idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

21 Oct 2026

Cooked Goose Results in Attack

Jamestown, NY–A domestic dispute has erupted over the butchering of a goose.
When local authorities arrived at a small farmhouse on the outskirts of the city, they discovered a bizarre scene involving a semi-conscious man covered in goose feathers and sauce and with a suspicious wound on his buttocks.
The disheveled man said he had been preparing a nice cooked goose for his wife when she came home and viciously attacked him for no apparent reason.
“It was a very bizarre scene,” one of the responding officers said. “We found the victim in a daze, covered in goose feathers and some kind of sauce that made all the feathers stick to him. He also had a wound on his buttocks that appears to have been made by a pitchfork.”
“The sauce smelled sweet and zippy; I’m guessing some kind of Cumberland sauce,” another officer added. “It’s too bad; I bet it would have paired well with the goose…I mean, had his wife not used it to scald him.”
“The goose laid golden eggs,” the wife exclaimed in exasperation. “And I don’t mean that metaphorically; it laid literal eggs of gold. Do you know how hard that is to find?”
“But it wasn’t hard to find,” the victim later stated, “it just wandered onto the farm one day; easy peasy.”
“The idiot knows what I mean,” his wife responded angrily.
“I don’t see what the big deal is the victim replied, it is frightfully difficult to make a proper omelet with golden eggs; it’s nearly impossible.”
“You could buy a thousand omelets with a golden egg, you imbecile.” The wife retorted.
“Where’s the satisfaction in that?” The victim asked.
“Yep,” the booking officer told us, “we had to pull her off him again; she went at him like a honey badger…in her defense, he was kind of an idiot.

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18 Sep 2026
3 Comments

Reasons Sea-Monkeys are Better Than People #1

SeaMonkeys don’t bring their already hyperactive child into your home, stuff them with candy and soda, then stand by idly as the brat dumps mustard into your fish tank.

Posted in Uncategorized
16 Apr 2026

The Day of the Mushroom

April 16th is The Day of the Mushroom, and if you’re anything like me (condolences if you are), you are ready to celebrate.

Nothing gets me more excited than the thought of fungi, and in particular, mushrooms.

(Honestly, I could do without the laquered bracket, they’re so full of themselves.)

Did you know that fungi can reproduce both sexually and asexually?

I know what you’re thinking: don’t we all.

Here’s a fact you didn’t know: The largest living organism on Earth is a 2,000-acre honey fungus in Oregon, estimated to be thousands of years old.

Just try getting Dominos to put that on your pizza.

Mushrooms are more closely related to animals than plants; their cell walls contain chitin, a material found in insects, crabshells, and many of the Kardashians.

They also breathe in oxygen and expel carbon dioxide, just like we do. (Mushrooms, not the Kardashians)

Unlike us, mushrooms are delicious on pizza; had the Donner Party taken mushrooms with them, that entire trip would have turned out differently.

The Romans worshipped mushrooms and considered them the food of the gods. Nero was a big fan of mushrooms.

Nero wasn’t actually fiddling while Rome burned; he was gorging himself on mushrooms. He kind of made a pig of himself.

You can quote me on that last fact.

So go out today and have yourself some mushrooms.

But not if you find them growing on cow poop; leave those alone.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment
16 Mar 2026
2 Comments

Erin Go Bankrupt

In a tragic tale of misplaced trust and greed, a number of leprechauns from County Kerry, Ireland, have lost their life savings to an elaborate Ponzi scheme.

While most of the leprechauns have declined to comment, one leprechaun, Tweedle McBumpers, has decided to open up about the events. “It’s tragic,” Tweedle said, fighting back anger. “Most of us have lost everything. No more gold. No more pot to keep it in. You know that old phrase, ‘he doesn’t have a pot to crap in’? Well, that’s us. There’s nothing at the end of this leprechaun’s rainbow but despair and a big vacant spot where a pot of gold should be.”

The culprit behind the fraud was a smooth-talking leprechaun named Moneybags Potfiller. Evidently, Moneybags claimed to be investing in land on the east coast of Ireland, earmarked for a golf course and resort.

When several of the leprechauns ventured to the location of the future resort to check on their investment, they found nothing but an old farmhouse owned by the widow Margaret O’Malley.

She shooed them away with a broom.

“The whole thing is just so heartbreaking,” Tweedle said, “but I guess with a name like Moneybags Potfiller, we should have seen it coming.”

Posted in funny, Humor, mythology and tagged , , , , ,
15 Mar 2026
2 Comments

Beware The Ides of March

On March 15, 44 BC. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death in the Theatre of Pompey at a meeting of the Senate by as many as 60 conspirators.

Note: The Theatre of Pompey was showing the remake of Footloose at the time; the stabbing was the second most disappointing part of Caesar’s day.

Upon realizing one of the conspirators was his friend, Brutus, he uttered the now infamous phrase, “Et Tu Bluto.”

It was in that moment that Brutus became enraged and screamed, “Bluto is the original name of the character from the Popeye cartoons, which was later changed to Brutus, you imbecile; my name is Brutus. How many times do I have to tell you that?” Brutus then stabbed Caesar repeatedly and viciously.

Historians will tell you Julius Caesar’s assassination was politically motivated and resulted from rising tensions between Caesar and the Senate. Historians will also tell you that several senators feared Caesar would overthrow the Senate in favor of tyranny. Historians are always blathering on about something in the past.

Well, historians are full of it.

I know the real story: everyone was just sick of Caesar forcing them to put anchovies on their salad — anchovies are gross.

Final Note: The word assassination has the word ass in it twice. That amuses me more than it should.

Posted in funny, health, History, Humor and tagged , , , ,
21 Jan 2026
2 Comments

Wolverines and Chocolate Chip Cookies

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you are going to die.

Don’t worry; I’m not suggesting you will die tomorrow or in some horrible, grisly way, just that someday you will inevitably die.

Not that you couldn’t die tomorrow in some horrible, grisly way; it’s not out of the realm of possibility.

You could be sauntering from your local grocery store with a big bag of pre-mixed chocolate chip cookie dough when you’re set upon and torn apart by a pack of ravenous wolverines.

Why do you have a big bag of chocolate chip cookie dough? Because you love chocolate chip cookies and that old TV show ChiPs.

You like to sit around all day shoving chocolate chip cookies into your gaping maw while you cheer on the adventures of Ponch and Jon.

And you are far too lazy to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Sometimes you’re too lazy to make the cookies; you just stuff your face with raw cookie dough.

I mean, you were just in the store; you could have purchased all the ingredients and made proper chocolate chip cookies.

Perhaps it was the combination of your love of sweets and your laziness that has led to your putting on a few pounds–perhaps if you were in slightly better shape, you could have staved off the wolverines.

Anyway, as you exit the store, a ravenous pack of wolverines could set upon you and mercilessly tear you to shreds.

I’m not saying it will happen; I’m just saying it could happen.

You may feel this scenario to be unlikely, but there are wolverines in the world, and your love of chocolate chip cookies and Erik Estrada has made you sedentary.

Didn’t you make a New Year’s resolution about eating more vegetables?

Do you know who doesn’t eat vegetables?

Wolverines. Wolverines don’t eat vegetables; their preferred diet consists mainly of scavenging carrion and hunting small mammals.

You are more appetizing than carrion (by a little), and you are way easier to catch than a small mammal.

But don’t fear, while it is very likely a pack of ravenous wolverines will tear you apart, it could be weeks, even months, before that happens.

So, just sit back and enjoy.

Addendum: Wolverines hate ChiPs; they prefer the Rockford Files.

Posted in fitness, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Nov 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Button Day!

November 16th is National Button Day, a day to celebrate both the function and history of the button.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that, did you?
The holiday was founded in 1938 by the National Button Society.
I’m willing to wager you didn’t know that either; you probably didn’t even know the National Button Society even existed.
Philistine!
You’re probably one of those weirdos who’s all into zippers; what’s the matter with you?
Zippers are so crass and inelegant.
Buttons are clearly superior; no one has ever gotten their penis caught in a button. I mean, it’s happened to me a couple of times, but it’s rare.
November 16th is also the International Day for Tolerance; where’s your tolerance?
Zippers may be quicker and easier, but life is not all about convenience and ease; if it were, I wouldn’t live in a tent in the woods and have to fight raccoons for my food.
Don’t you think I’d rather have a functioning toilet rather than a rusty bucket with a hole in it?
Admittedly, it might be better to have a zipper on my tent rather than the buttons; they let the mosquitoes in.
But that is the sacrifice I am willing to make, so get your butt out there and start celebrating the hell out of buttons.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , ,
12 Oct 2025
2 Comments

Minotaur Banned by Eatery

A Minotaur has been temporarily banned from a local restaurant after a fracas with a busboy. The unfortunate incident occurred at The Labryinth Eatery located on West Daedalus Avenue in the city square.

“I had just cleared the table, wiped it down, and I had turned to head back into the kitchen when I felt this horrible pain,” the busboy told us.

“Yeah, I gored him in the ass,” the Minotaur admitted. “But he shouldn’t have been waving that red cape around.”

“He wasn’t waving a red cape around,” the owner, Miss Pasiphae, said disgustedly, “Our color scheme here is Red and Taupe, and the dishrags used by our staff just happen to be red.”

“That busboy got off lucky,” the Minotaur retorted, “in the old days, I would have stomped him to death and eaten him.” He then paused and reflected before adding, “Taupe is a stupid color.”

It seems the occurrence has caused a dip in business at the Labyrinth Eatery. “Shockingly, most people don’t find a goring to be part of a pleasant dining experience.” Miss Pasiphae explained.

One customer who was present at the time had this to say, “Have you ever tried to eat a cheeseburger with a minotaur sitting at the next table? It is wildly uncomfortable.”

When pressed on why the ban was only temporary, Miss Pasiphae offered an explanation. “It’s best not to piss off Aphrodite–goddess of love, my ass.”

“I probably won’t go in there again anyway,” the Minotaur stated. “It’s entirely too bright and cheery in there; that has not been my experience with Labyrinths.”

Posted in funny, Humor, Jamestown, NY, mythology and tagged , ,
09 Oct 2025

Leaping Lad Causes Fires

It seems a local lad named Jack has run afoul of the authorities by causing multiple conflagrations while attempting to leap over lit candlesticks.

After reporting to another blaze, in which he nearly burned down the home of a friend, the fire chief had had enough.

“He lit his own home on fire on multiple occasions,” the fire chief related. “In the first instance, there was minimal damage. The second time, there was slightly more damage than the first. The third time that he set his home on fire, a quick-thinking friend put the fire out. The fourth time, it was a complete loss; we had to drag him out of the house with his hair still smoking.”

After that, he moved into a friend’s house, the same friend who had helped him previously, and whose house he immediately set on fire. He would end up living in a shack, which he promptly burned down. Now he lives in the woods; the forestry service is very concerned.

Despite the authorities’ best efforts, Jack has continued to be a problem.

“We have forbidden him from purchasing candles, owning candles, lighting candles, and jumping over said candles. We have also forbidden him from purchasing matches, disposable lighters, Zippo lighters, and those flint spark lighters that you have to squeeze repeatedly and are a pain in the ass to use, virtually anything that you can use to start a fire,” The local Constable told us disgustedly. “If we see him so much as rubbing two sticks together, we will arrest him.”

When pressed as to why he continues to attempt to leap over lit candles despite the calamity he’s been causing, Jack’s answer was simple. “Jumping over a lit candle is good luck.”

“Do you know what’s not good luck?” The Fire Chief responded, “Having to run into a blazing inferno; that’s what isn’t good luck.”

“How hard is it to jump over a candlestick? I mean, it’s not that tall.” The constable added in disbelief. “He is a fat little bastard.”

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment
14 Jul 2025
3 Comments

Medusa Banned from Hair Salon

Island of Sarpedon–Athena, the proprietor of Athena’s Temple of Hair, Nails, and Greek Yogurt, has caused a stir by refusing to serve one of her most loyal customers.

“I’ve been going to Athena’s Temple for years,” a distraught Medusa commented. “Suddenly, it seems that my presence in her salon is a problem.”

“When Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale would stop by, it was delightful,” Athena said. “They were all so easy to deal with, especially Medusa; she had flowing locks of golden hair with nary a split end–unfortunately, things are a little different now.”

“I got involved with Poseidon, became pregnant, and my body went through a few changes,” Medusa demanded, “is that so horrible? Quite frankly, it smacks of body shaming.”

“A few changes?” Athena responded indignantly. “Her hair was transformed into a writhing mass of hissing venomous snakes…and some of them are really mean. And that’s not the worst of it: her face is so hideous, merely gazing upon it turns a person to stone.”

“That’s a terrible thing to say about a person,” Medusa replied when informed of Athena’s statement.

“Do you know what’s even more terrible?” Athena retorted. “Being turned to stone. Did you notice all those statues I have in front of the Temple? They’re all former employees; do you have any idea what that does to your insurance?”

“I don’t deserve this treatment,” Medusa lamented.

“My best haircutter, Janice, sneezed just as she was turned to stone. Now her face is stuck in stone in that ridiculous position forever. Did Janice deserve that?” Athena asked.

“I don’t know what I’ll do now that I can’t go to Athena’s,” Medusa lamented.

“There’s a reptile farm down the street,” Athena replied tersely.

“That’s so very hurtful,” Medusa said as she wiped a tear from one of the serpent’s eyes.

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