idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “health”

12 Apr 2023
2 Comments

Here we Go!

barrel over falls

Here I go!

I’ve decided to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
I know what you’re thinking: that is a fantastic idea and not in any way reckless or ill-conceived.
You probably think the only thing to surpass my level-headed decision-making is my sense of adventure and almost unparalleled bravery.
You’d be correct–the level of your perception is stunning.
You are nothing like the naysayers in my sphere of influence, people who use harsh terms like reckless, ill-advised, wildly insane, dunderheaded, pea-brained, attention-seeking prat, dangerously maladjusted, and stupid.
Stupid is a very hurtful word.
These skeptics like to point out the majority of the individuals who have gone over the falls in a barrel have perished horribly.
Well, I’m not in the majority. If all those mental competency tests The New York State Board of Mental Health made me take are to be believed, I’m quite far from the majority.
In 1930 George Stathakis went over the falls in a barrel with his 150-year-old pet turtle.
If a geriatric turtle can survive going over the falls in a barrel, I think I can manage.
George died, but his death could have been barrel unrelated–everyone has to die sometime, right?
Anyway, my preparations to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel have begun.
By the end of summer, you will see my name plastered all over the news. (And not for indecent exposure this time.)
I will keep you updated on my progress.

turtle

I can do anything a turtle can…except stay submerged underwater for extended periods of time…I’ll be fine.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
19 Mar 2023
5 Comments

Testicles or Lack Thereof

surprised cat

His name was Bill, and I had just met him five minutes previously. It was my first day on the job, and I was helping him.

We worked silently for a few minutes before he turned to me and said with stunning nonchalance, “Yeah. I’ve only got one testicle.”

I tried not to gape stupidly. I failed.

I prefer to know someone for at least one full day before I work my testicles into a conversation. Bill was obviously of a different mind.

He looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say, “great, tell me more about your testicles, or lack thereof. I’m keen to hear.”

But I continued to gape stupidly, searching my mind for an appropriate response.

My mind failed me spectacularly; I replied by saying, “I have two of them?”

And yes, I said it as a question. I’m still trying to understand why I felt confused.

Perhaps I simply didn’t want to appear as though I was bragging. If I had confidently said, “I have two testicles–the proper amount,” that would have seemed grandiose.

He looked at me like I was an idiot.

 I felt like an idiot. 

There was that inevitable awkward silence that occurs when two men discuss their testicles for the first time.

Undeterred by my idiocy, he launched into the story, “I was out in my garage having a few beers when I thought to myself: this would be a good time to try out my new nail gun.”

The next several minutes were horrifying. I will spare you details because they involve a man piercing his testicle with a nail.

I did learn some things from Bill:

  • Shockingly, alcohol and power tools don’t mix.
  • Nail guns are designed to drive a nail through wood or plaster. The fact that a nail gun will readily penetrate a layer of denim and your scrotum just goes without saying.
  • A nail in your testicle really hurts.
  • A nail in your testicle will bleed a lot.
  • It’s challenging to drive yourself to the hospital with a nail in your testicle.
  • It’s difficult to walk with a nail in your testicle.
  • It’s even hard to breathe with a nail in your testicle.
  • Basically, it’s a struggle to do anything with a nail in your testicle except whimpering; whimpering is practically a requirement when you have a nail in your testicle.
  • Did I mention that it hurts?
  • There was never a more appropriate use of the phrase: unfortunate ricochet.

I can write one thing with relative certitude: it was not a good time for Bill to try out his new nail gun.

I spent the remainder of the day with one overriding thought: please don’t offer to show me a scar.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , ,
12 Mar 2023
2 Comments

This Blog Prevents Scurvy

Early symptoms include malaise and lethargy, and if you’re anything like me (my condolences if you are), malaise and lethargy are your baselines.

I would even venture to add bitter indifference to the malaise and lethargy.

As time persists, additional symptoms include weakness, fatigue, changes to your hair, sore extremities, gum disease, poor wound healing, easy bleeding, and an irrational fear of ladybugs.

Others will also begin to regard you as a sissy, primarily because of the ladybug thing.

Also, it’s not clear what changes to hair means. Do you lose your hair? Do start to grow hair in weird and unwanted places like under your toes or on your tongue. Either way, I don’t like it.

These symptoms can result in eating disorders, mental issues, substance abuse, and eventually homelessness.

People will refer to you as that crazy person with the hairy tongue who screams and runs away from ladybugs.

What is the scourge responsible for the aforementioned maladies? Exposure to any of the Real Housewives television shows—also, scurvy.

It’s debatable which of those two things is worse.

But there is a preventative measure that can be taken: reading this book.

That’s right! This blog prevents scurvy. It is, however, powerless against the Real Housewives. 

That’s ridiculous, you’re thinking; I’m not some 16th-century pirate; I’m not worried about things like scurvy, my rum supply, walking the plank, or the Kraken. 

Actually, you are a little worried about the Kraken, but you just drink rum until that goes away.

But can’t I just eat some orange slices, you’re thinking to yourself?

This blog is so much better than orange slices. You don’t have to peel it, it doesn’t make your fingers all sticky, and it doesn’t rot.

It does rot a little but not nearly as quickly as orange slices.

So go ahead and read this book and live free from the fear of scurvy.

But definitely watch out for the Kraken.

Addendum: it’s not debatable; the Real Housewives is worse.

They rot faster than this blog.
Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
03 Mar 2023
2 Comments

In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger

You found this on your what?

So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images

chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

home alone

Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.

As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:

feeling ill images

horton hears a who

chiggers on testicles

How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?

Would he have been as protective of them?

Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?

What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?

And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?

Just something to think about.

Think about testicles.

horton hears a who

I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.

 

 

Posted in funny, health, Humor, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
25 Jan 2023
2 Comments

Sister City Disappointment

Opera House

Sydney, Australia: a lovely sister city.

North East, Pennsylvania–The residents of the small village of North East, Pennsylvania received a dose of bad news upon discovering their sister city wasn’t what they believed it to be.
The village was ecstatic when it received a sister city request from Sydney, Australia. “We couldn’t believe our good fortune,” the mayor of North East said.
Upon traveling to Australia to accept the sister city request, officials from North East (the mayor and his life partner Bruce) discovered the request came not from the city of Sydney but from a guy named Sydney who lives in a shack at the bottom of a pit in the desert.
“The disappointment is bitter,” Bruce said of the development, “Sydney, Australia is a metropolis with renown architecture and a thriving art world; Sydney from Australia is a filthy foul-mouthed little man who lives in a pit and scratches his testicles far more than should be necessary.”
“I have genital chiggers,” Sydney explained, “they bite.”
The mayor and Bruce gave Sydney a case of the world-famous Welch’s grape jelly, produced right in North East from local concord grapes.
Sydney reciprocated with a half-full can of Foster’s beer that he poured back into the can from the dog bowl.
“Everything in Sydney’s shack is sticky,” the mayor commented, “absolutely everything.”
While Bruce has returned home from the disastrous trip, the mayor remains in Australia recovering from bites from a highly poisonous eastern brown snake and three types of poisonous spiders.
Sydney keeps poisonous spiders as pets; the snake was just bad luck.
“A kangaroo kicked me in the nuts,” Bruce said upon his return, “it was the best part of the trip.”

eastern brown snake

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
01 Sep 2022
2 Comments

You Found What on Your Penis Now?

The following search engine terms cropped up on my stats page:

why does mySo it seems there is someone out there with a problem. I have few points to make. (And yes, I’m going to ignore the “sexy man riding a unicorn images” addition to this list, it horrifies me.)

  • If I were suffering from this particular malady, and in a dire search for answers, a blog entitled idiotprufs is not blog that I would choose for answers.
  • I can write with a degree of certainty; this blog was absolutely no help at all to the person in question.
  • I know what you’re thinking: but isn’t laughter the best medicine? No it is not. There are several occasions when medicine is the best medicine: a gunshot wound to the head, a pick-ax in the eyeball, a papercut in that v-shaped space in-between your fingers (seriously, that hurts), and when you have weird and alarming protrusions on your dangle.

However, after a great deal of soul-searching (watching several episodes of The Rockford Files on Netflix) I came to a conclusion: why shouldn’t I be able to help?

After doing exhaustive research, (mostly googling weird penis problems) conferring with a myriad of professionals, (friends who I thought would get a good chuckle out of weird penis problems) and pondering all the possibilities, I decided that I could be of assistance.

The Question:

Why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it?

The Answer:

You have probably put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.

The Solution:

Stop doing that.

Life really is simple if you want it to be.

If should happen to try this search term, don't click on images. Just don't do it.

If you should happen to try this search term, don’t click on images. Just don’t do it.

Posted in fitness, funny, health, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
25 Aug 2022
6 Comments

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle, and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into, and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…Sure, somebody gets eaten occasionally, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals. Still, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
17 Aug 2022
2 Comments

Monkeys, Shakespeare, and Me

monkey

The authors of this blog?

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. It states the following:

If you’re having a child’s birthday party, don’t hire a clown, or a pony, or a big sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Get a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle; your children will have infinitely more fun.

I’m joking, that’s not really the Infinite Monkey Theorem. (But seriously, go with the monkey in the cowboy hat.)

Wikipedia describes the Infinite Monkey Theorem this way:

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact, the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times. However, the probability that monkeys filling the observable universe would type a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).

So, I acquired a couple of monkeys (don’t ask how, it involved unsavory behavior and a yak). I gave them a couple of typewriters and let them go nuts. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Infinite Monkey Theorem. Plus, monkeys are fun.

We got off to a rocky start: there was some feces hurling and some disturbingly lengthy (and quite frankly, hurtful) obscene gesturing, but eventually, they got to work.

While they didn’t reproduce any of the works of Shakespeare, they did type the phrase: Hamlet smells of cheese and Denmark multiple times.

Then something bizarre happened: the monkeys began to reproduce most of the contents of this blog and in shockingly less time than it took me to produce it. They even corrected some of my grammar errors.

And these weren’t the smart type of monkeys that do sign language; these were the type of monkeys eat their own poop, and smoke cigarettes, and one of them was really drunk at the time.

They rewrote several Curious George books, except every book ended with George violently attacking The Man with the Yellow Hat.

Then they started writing limericks about me that were really filthy.

After that they peed on the typewriters and mocked me with their superior verb tense usage.

It was all very disheartening.

I think I’m going to read Hamlet and pretend it was written by a drunken monkey.

Better yet, I’m going to read Curious George books and pretend they were written by a drunken Shakespeare.

Addendum: the monkeys rewrote this post too, and it was better than this crappy version.

hamlet

Don’t hire a guy dressed up like Hamlet for a child’s birthday party either–they smell like cheese and Denmark.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
13 Aug 2022
2 Comments

Sick and Tired

glaring look

“What’s wrong with you?”

I am sick and tired of people who think they are better than me.

People who think they are better than me just because they don’t eat crayons–there’s no law against eating crayons.

Do you know what all serial killers have in common: they don’t eat crayons. They occasionally eat people, but never crayons. Would you prefer I went around murdering people and eating them? I’ll bet you would, because you’re all judgmental that way.

I’m sick and tired of people who think they are better than me just because they’ve never slapped a mime in the face–there’s no law against slapping mimes in the face.

Okay, there is a law against slapping mimes in the face–but there shouldn’t be! When did this country become the type of fascist police state where you can’t slap a mime in the face?

I’m fed up with those of you who think you’re so superior just because you’ve never licked a toad then urinated on a police car. Police cars are inanimate objects: they don’t care if you urinate on them.

The police officer gets a little angry when you urinate on him.

It makes the toad furious.

And so what if I like to spend my evenings skulking in a dimly lit room, chugging bottles of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog 20/20, eating from a 64 pack of Crayola Crayons, with the B-52’s greatest hits blaring at full volume on the stereo as I fingerpaint pictures of giraffes and other even toed ungulates on the walls.

Sometimes I do it dressed up like a rodeo clown.

There’s nothing weird about any of that…except for listening to the B-52’s–I shouldn’t do that.

Think about this: if I didn’t do weird and unspeakable things this blog wouldn’t even exist.

I should probably stop.

mad dog 20/20

Perfectly paired with Crayola brand dandelion crayons.

Posted in funny, health, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
08 Aug 2022
4 Comments

The World’s Most Dangerous Animal?

I recently saw the following statement in a meme:

The Most Dangerous Animal in the World…

Is a Smiling Woman Sitting in Silence.

Wrong!

It’s this freaking thing:

scary fish

“Come in the water, it’s nice.”

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

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