Today is election day across the country. Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes today I will become king of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
I must admit, there has been some opposition to the prospect of my becoming king of Pennsylvania. You could even categorize some of the opposition as extremely heavy.
I would be a kind and benevolent king. Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed; mostly bureaucrats and slack-jawed neighbors who live across the street.
Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of ridiculous reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of Pennsylvania. They carelessly throw around phrases like maniacally unhinged and dangerously unbalanced.
They offer proof such as:
- We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
- My plans for a castle with a moat and turrets for canons would violate all kinds of zoning laws.
- My plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
- They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put canons wherever the hell I want.
- They claim I really can’t be trusted with canons. (This one is fair–I would lay waste to things.)
- They oppose my plans to declare war against New York State. (King Cuomo and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
- They oppose my plan to change Ground Hog Day to Red Panda Day.
- They say my plans to turn the entire city of Erie into a maximum security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
- They claim that I am a whack job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.
While some or most of these point are valid, who cares, I want to be king.
So get out there vote.
Note: My previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure. Hopefully, this one fairs better.
I still don’t understand why my slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day initiative failed. Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face–and there should be a day for it.