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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “satire”

Driving Tips and Justified Vehicular Homicide

idiotprufs

You seem frustrated.

Let’s say you’re driving down one way street. You’re alert to your surrounding and obeying all the traffic laws, like the conscientious motorist that you are.

You begin to slow down because in front of you is a pair of pedestrians walking toward you down the middle of the street.

Surely they’ll move out of your way; you’re the motorist and they’re pedestrians in the middle of the street.

But they don’t move out of the way. You have to come to a complete stop.

As they get closer you can see that it’s a teenage couple. The girl has a look of complete oblivion on her face and the boy (or Smug Little Bastard as you refer to him) is just staring at you with a cocky look on his smug little bastard face.

You have to sit stationary for an interminable amount of time as you wait for them to slowly make their way past you and out of your way.

Now I’m not suggesting it should be legal to run over people like that with your vehicle…but it should be legal to run over people like that with your vehicle.

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be frowned upon. I’m not saying you wouldn’t receive stern looks of disapproval, but it should be legal.

You should at least be able to nudge them out your way with your bumper.

You’re also driving a company vehicle and you’re not sure how your employers would feel about their vehicle being used in such a manner.

Although, you are certain if they saw the look on Smug Little Bastard’s face, they’d give you the green light.

And if you are this young lady, what the hell are you thinking? Smug Little Bastard just lead you hand in hand into oncoming traffic. Get as far away from this dude as fast as you can. Your future with Smug Little Bastard is bleak.

Bleak is not a word I bandy about lightly.

Bleak!

You’re going to wind up in some ramshackle hut with Smug Little Bastard, a bunch of screaming brats, and a family of rabid opossums. And the opossums will be tolerable ones.

Also, at some point it may become legal to run somebody over who walks smugly down the middle of the street. If my ballot initiative passes in the next election, it will be legal to run somebody over who walks smugly down the middle of street.

So watch yourself.

falling down house

At least the opossums are happy. (Relatively happy.)

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A Quick PSA for Loud-mouthed Pricks

loud mouth

“Act just like me–I’m cool.”

I have a quick message for all the fun loving people loud-mouthed idiots out there who think I should behave the way they do.

Stop It!

Just because you want dance on a table, juggling shot glasses, butchering the lyrics to Love Shack at the top of your lungs, as your testicles dangle from your pants, doesn’t mean that I also want to do that.

I don’t want to see that happening.

I don’t want to be within the proximity of that happening.

I don’t even want the knowledge of that ever occurring.

I assume as a male of the species you have testicles–I don’t need proof.

And I know what’s in my own mind.

If I say I don’t want to pound shots of tequila–I don’t want to pound shots of tequila. I know you think it’s not a party until you’ve vomited on someone’s shoes, but not everyone appreciates having to clean chunks out of their shoelaces.

And for the love of all that is good and merciful, stop trying to make me sing karaoke. We defeated Japan in World War II and they gave us karaoke–let’s just call it even.

Also, why do we excuse boorish behavior based on the fact that it’s habitual.

If a person acts like a jerk once or twice, he’s being a jerk. However, if a person has a pattern of acting like a jerk it’s simply sloughed off as a personality trait.

If Timothy acts like a giant prick today–then Timothy is being a giant prick.

But if Timothy acts like a giant prick on a daily basis, multiple times a day with a seemingly limitless reservoir of giant prickness–then that’s just Tim being Tim.

Wrong!

Timothy is a giant prick! Period!

It’s like saying: sure Theodore Bundy was kidnapper, rapist, necrophile who confessed to torturing and murdering over thirty young women, but that was just Ted being Ted.

And stop describing your giant prick behavior as: “just keeping it real.”

You’re really a giant loud-mouthed prick.

Thank you for allowing me to get that off me chest. I feel much better now.hush now

Things Couldn’t Possibly Get Worse

couldn't get worseThere has never been a phrase so inviting of it’s own contradiction than the phrase “things couldn’t possibly get worse.”

The mere utterance of the phrase is a virtual guarantee that things are about to go horribly wrong.

Example:

You’re hiking through the woods with a friend. You’re beginning to think you’ve lost your bearings and you’re uncertain of where you are. You having increasing suspicions that your friend’s cartography skills were exaggerated.

You transition from being uncertain of where you are to complete certainty you are lost. Nighttime is approaching, a thunderhead is gathering overhead, you’re friend has just stepped in a giant pile of bear crap, (which as much as it amuses you, is a tad alarming) and you’ve come to the conclusion that you’re friend’s cartography skills were wildly exaggerated.

As the first streak of lightning burns across the sky you’re friend turns to you and says, “well, things couldn’t possibly get worse.”

Without saying a word, you reach down and retrieve a stick from the forest floor. You study the stick for a moment, then pull out a jackknife and whittle the stick into a fine point.

You turn to your friend, pause for a moment as he anticipates what you’re going to doing, then you jab you’re friend in the eye with the stick.

“Things are worse now aren’t they,” you say triumphantly.

Your friend is a little angry, but you were just trying to prove a point…plus, it really irritated you when “Mr. Map Expert” referred to the contour lines on his topographical map as squigglies.

You crash through the forest in the darkness and pouring rain for an interminable amount of time, hopelessly lost and almost certain you’re being stalked by either a bear or bigfoot.

Luck finally smiles upon as you come across a country road and there’s a vehicle approaching. Your friend jumps into the road, waving his hands in an effort to gain the driver’s attention.

Your friend mistimes his leap into the road and is struck by the car. As it turns out, being blinded in one eye seriously reduces your depth perception.

Luck is a fickle bitch.

“I guess things couldn’t get worse,” you finally concede to your friend as he lies in the road in a whimpering mass.

The words have barely left your lips when a bear lurches from the trees and mauls your friend. Bigfoot just watches.

After a lengthy recovery period and extensive physical and mental therapy, your friend is fine.

On plus side, with all the scars on his face and the eyepatch, he looks like a real badass.

You’d tell him that, if you were still on speaking terms.

Badass with eyepatch

See how badass your friend now looks. And not even a thank you.

Pompous Loudmouthed Jerk

Everyone knows someone who’s overbearing and obnoxious? That guy who’s ego is so enormous, it actually has small moons orbiting it. His head is so bloated it affects the tides.

He’s also a bully; he likes to denigrate people and is constantly belittling others.

He’s a pompous loudmouthed jerk.

I know somebody like that–I’m sure you do too.

And on occasion that guy points his petty tiny-brained aggresion in your direction.

How do you deal with it?

I have a solution that is guaranteed success: shoot him in the face with a crossbow.

It’s so simple. It’s so elegant. It works.

Regardless of what you’re doing or saying, regardless of your focus, once you’ve been shot in the face with a crossbow, that becomes your primary concern.

I know what you’re thinking: if I shoot somebody in the face with a crossbow, won’t there be ramifications? I don’t know exactly what happens when you shoot somebody in the face with a crossbow, but I probably won’t get invited to parties anymore and I could even lose my job.

Maybe. Maybe not.

If your job is shooting people in the face with a crossbow, you’re golden. If your job is anything else, there may be an issue, but you can always find another job.

And do you really want to go to parties where pompous loudmouthed jerks are allowed free reign with no chance of being shot in the face with a crossbow? Of course you don’t–nobody wants that.

I hope this post has been an aide to you; I know it’s helped me.

Just one of the small moons orbiting the Pompous Loudmouthed Jerk’s bloated ego.

Physically Fit to be Tied–And a Bit Older

image credit: TMZ

(image credit: TMZ)

“Are you physically fit?” bellowed the man on the television screen as he jabbed a muscular finger in my direction.

“I don’t know,” I exclaimed, a bit startled by the suddenness of the question.

“Are you physically fit?” he persisted. This man was loud, muscle bound, and so deeply tanned that where ever he was, he must have been near the surface of the sun.

“You’re getting older,” he continued.

I am getting older, I thought, nearly every day.

“Do you even know what it means to be physically fit?”

I had to admit that I really didn’t.

“Of course you don’t know what it means, you’re a tiny pathetic weed of a man.”

I still didn’t know what it meant, was a little insulted, but wished that someone would tell me.

“Well I’m going to tell you.” He seemed to be reading my mind. “Physical fitness is the ability of the body to function with vigor and alertness, and with ample energy to engage in leisure activities. Endurance and cardio respiratory integrity are the overt signs of physical fitness.

Well this was absolutely no help at all.

My body functions with vigor and alertness, in as much as I seldom fall asleep when I don’t want to. I have endurance; I can run over one-hundred feet before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious. As far as cardio respiratory integrity goes, my heart’s been beating for my entire life and hasn’t stopped yet, how much more integrity do you need?

Ample energy for leisure activities? Any activity that requires an amount of energy that can be characterized as ample, isn’t leisurely at all.

Here are a few activities that I don’t consider leisurely: running, jogging, speed walking, walking normally over long distances, walking slowly up an incline, lifting heavy objects, carrying heavy objects, lifting then subsequently carrying heavy objects, rock climbing. Rocks should never be climbed, if you’re trying to get somewhere and there is a rock in the way, go around it or blow it up. Why do think Alfred Nobel invented dynamite? They didn’t name that award after him because he wasted his time scrabbling up and down rocks.

It was at this point that the man on the screen began doing squat-thrusts. There has never been a time in the history of mankind that it was necessary to do a squat-thrust.

I decided to change the channel. Eventually I found a man reclined in a hammock, sipping a drink through a straw as waves washed a sun soaked beach in the background.

Now that’s a leisurely activity; one for which I have ample energy.

idiotpruf

Goofy has the idea.
(image source: wondersofdisney.com)

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania were in fact a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

It seems the road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road; remedying the fact that there wasn’t already a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the typical rumbling and shaking that comes from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards that require at least 39% of any 100 foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorist into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renown and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members, Don “eight fingers” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now almost completely impassable, bringing it into accordance with PennDOT standards.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

“They Can’t Read Shit,” Erie School District Lawyer Says

The Erie School District and School Board on Thursday said it would stop using the longtime lawyer, Tim Sennett, to handle school matters after a remark he made created an uproar at a board hearing.

Sennett said the charter school’s standardized test scores are so poor that he believed its students could not “read the newspaper.” Sennett then went on to say he thought Erie School District students “look funny and smell weird.”

“Recent comments by one of the attorneys representing the district were inappropriate and in no way reflect the administration’s or the School Board’s beliefs or the kind of culture we are trying to foster,” Erie Schools Superintendent Brian Polito said, “the wellbeing of our students is our top priority, regardless of how funny they look or how weird they smell–they smell like beets.”

Superintendent Polito was immediately stricken from his post.

An unnamed School Board official stated that former Superintendent Polito’s comments were absolutely not a representation of the School Board’s opinion of the “funny looking, weird smelling, semi-literate students,” within the Erie School system.

That unnamed official was then roughed-up and forcibly removed. “There’s something crazy in those little bastards eyes,” he was heard to yell as he was dragged away.

“Such comments could be damaging to self-esteem of our students,” a second unnamed official said, “luckily those comments should only appear in the newspaper, so those little crazy-eyed bastards are never going to see it.”

illiterate, idiotprufs

This Erie School System student also mispelled the word irony.

Walmart: Half Eaten Cakes and Jackbooted Thugs

Walmart: home of the jackbooted thug.

I recently happened upon a news story about a woman being banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, Texas, because she ate half a cake and refused to pay for the uneaten part.

How dare those totalitarian jackbooted thugs at Walmart.

Who hasn’t felt a little peckish and decided to pop into a Walmart, eat half a cake and then been on their way?

I myself once stopped into a Walmart, wolfed down half a bag of frozen chimichangas, and then stopped by a Home Depot to take a crap in one of their display toilets.

Now, I will gladly pay for the chimichangas, but I’m not forking over a single red cent for that toilet, regardless of what jackbooted judge says. Nor will I heed the counsel from my good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer.

Note: I know what you’re thinking: the phrase good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer is rife with redundancy. It is indeed.

I’m not allowed in Home Depot anymore, but that’s mostly because it’s outside the range of my ankle tether (unrelated issue.)

Note: for a company whose tagline is “More Saving. More Doing.” the people at Home Depot sure are touchy about going.  

Listen Walmart, people are going to come into your store hungry. If you leave cake right out in the open, it’s going be eaten. If a person came into your establishment naked, would you not expect them to take garments from the rack and clothe themselves? I would think you would want them to do so. I would think you would encourage it.

So lay off on all the jackbootedness, people of Walmart.

Whether it’s cake, half a bag of frozen chimichangas, or a two liter bottle of root beer, (it takes an entire two liter bottle of root beer to wash down half a bag of frozen chimichangas) just learn to let things go.

Final Note: why did I eat half a bag of frozen chimichangas? Because the microwaves are all the way on the other side of the store and they’re not even plugged in. You’ve got a lot of issues to deal with, Walmart.

Sure, she’s all smiles now, but take a crap in one toilet and she gets all crazy with accusation.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

gooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

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Own Worst Critic?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. You don’t seem to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you seem to be far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others would justify.

Maybe you just don’t understand what the word repugnant means. The word repugnant is not positive.

Nor is the word maximum-repugnacious.

Maximum-repugnacious is a made-up word. People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you–that’s bad.

The breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

adjective
distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:
a repugnant smell.
making opposition; averse.
opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like: repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or shit-for-brains, it isn’t positive.

Regardless of how many times you’ve been referred to as shit-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that shit-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something sciency?

It would take a shit-for-brains person to say something like that about Albert Einstein. Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

I guess my point is: your critics are voluminous and well deserved.

You’re probably readings this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You shit-for-brains.

Albert Einstein: unlike you, not a shit-for-brains.

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