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Archive for the tag “Pennsylvania”

Sister City Disappointment

Opera House

Sydney, Australia: a lovely sister city.

North East, Pennsylvania–The residents of the small village North East, Pennsylvania received a dose of bad news upon discovering their sister city wasn’t what they believed it to be.

The village was ecstatic when it received a sister city request from Sydney, Australia. “We couldn’t believe our good fortune,” the mayor of North East said.

Upon traveling to Australia to accept the sister city request, officials from North East (the mayor and his life partner Bruce) discovered the request came not from the city of Sydney, but from a guy named Sydney who lives in a shack at the bottom of a pit in the desert.

“The disappointment is bitter,” Bruce said of the development, “Sydney, Australia is a metropolis with renown architecture and a thriving art world; Sydney from Australia is filthy foul-mouthed little man, who lives in a pit and scratches his testicles far more than should be necessary.”

“I have genital chiggers,” Sydney explained, “they bite.”

The mayor and Bruce gave Sydney a case of the world-famous Welch’s grape jelly, produced right in North East from local concord grapes.

Sydney reciprocated with a half-full can of Foster’s beer that he poured back into the can from the dog bowl.

“Everything in Sydney’s shack is sticky,” the mayor commented, “absolutely everything.”

Bruce has returned home from the disastrous trip; the mayor remains in Australia recovering from bites from a highly poisonous eastern brown snake and three types of poisonous spider. Sydney keeps poisonous spiders as pets; the snake was just bad luck.

“A kangaroo kicked me in the nuts,” Bruce said upon his return, “it was the best part of the trip.”eastern brown snake

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Google Earth Finally Adds Corry — gooferie

Google Earth has announced that Corry, Pennsylvania has been added to extensive program that covers the whole globe. “We never knew it existed” said Google spokesman Martin Chambers. “Once we found out about it, it was just a matter of getting our map car over there. We asked for volunteers to go to Corry, but […]

via Google Earth Finally Adds Corry — gooferie

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania were in fact a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

It seems the road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road; remedying the fact that there wasn’t a gaping hole in the road.

Evidently a PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the typical rumbling and shaking that comes from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stop for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards that require at least 39% of any 100 foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorist into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renown and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one the crew members, Don “eight fingers” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now completely impassable.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas. “A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; […]

via Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed […]

via 3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Gooferie

How can drinking lead to good health? That’s a question that Peter Tompkins, MD, has an answer for. “Most drinkers are deficient in Vitamin D, which comes from sunlight,” says Dr. Tompkins. “That’s why the city of Erie’s Block Parties are good. Instead of drinking in a dark bar, you can have your booze and […]

via Thursday Block Parties a Great Way for Alcoholics to Get Sunshine, says Doctor — gooferie

Another Post From Gooferie

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier. As […]

via Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please” — gooferie

A Quick Truth About Groundhog Day

idiotprufs groundhog day punxsutawny phil

Phil and his throng of adoring fans.

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day is a day when thousands of people gather in a small town in rural Pennsylvania to applaud a groundhog as a celebrity and a prognosticator, as they wait with bated breath for that groundhog to emerge from his hole and to notice or not notice his own shadow. It is a day of great pomp and circumstance.

The Other 364 days of the year
The other 364 days of the year, a groundhog is a giant rodent and poking its head from a hole would be cause for the same rural Pennsylvanians to reach for their 12-gauge.

groundhog phil

“Hey, where did the party go?”

The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania

flagElection day has come and gone and my ballot initiative to become King of Pennsylvania has failed miserably. If I am to be honest, it probably had little chance of passing.

Exit polling revealed some the reasons for the initiative’s poor showing. Respondents said the following:

  • Who?
  • Is that the idiot who’s digging the moat around his house?
  • Seriously, who?
  • I think I pepper-sprayed that guy once.
  • I thought that was a joke–I voted yes. What the hell have I done.
  • Man these genital warts really itch…sorry, what was your question again? Are you sure you don’t want your pencil back?
  • Of course I voted yes; I think it’s a brilliant idea. Besides, the voices in my head told me to vote yes. The voices usually just tell me to kill.

Upon receiving only .0001 percent of the vote, (myself and couple of drunk guys) I’ve decided to change my tactics: I will take the state by force.

Once I have seized control of the state I will implement the following changes:

  • I shall be referred to as: The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania.
  • Anyone who doesn’t refer to me as The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania, will be incarcerated in Erie Penitentiary.
  • The city of Erie will transformed into a maximum security penitentiary that will hold the most vile of criminals: murderers, violent felons, cannibals, mimes, thieves, and people who drive slowly in the passing lane. (Seriously, can’t you see that you’re screwing up traffic?)
  • I will make Bigfoot the official bird of Pennsylvania. (Of course it makes no sense!)
  • I will open a tattoo parlor and I will tattoo people with dreadful incompetence and when they complain, I’ll just say, “I’m not really a tattoo artist am I?”
  • I’ll put wifi in every building in the state, but only I will know the password.
  • Every hour of the day will be happy hour.
  • Every first born child will be named Finster–boy or girl.
  • My daughter, Finster, shall be referred to as The Prodigiously Powerful Princess of Pennsylvania. (Her close friends will call her Sally.)
  • I shall deal with any person who says “lol” out loud in lieu of actual laughter, with an iron fist.
  • I will have an iron fist constructed.
  • I will seize control of the Amish Mafia. (And they can’t stop me–I’ll have an iron fist.)
  • Every road leading into Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Foreplay Avenue.
  • Every road leading from Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Faked Orgasm Avenue.
  • And most crucially: Ground Hog Day will be replaced with Red Panda Day. (Red Pandas aren’t afraid of their shadows, they pee on them.)

If all goes well, I may annex West Virginia.

cardinal

West Virginia’s state bird…for now.

King of Pennsylvania

kings crownToday is election day across the country. Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes today I will become king of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

I must admit, there has been some opposition to the prospect of my becoming king of Pennsylvania. You could even categorize some of the opposition as extremely heavy.

I would be a kind and benevolent king. Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed; mostly bureaucrats and slack-jawed neighbors who live across the street.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of ridiculous reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of Pennsylvania. They carelessly throw around phrases like maniacally unhinged and dangerously unbalanced.

They offer proof such as:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • My plans for a castle with a moat and turrets for canons would violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • My plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put canons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with canons. (This one is fair–I would lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against New York State. (King Cuomo and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plan to change Ground Hog Day to Red Panda Day.
  • They say my plans to turn the entire city of Erie into a maximum security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these point are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

So get out there vote.

Note: My previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure. Hopefully, this one fairs better.

I still don’t understand why my slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day initiative failed. Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face–and there should be a day for it. 

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