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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the category “lists”

It Doesn’t Meme a Thing

crazy girl meme

I’ve been seeing this meme crop up quite a bit recently, and it’s starting to bother me.

What are you really saying about yourself when you slap this on your Facebook page?

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE RIFE WITH SALMONELLA.

YOU DON’T DESERVE MY HOME COOKED MEALS WHEN THEY’RE NOT INDUCING PROJECTILE VOMIT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE MY PUBLIC MELTDOWN WHEN YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY OUR WAITRESS LOOKS LIKE A WHORE.

YOU DON’T DESRVE ME WHEN I’M NOT HURLING UTENSILS ACROSS A CROWDED RESTAURANT.

OR

IF YOU CAN’T HANLDE ME WHEN I’M STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET. 

YOU DON’T DESREVE ME WHEN I’M NOT STABBING YOU IN THE FACE WITH A BAYONET.

OR

I’M A PHYCHO!

woman crazy

“You don’t deserve me when I’m not trying to murder you in your sleep.”

 

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It’s Complicated

the office

WARNING: If you happen to be one of those progressively minded individuals whose relationship status on Facebook is “it’s complicated” you are about to be mocked.

Will you be mocked mercilessly?

Perhaps. Let’s just see how things go.

There are many things in this world that are complicated:

  • Differential equations.
  • Neurosurgery.
  • String theory.
  • The proposition of an interdimensional rift.
  • Navigating a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania. (You know who you are.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a dog. (Obviously cats get it.)
  • Explaining Schrodinger’s cat to a Sociology major named Brenda.

WARNING: Sociology majors named Brenda may also take a hit in this post.

  • The musical constructs of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.
  • The paintings of Salvador Dali.
  • Trying to ascertain the reason for the Kardashian’s mystifying popularity.
kardashians

It’s mystifying.

There are several reasons a person might choose ‘it’s complicated’ to represent their relationship status:

  • They’re dating their second-cousin and they’re not quite sure if it’s legal in their state of residence. (They are certain it’s a bit icky.)
  • The relationship status of the person they’re currently involved with: married.
  • Facebook doesn’t currently provide the option: stalking someone.
  • They’re a Sociology major named Brenda.
  • They’re one of those weirdos who married themselves. Let’s be honest, being married to yourself is just the same as being single, but sad and more than a little creepy.
  • They’re one of those weirdos who married a tree. Just think of the uncomfortable places they’re going to get splinters.
  • They’re a Sociology major named Brenda who divorced yourself to marry a tree she had previously been stalking. (She then dumped the tree for a lumberjack–the ultimate betrayal.)
  • They thought the status term was: it’s complimentary. Because everyone just says glowing things about them…despite the fact they were married to a tree.
  • It’s complicated sounds better than I’m a man slut.
  • It’s not really that complicated–you’re just not that bright.

My advice: just leave your relationship status blank…or date a tree, it’s up to you.

Her name is Willow, and she is delightful.

Her name is Willow and she is delightful.

 

Spicy Boys and Petitions

Spicy.

Have you ever looked at something and thought: the name given to that thing is entirely wrong? I could think of something better.

Well that happened to a man in New Zealand as he was sitting on the toilet. He said the following:

i saw a fire ant while pooping and i thought of a better name. spicy boy is better. i also threw toilet paper at it. i didnt want it to crawl into my pants and underwear.

So this person started a petition on change.org to have fire ants renamed spicy boys.

And you thought New Zealand was all hobbits and Lucy Lawless. Shame on you.

Unfortunately the petition is now closed with a total of 2,832 supporters, and I far as I know, fire ants are still fire ants.

But I have been inspired.

Following in these footsteps of brilliance, I am now in the process of filing the following petitions:

  • Sack Nancy Pelosi as House Majority Leader and replace her with Flo from the Progressive commercials.
  • Change the Capitol from Washington D.C. to Hershey, Pennsylvania–and everyone gets free chocolate.
  • Replace the stodgy old image of the bald eagle on U.S. currency, with a hilarious drawing of Woody Woodpecker.
  • Create a third house of Congress comprised completely of losing contestants from the Bachelorette.
  • Every family in the country gets a helper monkey named Mojo.
What could be more helpful than this?

What could be more helpful than this?

  • The new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: Judge Reinhold.
  • Any time Judge Reinhold enters a courtroom, Kid Rock’s “American Badass,” plays in the background.
  • The Super Bowl halftime show will be replaced by Justin Bieber and The Pope engaged in a knife fight to the death.
  • The following year the winner takes on a Kardashian…any Kardashian.
  • The closing bell on Wall Street to be replaced with a recording of Porky Pig stammering the words, “that’s all folks.”
  • People who drive slowly in the fast lane, will have their drivers licenses immediately revoked. They will also be required to write a 5000 word essay on why they’re an imbecile. (There may also be a Super Bowl halftime knife fight involved.)
  • Everyone gets a blimp.
  • The state capitol of New York is to be moved from Albany to Cooperstown. The new governor: Ted Williams’ frozen head.
  • Bigfoot will be made the Pennsylvania state bird. (I know it doesn’t make any sense–have you read this blog before?)
  • Girls named Amanda will no longer be allowed to purchase pepper spray or recklessly bandy around the word stalker.
  • People who make nonsensical lists will be forced to pay for what they’ve done.

If I have missed anything, let me know.

Introducing your new congressmen.

Introducing your new congressmen (American Badass plays in the background)

 

 

Reefer Madness and a Bit of Math

pot shop

Albert Einstein almost never hung out here.

Dutch researchers have done it again.

From the people who have already given us windmills, Holstein cows, gouda cheese, Heineken, orange carrots (seriously, orange carrots-look it up), and crucially: the idea that my date will pay for her own meal, comes another breakthrough.

Dutch researchers have determined that students who were banned from smoking marijuana in Dutch coffee shops were found to be more likely to pass exams, specifically math based ones.

The effect is “five times larger” for courses requiring quantitative thinking and maths-based tasks, the researchers wrote. They then crossed out that figure and changed it to “four times larger” before crossing out that figure and changing it to “ten times larger.” They then admitted that they were quite confused and unsure of the figures–they had been smoking a lot of pot that day. They then put on some Steely Dan records and sent out for munchies.

Note: in an unrelated study, Dutch researchers have discovered that people who repeatedly whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, are more likely to suffer from headaches than people who don’t. Additionally, people who drink a case of Heineken every day are even more likely to whomp themselves in the face with a wooden shoe, but less likely to feel the effects. The Dutch are freakin’ awesome.

The Dutch, known for their thoroughness and incredible dyke building skills, have compiled a list of activities hindered by the use of marijuana:

  • Basic math skills.
  • Advanced math skills.
  • Common core math (actually, heavy drug use helps with this).
  • Operating heavy machinery.
  • Operating heavy machinery while trying to remember the lyrics of your favorite Grateful Dead song.
  • Operating heavy machinery while remembering that your favorite Grateful Dead song has no lyrics; it’s just 25 minutes of twangy guitar music.
  • Taking deep breaths without hacking up a lung.
  • Finding Lake Titicaca on a map.
  • Saying the name Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Not giggling uncontrollably.
  • The ability to have a conversation with a person without referring to him as “man” repeatedly.
  • The ability to enter a grocery store without purchasing a case of Twinkies.

Additionally, the Dutch have discovered in manufacturing companies where marijuana use is prevalent among its workers, production levels have seen a substantial drop. However, this doesn’t apply to companies that produce tie-dye clothing; drug use in those companies seems to cause an explosion of production…at least until everyone gets hungry and starts searching for munchies.

Note: it is a little known fact that tie-dye was invented in 1928, when after eating a tainted breakfast burrito, Walt Disney vomited on a co-workers shirt, and really liked the way it looked. He then drew something about a mouse on a steamboat. The Dutch don’t invent everything.

Meanwhile in North Korea:

Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants

nerd idiotprufs ants

The Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant. How would like to get a package of these?

In a previous post, But Seriously, I described my use of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants when dealing with critics. When I receive criticism I feel is unwarranted, I drop a package in the mail to the critic. The package contains a colony of the ants in question. The label on the package reads: shake roughly before opening. (The only thing Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants hate more than critics is to be shaken roughly.)

Note: For criticism to reach the Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant level, it has to really hurt my feelings; if I exhale a feeble whimper followed by a pained, why, upon receiving the criticism, you’re getting ants in the mail.

It would seem there some people out there who don’t believe that Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants are real. People who all sudden seem to be experts on Amazonian wildlife and entomology. People who say they’ve done their own research and can’t find any evidence of the existence of such an insect.

Hey people, Wikipedia doesn’t know everything.

These people claim that no self-respecting taxonomist would give an ant such a silly name.

Things are often given weird or inappropriate names. Have you ever seen a person and immediately thought to yourself: that person’s parents misnamed him; his name should be Rat-Bastard Morgan instead of Piers.

Note: my deepest apologies to Piers Morgan and his family, that was entirely uncalled for, but I really like that joke.

They also say that ants don’t sting: they bite.

Nature provides us with many oddities and exceptions: mammals don’t lay eggs, but the duck-billed platypus does. Birds don’t swim under water, but penguins do. Humans don’t shed their skin like snakes, but Hugh Hefner did. The list goes on and on.

Note: my apologies to Hugh Hefner and his family–may he rest in peace–but he was kind of a snake.

Let’s say for the sake of argument, the name Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, is in fact, a product of my fertile if not slightly warped mind.

Who’s to say such an insect doesn’t already exist. There have been over 400 hundred new species of plants and animals discovered in the Amazonian rain forest in recent years, including a monkey that purrs like a kitten and a vegetarian piranha.

Note: the vegetarian piranha was classified as Piersus Morganus, the monkey they called Ted.

Perhaps one of those 400 hundred discoveries is an insect whose sheer nature and attributes demand it be classified as a Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ant.

Just the other day I read an article about a researcher on the Amazon River who discovered a previously unknown water fowl. The water fowl was infested with a previously unknown type of tick. The tick bit the researcher and infected him  with a previously unknown and highly infectious disease.

The disease would have incubated within his body over a period of months and the researcher would have unwittingly unleashed a devastating epidemic upon the populace.

Half the population would have suffered from the following symptoms:

  • Nausea.
  • Dizziness.
  • A rash on their butts in the shape Mickey Rooney’s face.
  • A rash on their faces in the shape of Mickey Rooney’s butt.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Itchy scalp.
  • Dry itchy mouth and or scalp.
  • All cheese will taste like wire.
  • All other food will taste like cheese, but the nasty kind like Limburger.
  • Migraines.
  • Chipmunks will throw pine cones at their heads.
  • Migraines from being hit in the head with pine cones.
  • They would have become obsessed with Kayne West and Kim Kardashian, droning on endlessly about their babies and how beautiful and perfect their lives are.

The other half of the population would have become depressed and suicidal, mostly due to the fact that the first half of the population were droning on endlessly about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, their babies and how beautiful and perfect their lives are.

Luckily the researcher was then bitten by a common poisonous snake and died straight away.

The point being: for all you critics out there doubtful of the existence of Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, you might just receive a package in the mail containing a hive of Raging Bolivian Biting Wasps. Remember to shake it roughly.

Addendum:

I know there are some of you out there who are doubtful of the monkey that purrs like a kitten and the vegetarian piranha. Do you think I just make this stuff up?

nerd monkey idiotprufs

Ted, the monkey that purrs like a kitten.

 

Where Have the Clowns Gone?

scary clown idiotprufs

“Stop crying, Timmy, and cut your birthday cake.”

Prepare yourself for a shock–there is an impending clown shortage.

It is not possible for me to over-exaggerate the gravity of this situation.

Note: I’m sorry, if you’ve read this blog in the past, you know that over-exaggerating the gravity of the situation is exactly what I’m about to do and I going to do it wildly.

Evidently, the desire to dress-up in outlandish clothing, slather on huge amounts of make-up, and go out into public and behave in a ridiculous and childish manner, has fallen out of vogue since Jersey Shore went off the air.

“What’s happening is attrition,” said Glen Kohlberger, Clowns of America International President. He then honked his nose like a bicycle horn and hit the reporter in the face with a pie. “The older clowns are passing away and today’s youth just doesn’t want to smell like elephant crap,” he lamented.

The problems that will arise from the clown shortage are many:

  • Unable to acquire a clown for your child’s tenth birthday party, you will be forced to hire a sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Bitter that he can’t find a better job, he will go on a alcohol fueled rampage. The lasting memory of your child’s tenth birthday party will be of a beloved cartoon character being brought down with a taser and dragged away in handcuffs, reeking of urine.
  • Ronald McDonald will be portrayed by a small Latvian woman with broken English.
  • Without proper rodeo clowns, bull-riders, once thrown from the rampaging bulls, will be at the bull’s mercy. Instead of being heroic figures, bull-riders will simply be known as: those guys who used to have testicles.
  • The art of making balloon animals will vanish from the face of the Earth. (Except for balloon snakes; we’ll still have those.)
  • Mimes will rise to a position of unprecedented power. In a silent coup (See what I did there?) they will seize control of the world and rule it with an iron fist. The population will be forced to wear white face make-up and dress like Frenchmen. People will flee into the wilderness and children will weep bitterly. When opposition to their authoritarian rule surfaces, they will do that thing where they wipe away fake tears, and it will really piss you off. Society will decay beyond repair, and centuries from now, Charlton Heston will find a ruined Statue of Liberty on the shoreline. He will fall to his knees and wail: You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh,damn you! Damn you all to hell!
  • It will be bad.

Note: If you’re going to a birthday party for your child, get a monkey in a cowboy hat; you can never go wrong with a monkey in a cowboy hat.

monkey in a cowboy hat

Seriously, you can’t go wrong.

 

Is It True?

 

Adorable children's favorite, and possible tattoo subject.

Loveable children’s favorite, and possible body art subject.

In a previous post, Bees and Calligraphy, I wrote the following about bees:

They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh Bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that adorable image by A. A. Milne. If it weren’t for that image, I’d have nothing tattooed to my left butt cheek.

This revelation elicited a myriad of responses:

  • That’s weird.
  • That’s funny.
  • That’s unusual.
  • That’s weird in a funny and unusual way.
  • That’s adorable.
  • Wait, it’s on your butt? That’s not adorable, that’s horrifying. You’ve defiled a precious childhood memory. If I ever meet you in person, I will whomp you on the head with an ax handle.
  • May I see it?
  • A.A. Milne is turning over in his grave.
  • That’s amazing. I have the same tattoo on my left breast.
  • Stop following me you creep, or I’m going to blast you in the face with pepper spray.
  • I’m going to consume alcohol until every brain cell I have containing that mental image is destroyed.
  • Ick.

Note: Upon reflection, the thing about the pepper spray is probably an entirely unrelated matter.

But I have a confession to make: it’s all a horrible lie.

I don’t have a tattoo of Pooh Bear or any other beloved cartoon character on my left butt cheek. In fact, I haven’t any tattoo of any kind anywhere on my body.

I know what you’re thinking now: has everything I’ve read on this blog been nothing but falsehoods and mindless tripe. Allow me to clear the air regarding a few items that have appeared in this blog.

  • Did a crack-head, wielding a razor blade, really accuse me of being a leprechaun: yes.
  • Did I work in a place where the foreman had a pathological hatred of raccoons because they have “little people hands”: yes.
  • Did I meet Bigfoot in a local pub and enrage him when I accused him of having chiggers: I wish.
  • Did I ridicule a Bigfoot hunter when he claimed the best way to escape a female Bigfoot was to run downhill, because female Bigfoot can’t run downhill due to their large floppy breasts: awesomely, yes.
  • Did I subsequently interview Lady Bigfoot regarding the allegation that she has large floppy breasts: don’t be ridiculous…her breasts were immaculate.
  • Did I receive an angry letter from, Eduardo, a Bolivian pudding maker, after I may have implied an association between Bolivian pudding and Egyptian dung beetles: no. I did, however, receive a scathing letter from an Egyptian dung beetle.
  • Was I frisked and manhandled by the police in Amarillo, Texas: they’re a handsy group.
  • Did I once pull on to the tram line in Buffalo, New York, after mistakenly believing it to be a weird little street and get the vehicle wedged between the curbs: yes.
  • Did I once inadvertently wash my hair with flea and tick shampoo: shut up!
  • Did I dig a moat around my home to keep out Gerald the neighbor kid: I’m still waiting on the permits.
  • Did I put piranha in the moat: weren’t you paying attention, there’s no moat…yet.
  • Was I denied the sale of eggs after jokingly telling the cashier that I was going to throw them at a police car: people just don’t get my sense of humor.
  • Did I inadvertently set another person’s vacuüm cleaner and carpet on fire: let’s just say mistakes were made.
  • Do I really have an irrational hatred of mimes: it’s not irrational.
  • Did I really smash a mooning garden gnome with a shovel because its butt was directed at my kitchen window: not that you or anyone else can prove.
  • Was I once taken captive by a crazy woman–Misery style– because I had stopped writing this blog to focus my Jersey Shore fan fiction: I’m going to yes because I know you want it to be true.
  • Do I write Jersey Shore fan fiction: If only I had that type of ability.

Now that this burden has been lifted from my conscience, the healing can begin.

vacuum on fire

Yes. This really happened.

 

An Idiot his Bucket and a list

list of buckets

So many buckets–I’d better make a list.

I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.

I informed the person I didn’t have that many buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I: some kind of idiot?

I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.

Note: it seems I was also confused about what a chamber pot is.

After having it explained to me what a bucket list is, and disturbingly what a chamber is, I got to work creating a bucket list.

An idiot’s Bucket List

  • Have a conversation with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from my eyes.
  • Go on a date with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from me eyes.
  • Have any interaction with any woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper from my eyes.
  • Go on a date with any woman.
  • Overcome my crippling fear of dates (not the dried fruit).
  • Overcome my crippling fear of dates (the dried fruit).
  • Purchase a Ronco food dehydrator, enabling me to produce my own dates. (The dried fruit, not the social interaction–that would be creepy.)
  • Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the name Lake Titicaca.
  • Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the word peninsula, (it reminds me of the word penis.)

Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical–why are most peninsulas shaped like penises?

  • I’d like to dine in a restaurant where they know me, and there’s only a moderate chance my food will be spat in.
  • I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what human saliva tastes like.
  • I want to ride a dolphin, but a porpoise will do.
  • I want to learn the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise.
  • I want to operate a boat without every other passenger on the boat fearing for their lives.
  • I want to stand on the Great Wall of China, turn to person next to me and declare, “let’s see the neighbor’s dog crap on my lawn now,” then laugh hysterically.
  • I want to finish the Eiffel Tower, but do a really crappy job.
  • I want to make a mime talk…and if at all possible, cry.
  • I want to write an opera in Italian.
  • I want to learn how to write in Italian.
  • I want to make the fat lady sing, or at least choose a more sensible diet.
  • I want to discover indisputable evidence that Bigfoot exists, then destroy it, so I’m the only one who really knows.
  • I want to come up with an idea that leads to world peace.
  • I want to amend the previous item on this list.
  • I want to come up with an idea that makes me filthy rich, and if the whole world peace thing also happens, that’s fine too…I guess.
  • I just want a bucket, but not to pee in, that’s a chamber pot.

    chamber pot

    A chamber pot: the perfect place to put this list.

Justin Bieber’s Shrunken Face: More Weird Search Terms

idiotprufs bigfoot

Yes. Bigfoot made this list.

As always, these are all real search engine terms from my stats page, rewritten exactly the way I found them, followed by a quick comment from myself.

why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it  You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.

how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese   I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.

sexy man riding a unicorn images  The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.

construction worker thumbs up thumbs up  One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.

mooning kilt  Aren’t all kilts for mooning?

my children’s story keep getting rejected  Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.

childrens story limburger cheese  This one sucked too.

tom cruise is an idiot  I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.

how many idiot are in the church of scientology  One less since Nicole left Tom.

cukes  Exactly.

katie holmes open mouth  Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.

cartoon vomit on guy  The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.

dental phobia funny jokes  There is nothing funny about dental phobias.

“pulled all his teeth”  See!

pi alamode  3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.

bug eyed black guy  Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)

bad guidance counselor of the year  The guidance counselor who advised this guy.

idiotprufs honey bee

His pay is all the honey he can eat.

Bug mac  More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.

Why you should start smoking  Because emphysema is fun to say.

a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana   Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.

best reasons for kids to start smoking  If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.

tinkerbell playing football  The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.

mcdonalds fries and rats  All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.

snooki rhyme satire  Much better that Snooki Haiku.

limerick about idiots  But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.

cartoon boxers  Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.

bee angry angry bee happy redd bee  One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.

a vicious cartoon bear  Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.

instrument for digging holes  Really?

bigfoot smokes pot  So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.

job interview stoned  Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.

justin biebers shrunken face  The name of Selena Gomez’ memoirs.

boy band with clown  Aren’t they all?

list of things that gets bulls angry  Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)

permanent cure for athletes foot  A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.

self-medication criteria in ungulates  Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.

self medicating before family gatherings  Before…during…after.

stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor  Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.

facts about bigfoot  They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.

Sasquatch in the woods  That too.

facts about mermaids  They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)

can an idiot ride a unicorn  Only if he’s a mythological idiot.

my summer story pictures  Even the search term sounds boring.

girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel  ??????

squat comedy  I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.

lady gaga costume designer  Also her butcher.idiotprufs lady gaga

pee electricity words wisdom  The first and last time you will ever see those words together.

cartoon cows behind an electric fence  Are you sure that fence is electrified.

my penis hit an electric fence  The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.

funny surprised face  Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

hysterical laughter cartoon  Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

looking detective search term idiotprufs

“Whoa, his face really has shrunken.”

The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania…Seriously

 

Amish Buggy

Rural Pennsylvania Roads: still idyllic in 2019.

From the outset of this post I want to make to make one point abundantly and unmistakably clear: I am not making this up.

In 1910 there was an organization in the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania called The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania, and they really hated automobiles.

They complained automobiles traveled too fast, frightened their livestock, ran over their chickens, and that Pennsylvania motorists were inexplicably unable to properly use a turn signal.

Note: I did make up the part about the turn signal, the Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania didn’t say anything about the turn signal…but I’m saying it!

The point was: The Anti-Automobile Society of Pennsylvania really hated automobiles, almost as much as I hate mimes, other peoples children, and any TV show with the words the real housewives of in the title.

They developed a set of guidelines for automobiles operating in rural areas of Pennsylvania:

  1. Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
  2. If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery.
  3. In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes.

Isn’t that Awesome?

Admittedly, they had very little to say about the fact that automobiles don’t leave horse shit everywhere, but no system is perfect.

It has inspired me to develop my own set of guidelines for operating an automobile in Pennsylvania that I will be posting in the future.

I leave you with a photo of the offender.

Model t

I think I see the problem: automobiles in 1910 were operated by small children dressed for safari.

 

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