idiotprufs

what the hell else are you gonna do with your time?

Another Post From Gooferie

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier. As […]

via Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please” — gooferie

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To Be or Not to Be–Bitten by a Horse

horse bite sign

Something occurred to me the other day: I’ve never been bitten by a horse.

Although I had never contemplated the ramifications of being bitten by a horse, or the ramifications of not being bitten by a horse, my life suddenly seemed vacant and purposeless.

Is it possible I’m missing out on something due to my lack of an equine chomping experience?

I sought out information from a blog post about raising horses and it seemed to indicate that you really don’t want to be bitten by a horse.

Note: If you ever need information or entertainment of any type, always go to a blog first; blogs are written by highly intelligent individuals with perpetually minty fresh breath.

I found the following phrase:

But, what starts as cute and innocent nibbling on a sleeve can evolve quickly into ripped clothing, crunched fingers, bruises and teeth marks. So if you have a young horse, don’t allow it to explore you with its mouth.

Interesting advice.

Note: I was considering making a joke here about a girl I once dated, but I just recently got the last lawsuit cleared up.

I may be overthinking this entire horse biting thing, and overthinking things is not an activity to which I am prone.

I was bitten by a dog once and I have to admit: it wasn’t as enjoyable as you might think. I would even go as far as saying it was unpleasant.

I was almost bitten by a goat once. The goat didn’t actually come near me, but he a look of no-good in his eyes. It was unsettling.

I’m beginning to think I should put off any attempt to be bitten by a horse.

If through the course of a normal day’s activities I should happen to be bitten by horse, then fine, but for now, I won’t go looking for it.

I will keep you updated.

Mr. Ed horse

Mr. Ed: his comments are biting.

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Mercury Vapor

cfl lightbulb cleanup hindenburg

It’s just a light bulb…right?

I broke a light bulb the other day.

It’s not a big deal, right? You just grab a broom and sweep it up.

But this was a compact flourescent light bulb, so I went to epa.gov for instructions regarding proper disposal.

This is what I found:

STEP ONE

  • Abandon your home like it is Chernobyl.
  • Run screaming into the night.
  • Never look back.

STEP TWO

If step one is not feasible, acquire the following items for cleanup.

  • A stiff piece of cardboard (that you will later burn).
  • Sticky tape (that you will later burn).
  • A broom (that you will later hack to bits with a machete and burn).
  • A machete.
  • A glass jar with a metal lid.
  • A metal jar with a glass lid.
  • Five metric tons of concrete.
  • 15 silver-plated shovels.
  • A Sham-wow. (You won’t be using the Sham-wow for cleanup, they’re just really handy to have around.)
  • A helper monkey named Jeff, who is immune to gamma rays.
  • Gamma rays.
  • A number of friends who are willing to help you, regardless of the fact their hair will fall out and boils will cover their bodies.
  • Rogaine and boil medication.
  • A ham and cheese sandwich. (This is going to take some time; you will get hungry.)

STEP THREE

After step two fails:

  • Burn your house to the ground.
  • Attend the funerals of the friends who didn’t make it.
  • Give moving eulogies.
  • Make new friends (seriously, your current group of friends are just hideous looking) you’ve still got work to do.

STEP FOUR

Disposing of the ashes of your home:

  • Collect the ashes of your home and bury them in a thirty foot hole.
  • Dig them up and burn them again.
  • Bury them in fifty foot hole.
  • Cover the hole with concrete.
  • Surround the concrete with an electrified fence.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Bigfoot.
  • Remove the sign after the site becomes a gathering place for people who believe they’ve found irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Yeti.
  • Learn from your mistakes.
  • Dig a moat.
  • Fill the moat with acid.
  • Move on with your life.

STEP FIVE

Moving on with your life:

  • Purchase a new house.
  • Move in and make it a home.
  • Drop another compact flouresant light bulb.
  • Scream in anguish.

STEP SIX

  • Abandon Earth.
  • Colonize Mars.
  • Don’t take any compact flourescent light bulbs.

Note: This is from the “quick instructions” portion of the website. The “detailed instructions” portion was just ridiculous.

muppet running

“Run Away!”

Farting Man Forces Emergency Landing

A pilot of a Dubai to Amsterdam flight was forced to make an emergency landing after a fight broke-out when a passenger refused to stop farting in the packed flight.

Chaos erupted when two Dutchman who were sitting next to the flatulent man told him to stop and complained to Transavia Airlines crew.

Yet despite repeated requests and even a direct request from the pilot the man continued to fart and a fight broke-out.

The pilot of the Dutch low-cost airline (it’s so low cost the pilot frequently doubles as a fart monitor) then decided to make an emergency landing at Vienna International Airport in Austria.

“It’s so stupid,” remarked one passenger, “the man can’t stop farting so we land in the city that invented the Vienna sausages.”

The two Dutchman, the flatulent man and two sisters sitting in the same row as the men were also escorted off the plane – but the sisters told local media they hadn’t done anything wrong.

Olsen twins

“We’re innocent!”

“It was crazy that we were included, we had no idea who these boys were, we just had the bad luck to be in the same row and we didn’t do anything,” one the sisters stated.

A Transavia spokesman insisted that the ladies were also guilty of misbehavior and verbal abuse… he then snapped that New York Minute was an hour and a half of his life that he’ll never get back.

Mary Kate and Ashley

An hour and a half!

The spokesman went on to say the parties involved have been banned from Transavia flights and in the future they will probably stop serving five bean casserole as the inflight meal.

“I could have stopped farting any time I wanted to,” the man said with a chuckle, “but I could see from their shirts that those two Dutch guys worked for Ikea and it was time for revenge–I’ll give you something to insert into slot B.”

beans

Also banned from Transavia Airlines.

The Top Ten Reasons People Unfollow This Blog

unfollow button

Number 10

The medication has finally begun to work.

Number 9

The mimes are beginning to win their battle against me.

Number 8

The overwhelming shame and the constant hassle of having to delete their browser history has become too much.

Number 7

This blog causes cancer in lab rats. (It kills wombats outright.)

Number 6

This blog was hacked by the North Korean government following an unfortunate comment concerning Kim Jong Un’s potato-faced head. (He has a potato-faced head.)

kim jong Un

Mrs. Potato Head is sold separately.

Number 5

Internet privileges have been revoked in the violent offenders wing of Attica.

Number 4

An unexpected backlash after the post entitled: Charles Manson: not such a bad guy.

Number 3

After the alcohol induced haze passes, people realize this blog is crap.

Number 2

After my ugly break with the Church of Scientology, Tom Cruise’s army of thugs have been relentless in their opposition of this blog.

Number 1

The sudden and jarring realization people have as they read this blog: I’m worth more than this.

mr. potato head

The mustache looks good on you, Kim Jong.

Farewell Sweet Dandelion

dandelionsDid you know the Crayola company is retiring Dandelion from its 24 pack to make room for a new color?

I know!

Dandelion was the best tasting color in the 24 pack.

I mean, Carnation Pink is pretty good and Indigo is alright (although it’s a bit nutty for my taste) but they certainly don’t have the robust flavor of Dandelion.

Brown and Green are just disgusting and I don’t even know what Cerulean is.

Only weirdos eat Gray and I am no weirdo.

Violet-Red is edible, it’s definitely tastier than Red-Orange. But then you walk around all day with Violet-Red lips and you look like a tramp and I am no tramp.

I guess I’ll be forced to eat plain Yellow or maybe White–what a sad day.

goodbye

Farewell sweet Dandelion.

Final Note: I wonder what color they will replace Dandelion with. I hope it’s not some shade of Purple; I hate Purple–Purple is so smug.

Troubling News–I’ve No Sense of Humor

shocked smileyI was recently told I have no sense of humor.

I am horribly troubled by this–I have put a great deal of time and energy into my efforts to conceal the fact that I have no sense of humor.

Granted, the person who told me this is a mangy little man who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud.

I don’t know his name, I just refer to him as that mangy little man who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud. Or for the sake of brevity: the ugly little prick.

He is an angry little man. I think his anger stems from having tiny and misshapen testicles. I have no firsthand knowledge of the condition of his testicles, it’s just a feeling I get.

He is also stupid.

And not just a normal level of stupid–he is profoundly stupid.

He is a profoundly stupid ugly little prick of a man with tiny and misshapen testicles who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud…and he’s mangy.

He might be called Bill.

Anyway, I’ve been told by many people that this blog is at least mildly amusing and some of those people aren’t imaginary.

And if the ability to generate death threats is an indicator of humor (and I believe it is) this blog is hysterical.

If Bill sees this I’ll probably get another death threat.

I’m just joking–it’s highly doubtful he can read.laughing face

 

 

One Mystery Solved

stonehenge

Was Stonehenge used by ancient astronomers to track the movements of the sun and the moon? Was Stonehenge a calendar used to mark the changing of the seasons? Was it used specifically as a tribal burial ground? Was it built for religious purposes? Was it left behind by aliens?

Don’t be ridiculous–the druids got it from Ikea and they just couldn’t figure out how to put it together.

The druids were notorious for their inability to follow instructions. Why do you think they followed the flight of birds; they were absolute garbage at maps.

Fred and Myrtle Glengoogly were following a friends instructions to a solstice celebration, they took a wrong turn and wound up in Holland.

Stonehenge looked fantastic in the showroom.

“How hard could it be to put together?” Fred asked Myrtle.

“How hard was it to follow a map to the solstice celebration?” Myrtle retorted.

“We took one wrong turn,” Fred responded.

“Yes we did. We took one wrong turn across the English Channel…you never want to follow the flight of birds.”

“I don’t need to follow a bunch of stupid birds,” Fred said angrily. “Besides, do you want to live in an earthen hovel your entire life? It’s damp and there’s spiders.”

“You’ll never get that thing together,” Myrtle told him.

Fred got it anyway.

Fred and Myrtle were soon separated following several bitter arguments revolving around the 437 different types of screws that came with Stonehenge and one particularly unfortunate remark about the placement of a stud mount.

Myrtle and the earthen hovel are long gone, but Stonehenge remains as a reminder to us all not to buy crap from Ikea.

ikea

How hard could this be?

flintstone house

How Stonehenge was supposed to look.

 

You Put What in Your Mouth Now?

That is just horrifying.

What the…?

In a previous post, I mentioned that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England, set a world record by eating 36 cockroaches in less than a minute.

You think that’s revolting? Sean Murphy of Lansing, Michigan, set a world record by holding 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth at one time.

This is just one Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I don’t even want to be in the same room with one of these.

Just a few weird world records that caught my eye:

Kim Goodman of the U.S. set a world record by popping her eyes out 12 mm, in a competition in Turkey.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villian: Bug-eyed.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villain: Bug-eyed.

Ilker Yilmaz of Istanbul, Turkey, set a world record by squirting milk from his eye, a distance of 9 feet and 2 inches.

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey, has the worlds longest nose, measuring 8.8cm from bridge to tip.

what is going on with the weirdness in Turkey.

You think your eyes are big? Take a look at this.

You think your eyes are big, Kim? Take a look at this thing.

In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, set a world record by blowing spaghetti out of his nose a distance of 19cm.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well...they were sobbing anyway.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well…they were sobbing anyway.

169 is the record for the most people to get inside one pair of underwear.

I know what you were thinking: this is just a cheap set-up for an off-color joke about some celebrity–shame on you.

Don't you want to be a Pepper too?

Don’t you want to be a Pepper too?

The world’s horniest animal.

Shame on you again.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. Also holds the record for most damage done in a china shop.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. He also holds the record for the most damage done in a china shop.

And finally: the title of the author of the world’s most irritatingly pointless blog goes to…

drooling smiley

Yeah–that’s me.

What the Hell Else are You Gonna do with Your Time?

changeThere’s been a change. It’s not a big change, like that time I shaved all the hair from my body and had William Shatner’s face tattooed on my left butt cheek, but it is a change nonetheless.

There’s a new tagline to this blog: idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

You may be thinking there are a ton of things you could do with your time that are more fruitful than reading this blog; things that improve your life, or improve the life of others, or even make you a more productive human being.

But you’re not doing any of those things are you? You’re reading this blog.

Loser.

Do you think I would waste any time reading this blog? I barely put any thought or effort into writing it.

I considered going with: idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians, as my tagline, but the reality is: the Russians influence everything I do.

Every time I watch Rocky 4 and Rocky beats Drago, I weep like a little baby.

Maybe I’ll get Dolph Lundgren’s face tattooed to my right butt cheek.

Do svidaniya comrades.

rocky 4

I’m getting all misty eyed right now.

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