I’ve decided to start the new year out on a positive note. I want to set the tone for the next twelve months as we begin this fresh trip around the sun. (Sorry flat Earthers.)
I believe I’ve come up with the perfect way to christen the year 2023: a plan to destroy my worst enemy.
You may think that’s not starting the year out on a positive note–it’s positive for me!
My plan is nearly perfect; all I need are four honey badgers, a bucket of semi-rotted boysenberries, five sheets of 60-grain sandpaper, an ostrich egg, one pack of double-sided tape, a small number of dung balls gathered by Egyptian dung beetles, yak vomit–copious amounts, a calligraphy pen with parchment, a bongo antelope, and two double cheeseburgers with bacon.
You may think this list is long and ridiculous, but the two double cheeseburgers with bacon have nothing to do with the plan to destroy my worst enemy–formulating a plan to destroy your worst enemy really works up an appetite.
I have run into one small hitch with my plan: it seems bongo antelopes are hard to come by; some nonsense about them being endangered.
I tried the Buffalo zoo, but they don’t even have a bongo antelope…why even have a zoo!
The Bronx zoo does have a bongo antelope, but they were very noncommittal about letting me rent it.
When Trish at the Bronx zoo answers the phone and says: how may I help you–those are just empty words; she doesn’t really want to help you.
It was suggested to me that I substitute the bongo antelope with a deer, which are everywhere where I live in Jamestown, New York. There was one literally taking a crap in my backyard the other day.
I want you to read the following sentences and decide for yourself which one is better.
- And then he was kicked in the nuts by a deer.
- And then he was kicked in the nuts by a bongo antelope.
See what I mean?
A major factor in any plan to destroy your worst enemy is the ability to tell and retell the story in the most humorous and humiliating way possible.
I’m going to keep working on this problem because I am a responsible and mentally stable person, regardless of what Trish at the Bronx zoo thinks.
I will keep you posted on my progress.