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Archive for the category “lists”

Wouldn’t it be Easier?


Wouldn’t the world be a better, more navigable place, if people’s names reflected their personality traits and true characters?

Imagine if the highway patrolman could read the name on the driver’s license of that attractive young woman who’s trying to flirt her way out the ticket, and say, “I’d like to let you go without a citation Miss…Manipulative Little Tramp, but I don’t think I can do that today.”

If Phil, that wonderful guy you just met, who you are convinced will be the perfect husband, had the full name of Philandering Piece Of Crap, wouldn’t heartache be avoided?

If that cute girl who moved into your apartment building had been named Crazy Potential Stalker, none of those restraining orders would have been necessary, and that deadbolt wouldn’t have had to be replaced. (She was 110 pounds of muscle and crazy.)

If Jeffrey Dahmer had been named more appropriately, perhaps fewer young men would’ve fallen prey to his wiles. People tend to not let their guard down around you when your name is Homicidal Flesh Eating Weirdo.

If some of my aunts bore names like Insidious Hag, Conniving Bridge Troll, or anything with the words wicked or odiferous in them, perhaps I would have made fewer snarky comments about their chunky thighs or their dull-witted offspring…probably not, but perhaps.

Note: it has been brought to my attention that my uncle, Two-Faced Lying Rat-Bastard, is furious with some of the things I have written in this blog. In particular he is unhappy with my implications that some of my aunts are witches or monsters. As an olive branch, from this point forward, I will no longer imply that some of my aunts are witches or monsters; I will use only declarative statements. I’m happy we could work this out.

If Adolph Hitler had been called Genocidal Maniac, the world may have been slightly more wary during his ascent to power.

Ditto Mao Tse-tung.

Ditto Joseph Stalin.

Ditto Milton Obote.

Ditto Idi Amin.

It’s reported Idi Amin liked to be called:

His Excellency, President For Life Field Marshall Al HADJ Doctor Idi Amin DADA, VC, DSO, MC. Lord Of All The Beasts Of The Earth And Fishes Of The Sea And Conqueror Of The British Empire In Africa In General, And Uganda In Particular.

He should have been called Gigantic Arrogant Penis, or under my naming system: Piers Morgan.

A few examples of people renamed under my system:

  • Justin Bieber: Annoying Little Prick.
  • Taylor Swift: Annoying Chick.
  • Miley Cyrus: Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • Kim Kardashian: Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • Kayne West: Mr. Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
  • North West: Little Girl Routinely Picked On In School Because Her Parents Are Idiots. (Mine is only slightly less ridiculous.)
  • Charles Manson: Homicidal Nutbar.
  • Ted Bundy: Charming Homicidal Nutbar.
  • Piers Morgan: Piers Morgan.
  • My aunt: Wart-Faced Witch. (See, declarative.)
miley cyrus

Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked in concert.

The list could go on and on, and it may in a future post.

Until next time,

Guy Who Gets Pepper-Sprayed Far Too Frequently For It To Be Reasonable.



Unhappy Penguins With Happy Feet

We’ll show you happy feet.

The zoo is place of learning, a place of discovery, a place to take in the breadth and width of God’s creation. It’s a place where every ten steps you stop and check the bottom of your child’s shoe to ensure that revolting smell isn’t something he’s stepped in.

At these zoos, zoologists separate animals into several basic categories:

Animals that can kill you by stomping on you:

  • Big elephants.
  • Not so big elephants.
  • Smallish elephants.
  • Most any elephant.
  • Mimes pretending to be elephants.
  • Hippopotami.
  • Moose.
  • Bison.
  • Really huge geese.
  • Small geese, but a butt-load of them.
  • Giraffes.
  • An incensed mob of penguins that over-heard you casually comment that Happy Feet sucked.
  • Bigfoot.
  • That crazy mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
  • Chris Christie.
  • Rhinos
  • The Hulk.

Animals that can kill you by biting or stinging you:

  • Rattlesnakes.
  • Scorpion.
  • Box jellyfish.
  • Black mambo.
  • The Brazilian wandering spider. If the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider doesn’t kill you, it may result in permanent impotence (Insert off-color joke here–I know have some).
  • Gerald the creepy neighbor kid.
  • Diseased rats.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

Animals that will eat you:

  • Lions.
  • Tigers.
  • Cougars–the feline type.
  • Cougars–the lady type.
  • Polar bears.
  • Yogi Bear (But only if he can’t find any pic-a-nic type baskets).
  • Crocodiles.
  • German cannibals that advertise on Craigslist.
  • Sharks.
  • Piranha.
  • Crazed bunny rabbits.
  • C.H.U.D.
  • Territorial crows.
  • Flocks of wild chickens bent on revenge.

Animals that you can eat:

  • Cows.
  • Wild boar.
  • Ducks
  • Bunny rabbits (You have to get them before they get you).
  • Geese.
  • German guys that answer your Craigslist ad.
  • Deer that your uncle shot.
  • Deer that your uncle hit with his truck.
  • What you suspect is opossum that your uncle hit with his truck, but he is suspiciously evasive about what it is.
  • Tofu turkey (Just kidding, tofu was never alive, it just tastes like something that’s dead).
  • Chicken McNuggets.

Animals that look as though they’ve been genetically altered by a mad scientist:

  • The star-nosed mole.
  • The duck-billed platypus.
  • The axolotl.
  • The aye aye.
  • The entire cast of Jersey Shore.

Animals that appear cute and cuddly but are actually quite dangerous:

  • Mink.
  • The short-tailed shrew.
  • The leopard seal.
  • Gerald the neighbor kid (Not really–he is not cute).
  • Penguins after you made that wise-crack about Happy Feet.
  • Honey Boo Boo.

So the next you go to the zoo, print-out this list and take it with you. Quote from it generously. I guarantee that everyone around you will stare in wide-eyed wonder at the depth of your knowledge.

Note: It’s not until you get home that you discover that revolting smell is your child.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

The axolotl, because I know you think I made that name up.

My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense


I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.

I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.

Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?

After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:


Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.


Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.


Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.

dodo bird

Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.


Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.


Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.


Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.


Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.


Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.


Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.


Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.

fess parker

Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?

Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever

invention symbol

When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?

Is it fire, the wheel, the combustion engine, that little plastic thing that keeps the top your pizza from being smeared all over the box–all very important.

Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)

You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.

Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.

I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.

Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.

I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

Reason #1

It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.

It’s fortified!

Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.

Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.


Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.

Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.

Enough said.

Reason #2

If you’re anything like me (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There’s so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. (And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.)

md 20/20

It’s dizzying.

Reason #3

The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are many.

  • It’s practically a cure for not having liver disease.
  • Too many pesky brain cells: Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
  • It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
  • It makes you vomit: vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
  • It makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
  • It’s a memory suppressor: even if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20, and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)

Reason #4

Applications apart from drinking it.

  • Self defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
  • As an adhesive: as one of the stickiest substances known to man, it can be used as a glue.
  • Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
  • As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
  • Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
  • Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know your classy.

Reason #5

Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.

It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.

I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.

So drink up.

Westfield ny

Many brilliant people.

Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.

Putting One Thing on Top of Another Thing


An example of my capabilities.

“Do you understand?” He was gaping at me the way someone would who had just tried to explain calculus to an ape. And not one of those clever apes that knows sign language but one those apes on the nature channel that’s eating its own poop.

“Seriously?” I responded.

“Yeah,” he spat the word at me in the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure. “Did you understand what I just explained to you?”

Note: in fairness to him, the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure was just his voice–the fact that he resembled a rat didn’t help.

Allow me to go back to the beginning and explain: I am referring to an experience I had as a temporary worker. When you’re a temporary worker, there are certain things about you that are presumed:

  • You possess the education of a 12th century manure mucker, your biggest aspiration is to one day be allowed to use a shovel.
  • You need everything explained to you at least a dozen times.
  • You need everything explained in a tone that one would use when explaining to a small child why he shouldn’t eat all the fingerpaint and vomit into the fish tank.
  • You need everything explained to you in monosyllabic language. (Ironically, the word monosyllabic is exactly the type of word that should never be used when explaining something to a temporary worker.)
  • You need everything explained to you with accompanying diagrams. These diagrams should be drawn in crayon if possible.
  • All diagrams should be drawn in non-threatening colors such as forest green or navy blue. Bright colors confuse and disorient temporary workers (fuchsia makes us crazy).

I was interrupted from my duties by Rat-Faced Guy, (not his actual name) who informed me that he needed my assistance.

He dragged me over to a line where juice was being packaged in small cans. As cases of these cans progressed down the line, a machine would lift every other case and then fling the cans into the air, spilling them across the floor. Evidently, that’s not how the machine was designed to operate.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably not his name) explained to me that the malfunctioning machine would be shut down, and I would step in to take its place. As the cases came down the line in pairs, it would be my job to pick up the first case of juice, and place it on top of the second case of juice. Then I would have to do that again and again, until the machine was operating properly again.

It was at point that Rat-Faced Guy (potentially his actual name, when I said Rat-Faced Guy, people seem to know to whom I was referring) asked me if I understood.

“So, you’re asking me if I understand putting one thing on top of another thing?” I asked him.

“Yeah.” He looked at me with his beady eyes, his wispy mustache twitching nervously.

“What if, instead of putting the first case on top of the second, I put the second case under the first case?” I proposed.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably his actual name) looked at me incredulously. “Why would you do that?”

“I’m a visionary,” I told him. “I’m like Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, or Thomas Crapper.”

“Just do it the way I told you,” squeaked Rat-Faced Guy (almost certainly his actual name).

For the next two hours, I stood in one spot, and successfully put one thing on top of another thing.

Perhaps now they will trust me with something challenging such as putting one thing next to another thing.

The sky’s the limit–except for stacking things: two is the limit for stacking things.


idiotprufs, rat cartoon

Rat-faced guy having lunch.

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Mercury Vapor

cfl lightbulb cleanup hindenburg

It’s just a light bulb…right?

I broke a light bulb the other day.

It’s not a big deal, right? You just grab a broom and sweep it up.

But this was a compact flourescent light bulb, so I went to for instructions regarding proper disposal.

This is what I found:


  • Abandon your home like it is Chernobyl.
  • Run screaming into the night.
  • Never look back.


If step one is not feasible, acquire the following items for cleanup.

  • A stiff piece of cardboard (that you will later burn).
  • Sticky tape (that you will later burn).
  • A broom (that you will later hack to bits with a machete and burn).
  • A machete.
  • A glass jar with a metal lid.
  • A metal jar with a glass lid.
  • Five metric tons of concrete.
  • 15 silver-plated shovels.
  • A Sham-wow. (You won’t be using the Sham-wow for cleanup, they’re just really handy to have around.)
  • A helper monkey named Jeff, who is immune to gamma rays.
  • Gamma rays.
  • A number of friends who are willing to help you, regardless of the fact their hair will fall out and boils will cover their bodies.
  • Rogaine and boil medication.
  • A ham and cheese sandwich. (This is going to take some time; you will get hungry.)


After step two fails:

  • Burn your house to the ground.
  • Attend the funerals of the friends who didn’t make it.
  • Give moving eulogies.
  • Make new friends (seriously, your current group of friends are just hideous looking) you’ve still got work to do.


Disposing of the ashes of your home:

  • Collect the ashes of your home and bury them in a thirty foot hole.
  • Dig them up and burn them again.
  • Bury them in fifty foot hole.
  • Cover the hole with concrete.
  • Surround the concrete with an electrified fence.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Bigfoot.
  • Remove the sign after the site becomes a gathering place for people who believe they’ve found irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
  • Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Yeti.
  • Learn from your mistakes.
  • Dig a moat.
  • Fill the moat with acid.
  • Move on with your life.


Moving on with your life:

  • Purchase a new house.
  • Move in and make it a home.
  • Drop another compact flouresant light bulb.
  • Scream in anguish.


  • Abandon Earth.
  • Colonize Mars.
  • Don’t take any compact flourescent light bulbs.

Note: This is from the “quick instructions” portion of the website. The “detailed instructions” portion was just ridiculous.

muppet running

“Run Away!”

The Top Ten Reasons People Unfollow This Blog

unfollow button

Number 10

The medication has finally begun to work.

Number 9

The mimes are beginning to win their battle against me.

Number 8

The overwhelming shame and the constant hassle of having to delete their browser history has become too much.

Number 7

This blog causes cancer in lab rats. (It kills wombats outright.)

Number 6

This blog was hacked by the North Korean government following an unfortunate comment concerning Kim Jong Un’s potato-faced head. (He has a potato-faced head.)

kim jong Un

Mrs. Potato Head is sold separately.

Number 5

Internet privileges have been revoked in the violent offenders wing of Attica.

Number 4

An unexpected backlash after the post entitled: Charles Manson: not such a bad guy.

Number 3

After the alcohol induced haze passes, people realize this blog is crap.

Number 2

After my ugly break with the Church of Scientology, Tom Cruise’s army of thugs have been relentless in their opposition of this blog.

Number 1

The sudden and jarring realization people have as they read this blog: I’m worth more than this.

mr. potato head

The mustache looks good on you, Kim Jong.

You Put What in Your Mouth Now?

That is just horrifying.

What the…?

In a previous post, I mentioned that Ken Edwards of Glossup, Derbyshire, England, set a world record by eating 36 cockroaches in less than a minute.

You think that’s revolting? Sean Murphy of Lansing, Michigan, set a world record by holding 16 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his mouth at one time.

This is just one Madagascar hissing cockroach.

I don’t even want to be in the same room with one of these.

Just a few weird world records that caught my eye:

Kim Goodman of the U.S. set a world record by popping her eyes out 12 mm, in a competition in Turkey.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villian: Bug-eyed.

Holy crap! She looks like a Batman villain: Bug-eyed.

Ilker Yilmaz of Istanbul, Turkey, set a world record by squirting milk from his eye, a distance of 9 feet and 2 inches.

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

What do think Kim was looking at when her eyes went all buggy?

Mehmet Ozyurek of Turkey, has the worlds longest nose, measuring 8.8cm from bridge to tip.

what is going on with the weirdness in Turkey.

You think your eyes are big? Take a look at this.

You think your eyes are big, Kim? Take a look at this thing.

In August of 1976, Tom Miller of the United States, spent 4 days, 23 hours, 47 minutes, and 3 seconds, pushing a peanut to the summit of Pike’s Peak, with his nose.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

This seems like a job more suited for Mehmet Ozyurek.

Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, set a world record by blowing spaghetti out of his nose a distance of 19cm.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well...they were sobbing anyway.

His parents were in the audience sobbing with pride. Well…they were sobbing anyway.

169 is the record for the most people to get inside one pair of underwear.

I know what you were thinking: this is just a cheap set-up for an off-color joke about some celebrity–shame on you.

Don't you want to be a Pepper too?

Don’t you want to be a Pepper too?

The world’s horniest animal.

Shame on you again.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. Also holds the record for most damage done in a china shop.

Luther, an Africa watusi steer owned by Janice Wolf of Gassville, Arkansas. He also holds the record for the most damage done in a china shop.

And finally: the title of the author of the world’s most irritatingly pointless blog goes to…

drooling smiley

Yeah–that’s me.

A Halftime Show I Can Get Behind

halftime sharks

Put Katy Perry in a tank with real sharks–that would be entertainment.

Justin Timberlake is preforming at halftime of the Super Bowl today–yawn.

It’s all so tiresome: people flying in from the rooftop, dancing sharks, fireworks, giant spectacular dance sequences, Janet Jackson’s exposed breast.

Actually Janet Jackson’s exposed breast is the one interesting thing that’s happened at a halftime show in the last 20 years. Kudos to Justin Timberlake for that.

I have a few ideas for next year’s halftime show.

Justin Bieber and Pope Francis in a knife fight to the death:

Seriously, the outcome of the football game would be secondary outcome of the day. The winner could raise a bloody fist, look into the camera and say, “I’m going to Disneyland.” I think the pope would enjoy Disneyland.

Mimes and angry ferrets:

Get a bunch of mimes, put them in a pen at midfield, then release 10,000 angry ferrets into the pen. The mime that can remain in character the longest wins. (It’s not easy to do that invisible wall thing while ferrets are chewing your ears off.)


I don’t care what you do with them–just get a rookery of penguins and let them wander around the field–penguins are awesome. If you could teach one of the penguins to expose Janet Jackson’s breast, you would have pure entertainment gold.

An exhibition game:

A team of NFL pro-bowlers could take on a team comprised completely from losing contestants from the Bachelorette. The confessional/emergent care room would be must see television.

Kayne West:

Kayne West does a typical Super Bowl halftime show with one caveat: everyone in the stadium gets a slingshot and a pile of rocks. Granted, for Philadelphia Eagles fans this wouldn’t be much different than any regular season game in Philadelphia, but the rest of us would love it.

These are my suggestions; I expect to see one of these next year, NFL.

kanye west

Kayne’s head is practically a target.

Was That a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey?

I have a phobia.

A fear that creeps upon me and slowly overwhelms me. A fear that causes me to lay awake at night, tossing, turning, afraid to fall asleep for fear of might happen while I’m slumbering.

What is this fear that has me in such a state of paranoia?

I fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear that they will rub my possessions all over their parasite infested bodies and then return them to their exact position of origin, leaving me to only guess of their nefarious activities.

My friends tell that I’m crazy.

Am I crazy. Am I really?

When I get up in the morning, I find everything in exactly the same position that I left it the night before! Typical screeching Brazilian stink monkey behavior.

My friends persist with the idea that I’m crazy for two specific reasons:

  1. Monkeys tend not to be fastidious creatures and are far more likely to scatter things about and pee on them, than return them to their place of origin.
  2. There is no such creature as the screeching Brazilian stink monkey. They seem smugly confident about this point–hey, Wikipedia doesn’t know everything.)

According to National Geographic, 1,200 new species of plants and vertebrates were discovered in the Amazon between the years 1999 and 2009 alone. With that many new species being discovered, one of them is bound to be a monkey, a monkey that by its sheer characteristics and nature, could only be called a Screeching Brazilian Stink Monkey.

My paranoia has become so profound that my friends have suggested medication. The doctor (another apparent expert of Amazonian wild life) concurred. I’m now on an experimental drug called Oxymoron-gubernatorial-toxin. It seems to be working, there are however a few slight side effects:

  • Dizziness.
  • Dry mouth.
  • Itchy rashes shaped like Lake Titicaca.
  • The inability to say Lake Titicaca without giggling uncontrollably.
  • Your left ear will fall off at really inconvenient times.
  • Nausea.
  • More nausea.
  • Vomiting.
  • Even more nausea.
  • Squirrels will steal your mail.
  • Sleeplessness caused by nausea.
  • Random baboon attacks. (They’re obviously in cahoots with the screeching Brazilian stink monkeys.)
  • The theme to Gilligan’s Island will get stuck in your head.
  • Coma.

Everything seems to be going well; I sometimes get nauseous when I have to chase squirrels or bend over to pick up my ear.

But now and then, out of the corner of my eye, I think I see a screeching Brazilian stink monkey, just waiting to handle all of my possessions.

lake titicaca

That red line is particularly itchy.

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