idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “fable”

Builder of Straw Houses Furious

“It’s given the whole straw house industry a bad name,” Cyril Tottering the proprietor of Tottering Straw Homes Inc. complained.

It seems Mr. Tottering’s business has taken quite a financial hit since the story of the Three Little Pigs has gotten out.

“Those pigs are blatant liars,” Mr. Tottering asserted, “you can’t just huff and puff and blow down one of my straw houses.”

“He came around trying to sell me one of those crappy straw houses,” the third little pig told us. “I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those things. My brother, the first little pig, kept bragging about how cheap his house was…look where that got him.”

“My straw houses pass rigorous testing,” Mr. Tottering asserted.

“I guess none of that ‘rigorous testing’ involved a lit match,” the third little pig responded.

“We could ask the wolf what really happened, but evidently the pigs boiled him in oil,” Mr. Tottering stated. “That hardly seems like trustworthy behavior.” 

“If you come down someone’s chimney uninvited, boiled in oil is what you’re gonna get,” the third little pig said. “We’re not just going to allow ourselves to be eaten–not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins.”

“What does that even mean: the hairs on our chinny chin chins? It pisses me off every time they say that.”

Mr. Tottering went on to tell us how he and a Mr. Dennis Flimsy owner of Flimsy Stick Homes Inc. are combining to launch a defamation lawsuit against the three little pigs.

“I wouldn’t keep my dung pile in one of those stick houses either,” the third little pig chuckled. “Tottering and Flimsy: pretty aptly described if you ask me.”

“Those are our names!” Mr. Tottering yelled in exasperation.

“It seemed like a really good deal at the time,” the first little pig explained.

“Who would think wolves have such lung capacity,” the second little pig added.

“Our brother said that thing about his dung pile again, didn’t he?” the first little pig asked disgustedly.

“Yeah,” the second little pig said in conclusion, “he’s kind of a dick about that big brick house of his.”

Amanda the Lizard: Another Fable

Fable

It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.

What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.

He happened upon Tobias the toad.

“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.

“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”

“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.

“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”

“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.

“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.

And so they hopped together toward the creek.

As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.

“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.

“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.

“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.

“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.

“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”

“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.

“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.

“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.

Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.

Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.

After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.

“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.

“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”

“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.

“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.

“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”

With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.

“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”

“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.

So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.

Moral

If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.

“Don’t be an ass-hat.”

Ned the Tree Frog: A Fable


tree frog

The Fable

Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.

All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.

One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.

Ned had long fancied Patty the tree frog; she had big bulbous orange eyes and her skin was especially slimy and green.

“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”

“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees and our tree is the tallest tree in the forest.”

“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”

“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.

“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal. I have a pair; you just can’t see them because they’re inside my body.”

“We all have a spermatic canal, Ned,” Dirk snarked.

You’re a spermatic canal, Ned thought but could bring himself to say.

“Ned would rather stay down here on the ground like a common toad.,” Dirk told Patty in the snide way a tree frog who was a spermatic canal might.

“Some of my best friends are toads,” Ned told them.

At that Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned and hopped away to have their party.

Suddenly Ned felt very sad and very alone.

That night Ned sat in his bush with some of his toad friends and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above.

Then one of Ned’s toad friends suggested they some gasoline and burn that tree to the ground.

And that’s what they did.

The other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.

Moral

Don’t be a spermatic canal or your tree might get burned to the ground.

Also, don’t mess with toads.

tree on fire

What happens when you’re a spermatic canal.

Slow and Steady Wins Nothing

There are people who will tell you that slow and steady wins the race.

Don’t buy it; those people are slovenly dull-witted liars who can only win races if they convince everyone else to take it slow and steady.

If you were to make a list of characteristics detrimental to winning a race, being slow would be near the top of the list.

I could make the argument that being slow is the entire list.

And I don’t want to hear that adding the word steady to the word slow makes it beneficial to winning a race. Being slow and steady simply means you’re being consistently slow.

It’s akin to saying a person is smart because they consistently do stupid things; things like claiming that slow people win races.

People like to put forth Aesop’s Fable of The Hare & the Tortoise as the prime example of slow and steady winning the race.

The Tortoise didn’t win the race because it’s better to be slow and steady; the Tortoise won the race because the Hare was clearly drugged.

You don’t just decide to take a nap in the middle of a race.

The race was being judged by the Fox and foxes are notoriously untrustworthy and degenerate gamblers.

There are two places you should never allow a fox: inside your henhouse and at the OTB.

There’s a version of the fable that details how a great forest-fire breaks out the night after the race. The Tortoise being the newly minted fasted animal in the forest, is sent to warn the rest of the animals of the forest. Because the Tortoise is slow, nobody is warned and all the animals of the forest burn to death.

Fun!

So, the next time you’re in a race, take it slow and steady, see how that works out for you.

Don’t Drone on About Wolves

aesop fables

“Wolf! Big freaking wolf!! I’m not kidding!”

In a controversial move, the residents of a small Greek village have replaced the boy who watches over their sheep with drones. “It really makes a lot of sense,” The village elder reported. “We’ve had a great deal of trouble maintaining the integrity of the village’s herd of sheep.”

Apparently the village has experienced some issues with sheep wandering off, attacks from predators, and what was described simply as “human error” by the village elder.

“It was that idiot kid,” a villager named Aesop finally confided. “We all knew he was trouble from the start: always fooling around, never taking his job seriously. He thought the job was boring, ‘counting sheep puts me to sleep’ he would say jokingly.” He paused for a moment before adding, “he’s the village elder’s nephew.”

According to reports, the boy would amuse himself by crying wolf, then laughing hysterically at the harried villagers who would drop what they were doing, and hurry out to the pasture with pitchforks in hand, only to find no wolf.

cartton boy

After the boy had “cried wolf” on several occasions, the villagers had had enough. “There’s a big guy in the village named Acteon,” Aesop said. “He would get really angry running all the way out to the meadow. It took three guys just to keep him from whomping that kid over the head with an ax handle.”

The boy’s false alarms would take a turn for the tragic. It seems when a real wolf threatened the herd, none of the villagers would heed his call, and several sheep were lost. It was at this point the village decided to make a change. “The drones are working out really well,” the village elder effused. “They can monitor the herd, round-up sheep that happen to stray, and we’ve weaponized them so they can eliminate any potential threat. We did have an unfortunate incident when a villager became frightened and threw his pitchfork at a drone…let’s just say, what goes up must come down.”

When asked what the boy was doing now that he no longer looked after the sheep, the village elder hesitated before answering, “evidently one of the drones deemed him to be a threat to the herd…my sister is pretty pissed.”

“There’s moral to this story,” Aesop added. “A liar won’t be believed, even when he’s telling the truth…and he might get his ass blown off by a drone.”

drone wolf

Loud-mouthed threat detected.

Vineyard Sues Fox Over Grape Assessment

grapes for testing

The grapes in question.

North East, Pa.–A local vineyard owner has made news this week after launching a lawsuit against grape tester Myron P. Fox. It seems the vineyard owner in question, Glenn A Farmer, has contested Mr. Fox’s assessment of the grapes in his vineyard. Specifically, Mr. Farmer has taken issue with Mr. Fox’s assertion that the grapes contained an abnormally low sugar content.

“This is ridiculous,” Mr. Fox, said, “the refractometer doesn’t lie.”

“The refractometer might not lie,” Mr. Farmer responded, “but the sack of crap using the refractometer does. He didn’t even properly test the grapes, he just declared them low in sugar content.”

“First of all,” Mr. Fox said in his defense, “when I arrived to test the grapes, there was nobody to be found. I waited around forever before Mr. Farmer bothered to show up.”

“I was running a little late,” Mr. Farmer admitted.

“He’s always running a little late,” Mr. Fox said condescendingly, “It was over an hour before he arrived. When he did arrive, he was completely unapologetic.”

“Mr. Fox can shove his refractometer up his butt,” Mr. Farmer said bitterly.

When it was pointed out to Mr. Fox that there seemed to be animosity between the two that went beyond a simple grape testing, Mr. Fox had an explanation: “Mr. Farmer and I used to work together and one day he accused me of stealing his lunch.”

“I could smell the marinara sauce on his breath,” Mr. Farmer asserted.

“Okay. I may have eaten his lunch the one time,” Mr. Fox acquiesced, “but it wasn’t very good; I threw most of it away.” He then paused reflectively for a moment. “And I might have been banging his wife at the time, but is there really a need to hold a grudge.”

When told of Mr. Fox’s admission, Mr. Farmer scowled and muttered several curse words under his breath.

“The bottom line,” Mr. Fox said, “if I don’t have access to the grapes, I have to assume they’re sour.”

mr.fox

“If he didn’t want he lunch eaten, he should have hidden it better.

Race Results Overturned by a Hare

turtle wins

The result in dispute.

LAS VEGAS, NV–In a shocking turn of events, the Nevada Gaming Commission has vacated the results of the infamous Tortoise vs. Hare race. The gaming commission, following an extensive investigation, has determined the results to have been unduly influenced by outside manipulation.

“Our suspicions were first piqued by the fact that hares tend to be very quick animals, while tortoises tend to be extremely slow animals, almost painfully so. Have you ever found yourself stuck in line at the supermarket behind a tortoise? It’s just a nightmare,” the gaming commissioner said.

The commissioner also reported suspicious activity in wagering surrounding the race. “Basically just the idea that anyone would bet heavily on a tortoise to defeat a hare in any kind of race is highly suspicious.”

Adding to the questions swirling around the race was the Hare’s sudden rise from a hole in the ground in a field, to a lush garden in a penthouse.

“I’ve invested wisely,” the Hare told us, “if you think one rabbit’s foot is lucky, I’ve got four of them.”

When pressed about alleged connections to a notorious Las Vegas bookmaker, the Hare refused comment, only pausing to mutter, “I’ve no plans to become hasenpfeffer.”

The Tortoise maintains his victory to be hard fought and legitimate. “Slow and steady wins the race,” the Tortoise reminded us.

“We have heard the ‘slow and steady’ argument before,” the commissioner replied, “but our research indicates, being slow is not a desired trait when you’re trying to win a race of virtually any kind. In fact, it tends to be quite a detriment.”

The Tortoise has filed an appeal and plans to appear before gaming commission. They’re still waiting for him to arrive; he is very slow.

gambler

The Hare’s associate claims to be on the up and up.

 

Amanda the Lizard: Another Fable

Fable

It was a pleasant summer day and Ned the tree frog was hopping across the forest floor on his way to the creek.

What a perfect day to spend at the creek, he thought to himself, but I hope there’s no lizards at the creek; I don’t care for lizards.

He happened upon Tobias the toad.

“How are things today,” Ned the tree frog asked of Tobias the toad.

“Things are well on this pleasant summer day,” Tobias the toad replied. “I’m on my to creek for this is a perfect day to spend at the creek.”

“That is just what I was thinking,” Ned the tree frog agreed.

“I just hope there’s no lizards there,” Tobias the toad added, “I don’t care for lizards.”

“You and I think so much alike,” Ned the tree frog exclaimed.

“It’s probably because we’re both amphibians,” Tobias the toad said.

And so they hopped together toward the creek.

As they reached the creek, they were horrified to find Amanda the lizard, basking in the sun in the disgusting way that lizards do.

“Please don’t eat us,” Tobias the toad said to Amanda the lizard.

“Why would I do that,” Amanda the lizard responded quizzically.

“Lizards eat amphibians–that’s what lizards do,” Tobias the toad responded matter-of-factly.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amanda the Lizard told them, “I’ve had a change of lifestyle; I now self-identify as an amphibian…and besides, toads are disgusting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” Tobias the toad replied indignantly.

“Your skin is all leathery and covered with warts: it’s disgusting.”

“That’s a hurtful thing to say,” Tobias the toad said feeling very triggered.

“And you’re really sour–it’s quite off-putting.”

“It’s a defense mechanism,” Tobias the toad told her.

“Well, it works because I threw-up in my mouth a little bit just thinking about eating you,” Amanda the lizard continued.

“Okay we get it!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“Tree frogs on the other hand are tasty little morsels, but don’t worry I won’t eat you.” she assured Ned the tree frog.

Ned the tree frog, Tobias the toad tried to settle down to enjoy a pleasant summer day at the creek, but it was difficult.

Ned the tree frog was feeling uneasy about potentially being eaten and Tobias the toad was feeling insecure about his warty toad skin.

After a bit of time, Ron the tree frog came down from one of the trees. Ron the tree frog was widely known about the forest as a major ass-hat.

“Well, if it isn’t Ned the “supposed” tree frog,” Ron the tree frog said snidely.

“There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with toads,” Ned the tree frog said, “they’re amphibians too.”

“Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with it, if you want to get covered in warts and that weird toad smell.”

“It’s a defense mechanism!” Tobias the toad yelled.

“More like an offense mechanism because the smell is offensive,” Ron the tree frog said as he laughed.

“Why don’t you just leave us alone?” Ned the tree frog said dejectedly.

“Because I hate you,” Ron the tree frog said. “And another thing…”

With a lightning quick flick of her tongue and a few muted chomping sounds, Ron the tree frog had disappeared down Amanda the lizard’s throat.

“Holy crap!” Tobias the toad exclaimed to Amanda the lizard, “you just ate Ron the tree frog!”

“He was being an ass-hat,” Amanda the lizard said in defense.

So, the three of them settled down and enjoyed the rest of that pleasant summer day in peace, only interrupted once by Amanda the lizard regurgitating Ron the tree frogs undigested bones.

Moral

If you’re a tasty little morsel–don’t be an ass-hat.

“Don’t be an ass-hat.”

Ned the Tree Frog: A Fable


tree frog

The Fable

Ned was a tree frog who lived in a bush.

All the other tree frogs lived in big trees in the forest, but Ned had a fear of heights.

One day Ned was hopping around the forest floor when he bumped into Patty the tree frog and her boyfriend, Dirk the tree frog.

Ned had long fancied Patty the treefrog; she was especially plump and slimy.

“We’re having a party up in our tree tonight,” Patty told Ned, “why don’t you come?”

“He won’t come to a party in the tree,” Dirk said snidely, “Ned doesn’t like to be in the trees.”

“It’s called acrophobia,” Ned defended himself, “and it’s an officially recognized fear by American Psychiatric Association, Dirk.”

“You really need to grow a pair,” Patty told Ned.

“I’m a tree frog,” Ned told Patty, “that means my genitalia consists of two interior testicles and spermatic canal; I have a pair, you just can’t see them.”

“Let’s just leave this pathetic loser to himself and go have our party,” Dirk told Patty.

Dirk and Patty laughed at Ned as they hopped away to have their party.

That Dirk is a spermatic canal, Ned thought to himself.

That night Ned sat in his bush and listened to the laughter and frivolity happening in the tree above him and he felt very sad and alone.

So he got some gasoline and burned their tree to the ground–the other tree frogs never made fun of Ned again.

Moral

Don’t be a spermatic canal.

tree on fire

What happens when you’re a spermatic canal.

 

 

 

The Grasshopper and the Ant

aesoop fableOne bright day in late autumn a family of Ants were bustling about in the warm sunshine, drying out the grain they had stored up during the summer, when a starving Grasshopper, his fiddle under his arm, came up and humbly begged for a bite to eat.

“What!” cried the Ants in surprise, “haven’t you stored anything away for the winter? What in the world were you doing all last summer?”

“I didn’t have time to store up any food,” whined the Grasshopper; “I was so busy making music that before I knew it the summer was gone.”

The Ants shrugged their shoulders in disgust. “Making music, were you?” they cried. “Very well; now dance!” And they turned their backs on the Grasshopper and went on with their work.

The grasshopper realizing he was much bigger than the ants, pushed them down and took their food.

The next day the ants returned with about a million of their friends, hacked the grasshopper into pieces with their big bitey mandibles and carried him back to their colony to feed the queen.

Moral

Ants are vindictive little bitches.

ants pixar

“If you play The Devil Goes Down To Georgia one more time…”

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