I am brimming with excitement and anticipation.
I am going to venture intrepidly into the wilderness in the search for answers.
Bigfoot: does he exist? Is he out there? If he is out there, can I find him? If I do find him, will I just pee myself and runaway? I probably will.
After exhaustive research (the Discovery Channel) of Bigfoot sightings, individuals who have made those sightings, and those who hunt for Bigfoot, I have prepared a list of things I will need to start my search:
- I will need a large wooded area. Luckily for me, I live in rural Pennsylvania. I also live in an area where there have been actual Bigfoot sightings over the years. Rural Pennsylvania is also good for UFO sightings, alien abductions, haunted graveyards, and roving bands of cannibals. (I’m joking about the roving bands of cannibals–the vast majority of our cannibals tend to be quite sedentary. Probably from all the people they eat.)
- It is also important for the area where you’re searching to have plenty of thick brush, large outcroppings of rock, and thick walls of impenetrable fog and mist. The type of things that Bigfoot can quickly duck behind before you can get a clear picture of him.
- A camera that takes pictures that are out of focus, out of frame, and generally blurry.
- A FLIR thermal imaging camera. They’re great for picking up clear images of indistinct blobs that could be a Bigfoot, or possibly a squirrel.
- A motion activated camera. When motion enters the field of view of the camera, it triggers a sensor, which promptly causes the camera to malfunction and burst into flames.
- I will need an abnormally large percentage of my clothing to be camouflage, including my underwear and wallet.
- A gun rack for the back of my pickup truck.
- A pickup truck. (Preferably painted in camouflage.)
- Bullet hole decals for my pickup truck…bigfoot hunters are badass.
- The ability to pepper my vocabulary with the word squatchy regardless of context: I love what you’re done to your hair sweetheart–it’s squatchy.
- A skeptic.
It’s always important for any self-respecting Bigfoot hunter to be accompanied by a skeptic. The skeptic’s job is to provide a counter-balance for the over-exuberant bigfoot hunter and to insure a measure of scientific process. It also vital for the skeptic to be unnecessarily and relentlessly condescending and snarky.
Skeptics are required to possess a whiny nasal voice and for some unknown reason, skeptics usually have the physical attributes of a rat. Any good skeptic will have sharp beady eyes and a wispy, ill-conceived mustache. (Man or woman.)
Skeptics like to say things to bigfoot hunters such as:
- It’s highly unlikely any type of simian would reside in these woods since they lack the requisite body fat for survival in a colder climate. We’re the only ones stupid enough to be stomping around the forest at night in this freaking cold.
- Hey, don’t drop that camouflage wallet out here in the woods, or you’ll really be doing some serious hunting.
- A shower. Just once every day or two–think about it.
- Why do you keep asking me if I want some cheese and then laugh hysterically?
- No. I don’t think those truck noises out by the highway have anything to do with bigfoot.
- While a putrid sulfur smell is associated with bigfoot sightings, I don’t think that’s what this smell is from. Seriously…take a shower.
Once I have compiled all the necessary equipment from the list above and found myself a suitable skeptic, I will venture into the wilderness and I will find the truth.
I may also get lost. If you don’t hear from me, send help.