Jamestown, NY–A domestic dispute has erupted over the butchering of a goose. When local authorities arrived at a small farmhouse on the outskirts of the city, they discovered a bizarre scene involving a semi-conscious man covered in goose feathers and sauce and with a suspicious wound on his buttocks. The disheveled man said he had been preparing a nice cooked goose for his wife when she came home and viciously attacked him for no apparent reason. “It was a very bizarre scene,” one of the responding officers said. “We found the victim in a daze, covered in goose feathers and some kind of sauce that made all the feathers stick to him. He also had a wound on his buttocks that appears to have been made by a pitchfork.” “The sauce smelled sweet and zippy; I’m guessing some kind of Cumberland sauce,” another officer added. “It’s too bad; I bet it would have paired well with the goose…I mean, had his wife not used it to scald him.” “The goose laid golden eggs,” the wife exclaimed in exasperation. “And I don’t mean that metaphorically; it laid literal eggs of gold. Do you know how hard that is to find?” “But it wasn’t hard to find,” the victim later stated, “it just wandered onto the farm one day; easy peasy.” “The idiot knows what I mean,” his wife responded angrily. “I don’t see what the big deal is the victim replied, it is frightfully difficult to make a proper omelet with golden eggs; it’s nearly impossible.” “You could buy a thousand omelets with a golden egg, you imbecile.” The wife retorted. “Where’s the satisfaction in that?” The victim asked. “Yep,” the booking officer told us, “we had to pull her off him again; she went at him like a honey badger…in her defense, he was kind of an idiot.
As the new year arrives, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment, and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, spurring aspirations for self-improvement.
The New Year’s resolutions abound.
Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Joy Behar, punching people in the face who press you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.
Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Joy Behar, apologizing profusely after punching the person in the face who pressed you on what your New Year’s resolutions are.
Some people simply resolve to approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man; they feel they can make the world a brighter place.
To all of this, I have one response: Wake Up Fools! Your fellow man sucks.
You’re awesome; it’s everybody else that needs to change.
To that end, here is my 2025 list of resolutions for others:
Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “See you next year” to everyone you meet and chortle as if you’ve just invented it.
Don’t respond to the “See you next year” guy by sharpening a stick to a fine point and poking him in the eye with it as you say, “Now you won’t,” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being; don’t say lol out loud.
Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street as if you own it; I will run you over, you smug little bastard.
Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife has hobbit feet and she walks around barefoot entirely too much.
Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest with a road flare. As funny as it was, you’re a menace to the neighborhood.
If you’re a mime, don’t be.
Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation about your nephew Josh with the cashier. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation, you shouldn’t be smoking crack.
If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack.
If you are on probation and you are smoking crack, don’t do it in your car.
If you are on probation and you are smoking crack in your car, don’t do it while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to ensure everyone sees it.
Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge and then hand them a Natural Light.
Put all the baby pictures away; your first three children were ugly, and I’m sure this one will be, too.
Everything your child does is not precious unless, by precious, you mean annoying beyond the ability to be described with words.
It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing in juvenile court today.
Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list that you think may pertain to you; it absolutely does pertain to you. Learn from it.
Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron if you are a moron (you know who you are).
Addendum: I saw the picture of your baby; he looks like a potato.
