Patty the treefrog; she was especially plump and slimy.
“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”
“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees.”
“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”
“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.
“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal; I have a pair, you just can’t see them.”
“Let’s just leave this pathetic loser to himself and go have our party,” Dirk told Patty.
Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned as they hopped away to have their party.
That Dirk is a spermatic canal, Ned thought to himself.
That night Ned sat in his bush and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above him and he felt very sad and alone.
So he got some gasoline and burned their tree to the ground–the other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.
Moral
Don’t be a spermatic canal.