King of New York
I’ve been working on a ballot initiative for the upcoming election.
Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes, I will become king of the great state of New York.
I must admit, there have been varied reactions to the prospect of my becoming king of New York.
The reactions have ranged from mild laughter to hysterical laughter.
But I would be a kind and benevolent king.
Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed:
- More bureaucrats.
- Parents who allow their children to run around and scream like howler monkeys in The Home Depot. (You know who you are.)
- People who say lol out loud instead of actually laughing.
- This one guy named Ron who is a total dick.
- Even more bureaucrats.
Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of New York.
They throw around phrases like wildly and maniacally unhinged or dangerously and horribly unbalanced.
(Also, people who overuse adverbs need to go.)
They offer the following proofs:
- We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
- They say my plans for a castle with a moat violate all kinds of zoning laws.
- They say my plans for turrets on my castle to hold cannons, would also violate zoning laws.
- They say my plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
- They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great state of New York that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put cannons wherever the hell I want.
- They claim I really can’t be trusted with cannons. (This one is fair–I will lay waste to things.)
- They oppose my plans to declare war against Canada. (King Trudeau and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
- They oppose my plans to make Bigfoot the state bird. (Not everything has to make sense.)
- They say my plans to seize the city of Erie from Pennsylvania and turn it into a maximum-security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
- They claim that I am a whack-job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.
While some or most of these points are valid, who cares, I want to be king.
I’m feeling very optimistic.
Addendum: while my previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure, I’m hopeful this initiative fairs better.
I still don’t understand why slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day failed; it’s clearly needed.
Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face…and there should be a specific day for it.