idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “news”

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding certain disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…I mean, sure, occasionally somebody gets eaten, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than to be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals, is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals, but honestly, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

The Future of Policing (Fingers Crossed)

I recently happened upon this story at metro.co.uk about a citizen in Los Angeles who witnessed a brawl that was breaking out and tried to report it to a robot police officer:

image source: usaherald.com

“Cogo Guebara rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles, last month.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, whose official name is HP RoboCop, barked at Guebara to ‘Step out of the way’.

To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an ‘intergalactic tune’, pausing periodically to say ‘Please keep the park clean.’”

Isn’t that awesome?

The person who programmed the robot is either tragically incompetent or a genius.

I choose to believe that person is a genius.

I have no idea what ‘intergalactic tune’ the robot was humming. I can only hope it was the theme song from Cops: “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do?”

Commit their crimes around HP Robocop, that’s what bad boys are gonna do.

HP Robocop is going to ignore the crime being committed and tase the concerned citizen reporting the crime. I envision the concerned citizen lying on the ground in puddle of their own drool and urine as HP Robocop rolls away humming the tune to Shock the Monkey.

At least that’s my hope.

Do I actually hope an innocent person gets tased?

Yes. Yes I do.

I’m only assuming HP Robocop is armed with a taser, but I don’t want to live in a world where HP Robocop isn’t armed with a taser. I also hope he’s programmed to aim for the groin.

There have also been reports of a second HP Robocop running into a child and a third HP Robocop falling into a fountain.

It just keeps getting better!

We need armies of HP Robocops in every community.

After scouring the local news reports here in Jamestown, NY, I found exactly zero stories about a child being runover by a robot or about a robot falling into a fountain.

I didn’t find a single story involving a robot police officer tasing someone in the groin.

It’s like I’m living in a third world country.

I just watched the latest press conference with Governor Hochul: there wasn’t a single mention of HP Robocop, it was just a big wad of useless political gibberish.

The Governor is wasting all this time on gun control when she could be bringing us HP Robocop.

Priorities!

Sure, HP Robocop probably wouldn’t stop any crime and he might even exacerbate the crime, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.

It’s time to get a ballot initiative going.

It’s time to bring HP Robocop to every community.

PennDot Defends Sinkhole

sinkhole in Pittsburgh

Just a typical day of commuting on Pennsylvania roadways.

National news was made earlier this week when a Port Authority bus fell into a sinkhole in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

While the incident has been the butt of many jokes and has been turned into the subject of countless memes, it hasn’t been a laughing matter to PennDOT officials. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Ron Smith, a longtime PennDOT official who has nearly all of his fingers, “technically this sinkhole is only the fifth largest pothole in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.”

When the veracity of that claim was challenged, Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who still has at least eight of his toes, pulled out photographic proof. “See this picture: it’s of a pothole in Lancaster County that swallowed up five Amish buggies, horses and all,” he declared defiantly. “Do you see the small Amish boy standing by the hole weeping–he’s fatherless now.”

Surely that’s the biggest pothole in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, you’re probably thinking: not even close.

“There’s a pothole near Altoona,” continued Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who’s blind in one eye, but you can’t really tell, “that’s so big, they’ve turned it into a skate park.”

When queried as to why the potholes aren’t just fixed, Ron Smith the longtime PennDOT official who lost most of his body hair in a freak hot tar accident, replied derisively. “Don’t you think we’ve tried? We lost five good men trying to fill a pothole out near Scranton. Those were five quality PennDOT workers who put in two to three solid days of work a month.” He paused for a moment of reflection. “They had to bury empty caskets.”

“Doesn’t that screw up traffic?” He was asked.

“Of course it does,” Ron Smith, the longtime PennDOT official cackled with laughter as two of the final three teeth fell from his mouth, “but that’s not PennDOT’s problem.”

When asked how long the incompetent bureaucrats had been running PennDOT, he became very quiet and replied solemnly, “a very long time.”

Addendum

It was later learned from Ron Smith, the longtime PennDOT official who has a freakish amount of thick and robust nose hair despite the hot tar incident, that there was a pothole in Erie County so large, it was filled in with water and made an honorary Great Lake–people waterski there.

lake erie

Waterskiing in a pothole near Erie, Pennsylvania.

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania were in fact a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

It seems the road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road; remedying the fact that there wasn’t already a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the typical rumbling and shaking that comes from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards that require at least 39% of any 100-foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorists into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renowned and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members,Ron “eight fingers” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now almost completely impassable, bringing it into accordance with PennDOT standards.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

“They Can’t Read Shit,” Erie School District Lawyer Says

The Erie School District and School Board on Thursday said it would stop using the longtime lawyer, Tim Sennett, to handle school matters after a remark he made created an uproar at a board hearing.

Sennett said the charter school’s standardized test scores are so poor that he believed its students could not “read the newspaper.” Sennett then went on to say he thought Erie School District students “look funny and smell weird.”

“Recent comments by one of the attorneys representing the district were inappropriate and in no way reflect the administration’s or the School Board’s beliefs or the kind of culture we are trying to foster,” Erie Schools Superintendent Brian Polito said, “the wellbeing of our students is our top priority, regardless of how funny they look or how weird they smell–they smell like beets.”

Superintendent Polito was immediately stricken from his post.

An unnamed School Board official stated that former Superintendent Polito’s comments were absolutely not a representation of the School Board’s opinion of the “funny looking, weird smelling, semi-literate students,” within the Erie School system.

That unnamed official was then roughed-up and forcibly removed. “There’s something crazy in those little bastards eyes,” he was heard to yell as he was dragged away.

“Such comments could be damaging to self-esteem of our students,” a second unnamed official said, “luckily those comments should only appear in the newspaper, so those little crazy-eyed bastards are never going to see it.”

illiterate, idiotprufs

This Erie School System student also mispelled the word irony.

Frontier Park Slide Too Costly, Catapult to be Added Instead

gooferie

With the lone bid for a proposed slide at Frontier Park coming in over budget, officials at the nonprofit group L.E.A.F. have changed plans, and will now build a catapult that will transport visitors from one end of the park to another.

According to spokesperson Bobby “Bo” Tannicle, the catapult will actually be an improvement over the slide. “The slide would have only taken people 40 feet. With the catapult, we can send people over 100 feet, and can land them in various sections of the park.”

Tannicle added, “Since safety of park visitors is a concern, those using the catapult will be required to wear a helmet.”

L.E.A.F. officials are currently checking out front lawns on the lower east side to gather used mattresses to cushion the landing zones.

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Erie Coke to Add Scents to Harmful Benzene Emissions

gooferie

eriecokeResponding to complaints from lower eastside residents, the oft-fined Erie Coke plant has decided to add pleasant scents to mask the unpleasant odor from the benzene emissions. According to Erie Coke Spokesperson Bob Gerunkel, the scents will change often.

“We understand that the odor can sometimes be off-putting, so starting in spring, we will add floral scents to the smoke – much like incense, or potpourri. The first scent will belilac – starting April 30th,” said Gerunkel.

When asked if the new scents will mean less danger to those who breathe the air, Gerunkel replied,
“No. Oh, no. No. No. No. Not in the least.”

“Our position is that residents of the lower east side who complain about the emissions are simply taking too deep a breath of air. We would ask them to try and work with us by taking shorter breaths.”

Erie Coke also plans a series…

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Medical Marijuana Offers Hope to the Terminally Well-Organized — Gerbil News Network

WESTLAND, Mass. In this affluent suburb of Boston, marijuana use has historically been limited to rebellious youths, according to Police Lieutenant Jim Hampy. “We could spot ’em by the eerie purple glow emanating from basement windows,” he says, as he takes a sip of his Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. “The kids with their Jimi Hendrix posters that they […]

via Medical Marijuana Offers Hope to the Terminally Well-Organized — Gerbil News Network

Erie Redevelopment Authority to use House Facades to Fight Blight

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

shutterstock_50363353 (1) The Erie Redevelopment Authority (ERA), facing a shortage of state and federal funds, has announced a new plan to fight urban blight in the city.

The ERA will begin a pilot program of installing facades in front of decrepit houses to mask the homes’ true appearances.

“There are so many vacant houses, and we were getting behind on demolition,” according to ERA spokesperson Maureen Tucker. “So, we are rolling out this façade program – starting on the lower west side.”

The plan calls for facades to be placed directly in front of deteriorating houses, so that people walking or driving by will not notice the true state of the house.

“Were going for what real estate agents call ‘curb appeal’” said Tucker.

Phase two of the plan will begin in the spring, when the ERA will be adding cardboard cutouts of friendly neighbors in the windows of the facades.

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Local Man to Host Drug Drop Off Event

gooferie

AA01People who have unused, unwanted or expired medications can dispose of them Friday by taking them to “Dan”, who will be collecting them free of charge.

“Dan”, no address listed, is collecting unwanted medication from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the southeast corner of 10th and Peach. There is no charge for the collection, which is being done in support of National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.

Medications must be in their original containers and personal information on vials should be concealed. People can also take nonprescription and over-the-counter medications.

Officially, no illegal substances, needles or other medical devices will be accepted, but “Dan” says he will work with you on that.

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