idiotprufs

A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview

Things you should not wear to a job interview:

• A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
• Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
• That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
• That shirt you own that has a siracha stain shaped like Donald Duck.
• Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
• That sombrero you’re so proud of.
• Your alligator boots. (Especially if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
• Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
• Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
• Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.

It’s hysterical, but don’t.

Things not to do on a job interview:

• Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
• Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
• Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
• Go on a tirade about your previous boss, using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
• Punctuate the tirade by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
• Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
• Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
• Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
• Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
• Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
• Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
• Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
• Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
• Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
• Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.

Things not to put on your resume:

Under other interests:

• Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. Definitely don’t mention the puppets are Bert and Ernie.
• Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
• Your collection of shrunken heads.
• Scrapbooking.
• Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
• Miming.

Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.

Under accomplishments:

• Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
• Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
• Your fluency in Klingon.
• Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.

Final and key piece of advice:

• Just don’t be yourself.

Don’t do this.