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Archive for the tag “news”

Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie

Upon hearing that Erie’s single-item Spring Cleanup program will begin soon, eastside resident Jody Porter immediately dragged nearly a dozen pieces of broken down furniture and electronic appliances to the curb in front of his house, where it will sit for the next month at least. Neighbors tried to remind him that the rules allow only one large […]

via Local Man Still Doesn’t Understand Erie Spring Cleanup Rules — gooferie


Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

Local drivers were frustrated today as they were stuck behind a man driving the posted speed limit of 35mph on the Bayfront Parkway. “I was stuck behind him all the way from State Street to West 8th” complained motorist Andrew Scott of Millcreek. “I could have been home 15 seconds sooner if not for him.” […]

via Man Drives Speed Limit On Bayfront Highway — gooferie

H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf — gooferie

The White House announced today that President Trump has chosen a replacement for outgoing National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. In less than a month McMaster will be stepping down from his post. The Trump administration’s third National Security Adviser will be live action dragon H. R. Pufnstuf. A White House staffer, on condition of anonymity, […]

via H.R. McMaster To Be Replaced By H.R. Pufnstuf — gooferie

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas. “A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; […]

via Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed […]

via 3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Another Post From Gooferie

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier. As […]

via Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please” — gooferie

Farting Man Forces Emergency Landing

A pilot of a Dubai to Amsterdam flight was forced to make an emergency landing after a fight broke-out when a passenger refused to stop farting in the packed flight.

Chaos erupted when two Dutchman who were sitting next to the flatulent man told him to stop and complained to Transavia Airlines crew.

Yet despite repeated requests and even a direct request from the pilot the man continued to fart and a fight broke-out.

The pilot of the Dutch low-cost airline (it’s so low cost the pilot frequently doubles as a fart monitor) then decided to make an emergency landing at Vienna International Airport in Austria.

“It’s so stupid,” remarked one passenger, “the man can’t stop farting so we land in the city that invented the Vienna sausages.”

The two Dutchman, the flatulent man and two sisters sitting in the same row as the men were also escorted off the plane – but the sisters told local media they hadn’t done anything wrong.

Olsen twins

“We’re innocent!”

“It was crazy that we were included, we had no idea who these boys were, we just had the bad luck to be in the same row and we didn’t do anything,” one the sisters stated.

A Transavia spokesman insisted that the ladies were also guilty of misbehavior and verbal abuse… he then snapped that New York Minute was an hour and a half of his life that he’ll never get back.

Mary Kate and Ashley

An hour and a half!

The spokesman went on to say the parties involved have been banned from Transavia flights and in the future they will probably stop serving five bean casserole as the inflight meal.

“I could have stopped farting any time I wanted to,” the man said with a chuckle, “but I could see from their shirts that those two Dutch guys worked for Ikea and it was time for revenge–I’ll give you something to insert into slot B.”


Also banned from Transavia Airlines.

Why Yes, That is a Lizard in My Pants

car crash

That person drives like they have a reptile in their underwear.

Taunton, Mass– Earlier this week 39-year-old Amy Rebello-McCarthy was arrested for operating a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor, driving to endanger, a marked lane violation, and activities considered to be more than a little creepy.

After arriving on the scene, police noticed a drooling Rebello-McCarthy next to a 22-year-old Marvin K. Kyewalyanga smoking a cigarette near where gas was leaking.

The police also questioned a faceless bystander dressed in long black cloak and carrying a scythe, who said he was, “simply waiting for the inevitable.”

grim reaper

Mr. G Reaper, witness of the incident.



“He couldn’t recall his first or last name as he slurred his way through the conversation,” police said.

Later they realized Kyewalyanga was his name and not just drunken gibberish.

Upon further inspection, police noticed what appeared to be a firearm tucked in Kyewalyanga’s waistband. The weapon later turned out to be an airsoft replica and not the product of Mr. Kyewalyanga’s “just being glad to see them” as he initially indicated.

“I believe that was just an erection joke,” one astute officer commented.

According to police, Rebello-McCarthy hit a number of mailboxes, and a parked vehicle in the driveway of a home.

She also hit a birdbath and a doghouse; residents Woodstock and Snoopy were furious.

When the two were arrested and getting taken to the police station, Rebello-McCarthy revealed that she had a bearded dragon lizard hiding in her bra. (Unbelievably, that is not a euphemism.)

bearded lizard

The traumatized lizard.

“The bearded dragon lizard was transferred to the Taunton Police Department and turned over to the Animal Control officer. It faces no charges at this time,” Taunton police said on their Facebook page. “Just years and years of therapy.”


After closer inspection of Mr. Kyewalyanga’s pants, police discovered the Japanese movie monster Gamera was lurking about in there. Also, he was glad to see them.


Irate Beaver ‘Takes Man Hostage’

mad beaver

Irate Beaver ‘Takes Man Hostage’

When I saw the headline above in my news feed, I felt an irrational giddiness, and a myriad of questions sprung to mind. (My giddiness faded slightly when I realized it didn’t read: Irate Bieber ‘Takes Man Hostage.’)

  • Did the beaver have a list of demands?
  • What was on the beaver’s list of demands?
  • Did he want a million dollars and a helicopter, or was he just after some good dam building thrush?
  • What was he so upset about?
  • Was he tired of the way his wife sarcastically says, “yeah, he’s as busy as a you-know-what,” when he hangs out with his buddies the muskrats, most of whom she does not approve?
  • Did he stumble upon a mirror and shockingly discover how ridiculous his teeth look?
  • Was he fed up with all the new EPA regulations that are making dam building a nightmare of red tape?
  • Was he just sick of hauling around stones and mud in the muck?
  • Who was the guy he’d taken hostage?
  • Was it some jerk throwing rocks at his dam?
  • Was it a smart alec who made one too many derisive comments about his big floppy tail?
  • Or was it one of those jackasses from the EPA who are always up in his business?

I decided to read the article to find out.

A rogue beaver struck terror into the heart of a man making his way home late at night in the Latvian city of Daugavpils, according to a local newspaper report picked up by Latvian Public Broadcasting.

The man, identified only as Sergei, says the beaver ran out of some bushes and suddenly bit him. He fell over as he tried to fight the rodent off and was bitten again as he tried to get up.

In what USA Today describes as a “Kafkian nightmare,” Sergei phoned police as the beaver “held him hostage” and refused to let him get up, only to have his plea for help allegedly dismissed as a prank call.

I can’t be certain, but I think USA Today may be confusing the works of Franz Kafka with Mad Magazine.

Sergei managed to persuade an initially disbelieving friend to come to his rescue, but the friend was pulled over by police for speeding. Cops—after breathalyzing the friend—accompanied him to the scene and discovered he had been telling the truth about the hostile beaver.

It is literally impossible to read the preceding paragraph and not feel happy.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t point something out: every time I’ve been pulled over for speeding because I was on my way to help a friend who was being held hostage by a beaver, the police here in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania have been nothing but helpful. Sure, they beat me tree branches and taser me a bit, but that’s to be expected.

Animal welfare officers were called and the man’s ordeal ended with him receiving 15 stitches, though the beaver is still at large. Latvia’s TV.Net reports that authorities in Daugavpils are taking the incident seriously, though it is “quite difficult to choose the measures which should be taken” to prevent similar attacks by beavers, which can become increasingly aggressive when they seek out new homes in spring.

The beaver is still at large? So the beaver outsmarted Latvian police and animal welfare officers–good for you beaver…good for you.

And it is quite difficult to choose the measures which should be taken. So let’s do nothing, because the more stories that pop up like this one, the better. (Except for Sergei, my apologies to Sergei.)


Latvian police sketch artist rendering of alleged perpetrator–be on the lookout.

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