idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the category “health”

Running Man

sweaty runner

I just want to share a conversation I had with a exuberant runner.

Runner: Do you want to know what I think.

Me: I sincerely doubt it.

Runner: You should start running.

Me: I would need a good reason to start running.

Runner: The cardiovascular benefits.

Me: That’s not a good enough reason to start running.

Runner: What’s a good enough for you to start running?

Me: If I were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward me, I would run.

Runner: That’s ridiculous.

Me: No it’s not. If you were on safari in Africa and a pack of elephants stampeded toward you, you would definitely want to run.

Runner: I mean a good reason.

Me: Not being trampled to death by elephants is pretty good reason.

Runner: Don’t you want to have better stamina as you get older?

Me: Better stamina? I can climb at least two or three flights of stairs before the searing pain in my side renders me unconscious.

Runner: Is that how you want to live?

Me: Listen, I’m fine. I walk at least two miles every day–I get plenty of exercise.

Runner: But walking doesn’t give you the same high you get from running.

Me: I smoke crack while I walk, so getting a high isn’t really a problem.

Runner: Now you’re just trying to be stupid.

Me: I’m not trying–it’s really no effort at all.

Runner: Tell me what it would take to get you to run.

Me: Well, if I was in Tokyo and Godzilla attacked…hey, where are you going.

Evidently getting away from me is also a good reason to run.

elephants

You’d better run!

 

 

 

Tooth Fairy Jailed

in jailNorth East, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the town of North East, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like weirdo.

The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Smith family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.

The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”

The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less muscular than this guy, and definitely less tattooed,” one officer commented.

“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”

Investigation has uncovered that little Ronnie Smith had lost a tooth earlier that day when on a dare he tried to eat a brick. “Ronnie is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.

Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story, he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”

Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.

“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.

Little Ronnie’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.

tooth fairy

 

French Fries and Lab Rats

lab rat idiotprufs cancerI was recently informed that French fries cause cancer in lab rats. I found this to be quite distressing; I don’t know how many times I’ve sat around all night with all of my lab rat friends and devoured buckets of French fries.

I was informed of this by a snarky little man. Unfortunately before I could glean any further information, our conversation was cut short by an unavoidable accident involving the side of his head and a plastic fork.

Note: in an unrelated matter, I have always felt there should be occasions when it’s legal to stab a person in the side of the head with a plastic fork. Unfortunately the law is far less progressive in its thinking than I am. Let’s get on this, Congress.

I decided to check this out for myself.

It turns out the weird little man was right…a weird little bit. A substance called acrylamide, which is found in fried foods, has been used to induce cancer in lab rats. Here’s the twist: to ingest the same amount of acrylamide that was injected into these lab rats, you would have to eat 346 large orders of McDonald’s fries everyday.

If you eat 346 large orders of large McDonald’s fries everyday, the list of medical and mental health professionals you deal with will be lengthy. You’re likely to hit coroner before you get to oncologist.

It also seems that these lab rats are bred to be susceptible to cancer. Something as slight as a simple change of diet can induce cancer in lab rats.

Note: In a similar study, scientists have discovered that lab rats that are whomped over the head with a brick, are more susceptible to concussions than lab rats that aren’t whomped over the head with a brick.

It has also been discovered every time a potato farmer in Idaho named Earl utters the word crap-shack, lab rats in Sweden immediately develop cancerous growths. The day he fell off his tractor and broke his tailbone, every lab rat in Sweden ballooned to the size of a cantaloupe.

After doing an extensive amount of research–making things up– I’ve come up with a list of things that cause cancer in lab rats.

  • sugar
  • caffeine
  • salt
  • nicotine
  • alcohol
  • radon
  • plutonium
  • radium
  • yellow cake uranium
  • yellow cake with frosting
  • strawberry shortcake
  • Strawberry Shortcake the doll
  • Guys and Dolls the musical
  • Cats the musical
  • cats
  • dogs
  • pink flamingos
  • pink the color
  • Pink the singer
  • Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon
  • Floyd the barber
  • barber shop quartets
  • Justin Bieber’s smug little face
  • face paint
  • clowns
  • mimes
  • any subset of clowns
  • Jersey Shore reruns
  • Pauly Shore reruns
  • Pauly Shore movies
  • Bob Costas’ hair
  • the word okie-dokie
  • potato farmers named Earl
  • everything

So the next time you think about telling me that French fries cause cancer in lab rats–pending action from Congress–you might just get stabbed in the side of the head with a plastic fork.

Correction: Justin Bieber’s smug little face does not cause cancer in lab rats; it kills them outright.

idiotprufs

“Hey, you can’t pin cancer on me. High cholesterol: maybe. Obesity: yes. But not cancer.”

Achilles Frustrated by Hole in Health Coverage

health care

The Greek warrior Achilles has recently become vocal about his dissatisfaction with his health care coverage.

“Ridiculous waiting lists, exorbitant dinars out-of-pocket, and an inexplicable hole in my coverage,” were just some of the phrases used by Achilles to describe his frustration.

It seems the trouble started when Achilles discovered, what he had previously thought to be a comprehensive policy, wouldn’t cover a simple arrow wound to the heel.

“If I get gored by a minotaur it’s covered,” Achilles said in exasperation. “Trampled by a centaur: covered. Struck down by a lightning bolt from Zeus: covered. Transformed into a goat by Hera: covered. Eaten by the Kraken: fully covered. I mean, what’s the point in that. If you get eaten by the Kraken, it’s pretty much game over at that point!”

Achilles paused to regain his composure. “Turned to stone by Medusa: covered. Mauled by wild animals: covered. Ax wound to the face: no problem. Arrow wound to the eye socket: covered. Arrow wound to the chest: covered. Arrow wound to the left forearm: very specifically covered. Arrow wound to any part of my body except my heel, and it’s covered. Erectile dysfunction: I have no idea what that is, but if I get it, it’s covered.

When pressed about the hole in Achilles coverage, Charon, the director of Styx River Health Care had the following response: “Achilles will be singing a different tune when he’s attacked by a cyclops or bitten by Cerberus. They always come crawling back…provided they can still crawl.”

“Is this how Trojan War heroes are treated?” Achilles asked in disgust. “The Trojan horse gets better treatment than I do, and he’s made of wood. I mean, look at how infected this wound is getting; it’s really starting to look nasty. I really think this wound is going to be the end of me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Charon retorted. “I really don’t think Achilles’ heel will be his mortal weakness.”

health care

Recovering from a nasty bout of dry rot.

 

Let Me Explain

let me explain

This was an actual conversation I witnessed between a co-worker and a supervisor and the thoughts I had as I listened to the conversation.

It was our first week on a temporary job and my co-worker was keen to be hired in full time. So keen that he felt the need to explain in detail why he had called off the previous Friday.

Co-worker: I wanted to explain why I had to call off on Friday.

Supervisor: Okay.

Co-worker: I was in jail.

Me thinking: Oh no, don’t tell him that.

Co-worker: But it wasn’t my fault. My buddy got pulled over for running a stop sign and the cop took both our licenses. I just happened to have a warrant out for my arrest.

Me Thinking: You just happened to have a warrant out for your arrest?

Supervisor: You just happened to have a warrant out for your arrest?

Co-worker: It was from like, four years ago. I still owed money on a fine.

Me thinking: Don’t tell him why you were arrested.

Co-worker: It was for cocaine possession.

surprise

Co-worker: But I don’t use illegal drugs anymore…

Me thinking: The first non-damaging thing you’ve said.

Co-worker: …very often.

Me thinking: Of course.

Co-worker: In fact, out of all the times I’ve been in jail, that’s the first time I didn’t know somebody in there.

Me thinking: Seriously? Why would you tell him that?

Supervisor: It sounds like you had a rough weekend.

Co-worker: Yeah. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t get hammered on the weekend.

Me thinking: He couldn’t possibly make this worse.

Co-worker: At least I didn’t get (at this point he crudely described being raped by another man) by a big guy named Bubba.

Me thinking: I stand corrected.

Co-worker: And they took all the cash I had and put it toward what I owed on the fine. I’ve had to bum smokes off everyone today…I mean cigarettes–not weed.

Me thinking: Good catch, that’ll save the day.

Supervisor: Well, try to stay out of trouble next weekend.

A few minutes later on the job.

Co-worker: I think that went really well.

Me: Really? You think that went well?

Co-worker: People appreciate honesty?

Me: I certainly appreciated it.

Two months later.

The co-worker was brought on full-time–I was not.

A few weeks later.

The co-worker arrived at work drunk out of his mind, fell asleep on the job, and was fired.

The moral to this little story: people are stupid and they suck.

drunk person

“I’m ready for work.”

Smith’s Unveils New Product

gooferie

SMITHSSmith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.

UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.

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Have a Ball of Hair

snowball

Today is National Hairball Awareness Day!

Are you as excited about that as I am?

Today is the day we acknowledge our feline friends and their propensity to groom themselves to point hacking up a wet ball of fur on your good shoes (Your cat literally stepped over multiple pairs of old sneakers to deposit her gift on expensive leather.)

I’ve acknowledged hairballs. You are now aware of hairballs. Mission complete.

But today is also World Day for Safety and Health at Work.

You may think this is just a coincidence. You could not possibly be more mistaken.

Note: honestly, you could be more mistaken. If you to say the Earth is flat, or that Mars is populated with tiny little men who look like Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny cartoons, or that the moon is made of green cheese, or that Kayne West is really a wonderfully kind and affable guy who is just misunderstood, you would be more mistaken. Like that time I said mimes don’t suck.

Marvin the martian

“Martians don’t suffer from hairballs.”

Hairballs can have an enormous influence on health and safety at work.

Have you ever been near a coworker who suddenly began to hack up a hairball?

There are countless situations when it is dire to have this happen at work.

  • When operating a forklift.
  • When operating a chainsaw.
  • When juggling chainsaws. (This mostly applies to professional jugglers.)
  • When juggling knives. (Professional jugglers and Benihana chefs.)
  • When performing delicate surgery. (Sometimes you have to reattach the fingers of chainsaw jugglers.)
  • During the closing arguments of high profile murder case. (If Marcia Clark hadn’t hacked up that giant hairball on juror #5, O.J. Simpson would have never gotten off.)
  • When jousting for the honor of a fair maiden. (This one hasn’t really been applicable for a few centuries. But back in the day it was a serious matter.)
  • When landing a lunar module.
  • Space travel in general. (What do you think really happened to Apollo 13?)
  • If the coworker hacking up the hairball is standing a little too close to your lunch.

See what I mean?

And that is why today is also Workers Memorial Day.

Did you know that more than one hundred workers gave their lives in the completion of the Hoover Dam? Mostly from hairball incidents.

So take a moment today to stop and consider the countless lives that were lost in the building of the infrastructure of this great nation.

And think about hairballs.

apoollo 13 movie

That liar Tom Hanks and his film of propaganda.

It’s That Troublemaker Sidney Crosby’s Fault

sidney crosby

Pittsburgh Penguins’ captain and general troublemaker Sidney Crosby.

A Pittsburgh man stabbed in the head with a screwdriver during the Penguins’ playoff opener against the Columbus Blue Jackets on Wednesday night refused medical attention until the game was over, police said.

While the playoff beard–the tradition of not shaving until a team’s playoff run is over–is common among the players, certain fans in Western Pennsylvania employ the practice of not seeking medical attention for life threatening wounds until the Penguins have either been eliminated or won the Stanley Cup.

“It’s that troublemaker Sidney Crosby’s fault,” an official stated. “During the Mario Lemieux/Jaromir Jagr years there were a lot of casualities in the greater Pittsburgh area. Then the penguins sucked for a while and things calmed down. But since the Sidney Crosby era began things have gotten hairy again.”

Authorities said the victim, who was unidentified by police (but who they repeatedly referred to as Dumbass) was said to be the owner of the shop, was in the rear of the building when he became engaged in a verbal altercation with a 25-year-old male, whose name is also being withheld. (Dumbass with a screwdriver.)

The conflict escalated until the younger man struck the victim in the head with a screwdriver, the officers said.

“He was being a dick and I was holding a screwdriver,” the unidentified male said.

Police said the victim refused treatment for the laceration from paramedics on the scene, stating he would drive himself to UPMC Mercy hospital the second the playoffs were over.

The victim’s family have begun planning his funeral, as the Penguins are expected to make another deep playoff run this year.

People are just #%*&ing stupid a UPMC official stated.

screwdriver

Recently removed from Dumbass’s face.

I Am not Seasick!

dnager sign

I was recently reminded of an event from my past; an event that was buried deeply in the recesses of my mind.

Dredging things from the deep recesses of my mind is not an easy task. It’s dark and scary in there and it smells like rotting pinecones…and there are spiders.

The process requires permits to be obtained. There’s heavy machinery involved. Sometimes if it’s a particularly painful memory, explosives are necessary. (OSHA gets heavily involved.)

Anyway, the memory (recovered at great cost of life) was of an event that occurred during my senior class trip to Toronto, Canada.

On our way to Toronto we stopped at Niagara Falls to ride the Maid of the Mist.

If you’re not familiar with the Maid of the Mist, it’s a boat-ride that departs near the Rainbow Bridge, passes the American and Bridal Veil falls, and proceeds into the curve of the Horseshoe Falls. It’s fun…normally.

maid of the mist

It’s fun–normally.

We took the tram down to the area where you board the boats, which at the time was basically just a big cement slab. There was nothing down there, including restrooms.

We waited there. Then waited some more. Then we waited a little more.

It’s important to note: during the ninety minute bus ride from our little village of Westfield, NY to Niagara Falls, I had availed myself of the free cans of pop placed about the bus in coolers. I drank multiple cans of pop.

“I kind of have to pee,” I remarked innocently as we stood waiting.

We finally boarded one of the boats, donned our rain coats and departed for the falls.

I believe I can write without fear of contradiction: the base of Niagara Falls is without question, the worst place to be on the face of the Earth if you need to pee.

My state of kind of having to pee, rapidly escalated into having to pee worse than I ever had in my life.

If you’ve never been on the Maid of the Mist allow me to relate a brief description: as you head into the base of the Horseshoe Falls the water begins to seeth and writhe. The boat lurches up and down and you are constantly blasted in the face by dense mist.

And because the Horseshoe Falls are a curve, literally half of your horizon is a 180ft wall of water crashing down at a rate of over 75,000 gallons per second.

niagra falls

I was in agony–it felt like my bladder was filled with tiny wolverines trying to claw their way out.

I genuinely considered peeing off the side of the boat.

But it was not my desire to be forever known as the guy who got sent home two hours into the senior trip for peeing off the Maid of the Mist and causing an international incident.

I was not the favorite person of our class advisor. I may have been the least favorite person of our class advisor; she definitely could have done without my presence.

As I was bent over the railing in misery, classmates Matt and Cliff, who were privy to my predicament, taunted me mercilessly. They poked me and laughed and told others I was seasick.

I won’t divulge Matt’s surname; I think it’s for the Best.

And I won’t divulge Cliff’s surname; he’s fond of the color Brown.

(Was that too subtle?)

It was at this point another classmate approached and asked with genuine concern: you don’t look good, are you seasick?

I looked up at her and growled the words: I am not seasick!

(My apologies.)

We finally made it back to shore, but the only way back up the street was by the tram and there were a lot of people in line ahead of us. A lot!

It was then I did something I wasn’t proud of; I shoved my way to the front of the line.

I shoved my way past the elderly and small children.

I literally shoved my way past the elderly and small children.

After reaching the top of the hill, I ran (which is ridiculously hard to do when you really have to pee) and made it to the restroom with no time to spare. I peed for what felt like fifteen minutes–it was glorious.

I made it through the entire senior trip without causing a single international incident. Collectively as a group, we were all a little surprised.

homer pee

Homer and I have a lot in common–I am also a cartoon and quite jaundiced.

I Had an Odd Dream

dream sign

I had an odd dream.

I was back in high school and the entire school had been assembled in the auditorium for an important announcement. The principal took the stage and announced that it was his great honor to announce that a student from our school had been chosen to participate in the Olympics for the USA swim team.

Then he announced that I was that person.

Everyone applauded as praise and adulation was poured over me.

I told the principal how proud and honored I felt, although it seemed a little strange considering I wasn’t even on the high school swim team and I’m a terrible swimmer. In fact, what I do in the water could be more closely described as a labored attempt to avoid drowning than as actual swimming.

The principal assured me that it was I who had been chosen.

I told him that almost anybody would be a better choice than me. Literally almost anybody in the country would be a better choice than me. I would likely need to be rescued before I reached the other end of the pool.

He told me it was great honor for the community and my being on the Olympic swim team would generate a butt-load of money for the school, enough money to allow the school to install a swimming pool.

I questioned how it was we had swim team without a swimming pool.

He told me it wasn’t easy and I should just shut up about being a bad swimmer because the T-shirts with my face on them were already being printed.

As I made my way through the halls to my next class, fellow students stopped me to shake my hand congratulate me.

I thanked them but expressed to them how much they should temper their expectations because I was going to lose catastrophically.

Then the class president stopped me and gushed about how proud everyone was. I was starting to get annoyed because I suddenly realized I had to pee urgently and she just wouldn’t stop talking.

I sought out a restroom but they were all closed for maintenance.

out of order sign

Intolerable for an Olympic hero.

I searched the entire school until I found myself in the basement where I stumbled upon a small café.

It seemed odd to me: a small café being in the school basement.

The waitress congratulated me for making USA swim team and offered a free cup of coffee.

I thanked her but declined the coffee since I already had to pee quite badly and because my performance would likely be a national embarrassment.

But the café had a restroom.

Unfortunately there was some random middle-aged fat guy standing in front of the urinals and he wouldn’t let me pass.

I told him it seemed creepy: a middle-aged fat guy hanging out in front of the urinals in the restroom of small café in the basement of a school. There’s probably laws against it.

There were threats made. Threats concerning who may or may not urinate on whom–it got tense.

Sadly, (maybe thankfully) I will never know how it turned out because I woke up.

The point of all this?

This dream dredged a memory from the deep recesses of my mind. A memory that will be the subject of my next post.

Next Post: I’m Not Sea Sick!

Michael Phelps

Michael Phelps just pees in the pool when he has to go.

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