idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “satire”

Erie Redevelopment Authority to use House Facades to Fight Blight

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

shutterstock_50363353 (1) The Erie Redevelopment Authority (ERA), facing a shortage of state and federal funds, has announced a new plan to fight urban blight in the city.

The ERA will begin a pilot program of installing facades in front of decrepit houses to mask the homes’ true appearances.

“There are so many vacant houses, and we were getting behind on demolition,” according to ERA spokesperson Maureen Tucker. “So, we are rolling out this façade program – starting on the lower west side.”

The plan calls for facades to be placed directly in front of deteriorating houses, so that people walking or driving by will not notice the true state of the house.

“Were going for what real estate agents call ‘curb appeal’” said Tucker.

Phase two of the plan will begin in the spring, when the ERA will be adding cardboard cutouts of friendly neighbors in the windows of the facades.

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How to Appreciate Poetry in a Right and Proper Way

 

bullwinkle

Bullwinkle, appreciating the hell out some poetry.

Every now and again, when I’m feeling intellectually illiterate or a bit lowbrow, (anyone who has read this blog to any extent can understand how frequently that may be) I will resolve the feeling by appreciating poetry.

I just head to my closet, yank out my poetry sack, pull out a big wad of poetry, and appreciate the hell out of it.

Note: my poetry sack also serves as a repository for random unmatched socks.

When appreciating poetry in a right and proper way, there are a few things that are key:

Comprehension

If you can even remotely understand the meaning of a poem, it isn’t a proper poem. Poems tend to be vague or nebulous. Poets like to throw around a dizzying menagerie of random imagery, designed to confuse and disorient. If you’ve just finished reading a poem and you haven’t vomited in your mouth a bit, it isn’t proper poetry.

Symbolism

When a poet writes a poem about a leaf being blown from a tree, falling to the ground, and being trampled underfoot, he’s not actually writing about a leaf being blown from a tree, falling to the ground, and being trampled underfoot.

The leaf represents hopelessness, and the futility of a life marred by series of tragic events. The leaf being blown from the tree represents a life spiralling into an alcohol fueled abyss of despair. The leaf being trampled underfoot represents the crushing weight of an uncaring world and inevitable grip of death.

A morbid bunch–poets.

Emotional Response

Poems are written to evoke an emotional response from its readers. Once after reading a collection of poems by Sylvia Plath, I spent hours curled-up on the floor in the fetal position as I sobbed uncontrollably.

An excerpt from Daddy, one of Sylvia Plath’s best known poems:

If I’ve killed one man, I’ve killed two——
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.
There’s a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I’m through.

Holy Crap! Right?

Note: I don’t want to paint the picture that all poets are emotionally distressed alcoholics with father issues– but the really good ones are.

But Limericks Are Fun
Limericks are short humorous poems with a strict meter and A-A-B-B-A rhyme scheme. They tend to revolve around a man with an odd ability, from a small island off the coast of Massachusetts.
Sonnets
Sonnets are fourteen line poems that rose to popularity in the 13th century. They tend to be written by William Shakespeare and lovelorn teenage boys who are trying to impress teenage girls who are way out of their league.
Haiku
Haiku is not proper poetry, let’s all just stop pretending that it is.
Epic Poems
These are lengthy poems that generally involve deeds of heroism. A few examples of epic poems: Divine Comedy by Dante, Paul Revere’s Ride by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and Horton Hears a Who by Theodor Seuss Geisel.
Dr. Seuss
Don’t be fooled by this charlatan, while he may be the brilliant author of dozens of classic children’s books, he is not and has never been a medical professional.
Emily Dickinson vs. Angie Dickinson

Be sure that you know the difference. You don’t want to be chatting up a girl who is gushing over her love of Emily Dickinson when you say, “I know, she was smoking hot in Big Bad Mama.” Seriously– it ends badly.

angie Dickinson

This is not Emily Dickinson.

Interesting Fact
The Baltimore Ravens, the NFL franchise in Baltimore, is named after Edgar Allan Poe’s The Raven.
Note: if I had named the NFL franchise in Baltimore after an Edgar Allan Poe poem, I would have called them the Baltimore Conquering Worms. How much cooler would that have been?
A Moment of Braggadocio
I once wrote an essay in college, explicating The Tyger by William Blake, on which I received a grade of 99%. Take that doubters.
You Are Now Ready
You are now ready to pull out your own poetry sack, and start appreciating the hell out of poetry.
Final Note
I don’t want any whiny comments from people who love Haiku, write Haiku, read Haiku, or though the certifying of some bizarre clerical error at the hospital, have been named Haiku. It was just a joke…mostly.

Local Man to Host Drug Drop Off Event

gooferie

AA01People who have unused, unwanted or expired medications can dispose of them Friday by taking them to “Dan”, who will be collecting them free of charge.

“Dan”, no address listed, is collecting unwanted medication from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the southeast corner of 10th and Peach. There is no charge for the collection, which is being done in support of National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.

Medications must be in their original containers and personal information on vials should be concealed. People can also take nonprescription and over-the-counter medications.

Officially, no illegal substances, needles or other medical devices will be accepted, but “Dan” says he will work with you on that.

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Beer Barrel Rolled out at Zabawa, Striking Patron — gooferie

A visitor to the annual Polish festival Zabawa was slightly injured today, as a beer barrel got loose and rolled over him. According to Zabawa spokesman Zbigniew Piędziesięciogroszówka, the incident occurred when the beer barrel was rolled out prematurely. “Unfortunately, Zygmunt Zulowski, the barrel keeper, released the barrel before the gang had all gotten here.” […]

via Beer Barrel Rolled out at Zabawa, Striking Patron — gooferie

Cinderella’s Sisters Bash Prince For Foot Shaming

Cindereella's sisters

The angry and large footed sisters in question.

A Tiny Kingdom in a Faraway Land–“It’s an outrage,” an agitated Drizella told us as she fumbled with her extra wide orthopedic shoes for bunions. “It’s a clear and undeniable case of foot shaming.”

It seems the trouble started when Prince Charming began scouring the kingdom in search of a singular woman whose foot would fit into a glass slipper left behind at a recent ball.

“Real women have real feet,” Drizella’s sister Anastasia said. “That pompous Prince Charming shows up at our door with this tiny little slipper made of glass and you’re not good enough for him unless your foot fits into this ridiculous little shoe; if you have feet like a normal woman you’re automatically rejected. That’s hardly ‘charming’ behavior.”

“And glass footwear can’t possibly be safe,” Drizella added.

The sisters argue it’s sexist and demeaning to reduce a woman’s worth to her foot size.

“They’re just jealous because the glass slipper fit on the foot of their step-sister, Cinderella,” Prince Charming said.

“She’s nothing but lowly scullery maid,” Drizella shouted, “why should she get the prince just because she has dainty feet.”

“Cinderella does have dainty feet,” the prince conceded. “She also has perfect skin, flaxen hair, and a heart of gold. And unlike her step-sisters, she doesn’t have a blackened soul, a vicious mean streak, a crazily disturbing amount of warts, an infestation of genital chiggers, and breath that could kill a dragon.”

Cinderella

She has perfect skin, flaxen hair, and absolutely no genital chiggers.

“It’s called halitosis and it’s a medical condition,” Drizella said defending herself.

The sisters have hired a barrister and plan to launch a lawsuit against the prince for discriminatory practices.

“I guess they’re forgetting how an oppressive feudal system works,” the prince said as he chuckled to himself, “I’m a prince; I do whatever the hell I want.”

Cinderella couldn’t be reached for comment; she is currently in negotiations to launch her own brand of glass footwear called Cinderella Crossfits.

glass sneakers

For the active scullery maid who also wants to feel like a princess.

Local Man to Embark on Grueling 3-Day Trip to Popeye’s Drive-Thru — gooferie

With his vacation time approved, Erie resident Turner Donaldson has finished preparations for his three-day journey through the West 12th Street Popeye’s drive-thru. “I drive by every day and see how busy it is,” said Donaldson. “I figured I’d plan my vacation around getting some of that chicken. I’m actually taking four days’ worth of […]

via Local Man to Embark on Grueling 3-Day Trip to Popeye’s Drive-Thru — gooferie

Come See the Erie Frogs: Not Everbody Gets Eaten

erie frog

Big creepy frog.

If you been through Erie, Pennsylvania, you may have noticed a big creepy frog along the side of the road. You may have noticed several big creepy frogs along the side of the road. In fact, you may have noticed big creepy frogs everywhere.

There are, in fact, about 100 eight feet tall frog sculptures littered about Erie and the surrounding area.

erie frog

The frogs are part of the Lake Erie Art Project.

“Art isn’t meant to be beautiful; it’s meant to drive us and open us up to our fears and vulnerabilities…and if we can make small children wet themselves, so much the better,” one official said of the frogs. “We took that core philosophy and we ran with it; we ran like Forrest Gump.”

erie frog

The small one hasn’t stopped crying.

“You see,” the official went on to explain, “we felt there just wasn’t enough creepy shit in Erie. Don’t get me wrong, Erie is creepy: we have Bigfoot sighting on Presque Isle, haunted cemeteries, and roving bands of inbred cannibals, but we needed something extra.”

rocky frog

Another victim of the Erie frogs.

“And the rumor that the frogs come to life and devour people has been an unexpected bonus. If we can leave visitors of Erie scarred for life–we’ve done our job.”

erie frog

Another poor soul who got a little bit too close.

 

“So come to Erie and see our frogs,” the official said, “not everybody gets eaten.”

erie frog

“Welcome to Erie. You look delicious.”

Smoking: What are You Waiting For?

Recently I jokingly asked someone if they could recommend a brand of cigarettes, because I needed a hobby, and I planned to take up smoking. This was met with a glassy-eyed stare and an earnest lecture against the evils of smoking.

I felt it was time to revisit an old post extolling the many reasons people should start smoking.

Note: so many of my jokes are met with glassy-eyed stares, I could use them to hypnotize people.    

smoking face

See how happy you could be.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

The plight of tobacco executives in our country.

With the combination of class action lawsuits and the implementation of restrictive legislation, the poor tobacco executives in our country have taken a terrible beating over the past several years. It has resulted in a precipitous tumble in their social standing; they have gone from being filthy stinking rich, to being only extremely well off. If we don’t take immediate action, where will it end?

The fate of our tobacco executives if we don't take immediate action.image source: andertoons.com

The fate of our tobacco executives if we don’t take immediate action.
(image source: andertoons.com)

The word emphysema is really fun to say.

It’s a word that just rolls off your tongue.  Em-phy-se-ma: one syllable just flows into the next. Try saying it once. Try saying it several times in a row. Try saying it quickly. Try saying it quickly several times in a row (unless you have emphysema: you might pass out).

The great thing about emphysema is that once you have it, it never goes away. And emphysema will affect nearly every aspect of your life; so you will have no trouble working it into daily conversation:

  • The doctor diagnosed me with emphysema.
  • I’m taking this medicine for my emphysema.
  • I’d love to play with my grandchildren more, but I can’t because of my emphysema.
  • I climbed two flights of stairs and collapsed in a sweaty quivering mass due to my emphysema.
  • I won at scrabble when I played the word emphysema. Thank goodness I can still play board games.

Not only will you have fun with the word emphysema, but so will your friends and family, long after you’re gone:

  • What a nice funeral. I guess the doctor said he would have survived the pneumonia if hadn’t been for the emphysema.
  • He certainly died young, but his quality of life wasn’t very good with the emphysema.
  • Remember that time he coughed up a piece of lung and we all laughed for hours; crazy thing that emphysema.
In a twist of irony, you win a scrabble tournament playing the words healthy alveola.image source: snapdesign.com

In a twist of irony, you won a scrabble tournament playing the words, healthy alveoli.
(image source: snapdesign.com)

You need to know what they’re talking about.

You’ve seen them huddled together, enjoying their cigarettes, with their furtive glances and secretive whispers.

They’re outside of the bar, the restaurant, the bank. They’re outside any and every place of business. They assemble in the wind, the rain, and the snow. They assemble regardless of scorching heat or an F5 tornado. Nothing deters them.

What can they be talking about? It must be of incredible importance. They must be solving the puzzles of the universe.

You’ve tried approaching them, but without a cigarette in your hand, they just regard you with disdain and disgust.

It’s been eating at you; you need to know what they’re talking about.

Note: It’s a little known fact that Albert Einstein developed both special and general relativity, while huddled with a bunch of coworkers outside of a patent office, in a brutal German snowstorm.

Get lost, we're doing something important. We're developing a cure for cancer or emphysema. Hey, emphysema, that's fun to say.image source: sodahead.com

“Get lost, we’re discussing important things. We’re discussing a possible cure for cancer or emphysema. Hey, emphysema, that’s fun to say.”
(image source: sodahead.com)

To stick it to that know-it-all the Surgeon General

You’re a rebel and you don’t appreciate anybody telling you how to live your life. You certainly don’t need some preachy Surgeon General constantly yapping at you about lung cancer, heart disease, or 32 known carcinogens.

There are tons of dangerous activities out there that the Surgeon General has said absolutely nothing about:

  • Poking yourself in the eye with a stick.
  • Dropping a brick on your toes.
  • Insulting the wife of a tattoo laden biker dude.
  • Juggling knives.
  • Attempting to re-attach your fingers with a sewing needle and some thread following some ill-advised knife juggling.
  • Hitting yourself repeatedly in the face with a hammer.

Why don’t hammers come with an explicate warning from the Surgeon General; you don’t have to hit yourself in the face more than five or six times with a hammer, to do some real damage.

If we’re going to make any real changes, it’s up to all of you out there to light up and start puffing away.

I’d start smoking today if my jaw wasn’t wired shut.

I'm launching a law suit; those irresponsible executives at Black & Decker, need to learn.image source: wpclipart.com

I’m launching a lawsuit; those irresponsible executives at Black & Decker, need to learn.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

A Wasp Nest and a Bad Idea


wasp nest in tree

“How do you see this ending?” You ask your Uncle Finster.

“I don’t know what you mean?” Your Uncle Finster says as he wildly swings a garden rake at a wasp nest directly above his head, as he stands perched precariously atop the seat of a riding mower.

You pause a moment to reformulate your words. “How do you see yourself ten minutes from now; do you think you’ll be well or not well?”

“I will be very well once I get rid of this wasp nest,” he says as he takes another swipe, missing the bottom of the nest by an inch. “Wasp nests are very dangerous.”

“They are very dangerous,” you acquiesce, “that’s why I’m standing at a distance and not directly under the wasp nest.”

“You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.”

“But when you break an egg, wasps don’t sting in the face a thousand times.”

“Omelettes are delicious,” Uncle Finster admonishes you.

“Omelettes are delicious,” you agree. “A face full of wasp venom: slightly less so.”

Uncle Finster takes another wild swipe at the wasp nest, again barely missing it, this time losing his balance and nearly tumbling to the ground. “Are you here to help me or just to mock?”

“I’m definitely here to mock,” you clarify, “and I suspect to eventually call 911.”

Uncle Finster stops what he’s doing to look at you. “You always think the worst is going to happen.”

“This just reminds me of the time you had that hornet nest in your shed and you attempted to remove it with gasoline and a road flare.”

“I got rid of that hornet nest, didn’t I?”

“You got rid of the shed too.”

“I built a new shed.”

“And we all look forward to you burning that one down.”

Undeterred, Uncle Finster takes another swipe at the nest, again barely missing, and again nearly tumbling to the ground.

“That mower seat isn’t the sturdiest thing to stand on,” you warn Uncle Finster.

“This is the sturdiest mower on the market; that’s why I bought it.”

“I thought you bought it because your last mower burned up in the shed.”

Uncle Finster ignores your previous comment. “Maybe if I jump in the air while I swing the rake.”

“Maybe I should just get your ladder,” you offer.

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It burned up in the shed too,” Uncle Finster tells you with resignation.

“Of course it did,” you reply.

With that, Uncle Finster leaps in the air, swings the rake with all his might, and catches the bottom of wasp nest. Uncles Finster crashes to the ground, followed by the rake which cracks him in the skull, and then by the wasp nest and all its inhabitants.

It was glorious.

Uncle Finster did destroy the wasp nest. The admitting nurse at the emergency room laughed hysterically at pictures you got on your phone. And the wasps rebuilt their nest in Uncle Finster’s new shed.

So, all’s well that ends well…very well.

emergency

“It says here on your chart that you’re a dumbass.”

 

 

 

 

 

Justin Bieber’s Shrunken Face: More Weird Search Terms

justin bieber

It’s just so little.

As always, these are all real search terms from my stats page, rewritten exactly the way I found them, followed by a quick comment from myself.

why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it  You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.

how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese   I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.

sexy man riding a unicorn images  The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.

construction worker thumbs up thumbs up  One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.

mooning kilt  Aren’t all kilts for mooning?

my children’s story keep getting rejected  Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.

childrens story limburger cheese  This one sucked too.

tom cruise is an idiot  I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.

how many idiot are in the church of scientology  One less since Nicole left Tom.

cukes  Exactly.

katie holmes open mouth  Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.

cartoon vomit on guy  The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.

dental phobia funny jokes  There is nothing funny about dental phobias.

“pulled all his teeth”  See!

pi alamode  3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.

bug eyed black guy  Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)

bad guidance counselor of the year  The guidance counselor who advised this guy.

idiotprufs honey bee

His pay is all the honey he can eat.

Bug mac  More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.

Why you should start smoking  Because emphysema is fun to say.

a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana   Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.

best reasons for kids to start smoking  If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.

tinkerbell playing football  The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.

mcdonalds fries and rats  All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.

snooki rhyme satire  Much better that Snooki Haiku.

limerick about idiots  But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.

cartoon boxers  Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.

bee angry angry bee happy redd bee  One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.

a vicious cartoon bear  Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.

instrument for digging holes  Really?

bigfoot smokes pot  So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.

job interview stoned  Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.

justin biebers shrunken face  I’m more than a little proud this search term brought someone to this blog.

boy band with clown  Aren’t they all?

list of things that gets bulls angry  Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)

permanent cure for athletes foot  A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.

self-medication criteria in ungulates  Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.

self medicating before family gatherings  Before…during…after.

stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor  Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.

facts about bigfoot  They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.

Sasquatch in the woods  That too.

facts about mermaids  They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)

can an idiot ride a unicorn  Only if he’s a mythological idiot.

my summer story pictures  Even the search term sounds boring.

girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel  ??????

squat comedy  I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.

lady gaga costume designer  Also her butcher.idiotprufs lady gaga

pee electricity words wisdom  The first and last time you will ever see those words together.

cartoon cows behind an electric fence  Are you sure that fence is electrified.

my penis hit an electric fence  The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.

funny surprised face  Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

hysterical laughter cartoon  Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

looking detective search term idiotprufs

“Whoa, his face really has shrunken.”

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