You’re at the big family picnic when you hear a high pitched screeching coming from behind. It’s like some kind of wildly malfunctioning siren, or a giant deranged braying donkey. The noise is so shrill, so piercing, you can feel it in your chest. You wheel around expecting to find some kind of harpy or mythological beast of misery—you’re close.
“Look at my daughter.” Your Aunt Zelda screams at you as she points to a filthy and disheveled child.
“I’ve seen her before,” you tell Aunt Zelda, “but keep up the grooming regimen, it’s really paying off.”
“What I mean is: do you know how your Little Cousin Erina has come to be in this state?”
“I’m guessing the combination of bad genetics and decidedly questionable parenting.” You feel confident in your answer.
“Specifically, the condition of her face,” Aunt Zelda snaps.
“Her face? That’s all on you and her father and possibly a radon leak in your home.”
Aunt Zelda is now visibly agitated—you can tell because there is some color in her normally pasty complexion.
“The gunk around her mouth; I want you to tell me what that is,” she demands.
“The final reason the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania needs to begin proceedings toward the termination of parental rights?”
“You’re full of little jokes today aren’t you?”
“I’d like to think I carry my wit with me everyday,” you tell her.
“It’s dragonflies!” Aunt Zelda screams at you.
“You shouldn’t allow your child eat dragonflies,” you advise Aunt Zelda, “you’re giving the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania ammunition they don’t even need.”
“She ate the dragonflies because you told her to,” Aunt Zelda snaps at you, her face achieving a level of color previously thought not possible.
“I never told anyone to eat dragonflies,” you defend yourself.
“You told the children if they eat enough dragonflies they would turn into a dragons.”
“That was more of a cautionary tale than actual instructions.”
“Well she believed you and now she’s eaten five dragonflies.”
“She’s eaten five dragonflies?” you exclaim, genuinely impressed, “dragonflies are hard to catch.”
“In the future I would appreciate it if you would refrain from telling my daughter lies.”
“You don’t know it’s not true,” you defend yourself.
Your Cousin Bucky notices Little Cousin Erikka’s face as he’s passing by. “There’s chocolate all over your kid’s face, Aunt Zelda.”
“That’s not chocolate,” Aunt Zelda screams at Cousin Bucky, ” it’s dragonflies.”
Cousin Bucky stops in his tracks as he absorbs the information. “Are you sure it’s wise to let your child eat dragonflies, especially with the whole family court thing coming up?”
“I didn’t let her eat dragonflies, you moron.”
“Still, you should probably monitor her insect consumption,” Cousin Bucky says, “because the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania already has more than enough ammunition.”
“Really? Do they have enough ammunition? Do they really?” Aunt Zelda snaps at Cousin Bucky.
“Do you not know…because they have a lot of ammunition,” Cousin Bucky assures Aunt Zelda
“Daughter Erina ate the dragonflies because this moron told her she’d turn into a dragon if she ate enough dragonflies,” Aunt Zelda pokes a crooked finger at you.
“I don’t think you have anything to worry about,” Cousin Bucky tells Aunt Zelda.
“I have nothing to worry about?” Aunt Zelda questions.
“I doubt it’s the case eating dragonflies will actually turn her into a dragon,” Cousin Bucky says matter-of-factly.
“You don’t know it’s not true,” you admonish Cousin Bucky. “You’re not an expert on dragons or dragonflies?”
“I suppose I’m not,” Cousin Bucky agrees.
“Obviously eating dragonflies doesn’t turn you into a dragon,” Aunt Zelda says, “she ate five of them and she’s not a dragon.”
“She ate five?” Cousin Bucky says with surprise. “They’re really hard to catch.”
“They are hard to catch,” you agree. “But clearly, five dragonflies is not enough to trigger the Dragon transformation.”
“Should I eat more?” Little Cousin Erina asks.
“I guess that depends on how badly you want to be a dragon,” you advise.
“Yay, more dragonflies,” Little Cousin Erina cheers.
“You’re not eating anymore dragonflies,” Aunt Zelda scolds.
“I think you’re missing the key point in this entire situation,” you tell Aunt Zelda.
“And what would that be?”
“The fact that your daughter desperately wants to be a dragon.”
“I wouldn’t bring that up to the people from social services,” Cousin Bucky advises Aunt Zelda.
“Why do you want to be a dragon?” You ask Little Cousin Erina.
“Because dragons can breathe fire and burn alive any person they don’t like,” Little Cousin Erina tells you with glee.
“That was a bit chilling,” you say.
“I definitely would not bring that up to the people from social services,” Cousin Bucky tells Aunt Zelda.
“Really, Nephew Bucky,” Aunt Zelda snaps. “Are those your words of wisdom for me?”
“Do you really not know…because that sounded horrible.”
“Look, a dragonfly,” Little Cousin Erina squeals with delight as she runs off in the direction of the dragonfly.
Aunt Zelda stares in silent rage at you and Cousin Bucky before she turns to pursue her daughter.
“Look at that,” Cousin Bucky says in amazement, “she’s caught another one.”
“And now she’s eating it,” you reply.
“It’ll be good having a dragon in the family,” Cousin Bucky says.
You just nod in agreement.
Never had greater words of wisdom passed over human lips: Don’t pee on the electric fence.
Well, maybe not great words of wisdom, but to a bunch of young boys about to go ramming through a cow pasture on their way to the woods, they seemed like great words of wisdom. After all, he was an old guy, and old guys know stuff.
Of course, to a group of young rapscallions, this was practically a dare to pee on the electric fence.
Note: As it turned out, far more useful words of wisdom would have been: don’t pee close enough to the electric fence that your friends can shove you into it. Don’t trust your friends: another solid piece of advice.
They may not be words that hold the eloquence of the Gettysburg Address or the weight of Churchill’s address to a joint session of Congress upon the United States entrance into the war, but if you had ever been shoved penis first into an electric fence, you would appreciate their significance.
He also told us not to eat any mushrooms growing on cow crap. He was evidently unconcerned with the myriad of poisonous mushrooms growing everywhere else.
The point is: a few short words of wisdom can save a young man from a lot of misery. Words of wisdom such as:
North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.
“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”
“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”
“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”
“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”
Black Friday: the day even genteel old ladies become MMA cage fighters.
Remember: if you have to commit a few misdemeanors and a stray felony or two in the act of acquiring Christmas gifts, it’s perfectly justifiable.
If you’re not engaging in activities that are at the very least, ethically and morally dubious, you’re heart just isn’t into it.
It’s called Black Friday for a reason. It’s not called Rosy Red Cheery Friday, you pansies.
If you’re not out there causing pain, you’re not doing right.
I have a few helpful tips for Black Friday:
Remember: the important thing about the season is that you get what you want at the expense of your fellow man.
Final Note: make sure you keep the receipts; that gift you stabbed another human being in the face to get, will likely be returned.
North East, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the town of North East, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like weirdo.
The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Smith family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.
The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”
The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less muscular than this guy, and definitely less tattooed,” one officer commented.
“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”
Investigation has uncovered that little Ronnie Smith had lost a tooth earlier that day when on a dare he tried to eat a brick. “Ronnie is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.
Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story, he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”
Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.
“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.
Little Ronnie’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.
Dear Mr. Idiotprufs,
Here at Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories, we gain no greater satisfaction than when we create new and fresh children’s literature. So believe me when I express to you, we empathize with and appreciate your desire to write children’s stories. That being said, please stop it.
We believe that your talents lie in a genre away from children’s literature, very far away from children’s literature.
Take for example the first story you sent us, Little Timmy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines. A little boy’s first kite is a good idea for a children’s story. A little boy’s first experience with radical skin grafting: not so much.
Similarly, your story, The Poorly Constructed and Precariously High Treehouse, starts out with a treehouse–a good subject for a children’s story. It ends with a full body cast, and an addiction to painkillers–a bad subject for a children’s story.
And for the love of all that is good and merciful, please stop sending us stories that involve diseased chimpanzees.
For your reference, here is list of topics unsuitable for children’s stories:
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from the zoo.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from the circus.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a research lab.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility under Bill Gates home.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis, under Bill Gates home.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from Martha Stewart’s house. (If Miss Stewart were to ever have a chimp, we are certain it would not be diseased.)
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a one-eyed organ grinder.
- A one-eyed organ grinder.
- A diseased chimp with intestinal parasites.
- Intestinal parasites.
- Parasites. (Tapeworms are not lovable, and are seldom named Henry.)
- Virtually any idea that has ever popped into your head.
In regards to your proposal for a series of books based on the ghost of mischievous monkey that haunts children who won’t eat their vegetables: it’s not a good idea. That doesn’t even take into consideration the certain legal difficulties that would arise from your main character: Mysterious George.
We hope that you will heed our advice and take to heart the following suggestions:
- Seek professional help.
- Whatever medications that are certain to be prescribed, take them.
- Stay as far away from children’s literature as you possibly can.
Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories
P.S. In retrospect, stay as far away from actual children as possible.
Spurred by these acts of self-improvement, the New Year’s resolutions abound.
Some resolutions are to purge undesirable habits: smoking, picking your nose, being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.
Some resolutions are to adopt desirable habits: a healthy diet, good hygiene, not being Justin Bieber, punching your idiot uncle in the face.
Note: go ahead and punch your idiot uncle in the face; he has it coming.
Some people resolve to simply approach life with a more positive attitude toward their fellow man, by improving themselves, they feel that they can improve others.
To all of this I have one response: Wake Up! Your fellow man sucks. You’re awesome, it’s everybody else that needs to change.
To that end, here is 2015’s list of resolutions for others:
Note: I know pronouncing the T in the word often is a small thing, but for some reason it really irritates you.
Correction: all babies look the same except for your baby; your baby looks like a potato.