idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “nursery rhyme”

Local Spider has Altercation with Girl

little miss muffet

An artist’s rendition of the incident.

“It was horrifying,” the victim said pausing to catch his breath, “it was probably the single most horrifying thing that’s ever happened to me.”

It seems Mr. Chadwick P. Arachnid was innocently spinning his web when a Miss Muffet began creating a disturbance.

“She was screaming hysterically and waving her arms around like a crazy person,” Mr. Arachnid said. “Then she threw a bowl at me. Now my web is filled with curds and whey; it’s completely ruined the dead flies I had stored there.”

Miss Muffet claims it was Mr. Arachnid who frightened her. “That ugly thing scared me so badly I fell off my tuffet,” Miss Muffet told us.

“I’m ugly?” Mr. Arachnid said in disgust. “I thought that screaming giant pink bulbous face of hers was the last thing I was I ever going see…and what the hell is a tuffet anyway?”

The authorities have cautioned Miss Muffet and Mr. Arachnid to keep their distance from each other.

“No one has to tell Little Miss Muffet to stay away from that awful thing,” Miss Muffet asserted.

“Did that gargantuan thing refer to herself as little,” Mr. Arachnid said in disbelief. “She should call herself Behemoth Miss Muffet.”

It took several officers to restrain Miss Muffet after she came after Mr. Arachnid with a rolled-up newspaper.

Mr. Arachnid survived the attack but is recuperating with three broken legs.

spider

“I stand by my assertion–she’s huge.”

Village Faces Lawsuit Following Unfortunate Tumble

falling down

Artist rendition of the incident.

North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.

“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”

“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”

“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”

“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”

body cast

Jack after his first attempt at skydiving.

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