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Archive for the category “health”

Fiat Panda driver discovers he’s very unlikely to breed — The Daily Squabble

QUIRKY little motor not exactly attracting mates. Gavin Rowlocks, a Fiat Panda owner, has been very disappointed by the level of female desire his vehicle arouses. “I thought women loved cute creatures,” complained Gavin. “How can they resist a car that resembles an endangered giant bear from behind – right down to its adorable ear-like […]

via Fiat Panda driver discovers he’s very unlikely to breed — The Daily Squabble

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Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts — The Bald Beagle

Calling each other “irrational” and “annoying,” potato farmer Tom Bruise and his wife Lucy quickly resolved all marital conflicts by not talking to each other. “It totally works,” said Bruise. “Ever since we resolved to shut our respective traps, I’ve been angrily washing the dishes while she texts her friends, and we get along just […]

via Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts — The Bald Beagle

We’ll Let You Know

hanging help wanted sign

The following is an actual conversation I had with a man who was dropping off his resume at a place where I used to work.

Man: Is there someone here that I can talk to about a job?

Me: The plant manager does the hiring, but he isn’t here today.

Man: So I can’t talk to anyone today?

Me: Sorry.

Man: (visibly upset) But I made sure not to smoke crack today.

Me: That’s very conscientious of you; I’ll add a note to your resume specifying that you made sure not to smoke crack today.

Man: (pointing an accusatory finger at me) You better not be lying to me.

Me: Trust me, writing that note will be a genuine pleasure.

Man: Just make sure you do it.

As a man of truth and integrity: I wrote that note and firmly attached it to the front of that man’s resume.

He wasn’t even considered for the position; does honesty count for nothing anymore?

rejection from job

Unfortunately, we’d already filled our quota of habitual drug users.

New Study Reveals Last Previous Study Totally Bogus — Gerbil News Network

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. It was, said Dr. Phillip Reiff as he relaxed after dinner last night, “the biggest ‘Eureka!’ moment” of his career. “We thought the science in this area was fairly well-established,” he tells this reporter as he finishes a glass of Malbec, then orders a double espresso and a slice of cheesecake from a waitress at […]

via New Study Reveals Last Previous Study Totally Bogus — Gerbil News Network

Donner Party Disappointment

donner party

They seem like a fun bunch.

Absolutely the worst party I’ve been to in my life.

It was in a horrible location: a difficult to navigate snow-covered mountain pass more suited for ox-drawn wagons than a proper a vehicle. Seriously, rent a hall.

The only music they had was some old guy with a fiddle who couldn’t play it properly because he’d lost several fingers to frostbite.

Everyone was just dour. There was a lot of wailing and weeping–it was a real mood killer.

They ran out of hor d’oeuvres almost immediately; the food was the biggest disappointment.

It was a terribly planned party–I left early.

Don’t get me wrong, I prefer it to a family get-together at my aunt’s house, but I’d rather be stripped naked, chained to the back of a jeep, and dragged through a field of broken glass, than go to a family get-together at my aunt’s house.

I just hope things picked up after I left.

Addendum:

The Donner Party is sometimes referred to by historians as the Donner-Reed Party.

But I’m certain Donner-Reed would throw a fantastic party.

donna reed

“I throw fantastic parties.”

Flashback: Top Ten Other Things the Mayans Got Wrong

My apologies to David Letterman.

My apologies to David Letterman.

I stumbled upon this post, one of the very first of this blog, from many years ago. Do you remember when the world was supposed to end?

In my previous post, I detailed my displeasure with the fact that the world didn’t come a cataclysmic end on December 21st. Not only did nothing cool happen, but even worse, I was forced to finish my Christmas shopping.

I’ve discovered after doing some exhaustive research (Google) there were a myriad of things the Mayans got wrong.

Top Ten Other Things The Mayans Got Wrong

10)  Caddyshack 2 will be just as funny as Caddyshack.

 9) A man named Isaac Newton will be resting under an apple tree when an apple will fall on his head. He will become so irate that he invents a machine that will be used to systematically destroy all apple trees, ridding the land of the scourge of falling apples.

 8) Queen Anne is so taken with Newton’s apple tree destroying prowess, she has him knighted. Although a great honor, he is hampered by the fact that he can now only move two spaces forward and one space over on a chess board.

 7) The common folk of 18th century England become so enraged that they can no longer obtain apples, they form a mob and throw Sir Isaac Newton over a cliff. On the way down he has a fleeting thought about something called gravity. Alas, it perishes with him.

 6) Without the foundation of Newtonian physics to expand upon, Albert Einstein never leaves his job as a patent clerk. He does however patent the Sham-wow and he becomes filthy rich.

 5) In the early 20th century a majestic ship called the Titanic is built, it traverses the seas for centuries. However, the movie Titanic, about a ship where nothing ever goes wrong, completely flops.

    Note: The Mayans also go on and on about Siskel but say nothing at all about Ebert. Two thumbs down Mayans.

 4) A man named J.R.R. Tolkien will write a few simple stories about some hobbits; nothing much will come of them.

 3) A mighty force called the Cleveland Browns will arise. They will win many championships called Super Bowls. At about the same time, there will be a record cold snap in Hell.

 2) The shoreline in a place called New Jersey, will become the epicenter for culture and wisdom in the western world. This will happen in the early 21st century and be a clear sign that the end is near.

 1) Those Spaniards seem like nice fellows; nothing bad could ever come of our relationship with them.

colt mccoy

Mighty warriors of the 21st century.

Erie Baseball Mascot C. Wolf Shot by Overzealous Hunter — gooferie

Erie SeaWolves mascot C. Wolf is resting comfortably tonight after being shot while making a promotional appearance in West Springfield. Mr. Wolf was posing for a photograph near a wooded area off Route 20 when a single shot, fired by hunter Hunter Danovitch, grazed his tail. Mr. Wolf immediately returned fire with his T-shirt gun, […]

via Erie Baseball Mascot C. Wolf Shot by Overzealous Hunter — gooferie

Sister City Disappointment

Opera House

Sydney, Australia: a lovely sister city.

North East, Pennsylvania–The residents of the small village North East, Pennsylvania received a dose of bad news upon discovering their sister city wasn’t what they believed it to be.

The village was ecstatic when it received a sister city request from Sydney, Australia. “We couldn’t believe our good fortune,” the mayor of North East said.

Upon traveling to Australia to accept the sister city request, officials from North East (the mayor and his life partner Bruce) discovered the request came not from the city of Sydney, but from a guy named Sydney who lives in a shack at the bottom of a pit in the desert.

“The disappointment is bitter,” Bruce said of the development, “Sydney, Australia is a metropolis with renown architecture and a thriving art world; Sydney from Australia is filthy foul-mouthed little man, who lives in a pit and scratches his testicles far more than should be necessary.”

“I have genital chiggers,” Sydney explained, “they bite.”

The mayor and Bruce gave Sydney a case of the world-famous Welch’s grape jelly, produced right in North East from local concord grapes.

Sydney reciprocated with a half-full can of Foster’s beer that he poured back into the can from the dog bowl.

“Everything in Sydney’s shack is sticky,” the mayor commented, “absolutely everything.”

Bruce has returned home from the disastrous trip; the mayor remains in Australia recovering from bites from a highly poisonous eastern brown snake and three types of poisonous spider. Sydney keeps poisonous spiders as pets; the snake was just bad luck.

“A kangaroo kicked me in the nuts,” Bruce said upon his return, “it was the best part of the trip.”eastern brown snake

Casino Worker Breaks Ankle; Is Euthanized — gooferie

Presque Isle Downs and Casino announced today that a blackjack dealer broke his leg during a game and had to be humanely euthanized. The dealer slipped on an errant ice cube and fractured his ankle, necessitating the on-call medical staff to erect a curtain behind which the employee was put down to end his suffering. […]

via Casino Worker Breaks Ankle; Is Euthanized — gooferie

Just A Little Glimpse.

What I saw.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

Just a little glimpse into my life.

I was out the other night, minding my own business, when I was approached by an attractive woman. She sat down next to me and introduced herself.

She talked about her life, her job, her children, but mostly she talked about the fact that her divorce had just been finalized and she was celebrating that fact.

She told me how eager she was to get on with her life.

She told me how long it had been since she had been out and had a good time.

She told me how much she was enjoying talking to me.

Then something happened: she asked me to guess her age.

“How old do you think I am?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” I told her, “you’re not very old.”

“Well, exactly how old do you think I am,” she urged me.

“I’m not very good at guessing age,” I said, hoping she would drop it.

“Just take a guess,” she urged more forcefully.

“I guess you’re about 34 years old.” I finally relented.

She stared at me blankly; I could sense that things were about to go horribly wrong. “Oh. Is that how old you think I look?” She said with a timbre of irritation in her voice.

“I don’t know…I guess so.” I fumbled.

“I’m only 29 years old,” she snapped.

“I told you I wasn’t good at…”

“Most people say that I look younger than I actually am.” She interrupted.

“Okay,” I said timidly.

“People say, that I look like I’m in my mid twenties,” she continued, now visibly angry. “What do you have to say to that?”

I want to make it clear, the next thing that came out of my mouth was not me trying to be a smartass. It was not me trying to be dismissive or insulting. It was simply the best thing that my brain could think of to say.

“Sometimes people lie,” I said.

She stormed away.

This story has no point; it’s just a little glimpse into me life. (And possibly why I’m still single.)

What she thought I saw.
(image source: wpclipart.com)

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