idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the category “inspirational”

Come See the Erie Frogs: Not Everbody Gets Eaten

erie frog

Big creepy frog.

If you been through Erie, Pennsylvania, you may have noticed a big creepy frog along the side of the road. You may have noticed several big creepy frogs along the side of the road. In fact, you may have noticed big creepy frogs everywhere.

There are, in fact, about 100 eight feet tall frog sculptures littered about Erie and the surrounding area.

erie frog

The frogs are part of the Lake Erie Art Project.

“Art isn’t meant to be beautiful; it’s meant to drive us and open us up to our fears and vulnerabilities…and if we can make small children wet themselves, so much the better,” one official said of the frogs. “We took that core philosophy and we ran with it; we ran like Forrest Gump.”

erie frog

The small one hasn’t stopped crying.

“You see,” the official went on to explain, “we felt there just wasn’t enough creepy shit in Erie. Don’t get me wrong, Erie is creepy: we have Bigfoot sighting on Presque Isle, haunted cemeteries, and roving bands of inbred cannibals, but we needed something extra.”

rocky frog

Another victim of the Erie frogs.

“And the rumor that the frogs come to life and devour people has been an unexpected bonus. If we can leave visitors of Erie scarred for life–we’ve done our job.”

erie frog

Another poor soul who got a little bit too close.

 

“So come to Erie and see our frogs,” the official said, “not everybody gets eaten.”

erie frog

“Welcome to Erie. You look delicious.”

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VEN Server Hacked By Russians! — VERY ERSATZ NEWS

via VEN Server Hacked By Russians! — VERY ERSATZ NEWS

A Few Helpful Hints For Your Job Interview

Things you should not wear to a job interview:

  • A belt buckle that reads: The Boss Sucks.
  • Your “I’m too drunk to care” t-shirt.
  • That shirt you own that has a mustard stain shaped like Jiminy Cricket.
  • That shirt you own that has a siracha stain shaped like Donald Duck.
  • Any shirt, with any stain, shaped like any Disney character.
  • That sombrero you’re so proud of.
  • Your alligator boots. (Especially if you’re interviewing for a job with Peta.)
  • Your lucky pair of pants. They may be lucky, but the hole in the crotch isn’t doing you any favors.
  • Your eye patch. Yes, it makes you look dangerous and cool, but don’t.
  • Your Omar Moreno wig. Yes, it’s hysterical, but don’t.
omar moreno hair

It’s hysterical, but don’t.

Things not to do on a job interview:

  • Turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre by responding with the phrase: that’s what she said.
  • Bring in Leonard, your pet lizard, because you think the interviewer might enjoy seeing how a lizard can devour an entire rat.
  • Bring in Wilbur, your pet wombat, because you think the interviewer might be fascinated by how much a wombat can crap.
  • Go on a tirade about your previous boss, using phrases such as, weasel-faced penis, rat-fink, or tiny brained flea.
  • Punctuate the tirade by saying, “of course, I was stealing from the company to finance my crystal meth habit.”
  • Nod toward a picture of your interviewer’s wife, give him a knowing wink and say, “sweet.”
  • Don’t lean into your interviewer, carefully study his face, and then say, “a good plastic surgeon could fix that.”
  • Don’t try to show your interviewer how clever you are by guessing her age and weight.
  • Don’t ask your interviewer if he’s prematurely gray, or just dirt-old.
  • Don’t recommend a good wrinkle cream.
  • Under no circumstance should you ask your interviewer to “smell this.”
  • Don’t do anything the voices in your head tell you to do; they don’t have your best interest in mind.
  • Don’t introduce your interviewer to Phineas, your imaginary friend.
  • Don’t tell your interviewer that Phineas thinks he smells good.
  • Don’t demonstrate your conscientiousness by pointing out that you’re waiting until after the interview to get stoned.

 

Things not to put on your resume:

Under other interests:

  • Your plot to overthrow the government and replace it with a puppet regime. Definitely don’t mention the puppets are Bert and Ernie.
  • Discussing your alien abduction, and various alien probing methods.
  • Your collection of shrunken heads.
  • Scrapbooking.
  • Hunting the world’s most dangerous prey: humans.
  • Miming.

Note: hunting mimes and shrinking their heads is acceptable, and if you should happen to scrapbook about it…whatever.

Under accomplishments:

  • Your swift rise to power as president of the Justin Bieber fan club.
  • Finishing at the top of your taxidermy class. (Again, this mostly applies if your interviewing for a job with Peta.)
  • Your fluency in Klingon.
  • Having been a cast member of any television show with the words “the housewives of” in the title.

Final and key piece of advice:

  • Just don’t be yourself.
bad interview

Don’t do this.

Boy Finally Wakes up from Coma Once Somebody Thinks to Ask Him if He Wants to See a Funny Meme — Natalie Mepham: Writer, Dreamer, Loud Gum Chewer

Memes save lives. 17-year-old Nate Masterson can attest to that. Though he stood outside death’s door for a while, he found the will to live all because of a meme. “I was lying in a coma. Not feeling anything. You know, comatose. And then, I just sensed something… wonderful. Something exquisite. Something GLORIOUS! All of […]

via Boy Finally Wakes up from Coma Once Somebody Thinks to Ask Him if He Wants to See a Funny Meme — Natalie Mepham: Writer, Dreamer, Loud Gum Chewer

I Am the Cheap Man — Gerbil News Network

It happened last night, as it has before, on other Saturday nights. My wife and I had taken our seats at a nice restaurant, and the waiter asked if we’d like to order drinks. My wife asked for a glass of chardonnay–whichever was oakiest–and I ordered a malbec. “We have two,” the waiter said, as my wife […]

via I Am the Cheap Man — Gerbil News Network

Use Your Good Eye…Idiot

(image source: wpcliparts.com)

People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.

One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.

It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.

It even caused Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face.

What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.

Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch a mime in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punched a mime in the face. 

Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”

The incident causing traffic to be screwed-up could be completely beyond your control.

Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.

Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:

  • By driving.
  • By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
  • By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
  • By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
  • By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
  • By consuming 15 to 20 cans of Coors Light before driving your kids to Sunday School. (You know who you are.)
  • By sitting at a 4-way stop and gaping numbly at the other drivers when it’s clearly your turn to go.
  • By making an obscene gesture to another motorist who is gaping at you at a 4-way stop, even though it’s clearly his turn to go.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
  • By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
  • By driving down the road with your seat-belt dangling from the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
  • By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)

“Shove it!”
(image source: wpclipart.com)

Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.

Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.

Ask Mr. Car Person — Gerbil News Network

Is your car making a funny sound? Does it give off a bad smell? Ask Mr. Car Person for help, and as soon as he gets the grease off his hands, he’ll type out an answer to your question. Dear Mr. Car Person– My husband “Carl” is a certified public accountant, which as you probably […]

via Ask Mr. Car Person — Gerbil News Network

TGIF With a Big-Balled Yogurt-Eating Mouse — Gerbil News Network

In an experiment at MIT mice fed yogurt as compared to junk food developed luxuriantly thicker fur and bigger testicles that they projected outwards, giving them an air of “mouse swagger.” Scientific American It’s Friday night and, like every other mouse in the lab, I’m cruisin’ the scene–TGIF and all that. I reached […]

via TGIF With a Big-Balled Yogurt-Eating Mouse — Gerbil News Network

Vogon Poetry, Now Fourth Worst in the Universe

hitchhiker's guide

Do not let this Vogon read you his poetry.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is quite clear on the point that Vogon poetry is the third worst in the universe:

“Vogon poetry is of course, the third worst in the universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their poet master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem “Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning” four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. Grunthos was reported to have been “disappointed” by the poem’s reception, and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic entitled “My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles” when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. The very worst poetry of all perished along with its creator, Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings (Paul Neil Milne Johnstone) of Redbridge, in the destruction of the planet Earth. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.”

It is my endeavor to make it the fourth worst poetry in the universe:

There happened a witch who lived on a hill,

of diminutive size, but enormously shrill.

Unpleasing her countenance: all icky and warts,

when wickedly she cackles, how it twists and contorts. 

Her stench so loathsome like eggs and arm pit,

one whiff and you vomit in your mouth just a bit.

Small animals would flee, never again to be seen.

At least they weren’t trampled, as they well could have been.

Her sisters she’d gather, all cellulite and hate.

They would cackle and hiss and brag of the children they ate.

And eat they did much in their murky morass,

they had thick chunky thighs, like a hippo’s fat ass.

“We will taunt, we will curse, as well we see fit,

with toil and trouble and all that Shakespearean shit.”

Their husbands did cower in a deep and dank well,

for their wives weren’t just ugly, they’re mean as hell.

But for these poor ladies, all their efforts did fail.

In the end it’s the hero who will always prevail.

Now the creatures just hide in a dark and dank place,

chugging Coors Light and stuffing their face.

Does this tale have a moral, I don’t know it just might,

but probably not: I’m not very bright.

And now Vogon poetry is the fourth worst in the universe. Thank you.

Have a happy Towel Day and please:towwel day

Highlighter Experiences Dating Woes Due to Need to Always be the Center of Attention — Natalie Mepham: Writer, Dreamer, Loud Gum Chewer

According to the office supplies on Natalie’s desk, Highlighter has become frustrated with the dating scene due to reasons purportedly beyond his control. He claims that his need to be the center of attention is innate to his character and cannot be altered. “I just want someone to love me for who I am,” Highlighter […]

via Highlighter Experiences Dating Woes Due to Need to Always be the Center of Attention — Natalie Mepham: Writer, Dreamer, Loud Gum Chewer

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