idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “new year”

2023 and a Bongo Antelope

I’ve decided to start the new year out on a positive note. I want to set the tone for the next twelve months as we begin this fresh trip around the sun. (Sorry flat Earthers.)

I believe I’ve come up with the perfect way to christen the year 2023: a plan to destroy my worst enemy.

You may think that’s not starting the year out on a positive note–it’s positive for me!

My plan is nearly perfect; all I need are four honey badgers, a bucket of semi-rotted boysenberries, five sheets of 60-grain sandpaper, an ostrich egg, one pack of double-sided tape, a small number of dung balls gathered by Egyptian dung beetles, yak vomit–copious amounts, a calligraphy pen with parchment, a bongo antelope, and two double cheeseburgers with bacon.

You may think this list is long and ridiculous, but the two double cheeseburgers with bacon have nothing to do with the plan to destroy my worst enemy–formulating a plan to destroy your worst enemy really works up an appetite.

I have run into one small hitch with my plan: it seems bongo antelopes are hard to come by; some nonsense about them being endangered.

I tried the Buffalo zoo, but they don’t even have a bongo antelope…why even have a zoo!

The Bronx zoo does have a bongo antelope, but they were very noncommittal about letting me rent it.

When Trish at the Bronx zoo answers the phone and says: how may I help you–those are just empty words; she doesn’t really want to help you.

It was suggested to me that I substitute the bongo antelope with a deer, which are everywhere where I live in Jamestown, New York. There was one literally taking a crap in my backyard the other day.

I want you to read the following sentences and decide for yourself which one is better.

  1. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a deer.
  2. And then he was kicked in the nuts by a bongo antelope.

See what I mean?

A major factor in any plan to destroy your worst enemy is the ability to tell and retell the story in the most humorous and humiliating way possible.

I’m going to keep working on this problem because I am a responsible and mentally stable person, regardless of what Trish at the Bronx zoo thinks.

I will keep you posted on my progress.

bongo antelope
Bongo antelopes: the perfect animal to kick your worst enemy in the nuts.

New Year’s Traditions From Around the World

Resolve Me? Resolve You: 2015 Edition

calvinAs the new year has arrived, the annual acts of introspection, personal assessment and deep soul-searching are effervescing across the nation, inspiring the populace to acts of self-improvement.

Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.

Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.

Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.

Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.

To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re  awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.

To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:

  • Don’t walk around on December 31st and say, “see you next year” to everyone you meet.
  • Don’t respond to that guy by poking him in the eyes and saying, “now you won’t” regardless of how appropriate it may seem.
  • If somebody says something you find funny, just laugh like a normal human being, don’t say lol out loud.
  • Don’t pepper your speech with the phrase “that’s what she said” in order to turn every innocuous statement into a double entendre.
  • Don’t pronounce the T in the word often, it’s silent, perhaps you should be also.

Note: I know pronouncing the T in the word often is a small thing, but for some reason it really irritates you.

  • Don’t ride your skateboard in the middle of the street; a skateboard has never won a battle against a Buick.
  • Don’t run around showing people pictures of a footprint that you think is indisputable proof of Bigfoot. Your wife’s sister likes to walk around barefoot, and she has hobbit feet.
  • Don’t name your new mooning garden gnome, Willard.
  • Don’t place your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, facing your neighbor’s kitchen window.
  • Don’t act all surprised when your new mooning garden gnome, Willard, is mysteriously smashed to bits in the middle of the night.
  • Don’t accuse your neighbor of things you can’t prove.
  • Don’t inadvertently set your garage on fire, while attempting to rid it of a hornet’s nest. The result is half of a garage and a cloud of pissed off hornets.
  • If you’re a fireman: don’t cruelly mock someone who’s garage is on fire.
  • If you’re a mime: don’t be.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck covered with bullet-hole decals.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck with a grill guard that reads: Dirty Harry.
  • Don’t drive around town in a pick-up truck, constantly honking a horn that plays Dixie, when you’ve never lived anywhere but western New York.
  • If the following three resolutions pertain to the same person and pick-up truck, and that person is you, just admit that you’re a jackass.
  • Don’t bring the express lane at the supermarket to a screeching halt by getting into a protracted conversation with the cashier, about your brother Alan. We’re all upset that he’s back in jail, but if you’re on probation you shouldn’t smoke crack.
  • If you’re on probation, don’t smoke crack in your car while driving over the speed limit…or on the sidewalk.
  • Don’t post proof of your probationary violations on Facebook with the description: look what I did.
  • Don’t tweet about your incriminating Facebook post just to make sure that everyone sees it.
  • Don’t drive slowly in the fast lane, you are screwing-up traffic in a profound way.
  • Don’t assure someone that you have beer in your fridge, and then hand them a Natural Light.
  • Don’t try to pretend that Natural Light is anything more than beer flavored water.
  • All babies look the same; put the damn photos away.

Correction: all babies look the same except for your baby; your baby looks like a potato.

  • Everything your child does and says is not precious, unless by precious you mean: annoying beyond the ability to be described with words, and possibly illegal.
  • It’s never good to start a story with the phrase: my child did the most precious thing juvenile court today.
  • Don’t get all pissy when you see something on a list you think may pertain to you; it does pertain to you, learn from it.
  • Finally and simply: don’t pretend you’re not a moron, if you are a moron (you all know who you are).

Willard R.I.P.  We barely knew you.

Willard R.I.P.
We barely knew you.

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