Advertisements

idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “satire”

“They Can’t Read Shit,” Erie School District Lawyer Says

The Erie School District and School Board on Thursday said it would stop using the longtime lawyer, Tim Sennett, to handle school matters after a remark he made created an uproar at a board hearing.

Sennett said the charter school’s standardized test scores are so poor that he believed its students could not “read the newspaper.” Sennett then went on to say he thought Erie School District students “look funny and smell weird.”

“Recent comments by one of the attorneys representing the district were inappropriate and in no way reflect the administration’s or the School Board’s beliefs or the kind of culture we are trying to foster,” Erie Schools Superintendent Brian Polito said, “the wellbeing of our students is our top priority, regardless of how funny they look or how weird they smell–they smell like beets.”

Superintendent Polito was immediately stricken from his post.

An unnamed School Board official stated that former Superintendent Polito’s comments were absolutely not a representation of the School Board’s opinion of the “funny looking, weird smelling, semi-literate students,” within the Erie School system.

That unnamed official was then roughed-up and forcibly removed. “There’s something crazy in those little bastards eyes,” he was heard to yell as he was dragged away.

“Such comments could be damaging to self-esteem of our students,” a second unnamed official said, “luckily those comments should only appear in the newspaper, so those little crazy-eyed bastards are never going to see it.”

illiterate, idiotprufs

This Erie School System student also mispelled the word irony.

Advertisements

Walmart: Half Eaten Cakes and Jackbooted Thugs

Walmart: home of the jackbooted thug.

I recently happened upon a news story about a woman being banned from a Walmart in Wichita Falls, Texas, because she ate half a cake and refused to pay for the uneaten part.

How dare those totalitarian jackbooted thugs at Walmart.

Who hasn’t felt a little peckish and decided to pop into a Walmart, eat half a cake and then been on their way?

I myself once stopped into a Walmart, wolfed down half a bag of frozen chimichangas, and then stopped by a Home Depot to take a crap in one of their display toilets.

Now, I will gladly pay for the chimichangas, but I’m not forking over a single red cent for that toilet, regardless of what jackbooted judge says. Nor will I heed the counsel from my good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer.

Note: I know what you’re thinking: the phrase good-for-nothing, parasitic, money-sucking, lawyer is rife with redundancy. It is indeed.

I’m not allowed in Home Depot anymore, but that’s mostly because it’s outside the range of my ankle tether (unrelated issue.)

Note: for a company whose tagline is “More Saving. More Doing.” the people at Home Depot sure are touchy about going.  

Listen Walmart, people are going to come into your store hungry. If you leave cake right out in the open, it’s going be eaten. If a person came into your establishment naked, would you not expect them to take garments from the rack and clothe themselves? I would think you would want them to do so. I would think you would encourage it.

So lay off on all the jackbootedness, people of Walmart.

Whether it’s cake, half a bag of frozen chimichangas, or a two liter bottle of root beer, (it takes an entire two liter bottle of root beer to wash down half a bag of frozen chimichangas) just learn to let things go.

Final Note: why did I eat half a bag of frozen chimichangas? Because the microwaves are all the way on the other side of the store and they’re not even plugged in. You’ve got a lot of issues to deal with, Walmart.

Sure, she’s all smiles now, but take a crap in one toilet and she gets all crazy with accusation.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

gooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

View original post

Own Worst Critic?

I recently heard you say that you are your own worst critic.

You clearly have no idea what people are saying behind your back. You don’t seem to grasp what people are saying to your face.

In fact, you seem to be far more pleased with yourself than the facts or the opinions of others would justify.

Maybe you just don’t understand what the word repugnant means. The word repugnant is not positive.

Nor is the word maximum-repugnacious.

Maximum-repugnacious is a made-up word. People are coining new derogatory phrases to describe you–that’s bad.

The breadth of the English language doesn’t contain enough pejorative terms to adequately describe your horribleness.

Let’s look at the definition of the word repugnant:

adjective
distasteful, objectionable, or offensive:
a repugnant smell.
making opposition; averse.
opposed or contrary, as in nature or character.

When your name crops up in the same sentence as words like: repugnant, distasteful, objectional, offensive, malodorous, repulsive, vomit-inducing, or shit-for-brains, it isn’t positive.

Regardless of how many times you’ve been referred to as shit-for-brains, you never seem to take it as an insult.

Why do you think people don’t describe Albert Einstein as that shit-for-brains patent clerk who eventually did something sciency?

It would take a shit-for-brains person to say something like that about Albert Einstein. Do you remember the time you said that about Albert Einstein?

I guess my point is: your critics are voluminous and well deserved.

You’re probably readings this right now, chuckling to yourself, and thinking: I wonder who this is about.

You shit-for-brains.

Albert Einstein: unlike you, not a shit-for-brains.

It Doesn’t Meme a Thing

crazy girl meme

I’ve been seeing this meme crop up quite a bit recently, and it’s starting to bother me.

What are you really saying about yourself when you slap this on your Facebook page?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE RIFE WITH SALMONELLA.

YOU DON’T DESERVE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE NOT INDUCING PROJECTILE VOMIT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHEN YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY OUR WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE A WHORE.

YOU DON’T DESRVE ME WHEN I’M NOT HURLING UTENSILS ACROSS A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANLDE ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET. 

YOU DON’T DESREVE ME WHEN I’M NOT STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET.

OR

I’M A PHYCHO!

woman crazy

“You don’t deserve me when I’m not trying to murder you in your sleep.”

 

You’re Not Really a Bad Person

snidley whiplash

“You can tell by my maniacal sneer I’m a good guy.”

You’re not really a bad person.

Sure, you parked in front of that fire hydrant despite the big sign clearly indicating not to park in front of the fire hydrant. You know, because of all the laws and such.

You couldn’t have possibly known that orphanage would catch on fire.

You did see some smoke coming from the building, but you imagined a nice cozy fire burning in the fireplace…midday in the middle of August.

And while it seemed odd the smoke was emanating from a window and not a chimney, you’re not a fireplace expert.

Besides, it wasn’t very much smoke…at first.

For all you knew, they were just electing a new orphan pope.

And you’re all for freedom of religion, despite that time you punched that Jehovah’s Witness in the face. But he rang the doorbell and got you out of bed…it was barely past noon.

And while you made the decision to argue with the firemen rather than allow them the unimpeded ability to aide the orphans who were now fleeing for their lives from a burning building, we all have our priorities.

Hey! Those firemen put a scratch on your car that isn’t going to buff out.

What’s the big deal anyway? They’re orphans–they’re used to hardship.

You probably shouldn’t have cursed at that nun, but it was a very intense situation. And that crack she made about your future be filled with damnation and hellfire just seemed mean.

No! You are not a bad person at all.

fire forest

Fires make everything nice and toasty warm.

 

Slacked-Jawed Neighbors and Their Spawn


As the weather turns and provides respite from the bitter cold and the mountains of lake-effect snow that Lake Erie has so generously dumped on you all Winter, you feel a sense of relief.

A sense of relief that is quickly shattered by a sudden realization: all of that cold and snow provided a sort of barrier, a buffer, between you and your slack-jawed neighbors. And more crucially, between you and your slack-jawed neighbor’s slack-jawed reprobate spawn.

You’ve so much to look forward to in the coming months: bicycle tracks through your yard, cigarette butts littered about, bansheelike wailing throughout the night, the occasional acts of vandalism, and stench of sulfur that alerts you to their presence.

In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania you are not allowed to taser minors.

What the hell were those pin heads in Harrisburg thinking?

It seems there is no physical barrier that can thwart them:

  • Electrified fence
  • Razor wire
  • Electrified fence with razor wire
  • Moat
  • Moat filled with alligators
  • Moat filled with piranha
  • Moat filled with alligator sized piranha
  • Moat filled with acid
  • Moat filled with acid resistant piranha
  • Moat filled with acid resistant alligator sized piranha

It seems futile until you stumble upon the one thing that makes them scatter like the disgusting little cockroaches they are: Holy water.

Maybe it won’t be such a bad Summer after all.

Why do you think they built that wall in China? It was the freaking neighbor kids.

Let’s All Just Start Accepting the Truth


Wouldn’t life be easier if we all just told the truth?

Wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t sugarcoat things?

Wouldn’t it be better if we just accepted things as they are?

Imagine a world where we didn’t have to censor ourselves; a world where people didn’t get their shorts all twisted up in a bunch over every little thing you say.

Example:

Easily Offended Individual: don’t you think my baby is beautiful?

You: what do you mean–for a lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: I mean beautiful for a baby.

You: a baby lizard?

Easily Offended Individual: for a baby person!

You: your baby looks like a lizard.

Easily Offended Individual: people say the baby takes after me!

You: you have lizard eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you’re an ass!

You: but I’m an ass with normal eyes.

Easily Offended Individual: you can go to Hell!

See. If people would just accept the fact that they have a creepy lizard baby, everything would be easier and there would be a lot less occurrences of people who were only being honest, being punched in the face by angry women who are most likely suffering from postpartum depression.

I’m just saying.

Lizard like reflexes.

 

Reefer Madness and a Bit of Math

pot shop

Albert Einstein almost never hung out here.

Dutch researchers have done it again.

From the people who have already given us windmills, Holstein cows, gouda cheese, Heineken, orange carrots (seriously, orange carrots-look it up), and crucially: the idea that my date will pay for her own meal, comes another breakthrough.

Dutch researchers have determined that students who were banned from smoking marijuana in Dutch coffee shops were found to be more likely to pass exams, specifically math based ones.

The effect is “five times larger” for courses requiring quantitative thinking and maths-based tasks, the researchers wrote. They then crossed out that figure and changed it to “four times larger” before crossing out that figure and changing it to “ten times larger.” They then admitted that they were quite confused and unsure of the figures–they had been smoking a lot of pot that day. They then put on some Steely Dan records and sent out for munchies.

Note: in an unrelated study, Dutch researchers have discovered that people who repeatedly whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, are more likely to suffer from headaches than people who don’t. Additionally, people who drink a case of Heineken every day are even more likely to whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, but less likely to feel the effects. The Dutch are freakin’ awesome.

The Dutch, known for their thoroughness and incredible dyke building skills, have compiled a list of activities hindered by the use of marijuana:

  • Basic math skills.
  • Advanced math skills.
  • Common core math (actually, heavy drug use helps with this).
  • Operating heavy machinery.
  • Operating heavy machinery while trying to remember the lyrics of your favorite Grateful Dead song.
  • Operating heavy machinery while remembering that your favorite Grateful Dead song has no lyrics; it’s just 25 minutes of twangy guitar music.
  • Taking deep breaths without hacking up a lung.
  • Finding Lake Titicaca on a map.
  • Saying the name Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Not giggling uncontrollably.
  • The ability to have a conversation with a person without referring to him as “man” repeatedly.
  • The ability to enter a grocery store without purchasing a case of Twinkies.

Additionally, the Dutch have discovered in manufacturing companies where marijuana use is prevalent among its workers, production levels have seen a substantial drop. However, this doesn’t apply to companies that produce tie-dye clothing; drug use in those companies seems to cause an explosion of production…at least until everyone gets hungry and starts searching for munchies.

Note: it is a little known fact that tie-dye was invented in 1928, when after eating a tainted breakfast burrito, Walt Disney vomited on a co-workers shirt, and really liked the way it looked. He then drew something about a mouse on a steamboat. The Dutch don’t invent everything.

Meanwhile in North Korea:

Man Claims Ghost Planted Drugs Found in Home


police man

A man in Louisiana was arrested after police arrived at his home in response to a purported assault. The man, cops say, had called 911 to claim that he had been “stabbed on the head by an axe.”

When officers arrived at the man’s West Monroe home, they determined that he was not suffering from any axe wounds (he did have a fairly nasty papercut and those can be really painful). Cops did, however, spot in plain view on a night stand a open brown paper containing approximately 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine.

According to the man, a ghost may have put it there.

Is it not patently obvious what is happening here: this poor man is being haunted by an apparition that not only stabs him on the head with an axe, but also plants drugs and drug paraphernalia in his home. I also suspect that troublemaking ghost had something to do with that nasty paper cut.

“It’s ridiculous,” one of the responding officers commented, “you can’t stab someone with an axe; you chop someone with an axe. You can pretty much hack a person to bits if you have a good axe…all in all this was a disappointing crime scene.”

Quizzed by cops, the man said that “a ghost or intruders” planted the drugs before climbing out a bedroom window. This claim, investigators determined, “was not accurate.”

“Climbing out windows is not normal modus operandi for ghosts,” the officer said, “they tend walk through walls or disappear into an ethereal mist…this was a very disappointing crime scene.”

The man was charged with narcotics possession and making a false report to police.

The ghost has yet to be located, but the police are still looking.

casper

Be on the lookout for this ghost. He’s white, translucent, and is purported to be friendly.

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: