Testicles or Lack Thereof
His name was Bill, and I had just met him five minutes previously. It was my first day on the job, and I was helping him.
We worked silently for a few minutes before he turned to me and said with stunning nonchalance, “Yeah. I’ve only got one testicle.”
I tried not to gape stupidly. I failed.
I prefer to know someone for at least one full day before I work my testicles into a conversation. Bill was obviously of a different mind.
He looked at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to say, “great, tell me more about your testicles, or lack thereof. I’m keen to hear.”
But I continued to gape stupidly, searching my mind for an appropriate response.
My mind failed me spectacularly; I replied by saying, “I have two of them?”
And yes, I said it as a question. I’m still trying to understand why I felt confused.
Perhaps I simply didn’t want to appear as though I was bragging. If I had confidently said, “I have two testicles–the proper amount,” that would have seemed grandiose.
He looked at me like I was an idiot.
I felt like an idiot.
There was that inevitable awkward silence that occurs when two men discuss their testicles for the first time.
Undeterred by my idiocy, he launched into the story, “I was out in my garage having a few beers when I thought to myself: this would be a good time to try out my new nail gun.”
The next several minutes were horrifying. I will spare you details because they involve a man piercing his testicle with a nail.
I did learn some things from Bill:
- Shockingly, alcohol and power tools don’t mix.
- Nail guns are designed to drive a nail through wood or plaster. The fact that a nail gun will readily penetrate a layer of denim and your scrotum just goes without saying.
- A nail in your testicle really hurts.
- A nail in your testicle will bleed a lot.
- It’s challenging to drive yourself to the hospital with a nail in your testicle.
- It’s difficult to walk with a nail in your testicle.
- It’s even hard to breathe with a nail in your testicle.
- Basically, it’s a struggle to do anything with a nail in your testicle except whimpering; whimpering is practically a requirement when you have a nail in your testicle.
- Did I mention that it hurts?
- There was never a more appropriate use of the phrase: unfortunate ricochet.
I can write one thing with relative certitude: it was not a good time for Bill to try out his new nail gun.
I spent the remainder of the day with one overriding thought: please don’t offer to show me a scar.