Another post from Gooferie.
Another post from Gooferie.
North East, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the town of North East, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like weirdo.
The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Smith family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.
The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”
The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less muscular than this guy, and definitely less tattooed,” one officer commented.
“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”
Investigation has uncovered that little Ronnie Smith had lost a tooth earlier that day when on a dare he tried to eat a brick. “Ronnie is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.
Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story, he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”
Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.
“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.
Little Ronnie’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.
North East, Pa.–Since the first reports of Bigfoot sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, there have been some changes.
It seems his presence has dramatically increased in recent weeks as his wife, Lady Bigfoot, has left him. Evidently she grew weary of his nights of cavorting at Speed’eez, downing 32 ounce mugs of Yuengling Lager, and gorging himself on Buffalo wings, while she was back in the forest, foraging and flipping over dead logs looking for grubs.
“Do you know how much effort it takes to keep your home tidy when you live in the forest?” Lady Bigfoot demanded. “There are bugs everywhere and raccoons get into everything.”
According to reports, Lady Bigfoot’s failing patience was finally exhausted when Bigfoot came home with suspicious blonde hairs stuck to his fur. He claimed the hairs were from a border collie, but that only lead to additional and somewhat disturbing questions.
Reportedly, in the wake of Lady Bigfoot’s departure, Bigfoot’s mood has become dour and he has grown ill-tempered. “He’s always bitching and moaning about something,” one patron of Speed’eez commented, “but you can’t really say anything…he’s so freaking huge.”
The list of things that irritate Bigfoot is myriad and growing:
However, in recent days Bigfoot’s spirits have been buoyed by the arrival of friends. Yeti has made the trip from the Himalayas, and The Skunk Ape has arrived from Florida.
But with the arrival of Bigfoot’s friends, a few problems have arisen.
“The only thing ‘Abominable’ about Yeti are his manners,” one of the bartenders related. “If have to listen to him tell one more story about how much a yak can crap, I’m going to lose it.”
“Of course The Skunk Ape smells horrible,” said a patron named Bob, “but what’s worse…he hogs the jukebox and plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff.”
Tensions came to a head when a patron called Poe accused Bigfoot of giving him deer ticks. Later that evening Poe was found in the street, stomped into the pavement, and covered with giant foot prints. The other patrons seemed to be okay with it.
The local authorities instituted a ban on all mythological creatures while an investigation is conducted.
“I can’t believe this happened right before my busy season,” an exasperated Tooth Fairy commented.
Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.
UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.
Erie, Pennsylvania — Scandal has struck in Erie Pennsylvania. It seems a recent election held by The Erie County Chapter of Bigfoot Hunters and People who Wander in the Woods Aimlessly for club president has erupted in controversy.
The losing candidate, Ron Smith, has called foul, asserting the election was stolen from him by the Russians. “It was that shifty rat Sergey,” Mr. Smith stated referring to Sergey Pavlychko another member of the organization. “We all wrote our votes down on a piece of paper and Sergey went around collecting them in Skeeter McDougall’s ‘Sasquatch your back’ hat. Explain to me why Sergey was the one who volunteered to collect the votes?”
“I’m the sergeant-at-arms; it’s my job to collect the votes,” Sergey explained. “And tell that asshat I’m Ukrainian.”
“I’ve heard that Sergey’s cousin’s neighbor has a friend who lives two villages over from a guy who once met a farmer who raises pigs, and that farmer sold a pig to butcher who made bacon that he sold to a chef who then used that bacon to make a bacon sandwich that Vladimir Putin ate…and I heard it was delicious. And then I lose this election–that can’t be a coincidence,” Ron stated.
“Asshat,” Sergey reiterated.
Ron then revealed that before the vote, he asked every member who they were going to vote for and they all said they were voting for him.
“Ron has remarkably bad breath and he spits a lot when he talks,” a member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “You’d tell him anything to get him away from your face.”
“The biggest problem with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” said Larry Smith, his victorious opponent and nephew. “Aunt Leona calls him the shame of family.”
“This election is illegitimate and I will do anything necessary to undermine Larry’s presidency, even to the point of destroying this organization,” a defiant Ron exclaimed.
“The family Christmas is going to suck more than usual this year,” Larry said.
While Ron has called for multiple recounts and a probe into Sergey’s Russian pig butcher ties, the results of the election stand.
Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment. Evidently he was somewhere in the Russian countryside, shirtless, riding a horse bareback, looking for grizzly bears to wrestle.