idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the category “erie”

02 Feb 2023
2 Comments

Groundhog Day Dissent

So Punxatawney Phil popped out of his hole today and saw his shadow, indicating by lore, six more weeks of Winter.
He then took a second look at his shadow and exclaimed, “Is that how fat I am? Why didn’t anybody tell me? You’ve been stuffing me full of grubs all Winter so you can pull me out in front of the world looking like this?”
Phil then viciously bit the goofy guy in the top hat and retreated back into his hole.
But this post isn’t just about Punxatawny Phil and his self-image issues; it’s about Erie Englebert, a lesser denizen of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and his predictive powers.
Erie Englebert came out of his hole today and didn’t see his shadow, clearly indicating, according to Erie Englebert, that he isn’t a self-absorbed idiot.
“Who walks outside, and the first thing they do is look for their shadow?” Englebert said derisively.
Legend has it that if Erie Englebert doesn’t see his shadow, there will be six more weeks of Winter. Possibly more, possibly less; the weather in Erie is freaking crazy.
“Phil thinks he’s so great,” Englebert bristled. “Just because some Dutch witch saw one of us 200 years ago and made some crazy proclamation, now Phil’s a meteorological genius.”
Phil dismissed the criticism, “Englebert’s always been jealous of me.”
“Jealous?” Englebert exclaimed in disbelief. “Have you seen how much weight Phil’s put on? I guess that’s what happens when you live in a place called Gobbler’s Nob.”
With that, it started snowing, and Englebert scuttled back into his hole until next year.

An Erie resident was heard muttering, “****ing groundhogs,” as she cleaned the lake-effect snow from her vehicle.

snow in erie pennsylvania
Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , ,
25 Jan 2023
2 Comments

Sister City Disappointment

Opera House

Sydney, Australia: a lovely sister city.

North East, Pennsylvania–The residents of the small village of North East, Pennsylvania received a dose of bad news upon discovering their sister city wasn’t what they believed it to be.
The village was ecstatic when it received a sister city request from Sydney, Australia. “We couldn’t believe our good fortune,” the mayor of North East said.
Upon traveling to Australia to accept the sister city request, officials from North East (the mayor and his life partner Bruce) discovered the request came not from the city of Sydney but from a guy named Sydney who lives in a shack at the bottom of a pit in the desert.
“The disappointment is bitter,” Bruce said of the development, “Sydney, Australia is a metropolis with renown architecture and a thriving art world; Sydney from Australia is a filthy foul-mouthed little man who lives in a pit and scratches his testicles far more than should be necessary.”
“I have genital chiggers,” Sydney explained, “they bite.”
The mayor and Bruce gave Sydney a case of the world-famous Welch’s grape jelly, produced right in North East from local concord grapes.
Sydney reciprocated with a half-full can of Foster’s beer that he poured back into the can from the dog bowl.
“Everything in Sydney’s shack is sticky,” the mayor commented, “absolutely everything.”
While Bruce has returned home from the disastrous trip, the mayor remains in Australia recovering from bites from a highly poisonous eastern brown snake and three types of poisonous spiders.
Sydney keeps poisonous spiders as pets; the snake was just bad luck.
“A kangaroo kicked me in the nuts,” Bruce said upon his return, “it was the best part of the trip.”

eastern brown snake

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
15 Jan 2023
2 Comments

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania was, in fact, a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

The road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road, remedying the fact that there wasn’t already a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the familiar rumbling and shaking from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards, requiring at least 39% of any 100-foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway to contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorists into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renowned and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members, Ron, “eight fingers,” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now almost entirely impassable, bringing it into accordance with PennDOT standards.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

Posted in erie, funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
24 Oct 2022
2 Comments

Erie School District Adds Even More Bats

Millcreek bat

Millcreek, Pennsylvania–The Millcreek School District made national news last week when it armed its 500 teachers with 16 inch novelty baseball bats as a defense against school shooters.

“It was largely meant to be symbolic,” Millcreek School District Superintendent William Hall said, “of course you’re going to die in a hail of bullets if you try to stop an armed gunman with a toy bat…but symbolism is important in any life or death situation.”

But now the Millcreek School District has upped the ante: they have replaced the 16 inch black novelty bats with giant black Transylvanian vampire bats.

big black bat

“I don’t know if it will keep potential gunmen out the school,” one teacher said, “but I’m not going back in there.”

“It’s the perfect solution,” Superintendent Hall said, “People are afraid of bats and people are afraid of vampires–I’m just stunned no one has thought of it before…I’m thinking about putting a bat on every school bus.”

Several students have been bitten and have described the simple act of attending school as terrifying.

“Welcome to Erie County,” Superintendent Hall said in response.

When asked if he would be arming his own office with a vampire bat the Superintendent replied, “are you crazy–those things are #!@$ing freaky.”

Addendum: in a note of clarification, Superintendent Hall informed us when he said people were afraid of vampires, he wasn’t referring to those sissy Twilight vampires that wax their chests and use too much hair product; he was referring to a proper Bela Lugosi vampire.

dracula

“You sissy Twilight vampires are really hurting our image.”

Posted in erie, funny, Humor, idiotprufs and tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
25 Aug 2022
6 Comments

Erie Tourism to Address Issues

Erie, Pa.—Ned Weedly, director of the Erie County Board of Tourism, has released a statement regarding disturbing trends affecting tourism in Erie County.

To be addressed are a fix for the high-water problem at Presque Isle, the lack of parking in downtown Erie, the slight rise of toxins in Lake Erie fish, and the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals.

“We are actively working to find a solution to the high-water issue at Presque Isle, and we’ve added two new parking lots in the downtown area,” Mr. Weedly stated emphatically. “The toxin issue in Lake Erie fish is something all the communities that rest on the shores of Lake Erie are looking into, and finally, the reports of people being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are patently false…Sure, somebody gets eaten occasionally, but it doesn’t happen every day; you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals.”

When it was pointed out to Mr. Weedly that the last person to be struck by lightning in Erie County was then eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals that had dragged his body from a local golf course, Mr. Weedly indicated that anyone stupid enough to play golf in a lightning storm in an area known to be frequented by roving bands of inbred cannibals is just asking to be eaten.

“Let’s be frank,” Mr. Weedly added, “most of the people who get eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals are slow and dimwitted. Sometimes, they’re just plain old.”

Asked to answer if he couldn’t see how the threat of being eaten by roving bands of inbred cannibals might deter tourism, he had the following response: “I’d say the good outweighs the bad: visit our wonderful beaches at Presque Isle, try your hand at lady luck at the casino, or stop by one of our many fantastic wineries. Sure, you may be eaten by a roving band of inbred cannibals. Still, you’re far more likely to be taken out by the flesh-eating bacteria in our water supply.”

Mr. Weedly then took the opportunity to unveil the new Erie County tourism slogan: Come to Erie County; There’s Not as Many Roving Bands of Inbred Cannibals as You’d Think!

erie pa
Presque Isle: only the slow and dimwitted get eaten.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , ,
27 Jul 2022
7 Comments

King of New York

kings crownI’ve been working on a ballot initiative for the upcoming election.

Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes, I will become king of the great state of New York.

I must admit, there have been varied reactions to the prospect of my becoming king of New York.

The reactions have ranged from mild laughter to hysterical laughter.

But I would be a kind and benevolent king.

Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed:

  • Bureaucrats.
  • More bureaucrats.
  • Parents who allow their children to run around and scream like howler monkeys in The Home Depot. (You know who you are.)
  • People who say lol out loud instead of actually laughing.
  • This one guy named Ron who is a total dick.
  • Even more bureaucrats.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of New York.

They throw around phrases like wildly and maniacally unhinged or dangerously and horribly unbalanced.

(Also, people who overuse adverbs need to go.)

They offer the following proofs:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • They say my plans for a castle with a moat violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • They say my plans for turrets on my castle to hold cannons, would also violate zoning laws.
  • They say my plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great state of New York that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put cannons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with cannons. (This one is fair–I will lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against Canada. (King Trudeau and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plans to make Bigfoot the state bird. (Not everything has to make sense.)
  • They say my plans to seize the city of Erie from Pennsylvania and turn it into a maximum-security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack-job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these points are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

I’m feeling very optimistic.

Addendum:  while my previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure, I’m hopeful this initiative fairs better.

I still don’t understand why slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day failed; it’s clearly needed.

Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face…and there should be a specific day for it.

Posted in erie, funny, Humor, lists and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
01 Jan 2022
4 Comments

It’s Just Bad Advice

hero

I’ve seen this quote floating around recently:

My goal in 2022 is to be my best self and my own personal hero.

I have just one quick question: to whom have you been talking and what horrible lies have they been telling you.

Do you remember that time someone told you to “just be yourself” when you when on that first date?

I’m not sure if you remember how badly that went. If you don’t we can reference the police report. My favorite part is when you and your date were taken hostage by the mime.

I know you like to tell people you gave that girl the most memorable night of her life. Normally the only things you give the girls you date are crippling self-doubt and genital chiggers.

Being memorable isn’t always a good thing. Survivors of the Hindenburg would often describe escaping that harrowing inferno as the most memorable night of their life. And those people were never held against their will in a Taco Hut by a man wearing white face paint and a beret. He didn’t even a real gun, he was just miming it.

You may be the only person in history to be screamed at by a mime. (It is amazing how fast a mime will break character once you’ve peed on the back of his leg.)

My point is: your goal shouldn’t be to be your best self, your goal should be to be someone entirely different. Someone radically, unmistakably different than yourself.

As far as you being your own personal hero; there aren’t enough adjectives in the English language to express just how bad of an idea that is. I’m trying to envision the type of person who would adopt you as a personal hero. I picture one of those weirdos who writes fan letters to a serial killer who’s in prison.

If your goal for 2022 is to improve yourself, try making it through the year without being arrested for peeing on a mime, or on the back of a police car, or on the back of a policeman.

In fact, if you can make it through the year without being arrested for public urination of any kind, we’ll call that a win.

I know it’s a tall order, but I’m not completely certain you can’t do it.

Good luck.

Posted in erie, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , ,
29 Jul 2021
4 Comments

Tooth Fairy Arrested

in jailErie, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the City of Erie, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like a weirdo.

The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Rizzo family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.

The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”

The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less masculine,” the officer admitted, “and definitely less tattooed.”

“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”

The Investigation has uncovered that little Jay Rizzo had lost a tooth earlier in the day when on a dare, he tried to eat a brick. “Jay is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.

Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story: he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”

Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.

“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.

Little Jay’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.

tooth fairy

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
13 Jul 2021
2 Comments

You’re Not Really a Bad Person

snidley whiplash

“You can tell by my maniacal sneer that I’m a good guy.”

You’re not really a bad person.

Sure, you parked in front of that fire hydrant despite the big sign clearly indicating not to park in front of the fire hydrant, because of all the laws and such.

You couldn’t have possibly known that orphanage would catch on fire.

You did see some smoke coming from the building as you were parking, but you imagined a nice cozy fire burning in the fireplace…midday in the middle of August.

And while it seemed odd the smoke was emanating from a window and not a chimney, you’re not a chimney expert.

Besides, it wasn’t very much smoke…at first.

For all you knew, they were just electing a new orphan pope, you’re not an orphan pope expert.

And you’re all for freedom of religion, despite that time you punched that Jehovah’s Witness in the face. He rang the doorbell and got you out of bed and it was barely past noon. Besides, you’re not a freedom of religion expert.

And while you made the decision to argue with the firemen rather than allow them the unimpeded ability to aide the orphans who were now fleeing for their lives from a burning building, you’re not a firefighting expert.

Hey! Those firemen put a scratch on your car that isn’t going to buff out.

What’s the big deal anyway? They’re orphans–they’re used to hardship.

You probably shouldn’t have cursed at that nun, but it was a very intense situation and that crack she made about your future being filled with damnation and hellfire just seemed mean. She did seem to be a damnation and hellfire expert; she was quite longwinded about it.

No! You are not a bad person at all.

fire forest

Fires make everything nice and toasty warm.

Posted in erie, funny, health, Humor, inspirational and tagged , , , , , , , , ,
28 Jun 2021

City Announces Sidewalk Sofa Beautification Program — gooferie

The City of Erie is currently experiencing a plethora of abandoned couches littering the curbs. To mitigate this Erie Code Enforcement has announced a sofa beautification contest. “Remember those fish? And the frogs?” asked Code Enforcement spokesman Andy Zimmerman. “It’s kind of like that.” Zimmerman said that local artists are being asked to “…drive around. […]

City Announces Sidewalk Sofa Beautification Program — gooferie
Posted in erie, funny, Humor | Leave a comment

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