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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “Pennsylvania”

Slacked-Jawed Neighbors and Their Spawn


As the weather turns and provides respite from the bitter cold and the mountains of lake-effect snow that Lake Erie has so generously dumped on you all Winter, you feel a sense of relief.

A sense of relief that is quickly shattered by a sudden realization: all of that cold and snow provided a sort of barrier, a buffer, between you and your slack-jawed neighbors. And more crucially, between you and your slack-jawed neighbor’s slack-jawed reprobate spawn.

You’ve so much to look forward to in the coming months: bicycle tracks through your yard, cigarette butts littered about, bansheelike wailing throughout the night, the occasional acts of vandalism, and stench of sulfur that alerts you to their presence.

In the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania you are not allowed to taser minors.

What the hell were those pin heads in Harrisburg thinking?

It seems there is no physical barrier that can thwart them:

  • Electrified fence
  • Razor wire
  • Electrified fence with razor wire
  • Moat
  • Moat filled with alligators
  • Moat filled with piranha
  • Moat filled with alligator sized piranha
  • Moat filled with acid
  • Moat filled with acid resistant piranha
  • Moat filled with acid resistant alligator sized piranha

It seems futile until you stumble upon the one thing that makes them scatter like the disgusting little cockroaches they are: Holy water.

Maybe it won’t be such a bad Summer after all.

Why do you think they built that wall in China? It was the freaking neighbor kids.

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Erie Coke to Add Scents to Harmful Benzene Emissions

gooferie

eriecokeResponding to complaints from lower eastside residents, the oft-fined Erie Coke plant has decided to add pleasant scents to mask the unpleasant odor from the benzene emissions. According to Erie Coke Spokesperson Bob Gerunkel, the scents will change often.

“We understand that the odor can sometimes be off-putting, so starting in spring, we will add floral scents to the smoke – much like incense, or potpourri. The first scent will belilac – starting April 30th,” said Gerunkel.

When asked if the new scents will mean less danger to those who breathe the air, Gerunkel replied,
“No. Oh, no. No. No. No. Not in the least.”

“Our position is that residents of the lower east side who complain about the emissions are simply taking too deep a breath of air. We would ask them to try and work with us by taking shorter breaths.”

Erie Coke also plans a series…

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Leprechauns Invade Speedeez Sports Bar and Grill


idiotprufs, leprechaun
North East, Pa–This Saint Patrick’s Day the small town of North East, Pennsylvania has been overrun by leprechauns. It seems a local watering hole, Speedeez, has attracted the diminutive green-clad creatures.

“They just came out of nowhere,” one patron exclaimed, “literally, they just popped out of thin air.”

Evidently Speedeez was offering a discount on drinks to anyone dressed like a leprechaun.

“I don’t know how they heard about our special all the way over in Ireland,” one of the bartenders questioned.

“We’re Leprechauns, not gnomes–we know how to use the internet,” Blinky McKnob responded disgustedly.

“You’d think having a bar full of leprechauns on St. Patrick’s Day would be a boon…but then they started drinking,” the establishment’s manager said. “We’re out of Guinness. We’re out of Baileys. We’re out of almost everything; it turns out they’ll drink most anything except scotch–something about the Scottish House of Stuart and a war in 1644. They won’t drink scotch, but they will urinate on it–those leprechauns certainly can hold a grudge.”

“Did you know Leprechauns have green pee?” One of the bartenders asked. “Well, neither did I before today. And they keep trying to pay with gold,” she said as held up a piece of gold, “how the @$#% am I supposed to make change for this?”

“Yeah, they got really drunk and started griping about what a sellout pussy the Lucky Charms leprechaun is,” one of the regular patrons said. “Then tempers really flared when another regular known as Poe referred to the leprechauns as fairies. One of the leprechauns waved his hand, said something in Gaelic and Poe just disappeared.

“It’s not really a big loss,” one of the bartenders said as she chuckled.

“I think next year we’ll just have green beer,” the manager said in exasperation.

idiotprufs, luck the leprechaun

The sellout Leprechaun himself.

A Quick Truth About Groundhog Day

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil

Phil and his throng of adoring fans.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day is a day when thousands of people gather in a small town in rural Pennsylvania to applaud a groundhog as a celebrity and a prognosticator, as they wait with bated breath for that groundhog to emerge from his hole and to notice or not notice his own shadow. It is a day of great pomp and circumstance.

The Other 364 days of the year
The other 364 days of the year, a groundhog is a giant rodent and poking its head from a hole would be cause for the same rural Pennsylvanians to reach for their 12-gauge.

groundhog phil

“Hey, where did the party go?”

The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania…Seriously

 

Amish Buggy

Rural Pennsylvania Roads: still idyllic in 2019.

From the outset of this post I want to make to make one point abundantly and unmistakably clear: I am not making this up.

In 1910 there was an organization in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania called The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania, and they really hated automobiles.

They complained automobiles traveled too fast, frightened their livestock, ran over their chickens, and that Pennsylvania motorists were inexplicably unable to properly use a turn signal.

Note: I did make up the part about the turn signal, the Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania didn’t say anything about the turn signal…but I’m saying it!

The point was: The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania really hated automobiles, almost as much as I hate mimes, other peoples children, and any TV show with the words the real housewives of in the title.

They developed a set of guidelines for automobiles operating in rural areas of Pennsylvania:

  1. Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
  2. If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery.
  3. In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes.

Isn’t that Awesome?

Admittedly, they had very little to say about the fact that automobiles don’t leave horse shit everywhere, but no system is perfect.

It has inspired me to develop my own set of guidelines for operating an automobile in Pennsylvania that I will be posting in the future.

I leave you with a photo of the offender.

Model t

I think I see the problem: automobiles in 1910 were operated by small children dressed for safari.

 

Erie Redevelopment Authority to use House Facades to Fight Blight

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

shutterstock_50363353 (1) The Erie Redevelopment Authority (ERA), facing a shortage of state and federal funds, has announced a new plan to fight urban blight in the city.

The ERA will begin a pilot program of installing facades in front of decrepit houses to mask the homes’ true appearances.

“There are so many vacant houses, and we were getting behind on demolition,” according to ERA spokesperson Maureen Tucker. “So, we are rolling out this façade program – starting on the lower west side.”

The plan calls for facades to be placed directly in front of deteriorating houses, so that people walking or driving by will not notice the true state of the house.

“Were going for what real estate agents call ‘curb appeal’” said Tucker.

Phase two of the plan will begin in the spring, when the ERA will be adding cardboard cutouts of friendly neighbors in the windows of the facades.

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Come See the Erie Frogs: Not Everbody Gets Eaten

erie frog

Big creepy frog.

If you been through Erie, Pennsylvania, you may have noticed a big creepy frog along the side of the road. You may have noticed several big creepy frogs along the side of the road. In fact, you may have noticed big creepy frogs everywhere.

There are, in fact, about 100 eight feet tall frog sculptures littered about Erie and the surrounding area.

erie frog

The frogs are part of the Lake Erie Art Project.

“Art isn’t meant to be beautiful; it’s meant to drive us and open us up to our fears and vulnerabilities…and if we can make small children wet themselves, so much the better,” one official said of the frogs. “We took that core philosophy and we ran with it; we ran like Forrest Gump.”

erie frog

The small one hasn’t stopped crying.

“You see,” the official went on to explain, “we felt there just wasn’t enough creepy shit in Erie. Don’t get me wrong, Erie is creepy: we have Bigfoot sighting on Presque Isle, haunted cemeteries, and roving bands of inbred cannibals, but we needed something extra.”

rocky frog

Another victim of the Erie frogs.

“And the rumor that the frogs come to life and devour people has been an unexpected bonus. If we can leave visitors of Erie scarred for life–we’ve done our job.”

erie frog

Another poor soul who got a little bit too close.

 

“So come to Erie and see our frogs,” the official said, “not everybody gets eaten.”

erie frog

“Welcome to Erie. You look delicious.”

Punch an Idiot in the Face Day

jack elam you sure ask a lot of questions
happy face idiot
wifes feet dont smell enough
cartoon scientists pictures
punch an idiot in the face day
bug eyed cartoon characters
job interview with gator boots
school counselors dumb
my idiot neighbor

Several random thoughts immediately leapt into my brain after this cluster of search terms appeared on my stats page.

Note: there’s a lot of room in my brain for random thoughts to leap, stretch out, or do an entire gymnastic floor routine; it’s pretty vacant up there.

Thoughts such as:

  • What kind of questions does Jack Elam ask, and why are there so many of them?
  • How badly do your wife’s feet have to smell for it to be enough?
  • How do you know my neighbor, and how do you know he has a happy face?
  • Would I look good in gator boots?
  • Wow, this blog certainly attracts some weirdos (but not you).
  • Punch and idiot in the face day? Is that a real thing?

After doing an extensive amount of research (Google) I discovered “punch an idiot in the face day” isn’t a real thing.

Bitter disappointment.

Then I had another thought: just because something isn’t a real thing, doesn’t mean it can’t be.

So after once again doing an extensive amount of research (Wikipedia) into the process of initiating a ballot measure in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I came to a conclusion: it’s a lot more work than I am willing to do.

Just a few of the things required:

  • A petition containing signatures equal to 10% of the last local general election vote for governor. (Governor? I thought Pennsylvania had a potentate.)
  • These signatures must be real people and not characters from Warner Brothers cartoons.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, there is an enormous amount of extra paperwork involved.
  • If your real name happens to be Elmer Fudd, your parents are dicks.
  • None of the signatures can be from dead people; this is not Illinois.
  • Petitions must be submitted by the 13th Tuesday before the election. Petitions may be circulated for (at most) 7 weeks, and circulation may not begin before the 20th Tuesday prior to the election. Initiated measures may be submitted at primary, municipal, or general elections…and must be written in yaks blood.
  • You must understand the previous requirement and be able to cite it verbatim while juggling running chain saws.
  • Election officials must submit successful initiatives to voters at the next primary, general, or municipal election occurring not sooner than the 13th Tuesday after the initiative was filed.
  • The successful initiatives mentioned in the previous requirement, must be submitted in triplicate with the third set written entirely in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
  • Every fifth word of every document must be written in a silly font.
  • Pointing out to any official, that the previous two requirements contradict each other, will result in the immediate disqualification of your ballot initiative. You will also be slapped in the face and poked in the eyes Three Stooges style.
  • The Pennsylvania election code requires you to obtain the following items: holy water, a cross, a wooden stake and a clove of  garlic. (Sorry, that’s the Transylvania election code.)
  • You must be able to find Harrisburg on a map of Pennsylvania.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania on a map of the United States.
  • You must be able to find Pennsylvania Avenue on a Monopoly Board.
  • If you roll doubles three times in a row, you have to go to jail.
  • You must purchase a lot of maps and board games.
  • Petition circulators must attest to the validity of petition signatures in a notarized affidavit.
  • You have to know what an affidavit is.
  • In some instances, you may have to sacrifice a small animal under a full moon.
  • You must be able to say name of, Intercourse Pennsylvania, without giggling.
  • You absolutely must be able to deal with bureaucrats without flipping out and stabbing someone in the face with a bayonet.

See what I mean, and this is just the first page.

Then I had another thought (I’ve been on fire with thoughts lately) I need to think like a politician: I just need to convince a bunch of willing dupes to pursue my vision, let them do all the work, then take all the credit when the initiative passes.

Brilliant.

I will keep you updated.

jack elam at idiotprufs

“Hello, I’m Jack Elam, and every day is punch an idiot in the face day for me, idiot.”

 

 

Tales From an American Legion

 

american_legion_logo1

It’s a tradition. This is the fourth year I’m posting this on Memorial Day weekend for two specific reasons:

  1. I like it.
  2. Unapologetic laziness.

Years ago I worked at an American Legion post. I met a lot of people during my time there. Some of them were ordinary people, some were interesting, some were bizarre and some were bizarrely interesting.

One of the more interesting people was Jack.

Jack constantly spoke in non sequiturs. At first I thought that he was simply hard of hearing, but I began to realize there was a thread of continuity in the things he was saying. His conversations would go off in seemingly weird and irrelevant tangents, but they generally made it back to their original points.

I’ve often wished that I had written some of them down, unfortunately I’m a moron.

Here are a few of my favorites that haven’t been lost to my faulty memory:

Jack: I remember when I paid only ten dollars a week for rent.

Other patron: We don’t live in the fifties anymore Jack.

Jack: What! (slamming his fist against the bar in indignation) I haven’t ridden a bicycle in years.

Other patron: What?

Jack: I’d rather pay for my truck insurance than ride a bicycle.

Other patron: Again, what?

Jack: I can barely afford to pay my for rent and my truck insurance.

Or this one:

Me: Do you want another beer Jack?

Jack: (giving me a dismissive wave): I don’t know anyone named Dan.

Me: Firstly, I asked you if wanted another beer. Secondly, what about Dan sitting there right next to you?

Jack: (looking at Dan suspiciously) His last name isn’t White.

Me: So?

Jack: Then why would someone named Dan White want to buy me a beer?

Me: Obviously he wouldn’t. I can’t believe I’ve behaved so foolishly.

But this was my favorite:

Me: How are you doing today Jack?

Jack: You’re nuts!

Me: I hesitate to ask, but apart from the obvious, why do say that?

Jack: My wife was never an Eskimo.

Yeah. I still have no idea.

Eskimo

Probably not Jack’s wife.

But of all the interesting people I met, John was the most interesting.

John had a lot of stories to tell and a keen willingness to tell them, under one condition: you had to keep a cold rum and coke in front of him. He needed the proper “lubrication” to keep the vocal chords going.

John was man in his late eighties but still very spry. He had a weird sense of humor, which was probably a good thing because his wife seemed to have none at all. She was constantly reprimanding John for his jokes.

But that didn’t stop John.

John was a rifle bearer for the Honor Guard. One day after performing their duties, the members of the Honor Guard were returning to the post to have a few drinks together, as was their custom.

John walked calmly up to bar in full dress uniform, carrying his rifle, and wearing his eye-patch (John had to occasionally wear an eye-patch because of condition he had. He claimed he wore so he didn’t see double after he’s had a few too many) and stood there with a slight impish grin on his face.

He looked like pirate.

He then quickly pulled the rifle to his shoulder and discharged it toward the back of the bar.

The crack of the rifle echoed through the hall. If you’ve never heard a rifle discharged in a building, it’s loud. Beer flew into air, drinks were spilled, people scattered, some hit the floor. Even though I knew it was only a blank, it was still jarring to have a weapon discharged in your general direction.

A cloud of smoke hung in air the along with the pungent smell of spent gun powder. For a moment after the echo of the rifle had disappeared there was total silence. Then there chaos. Some people were laughing; some people were not. Some people were cursing, especially John’s wife, who unleashed a stream of foul language that to this day, I am certain has never been matched.

Once I made sure I still a whole person, I laughed, maybe as hard as I ever had in my life.

He later told me he thought it would be funny.

“When isn’t heart failure funny,” I told him.

John was reprimanded by the post, but that didn’t bother him. In fact, I’m not sure I ever saw anything bother him.

John was there that day on June 6th 1944. It’s estimated that 2,500 allied soldiers lost their lives on D-Day… but John didn’t. He had to hang around long enough to nearly scare me to death.

So this Memorial Day weekend, I’m dedicating this blog post to Jack, John and every other veteran who is no longer with us.

Lottery Mascot Gus Arrested for Indecent Exposure — gooferie

Pennsylvania Lottery spokesgroundhog Gus was arrested this afternoon in Erie for indecent exposure while filming a commercial for the lottery’s newest $30 instant game, “You Just Lost 30 Dollars!” Gus, who is always seen wearing a shirt but no pants, was taken into custody after an elderly lady happened upon the bare waisted rodent taking […]

via Lottery Mascot Gus Arrested for Indecent Exposure — gooferie

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