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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the category “Uncategorized”

EPD Looking For Dork

gooferie

The Erie Police Department is asking for the public’s help in finding the dork pictured
above in connection with a retail theft from WalMart.

The above pictured dork is easily identifiable by the “Moe” bowl haircut and goofy grin.
Erie Police are currently checking with all known lousy hair stylists in the area,
to see if this dorkus malorkus had been in the
barber chair within the last few weeks.

EPD advises that if you encounter the above dork, call
the Corry Barracks. Troopers caution not to engage the dork, as there
may be a chance his dorkiness could rub off on the general public.

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Erie Times-News Shrinks Yet Again

gooferie

ErieValNewsGateHouse Media, the out-of-town owners of the Erie Times-News, has announced its acquisition of the Valpak Company. The two Erie businesses will merge into a single product called the Erie Val-News.

Effective May 1, readers will receive their newspaper in those familiar blue envelopes mailed directly to homes in the tri-state area. Individual coupons, mixed in with traditional Valpak deals, will contain national and local news articles, the sports section, and one coupon for comics – with the exception of “Rex Morgan, M.D.”, which will have its own individual coupon because, well, obviously …

The media conglomerate’s statement, released yesterday, reads in full:

“Gatehouse is committed to continuing its proud tradition of acquiring, then sucking the life-blood out of once-vital local newspapers. Now, in addition to state-of-the-art articles by our veteran team of two interns and Pat Howard, the Erie Val-News will offer fantastic savings on pizza and tree stump…

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Don’t Say it to Your Boss


office space

 

Monster.com has compiled a list of things not to say to your boss. Let’s take a look at their list:

  1. I need a raise.
  2. That just isn’t possible.
  3. I can’t stand working with__.
  4. I partied too hard last night–I’m so hung over.
  5. But I emailed you about that last week.
  6. It’s not my fault.
  7. I don’t know.
  8. But we’ve always done it this way.
  9. Let me set you up with__.

I know–this list is ridiculous and useless.

I’ve made some subtle changes to the entries. Here’s what you really can’t say:

  1. I need a raise; I can barely steal enough from the office to keep up with the rising cost of cocaine and hookers.
  2. That just isn’t possible. I need to take two hours for lunch; it difficult to get properly drunk in one hour.
  3. I can’t stand working with these voices in my head; they keep telling me to kill again.
  4. I Partied too hard last night–I was almost too drunk to have sex with your wife.
  5. But I emailed you about that last week; I directly indicated to you that a reactor core meltdown was imminent, it’s not my fault if you don’t check your email.
  6. It’s not my fault; how was I supposed to know bringing my pet chimpanzees to work would be frowned upon…I’m sure that feces will wash out of your hair.
  7. I don’t know. I would be better at my job if your woefully inadequate leadership skills didn’t fail to inspire me on a daily basis.
  8. But we’ve always done it this way…you galactically incompetent prick.
  9. Let me set you up with my cousin; she’s one of those genuinely well-mannered Neo-Nazi skinheads.

Do see how much more helpful this list is?

Jack Dee

How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network

I am the proud father of two sons, now in their twenties, who–like most such humans–passed successfully through what are known as the “teenaged” years. During the same period I was the owner of two male cats. As I saw it, my job in the case of the former was to raise them into upstanding […]

via How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network

The Mysterious Case of the Vanishing Big Mac

mystery

The trip was brief.

The controversy has endured.

Four Big Macs were purchased. Four Big Macs were present in the take-out bag. Four Big Macs were removed from the take-out bag. One person claims to have never gotten a Big Mac. Three others claim to have eaten only one Big Mac apiece.

Accusations have flown. Accusations still fly.

That fateful night:

The names have been changed to…screw it, these are the actual names.

Lance: Give me my Big Mac.

Matt: You ate it.

Lance: No I didn’t.

Matt: Yes you did.

Lance: I think I would remember eating a Big Mac.

Matt: Evidently you don’t.

Lance: Hey Al, you ate my Big Mac didn’t you?

Al: (Al grunts something inaudibly as he consumes his Big Mac, and drools on himself.)

Me: Well I didn’t eat it.

Lance: One of you ate my Big Mac!

An hour later, sitting on Matt’s front porch.

Lance: I can’t believe you guys ate my Big Mac.

Matt: You ate the Big Mac!

Lance: Look at me, I have no sesame seeds on me. If had eaten a Big Mac, I would have sesame seeds all over me.

Me: Maybe the seeds fell off.

Lance: What about the lettuce? What about the secret sauce? There’s not a drop of secret sauce on my face…I can’t believe you guys ate my Big Mac.

Years later:

Lance: Remember that night you guys ate my Big Mac.

Matt: YOU ate the Big Mac!

Still more years later:

Lance: I really wanted that Big Mac that you guys ate that night.

Matt: (Says nothing in an act of silent frustration.)

More recently:

Lance: One of you ate my Big Mac that night.

Matt via email: There’s no dispute, Lance wolfed it down in two bites.

Lance: That’s not how it went down.

Like Amelia Earhart’s strange disappearance into the Bermuda Triangle; the years have offered no answers, only more questions.

So if you’re ever traveling on that mysterious stretch of road, and you have take-out, be wary.

!#@$%# Raccoons

raccoon

“Excellent!”

The following happened while I was employed as a quality control inspector at a steel coating plant outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

It was about 6:15 AM as I crossed the plant floor toward the offices. The lights weren’t turned on yet, and though the sun was rising outside, the interior of the building was still a dark tangle of shadows.

In the distance I could see a short stumpy figure climbing the ladder to where the cranes and catwalks are.

I wondered why Jim, the crane operator, would be climbing into the crane so early, and thought it peculiar that he was doing it in the dark. As I looked more closely, I realized that it wasn’t Jim at all; it was the biggest raccoon I had ever seen. (Yes, I mistook a huge raccoon for Jim, if you had ever met Jim, you would understand.) The raccoon then disappeared into the darkness of the rafters and catwalks.

“I’ve seen that raccoon,” Ken, one of the private inspectors, told me. “It comes up from the Ohio River at daybreak and just disappears into the building somewhere.”

Suddenly Rick the foreman, who was sitting at his desk, jumped up, twirled around, and yelled at us, “they ain’t clean.”

“What?” Ken said slightly startled.

“People think that raccoons are clean, but they ain’t clean. People think that raccoons are clean because they wash their food. They wash their food because they ain’t got no saliva; they don’t wash their food because they’re clean.” He stood glaring at us in silence for a moment before punctuating his tirade: “They ain’t clean!”

“Well..” was all that Ken got out.

“And they ain’t smart. People think they’re smart because they’ve got little people hands, but they ain’t smart. They ain’t clean and they ain’t smart.” He then stormed from the office as if he had been horribly offended.

Ken and I stood in a state of bewildered silence. Although neither of us said anything, we knew what each other was thinking: what the hell?

After a few moments, Ken broke the silence,”Wow, Rick really !#@$%# hates raccoons.”

We speculated about what frightful trauma must have occurred to instill such a level of hatred for a furry animal. Maybe as a small child he was attacked by a racoon. Maybe as a teen, a pack of racoon toughs bullied and taunted him. Maybe they knocked the books from his hands as he awkwardly made his way through the school hallway. (Rick had the physical presence of Ichabod Crane, without the grace.)

This is what I think happened: it was prom night, the night Rick had dreamed of since he was a little boy. He had his tuxedo. He had the corsage that he would tenderly pin to her gown. It was his night to shine.

She was a little late, but that’s fashionable right? He paced impatiently as the minutes stretched into hours. Periodically he’d stop to check his watch as he would mumble under his breath, “she’ll be here any minute now.”

“Don’t ask a raccoon to the prom,” his friends had advised. “They’d rather scavenge through garbage cans than slow dance to Bryan Adams songs.”

But Rick was infatuated.

The night came and went without a word from her. Rick’s never gotten past the heartbreak and devastation. Now he has an irrational hatred of all raccoons.

The source of Rick’s heartbreak.

Casino Worker Breaks Ankle; Is Euthanized — gooferie

Presque Isle Downs and Casino announced today that a blackjack dealer broke his leg during a game and had to be humanely euthanized. The dealer slipped on an errant ice cube and fractured his ankle, necessitating the on-call medical staff to erect a curtain behind which the employee was put down to end his suffering. […]

via Casino Worker Breaks Ankle; Is Euthanized — gooferie

Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie

Upon hearing that Erie’s single-item Spring Cleanup program will begin soon, eastside resident Jody Porter immediately dragged nearly a dozen pieces of broken down furniture and electronic appliances to the curb in front of his house, where it will sit for the next month at least. Neighbors tried to remind him that the rules allow only one large […]

via Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie

H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf — gooferie

The White House announced today that President Trump has chosen a replacement for outgoing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. In less than a month McMaster will be stepping down from his post. The Trump administration’s third National Security Adviser will be live action dragon H. R. Pufnstuf. A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, […]

via H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf — gooferie

3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed […]

via 3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

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