idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

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Millcreek Community Hospital to Open Bloodletting and Leeching Department

gooferie

MCHStoryPicMillcreek Community Hospital has announced the grand opening of their new Leeching and Bloodletting Department. This new wing will be located within the current facility on Peach Street.  Hospital spokesman Ross Sewitch says “We here at Millcreek Community realized the need to expand patient care in order to become more competitive with Erie’s two legitimate hospitals.”  Sewitch went on to say that the leeches will be locally sourced directly from Mill Creek which runs just outside the facility and that the bloodletting equipment will be sterilized “every so often.” When asked what conditions will be treated by the new department, Sewitch answered “Oh you name it; cholera, consumption, rickets, dropsy.”  Sewitch went to say that, “No other healthcare facility in this area has this kind of service.  Does Hamot have the right equipment to cure scurvy? Can St. Vincent’s stop bubonic plague in its tracks? I don’t think so.”

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Hiccup Gremlins and a Punch in the Face

man with hiccups idiotprufsExperts will tell you that hiccups are a myoclonus of the diaphragm, that results in an abrupt rush of air into the lungs. You get them when the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen, is irritated. They are most commonly the result of digestive disturbances.

Well that’s just crazy talk–everyone knows hiccups are caused by gremlins.

There are some who will tell you that gremlins don’t exist; people who think they’re so much smarter than you.

They think they’re smarter because they have years of medical training, or they’ve read books, or they’ve never been described as “bat crap crazy” by a certified mental health professional.

Some think they’re smarter because they’ve never been arrested for slapping a mime in the face, or for urinating on a police car.

But does that make them smarter than you?

It Probably does, but you still shouldn’t listen to them: can you really trust a person who’s never slapped a mime in the face?

But now you have hiccups–how do you get rid of them?

After doing an extensive amount of research I’ve unearthed several potential hiccup remedies.

  • Scaring someone: this will only result in a punch in the face.
  • Tickling: this will also lead to a punch in the face.
  • Punching someone in the face: while there are several perfectly sound reasons for punching someone in the face, curing hiccups is not one of them.
  • A spoonful of sugar: Mary Poppins is a liar–never take medical advice from a person who randomly breaks into song.
  • A spoonful of peanut butter: this will actually give you hiccups if you don’t have them. If you already have hiccups, and you eat a spoonful of peanut butter, your esophagus will explode.
  • Drinking a glass of water while standing on your head: this is something made up by your friends so they can take your picture and post it on Instagram.
  • Inhaling paprika: your friends are cruel liars.
  • Holding your breath: this will cause you to lose consciousness. You will wake up with a bump on your head, still burdened with the hiccups, and with a blurry view of your friends posting another picture on Instagram.
  • Putting your hand in warm water while your sleeping. (Sorry. This comes from an entirely different list. Your friends will definitely post the results of this on Instagram and a punch in the face will be forthcoming.)
  • Fifty small drinks of water without taking a breath: at sip 42–yes, at exactly sip 42–you will involuntarily take a breath and inhale the water, coughing and expelling the water from your nose.
  • Fifty small drinks of vodka without taking a breath: the same as above, but with the added aspect of vomiting.
  • Putting your fingers in your ears: you still have the hiccups, but at least you can’t hear your friends laughing.
  • Holding your tongue with your fingers: if you can’t trust Wikipedia, who can you trust?

This is the point: hiccups cannot be cured, they are caused by gremlins. You simply have to wait for the gremlins to tire, or get bored–it’s science.

 

Not this type of Gremlin.

This type of gremlin.

City Council Enacts Clown Ban — gooferie

Local clowns are crying on the inside today as Erie City Council has enacted a ban on clowns within city limits. Council decided to enact the law in a meeting today, after fielding numerous calls from citizens about the recent rash of clown sightings and associated “funny business.” Specifically, the ordinance bans fake lapel flowers, […]

via City Council Enacts Clown Ban — gooferie

Why Did You Tell Me That?

surprised cat

Exactly.

His name was Bill, and I had just met him five minutes ago. It was my first day on the job, and I was helping him. We worked in silence for a few minutes before he turned to me and said with stunning nonchalance, “Yeah. I’ve only got one testicle.”

I gaped stupidly.

I prefer to know a person at least one full day before I work my testicles into a conversation.

He looked at me expectantly, as if he was waiting for me to say, “great, tell me more about your testicles, or lack of them. I’m keen to hear.”

As I gaped stupidly, several possible responses flipped through my mind:

  • I guess were getting to know each other aren’t we?
  • Left one or right one?
  • Does it make you walk in circles?
  • Fantastic. Straight to the weirdest thing possible.
  • I think I’ll work on the other side of the room.
  • Oh. That’s why the guy called you One-balled Bill.
  • My whole life: that’s how long I could have gone without knowing that.

I said none of those things. I replied by saying the stupidest thing my brain could conjure: “I have two of them?”

And yes, I said it as a question. I’m still not certain why I felt confused.

Perhaps I just didn’t want to appear as though I was bragging. If I had confidently told him, “I have two testicles–the proper amount,” that would have seemed grandiose.

He looked at me like I was an idiot. I felt like an idiot. There was that inevitable awkward silence that occurs when two men discuss their testicles for the first time.

Undeterred by my idiocy, he launched into the story “I was out in my garage having a few beers when I thought to myself: this would be a good time to try out my new nail gun.”

The next several minutes were horrifying. I will spare you details because…well…ick.

I did learn some things from Bill:

  • Shockingly, alcohol and power tools don’t mix.
  • Nail guns are designed to drive a nail through wood or plaster. The fact that a nail gun will readily penetrate a layer of denim and your scrotum just goes without saying.
  • A nail in your testicle really hurts.
  • A nail in your testicle will bleed a lot.
  • It’s difficult to drive yourself to the hospital with a nail in your testicle.
  • It’s difficult to walk with a nail in your testicle.
  • It’s difficult to breathe with a nail in your testicle.
  • It’s difficult to do virtually anything with a nail in your testicle, the exception being whimpering; whimpering is practically a requirement when you have a  nail in your testicle.
  • Did I mention that it really hurts?
  • There was never a more appropriate use of the phrase: unfortunate ricochet.

I can write one thing with relative certitude: it was not a good time to try out his new nail gun.

I spent the remainder of the night with one overriding thought in my mind: please don’t offer to show me a scar.

Bill has only one.

 

Erie Zoo to Rent out Rhino for Birthday Parties

gooferie

partyrhinoFacing a budget shortfall, the Erie Zoo has announced that they will rent out their rhinoceros for special events such as birthday parties for children.

“It’s been very successful so far,” said a zoo spokesperson. “The children love the rhino and the danger is very minimal. We’ve only had a few minor gorings; nothing that required more than first aid.”

Parents who are interested in renting the rhino must provide insurance waivers for all children in attendance, as well as adequate water and 200 pounds of cabbage.

If you are interested in renting the rhino, call the Erie Zoo and ask for Mr. Lyon.

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Don’t Get Behind Me

Don't get in line behind me.image source: wpclipart.com

Don’t get in line behind me.

I am waiting line death.

It doesn’t matter if it’s at the supermarket, in a department store, at the theatre, in the post office, or at toll booths, whatever line I choose will come to a catastrophic halt.

If you get in a line to use the restroom and you’re standing behind me; it end with you soiling yourself.

I once got in a line at the Department of Motor Vehicles and it started moving backwards. It wasn’t long before I was standing in the parking lot, surrounded by ill-tempered drivers who began pelting me with their nearly expired licenses.

I was in a receiving line at a wedding and the couple divorced before I got to them.

If I get into a line at the supermarket, the person in front of me will spontaneously combust, bringing the line to an unnerving end, creating a horrible smoky mess and ruining all of my dairy products.

Or the cashier will get into a dispute with a customer over the validity of a fifty cent coupon for brownie mix. The customer will tell the cashier that she simply isn’t intelligent enough to understand the wording on the coupon. The cashier will tell the customer that she does in fact understand the wording on the coupon and that the customer shouldn’t be eating brownies anyway because she could stand to lose a few pounds. One of them uses the word bitchy. The other uses the phrase fat and bitchy. Things quickly escalate and they have to shut down the line to clean the blood off the cash register.

Or the cashier will get into a long protracted conversation about her uncle Ron. We’re all upset that he’s back in prison, but if you’re on probation you shouldn’t smoke pot in your car and drive over speed limit…or on the sidewalk.

sloth dmv

I always get the sloth.

I was once in line behind a guy who was putting his change on the conveyor as he was counting it out. As the conveyor moved, it dumped his change down the crack in between the conveyor and the counter. As his change clanked away so did his ability to pay for the item he was trying to purchase. As it turned out, that check-out counter was an impenetrable Fort Knox from which nothing could be retrieved. The cashier could do nothing. Her boss could do nothing. The store manager could do nothing. The store owner could do nothing. Evidently the change had entered some unearthly abyss and was gone forever.

As you can see: I’m like Typhoid Mary without the disease and death. Sometimes there’s disease, but there’s rarely ever death. Expect for that time I was in line at the funeral home, but that guy was dead before I got there…I think.

There were only two people in this line when got into it. And photography was still only in black and white.

There were only two people in this line when got into it. And photography was still black and white.

huffingtonpost

I tried to get into a line in Minnesota, but they were ready for me.

In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger

You found this on your what?

So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images

chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

home alone

Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.

As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:

feeling ill images

horton hears a who

chiggers on testicles

How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?

Would he have been as protective of them?

Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?

What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?

And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?

Just something to think about.

Think about testicles.

horton hears a who

I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.

 

 

Erie Air Traffic Controllers to be Replaced by Guy with Binoculars

gooferie

airporttedThe Erie Regional Airport Authority has reached a compromise with the FAA to keep air traffic control in local hands, after a plan was announced to take away all Erie-based air traffic controllers and move operations to Buffalo.

The authority has announced the hiring of “Ted”, who will be stationed on the tarmac and will visually track planes landing and departing.  Ted will be equipped with a pair of binoculars and a walkie-talkie. Addressing concerns that a pair of binoculars will not be sufficient to see the planes, Ted replied “I have also been issued a step-stool, which will assist in identifying planes at higher altitudes.”

When asked if passenger safety will be compromised, an official with the authority who chose to remain anonymous responded, “Oh, yes.”

The authority is still unsure of what the procedure will be when Ted is on vacation.

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The 4-Way Stop in Rural Pennsylvania–The Bermuda Triangle of Traffic

You think this place is mysterious and unexplainable?

You think this place is mysterious and unexplainable?

It was suggested in the previous post that the complexities of the 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania are comparable to Physics or high-level mathematics.

Outlandish you say?

As you approach it, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You can’t see it yet, but you know it’s out there, looming in the distance.

Then you see it.

That queasiness in your stomach tightens into a knot.

Your heart pounds.

Tendrils of fear burrow down your spine.

Your palms dampen and beads of sweat build on your forehead.

You’re sweating like a virgin on prom night.

You are bearing down on a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.

The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction. The laws of physics begin to fail. You become disoriented and a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasions the stupidity is permanent. The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.

Despite the evidence, there are a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

  1. Prepare your insurance information before you get to the intersection, keeping in mind the inevitable collision.
  2. Ease your way toward the intersection, displaying cautious trepidation.
  3. Make eye contact with the other motorists, looking for signs of fear and weakness.
  4. Identify the motorist displaying the most fear and weakness, he has the right of way.
  5. Wait for the motorist who has the right of way to go.
  6. Motion disgustedly when nobody goes.
  7. Spend several interminable moments as all the motorists gawk numbly at each other.
  8. Disgustedly pull into the intersection.
  9. Slam on the brakes after all of the motorists have pulled into the intersection.
  10. Slowly put your vehicle in reverse as you suspiciously eye the other motorists.
  11. Exclaim, “what the hell is wrong with these idiots,” when again, nobody goes.
  12. Decide you’ve had enough and floor it.
  13. Push the airbag away from your face as it deflates.
  14. Marvel at the 4 car collision you’ve just been a part of.
  15. Curse loudly…or at least as loudly as you can with a broken jaw.

The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

road_sign_rectangal_blank

Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.

Exactly

Exactly.

12 Reasons Lady Gaga’s Costume Designer Hates Her Job

In honor this year’s Super Bowl halftime entertainment.

One:

It’s ridiculously hard to hem a strip steak.

lady-gaga-costume-240a

Accessories include: matching belt, handbag, and A1 Steak Sauce.

Two:

You’re constantly being followed by packs of feral dogs.

The rest of you-she's this way.

“The rest of you, she’s this way.”

Three:

The fact that half of her wardrobe needs refrigeration.

More perishable clothing from that trouble maker Ellen.

More perishable clothing from that trouble maker Ellen.

Four:

That queasy feeling you get in your stomach when you go to a barbeque at Lady Gaga’s house, and she serves steaks and salad.

Five:

Having to deal with Britney Spears’ uppity costume designer, every time you ask to borrow her snake.

Just an All-American girl and her freakishly huge snake.

Just an All-American girl and her freakishly huge snake.

Six:

That confusingly contradictory tattoo she has on her butt, of Winnie The Pooh with his head caught in a honey pot.

I'm so adorable that it's confusingly contradictory.

“I’m so adorable that it’s confusingly contradictory.”

Seven:

They way she gets yellow powder over everything after she wolfs down a bag of Cheetos.

Nothing wrecks the mood of dead-carcass costume, more than Cheetos dust.

Nothing wrecks the mood of a dead-carcass costume, more than Cheetos dust.

Eight:

When anti-fur protesters throw blood on Lady Gaga, and it makes her costume better.

Nine:

That unnerving feeling you get, that this one is going to send you straight to Hell.

This one's gonna cost you.

This one’s gonna cost you.

Ten:

Your warm childhood memories of Sesame Street and Kermit The Frog have been destroyed forever.

Hi-Ho, I'm Kermit The Frog-help me please!

“Hi-Ho, I’m Kermit The Frog–HELP ME PLEASE!”

Eleven:

When people ask you the innocuous question: “What did you do at work today?” And you pause momentarily, then sob uncontrollably.

Twelve:

The weight of the horrible knowledge that you helped turn this girl:

Doesn't she look sweet/

Doesn’t she look sweet?

Into this girl:

gaga

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