idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “satire”

The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania

flagElection day has come and gone and my ballot initiative to become King of Pennsylvania has failed miserably. If I am to be honest, it probably had little chance of passing.

Exit polling revealed some the reasons for the initiative’s poor showing. Respondents said the following:

  • Who?
  • Is that the idiot who’s digging the moat around his house?
  • Seriously, who?
  • I think I pepper-sprayed that guy once.
  • I thought that was a joke–I voted yes. What the hell have I done.
  • Man these genital warts really itch…sorry, what was your question again? Are you sure you don’t want your pencil back?
  • Of course I voted yes; I think it’s a brilliant idea. Besides, the voices in my head told me to vote yes. The voices usually just tell me to kill.

Upon receiving only .0001 percent of the vote, (myself and couple of drunk guys) I’ve decided to change my tactics: I will take the state by force.

Once I have seized control of the state I will implement the following changes:

  • I shall be referred to as: The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania.
  • Anyone who doesn’t refer to me as The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania, will be incarcerated in Erie Penitentiary.
  • The city of Erie will transformed into a maximum security penitentiary that will hold the most vile of criminals: murderers, violent felons, cannibals, mimes, thieves, and people who drive slowly in the passing lane. (Seriously, can’t you see that you’re screwing up traffic?)
  • I will make Bigfoot the official bird of Pennsylvania. (Of course it makes no sense!)
  • I will open a tattoo parlor and I will tattoo people with dreadful incompetence and when they complain, I’ll just say, “I’m not really a tattoo artist am I?”
  • I’ll put wifi in every building in the state, but only I will know the password.
  • Every hour of the day will be happy hour.
  • Every first born child will be named Finster–boy or girl.
  • My daughter, Finster, shall be referred to as The Prodigiously Powerful Princess of Pennsylvania. (Her close friends will call her Sally.)
  • I shall deal with any person who says “lol” out loud in lieu of actual laughter, with an iron fist.
  • I will have an iron fist constructed.
  • I will seize control of the Amish Mafia. (And they can’t stop me–I’ll have an iron fist.)
  • Every road leading into Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Foreplay Avenue.
  • Every road leading from Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Faked Orgasm Avenue.
  • And most crucially: Ground Hog Day will be replaced with Red Panda Day. (Red Pandas aren’t afraid of their shadows, they pee on them.)

If all goes well, I may annex West Virginia.

cardinal

West Virginia’s state bird…for now.

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Poop Flinging Monkeys and Origami Condoms

monkey throwing poop

He’s right-handed–make a note of that.

A while back I wrote a post entitled, What the Hell is Going on, detailing the National Institute of Health’s spending of $3.8 million to make monkeys alcoholic. (The amount spent on monkey rehab is still unreported.)

The Daily Mail has now reported another list of bizarre NIH spending:

$2.4 million dollars to develop an ‘origami’ condom.

I’ve always felt the biggest problem with condoms is that they’re not in the shape of a swan. They’re just too easy to use; stopping to remove the condom from its package, and apply it without losing the ‘moment’ is just too simple; why not also have to fold it into shape of dragon.

$939,000 dollars to determine that male fruit flies prefer younger female fruit flies.

Researchers have determined that this is caused by drop in hormone levels as female fruit flies age, but we know that’s a load of crap.

When you have a 24 hour lifespan, that midlife crisis hits you fast and hits you hard. It’s about noon, you’re flying around a waste basket containing discarded apple cores, when it hits you: my life is half over and I haven’t even had lunch yet.

You buy an unpractical sports car, start dressing inappropriately for your age, you get a couple of piercings and a tattoo that reads: forever young.

You dump your twelve-hour old wife for a nubile six-hour old.

You’re balding, you have a paunch, your behavior is embarrassing, and tomorrow you’ll be dead.

I believe my assessment to be more accurate, and it cost $939,000 less.

$592,000 dollars to determine that chimpanzees with the best poop flinging skills are also the best communicators.

I think I can write without fear of contradiction: if you address someone by slapping a fistful of your feces in their face, you will have effectively gained their undivided attention.

However, be prepared for that person to subsequently communicate their feelings…violently.

$117,000 to learn that most chimps are right-handed.

Couldn’t the researchers from the previous study have just made of note of which hand the chimps were throwing their feces with; if you’re going to do something as important as throwing your feces, you’re not going to do it off-handed.

$325,000 to learn that marriages are happier when wives calm down more quickly during arguments with their husbands.

This is like doing a study to determine that fire is hot.

The real question is why do wives in some marriages calm down more quickly during arguments. I’m willing to bet it’s because husbands in those marriages, during arguments, don’t say things like:

  • I don’t know why you’re acting so crazy.
  • I think you’re overreacting to that remark about your acting crazy.
  • Can’t this wait until the game’s over.
  • Who cares what your friends think; it’s my opinion that matters.
  • Sure those jeans make you look fat. Bit if I wanted a skinny wife, I would have married your sister.

This study also showed that marriages were completely unaffected when the husbands were the ones who became calm more quickly. This just proves two things that everybody already knew:

  1. Women just want men to understand why they’re upset and empathize with them.
  2. Men don’t care; we just want to drink beer and watch football without all the noise.

$832,000 went to learn if it was possible to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

Note: is this what the couples in the previous study were arguing about? Because that would make sense to me.

Let’s be clear about this.

This wasn’t an attempt to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

This was a study to learn if it was ‘possible’ to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

Let me save you $832,000: yes it’s possible.

Anything is possible. It’s possible to be struck by lightning. It’s possible or win the lottery. It’s possible that I’ll grow to like mimes.

Note: You’re thinking that last one isn’t possible. If you gave me $832,000 to like mimes; I would like me some mimes.

And how do they know uncircumcised South African tribesmen don’t wash their genitals after sex? It feels like something creepy has been going on there.

Note: perhaps uncircumcised South African tribesman would be more conscientious of genital hygiene if they didn’t have to fold their condoms into the shape of a chrysanthemum. Chrysanthemums are freaking hard. Read more…

King of Pennsylvania

kings crownToday is election day across the country. Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes today I will become king of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

I must admit, there has been some opposition to the prospect of my becoming king of Pennsylvania. You could even categorize some of the opposition as extremely heavy.

I would be a kind and benevolent king. Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed; mostly bureaucrats and slack-jawed neighbors who live across the street.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of ridiculous reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of Pennsylvania. They carelessly throw around phrases like maniacally unhinged and dangerously unbalanced.

They offer proof such as:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • My plans for a castle with a moat and turrets for canons would violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • My plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put canons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with canons. (This one is fair–I would lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against New York State. (King Cuomo and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plan to change Ground Hog Day to Red Panda Day.
  • They say my plans to turn the entire city of Erie into a maximum security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these point are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

So get out there vote.

Note: My previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure. Hopefully, this one fairs better.

I still don’t understand why my slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day initiative failed. Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face–and there should be a day for it. 

A Simple Solution

bad neighbors

The neighbors from across the street.

Do you have neighborhood kids whose typical daily behavior allows you to describe them, without fear of gratuity or contradiction, as vicious rampaging beasts?

Do you have neighborhood kids who trample your rose bushes?

Do you have neighborhood kids who kick over your garden gnomes and pee on them?

Of course you do.

Do you also have slack-jawed dull-witted neighbors who sit on their front porch all day and intently watch everything you do as they suck down bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and smoke hand rolled cigarettes?

Do these neighbors frequently come over to your house to complains about things?

Do they complain that the squirrels living in the pine tree in your backyard make too much noise with their incessant chittering?

Do they complain that these squirrels keep dropping pine cones into their yard in a defiant and cocky manner?

Do they also claim the squirrels are stealing their mail and even responding to some of it?

Do you have neighbors who have done an enormous amount of hallucinogenic drugs in their life?

Of course you do.

Are sick of buying raffle tickets every time someone in town wants to send their kid to cheerleader camp?

How many camps does it take to learn to be cheery?!

I have a simple solution to your problem: a moat!

For only $99.99 you can receive a complete do it yourself moat installation kit.

The kit includes:

  • A shovel.
  • A garden hose.
  • A piranha starter kit. (One male and one female…hopefully, it’s hard to tell.)
  • Detailed instructions on how to properly use a shovel and a hose without inadvertently trapping yourself in a mud filled hole…it happens to people!

And when you’re not using the shovel to dig the moat, it can be effectively used to whomp undesirable visitors over the head. (You’ll probably have to deal with some mealy-mouthed guy from the borough, droning on and on about what residential properties are or aren’t zoned for.)

So order now and you too can know the security of your own moat!

Drawbridge not included.

shovel

Handy tool/effective head whomper.

Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

Gladys_KravitzMembers of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t…

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Idiotprufs’ Tips for Halloween

jack-o-lanternIt’s the time of the year for spooks, goblins, witches, monsters, ghouls, and all manner of beastly and horrifying creatures…but enough about your family reunion, this post is about tips for Halloween.

Halloween Tip #1

When you’re carving your jack-o-lantern, you should try your best not cut your thumb off. But if you do happen to sever a digit: use it. Your jack-o-lantern covered with blood spatter and with a severed thumb next to it will be the hit of the neighborhood.

Halloween Tip #2

Don’t cheap out on the treats. You don’t want to be that person in the neighborhood who passes out pennies or walnuts or apples. Have you ever been pelted in the face with pennies or walnuts or apples? It stings. 

Remember: other people’s children are all dull-witted potato-faced monsters who belong in juvie, (your children, however, are precious) don’t give them a reason to egg your house.

And don’t be that guy that gives out toothbrushes; you’re just asking for house to be burned down.

Halloween Tip #3

If some of those rapscallion neighborhood kids should decide to play tricks on you regardless of the generosity of your treat giving, you need to be prepared.

There are dozens of tactics I could advise, but it really condenses to three simple words: release the hounds.

Halloween Tip #4

Always keep a good lawyer on retainer. (See Halloween Tip #3.)

Halloween Tip #5

Have no regrets.

It’s the day after Halloween and you’re cleaning egg from the side of your house, (next year those little dull-witted potato-faced monsters are getting pennies) and the lawsuits are already going forward. (See Halloween Tip #3 again.) 

You try to text your friend about your troubles, but you find texting is just one of the many things that is much more difficult without a thumb. While your severed thumb looked great next to the jack-0-lantern, a crow flew away with it almost immediately so really didn’t get the full benefit the effect. 

Halloween Tip #6

Screw Halloween.

trick or treaters

Next year you little dull-witted potato-faced monsters are getting pennies.

 

What the Hell is That?

reindeeer with glowing antlers

“You’ve got nothing on me Rudolph.”

In what is being hailed as the technological breakthrough of the century, a group of Finnish scientists have created a new breed of radioactive reindeer.

Note: The Finnish are often referred to as the technological juggernauts of the world. After all, they gave us Angry Birds.

“We are the technological juggernauts of the world,” one of the leading Finnish researchers, Johannes Korhonen, stated at a recent press conference. It seems the Finnish have developed a new breed of radioactive reindeer they claim will revolutionize the world.

Here at idiotprufs I was able to secure an interview with Dr. Korhonen.

idiotprufs: So, why radioactive reindeer?

Dr. Korhonen: Frankly, we just got sick of inducing cancer in lab rats, I mean, we’ve absolutely done that to death. So we decided to move on to something bigger.

idiotprufs: That’s a pretty big jump from lab rats to reindeer.

Dr. Korhonen: It is. At first we tried it with badgers, but those things are freaking nuts. A bunch of them got loose, knocked over one of the researches, chewed his ears off, and ran away with them.

idiotprufs: Wow.

Dr. Korhonen: Then they came back and taunted him.

idiotprufs: That’s horrible.

Dr. Korhonen: Indeed. They’d already taken his ears–there was no need to say those horrible things about his mother.

idiotprufs: The badgers can talk?

Dr. Korhonen: Of course not.

idiotprufs: Then how did you know they were saying things about his mother?

Dr. Korhonen: It was in their body language.

idiotprufs: Okay? I’m just curious, why do you consider this to be an advancement that will revolutionize the world?

Dr. Korhonen: Are you serious? We have practically developed a cure for not being radioactive.

idiotprufs: Is not being radioactive a big problem?

Dr. Korhonen: Not anymore. Did you know that due to their glowing antlers, the incidents of reindeer being struck by motorists, have greatly decreased over the past year?

idiotprufs: But what about the fact that the incidents of Finnish motorists screaming, “what the hell is that?” and careening off the road have greatly increased over the past year?

Dr. Korhonen: One problem at a time.

The interview then ended abruptly when a pack of frenzied badgers chased Dr. Korhonen from the room. They seemed angry. One of them had an ear.

hans gruber idiotprufs

Dr. Johannes Korhonen, he looks vaguely like that guy from Die Hard.

Bursting With Pride in the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania

idiotprufs bigfoot

“I hope no one saw me.”

A resident of the great commonwealth of Pennsylvania has reported to police that his 1973 Winnebago motor home was vandalized by a Bigfoot. The windows and tail lights were broken out with what he described as a fusillade of rocks.

Note: isn’t fusillade a fun word to use?

In the police report the suspect was described as, “very large, brown in color, and walks somewhat hunched over.” The victim was unable to describe whether or not the attacker “was hairy” investigators added.

Evidently in an attempt to avoid discovery the ape-like creature began to hurl rocks at the Winnebago.

Note: avoiding discovery is only 8th or 9th on my list of reasons to hurl rocks at things.

In an odd coincidence, it seems the victim happens to be a Bigfoot hunter and has a Facebook group devoted to such.  His Facebook page offers some advice if you come face-to-face with a Sasquatch. Here are couple of gems, copied exactly as he wrote them:

Bigfoot tip #1: when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.

Note: I don’t know if the victim pronounces the T in often, but he obviously adds an extra F.

Bigfoot tip #2:  if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..

Note: I hope that image is now seared into your brain.

Here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania we are simply bursting with pride.

rock as weapon

The preferred weapon of Bigfoot.

 

 

The Big Family Picnic: The Aftermath

idiotprufs nerds

A lovely family having a picnic–this is not your family.

The big family picnic has hit your community like a tsunami and is now slowly receding back into the ocean.

Your local emergency room has been taken off high alert and much of their staff has been given a well deserved vacation.

Once again your family has overtaxed their staff, frayed their nerves, and extinguished their stock of gauze, sutures and eye patches.

They’ve treated various members of your family for the following injuries, ailments, and assorted issues:

  • Contusions.
  • Abrasions.
  • Cuts.
  • Lacerations.
  • Puncture wounds.
  • Broken bones.
  • Bone bruises.
  • Minor burns.
  • Severe burns.
  • Indian burns–you have an uncle who’s a jackass. (Actually you have several.)
  • Food poisoning.
  • Alcohol poisoning.
  • Lead poisoning.
  • Radiation poisoning.
  • Smoke inhalation.
  • Bite wounds–some animal, some human, some unidentifiable, and one that appears to be from a Bigfoot.
  • Stab wounds.
  • Gunshot wounds.
  • Crossbow wounds.
  • Ax wounds.
  • One particularly gruesome wound seemingly caused by medieval mace.
  • Asphyxiation in one individual who appears to have been strangled with a garter snake.
  • One garter snake bite.
  • Several cases of acute mental distress.
  • One case of a crippling fear of barbecue implements.
  • One barbeque implement lodged in a bodily orifice it has no business being anywhere near.
  • Dysentery.
  • Scurvy.
  • The plague.
  • Acute jock itch. (Don’t ask.)

The source of many of the problems was your uncle and his trunk full of games/weapons:

  • Horse shoes.
  • Horse whips.
  • Croquet mallets.
  • Croquet balls.
  • The little hoops you knock the croquet ball through that can be used to puncture human skin.
  • Lawn darts–your family is the reason lawn darts were made illegal in the State of New York and why a similar measure concerning bocce balls is currently making it’s way through state legislation.
  • Bocce balls.
  • Softballs.
  • Softball bats.
  • Vampire bats.
  • Dueling pistols.
  • Unexploded ordinance.
  • A board with a nail through it–this has the dual purpose of breaking open pinatas and killing barn rats.
  • A big stick with a jagged point that your uncle refers to as his eye-poking stick.

Once again your aunt has brought a cauldron of potato salad with way too much eye-of-newt in it. It results in stomach cramps, vomiting, and explosive diarrhea. Also, your cousin grows a tail.

Your aunt claims she had nothing to do with the locust swarm, but it seems like a bit of a coincidence that it happens every year.

Another aunt accosts you because you told her daughter that if she ate a dragonfly she would turn into a dragon.

Note: Have you ever eaten a dragonfly? You don’t know this isn’t true.

Your uncle–the volunteer firefighter–has inadvertently set fire to himself, a pavilion, and an old-growth forest. Unfortunately your uncle was only one still standing at the end of the day.

As the big family picnic passes and dissolves into repressed memories and a series of panic filled nightmares, your only hope is that all the injuries–apart from some of the more radical skin grafts–heal before the next big family picnic.

Your family seems horrible.

I’m just saying.

locust

Doesn’t every family’s picnics involve a swarm of locusts?

Stingrays and Vinny from Yonkers

Don’t let the happy face fool you; this is a vicious monster.

Do you remember as a child, adults would bandy about that old saw that a bee would only sting if you provoked? Do you also remember the dissemination of that bit of information generally came moments after being stung by a bee?

I recall an instance in my childhood, sitting in my backyard, quietly playing in a manner that could be readily described as angelic, when a bee decided it had become sufficiently provoked. My youthful playtime came to an abrupt halt with the introduction of searing pain to the side of head.

I went in search of sympathy, only to find an accusatory tone. Unfortunately two of my aunts were visiting.

“What did you do to it?” The first asked in her typically snide voice.

“What did I do to it?” She was obviously confused by the sequence of events.

“You must have provoked it,” the other chimed in, with her less snide, but decidedly more mannish voice.

Note: my aunts’ inability to recognize a child playing in a manner that could be readily described as angelic, likely stems from their own entirely unangelic nature…they’re really bitchy.

Informed by this experience, I watched in amusement as a tour guide on a travel show condescendingly told Vinny from Yonkers, “don’t be alarmed by that stingray brushing against your leg, they only attack when they’re angry or provoked.”

Vinny from Yonkers response was to act alarmed. He then gave the tour guide a look that generally precedes a punch in the face.

Any animal in which the word “sting” is prominent in its name, is probably an animal of which to be wary. It is generally wise to approach anything with the ability to sting, with caution.

Things that sting:

  • Bees.
  • Wasps.
  • Hornets.
  • Platypuses (yes they sting; watch the Discovery Channel sometime).
  • Stinging nettles.
  • Graig Nettles, former gold glove third basemen of the New York Yankees, and his rapier wit.
  • Scorpions.
  • That vicious rejection from the cute girl you asked out. Seriously, she didn’t have to say that thing about your face.
  • Jellyfish.
  • Yellow jackets the type of insect.
  • Buzz the yellow jacket mascot of Georgia Tech. He didn’t have to say that thing about your face either.
  • That slap you received after making an ill-advised comment about your aunt’s mannish voice.
  • Gordon Sumner (Sorry, this is from the “things called sting” list).
  • Stingrays.

Also, how would you go about determining the mental state of a stingray? I’ve never seen one that appeared happy-go-lucky.

It’s probably hard being a big flat fish living on the bottom of the ocean, always afraid that some fat tourist named Vinny will step on your back.

Stingrays have their mouths and nostrils situated on their underbellies; that cannot be a pleasant way to exist.

And have you seen what stingrays look like? They’re all crazy ugly; stingray sex must be just awful.

A stingray’s sting can result in extreme pain, illness, the amputation of affected limbs, and in extreme cases, death.

Note: if you’re a condescending tour guide, they can also cause you to get punched in the face by a guy from Yonkers named Vinny.

Any animal that on a whim can cause my life to end, is by my way of thinking, a source of alarm.

Or is it possible that you could run into a stingray with a sense of humor; a stingray that finds it amusing to sting a condescending tour guide.

Either way, you should be careful before you smugly tell someone not to be alarmed. You could be dealing with a stingray with a sense of humor, or guy named Vinny without one.

stingray

My sex life is just atrocious.

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