idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “humour”

The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania

flagElection day has come and gone and my ballot initiative to become King of Pennsylvania has failed miserably. If I am to be honest, it probably had little chance of passing.

Exit polling revealed some the reasons for the initiative’s poor showing. Respondents said the following:

  • Who?
  • Is that the idiot who’s digging the moat around his house?
  • Seriously, who?
  • I think I pepper-sprayed that guy once.
  • I thought that was a joke–I voted yes. What the hell have I done.
  • Man these genital warts really itch…sorry, what was your question again? Are you sure you don’t want your pencil back?
  • Of course I voted yes; I think it’s a brilliant idea. Besides, the voices in my head told me to vote yes. The voices usually just tell me to kill.

Upon receiving only .0001 percent of the vote, (myself and couple of drunk guys) I’ve decided to change my tactics: I will take the state by force.

Once I have seized control of the state I will implement the following changes:

  • I shall be referred to as: The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania.
  • Anyone who doesn’t refer to me as The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania, will be incarcerated in Erie Penitentiary.
  • The city of Erie will transformed into a maximum security penitentiary that will hold the most vile of criminals: murderers, violent felons, cannibals, mimes, thieves, and people who drive slowly in the passing lane. (Seriously, can’t you see that you’re screwing up traffic?)
  • I will make Bigfoot the official bird of Pennsylvania. (Of course it makes no sense!)
  • I will open a tattoo parlor and I will tattoo people with dreadful incompetence and when they complain, I’ll just say, “I’m not really a tattoo artist am I?”
  • I’ll put wifi in every building in the state, but only I will know the password.
  • Every hour of the day will be happy hour.
  • Every first born child will be named Finster–boy or girl.
  • My daughter, Finster, shall be referred to as The Prodigiously Powerful Princess of Pennsylvania. (Her close friends will call her Sally.)
  • I shall deal with any person who says “lol” out loud in lieu of actual laughter, with an iron fist.
  • I will have an iron fist constructed.
  • I will seize control of the Amish Mafia. (And they can’t stop me–I’ll have an iron fist.)
  • Every road leading into Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Foreplay Avenue.
  • Every road leading from Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Faked Orgasm Avenue.
  • And most crucially: Ground Hog Day will be replaced with Red Panda Day. (Red Pandas aren’t afraid of their shadows, they pee on them.)

If all goes well, I may annex West Virginia.

cardinal

West Virginia’s state bird…for now.

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Poop Flinging Monkeys and Origami Condoms

monkey throwing poop

He’s right-handed–make a note of that.

A while back I wrote a post entitled, What the Hell is Going on, detailing the National Institute of Health’s spending of $3.8 million to make monkeys alcoholic. (The amount spent on monkey rehab is still unreported.)

The Daily Mail has now reported another list of bizarre NIH spending:

$2.4 million dollars to develop an ‘origami’ condom.

I’ve always felt the biggest problem with condoms is that they’re not in the shape of a swan. They’re just too easy to use; stopping to remove the condom from its package, and apply it without losing the ‘moment’ is just too simple; why not also have to fold it into shape of dragon.

$939,000 dollars to determine that male fruit flies prefer younger female fruit flies.

Researchers have determined that this is caused by drop in hormone levels as female fruit flies age, but we know that’s a load of crap.

When you have a 24 hour lifespan, that midlife crisis hits you fast and hits you hard. It’s about noon, you’re flying around a waste basket containing discarded apple cores, when it hits you: my life is half over and I haven’t even had lunch yet.

You buy an unpractical sports car, start dressing inappropriately for your age, you get a couple of piercings and a tattoo that reads: forever young.

You dump your twelve-hour old wife for a nubile six-hour old.

You’re balding, you have a paunch, your behavior is embarrassing, and tomorrow you’ll be dead.

I believe my assessment to be more accurate, and it cost $939,000 less.

$592,000 dollars to determine that chimpanzees with the best poop flinging skills are also the best communicators.

I think I can write without fear of contradiction: if you address someone by slapping a fistful of your feces in their face, you will have effectively gained their undivided attention.

However, be prepared for that person to subsequently communicate their feelings…violently.

$117,000 to learn that most chimps are right-handed.

Couldn’t the researchers from the previous study have just made of note of which hand the chimps were throwing their feces with; if you’re going to do something as important as throwing your feces, you’re not going to do it off-handed.

$325,000 to learn that marriages are happier when wives calm down more quickly during arguments with their husbands.

This is like doing a study to determine that fire is hot.

The real question is why do wives in some marriages calm down more quickly during arguments. I’m willing to bet it’s because husbands in those marriages, during arguments, don’t say things like:

  • I don’t know why you’re acting so crazy.
  • I think you’re overreacting to that remark about your acting crazy.
  • Can’t this wait until the game’s over.
  • Who cares what your friends think; it’s my opinion that matters.
  • Sure those jeans make you look fat. Bit if I wanted a skinny wife, I would have married your sister.

This study also showed that marriages were completely unaffected when the husbands were the ones who became calm more quickly. This just proves two things that everybody already knew:

  1. Women just want men to understand why they’re upset and empathize with them.
  2. Men don’t care; we just want to drink beer and watch football without all the noise.

$832,000 went to learn if it was possible to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

Note: is this what the couples in the previous study were arguing about? Because that would make sense to me.

Let’s be clear about this.

This wasn’t an attempt to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

This was a study to learn if it was ‘possible’ to get uncircumcised South African tribesmen into the habit of washing their genitals after having sex.

Let me save you $832,000: yes it’s possible.

Anything is possible. It’s possible to be struck by lightning. It’s possible or win the lottery. It’s possible that I’ll grow to like mimes.

Note: You’re thinking that last one isn’t possible. If you gave me $832,000 to like mimes; I would like me some mimes.

And how do they know uncircumcised South African tribesmen don’t wash their genitals after sex? It feels like something creepy has been going on there.

Note: perhaps uncircumcised South African tribesman would be more conscientious of genital hygiene if they didn’t have to fold their condoms into the shape of a chrysanthemum. Chrysanthemums are freaking hard. Read more…

Elizabeth Gomez: Inappropriate Sentiments for Greeting Cards

I find all of these to be completely appropriate.

Drinkers with Writing Problems

  1. Birthday: It’s Your Birthday…I slept with your grandmother. We’re getting married.

  2. I’m Sorry: For sleeping with your grandmother, marrying her, and stealing away your inheritance. Love from Cabo!

  3. Anniversary: Happy Anniversary to the Man I Love…I hope my husband never finds out. LOL!

  4. Happy Easter: Praise be to the Lord, He has Risen…ALL LAMBS SHOULD DIE! Then sprinkle with rosemary and thyme for a delicious dinner celebrating Christ.

  5. Congratulations: You’ve graduated high school!…Now, try to get through college without a cocaine addiction.

  6. Thank You: Thank You…for giving me something that will be in next month’s yard sale.

  7. New Baby: God has blessed you with a baby…Let’s hope your wife doesn’t drown it.

  8. Get Well Soon: May God bless you with a speedy recovery…but then I hope you get hit by a car when you leave the hospital because I love watching you suffer.

  9. Thinking of You: I’ve been thinking of…

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King of Pennsylvania

kings crownToday is election day across the country. Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes today I will become king of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

I must admit, there has been some opposition to the prospect of my becoming king of Pennsylvania. You could even categorize some of the opposition as extremely heavy.

I would be a kind and benevolent king. Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed; mostly bureaucrats and slack-jawed neighbors who live across the street.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of ridiculous reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of Pennsylvania. They carelessly throw around phrases like maniacally unhinged and dangerously unbalanced.

They offer proof such as:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • My plans for a castle with a moat and turrets for canons would violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • My plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put canons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with canons. (This one is fair–I would lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against New York State. (King Cuomo and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plan to change Ground Hog Day to Red Panda Day.
  • They say my plans to turn the entire city of Erie into a maximum security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these point are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

So get out there vote.

Note: My previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure. Hopefully, this one fairs better.

I still don’t understand why my slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day initiative failed. Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face–and there should be a day for it. 

A Simple Solution

bad neighbors

The neighbors from across the street.

Do you have neighborhood kids whose typical daily behavior allows you to describe them, without fear of gratuity or contradiction, as vicious rampaging beasts?

Do you have neighborhood kids who trample your rose bushes?

Do you have neighborhood kids who kick over your garden gnomes and pee on them?

Of course you do.

Do you also have slack-jawed dull-witted neighbors who sit on their front porch all day and intently watch everything you do as they suck down bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and smoke hand rolled cigarettes?

Do these neighbors frequently come over to your house to complains about things?

Do they complain that the squirrels living in the pine tree in your backyard make too much noise with their incessant chittering?

Do they complain that these squirrels keep dropping pine cones into their yard in a defiant and cocky manner?

Do they also claim the squirrels are stealing their mail and even responding to some of it?

Do you have neighbors who have done an enormous amount of hallucinogenic drugs in their life?

Of course you do.

Are sick of buying raffle tickets every time someone in town wants to send their kid to cheerleader camp?

How many camps does it take to learn to be cheery?!

I have a simple solution to your problem: a moat!

For only $99.99 you can receive a complete do it yourself moat installation kit.

The kit includes:

  • A shovel.
  • A garden hose.
  • A piranha starter kit. (One male and one female…hopefully, it’s hard to tell.)
  • Detailed instructions on how to properly use a shovel and a hose without inadvertently trapping yourself in a mud filled hole…it happens to people!

And when you’re not using the shovel to dig the moat, it can be effectively used to whomp undesirable visitors over the head. (You’ll probably have to deal with some mealy-mouthed guy from the borough, droning on and on about what residential properties are or aren’t zoned for.)

So order now and you too can know the security of your own moat!

Drawbridge not included.

shovel

Handy tool/effective head whomper.

Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

Gladys_KravitzMembers of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t…

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Seriously, I Don’t Want to Dance

the office dancing

Do you really want David Brent as a role model?

It would seem not everyone got the message the first time this post was published. So here it is again–soak it in.

Why is this world polluted with people who are determined to make me dance? Loud, pushy, abrasive, overbearing, manipulative, overlords of what is or is not judged to be enjoyable. People who won’t take no for an answer. People who believe they have a better grasp of what’s in my brain than I do.

What I say: I don’t want to dance.

What they hear: I pretend I don’t want to dance, but secretly, it’s my deepest yearning. If it weren’t for debilitating fear and self-loathing, I’d be out on the dance floor right now, living the dream.

What I say: seriously, I don’t want to dance.

What they hear: if only there were some loud, pushy, abrasive, overbearing, manipulative, overlord of what is or is not judged to be enjoyable, to goad and badger me into doing what I’ve secretly always wanted to do anyway.

What I say: get away from me you drooling half-wit.

What they hear: grab my arm like a slack-jawed oaf, and physically drag me onto the dance floor.

I am not responsible for anything that happens from that moment forward. I am certain the person who coined the phrase, “justifiable homicide” was just some poor fellow who earnestly didn’t want to dance.

Note: I’m sure when his jaw is no longer wired shut, the person described in the scenario above, will apologize to me.

Let’s make one thing clear: just because you like a certain thing, it doesn’t follow that every other human should also like that thing. Loads of different people like loads of different things.

Jeffrey Dahmer quite enjoyed killing people, hacking them up, eating them, and stowing the leftovers in his freezer. I can write with a relative degree of certainty, most human beings wouldn’t much care for that.

I have never once thought to myself: killing people, hacking them up, eating them, and stowing the leftovers in my freezer, seems like a horrific and frankly evil thing to do…but Jeffrey Dahmer thought it was a lovely thing to do. Perhaps I’m looking at this all backwards. I’ve got plenty of room in my freezer, and there are several acquaintances in my sphere of influence I could readily live without (mostly the few who try to make me dance).

If only the local learning annex offered some course on beginner cannibalism. It’s all scrapbooking this and scrapbooking that, down at that place.

And I don’t need to be the center of attention to enjoy myself–in fact, it’s preferable not to be.

Just because I’m not standing on a chair, singing Love Shack at the top of my lungs, juggling shot-glasses, while I wildly thrust my hips into the air in a suggestive manner, doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself.

I don’t see life through the same self-absorbed prism as you.

You imagine I’m thinking: if only I could summon the courage, that would be me on that chair.

When I’m really thinking: if only I could summon the courage, I would kick that chair from under that jackasses feet. That would make me smile.

Also, don’t tell me to smile.

I smile plenty.

I smile when it’s appropriate.

I smile when I’m happy, when I’m with my friends, when something good happens.

I smile when a jackass falls from his chair and shot-glasses cascade across his face.

Note: sometimes I summon the courage.

People who go around smiling for no apparent reason are mental. I am not mental (fingers crossed).

crazy smile

This is how you appear to the rest of the world.

Being a naturally quiet person or an introvert is not a problem that needs to be fixed–just leave me be.

What the Hell?

The following search terms popped up on search terms page in this order:

  • fat naked hillbillies
  • floppy breasted women
  • what mushrooms not to eat out of cow poop

What the hell is wrong with you people?

And more importantly: what’s wrong with me that those search terms direct people to this blog?

mushrooms

Dig in.

Idiotprufs’ Tips for Halloween

jack-o-lanternIt’s the time of the year for spooks, goblins, witches, monsters, ghouls, and all manner of beastly and horrifying creatures…but enough about your family reunion, this post is about tips for Halloween.

Halloween Tip #1

When you’re carving your jack-o-lantern, you should try your best not cut your thumb off. But if you do happen to sever a digit: use it. Your jack-o-lantern covered with blood spatter and with a severed thumb next to it will be the hit of the neighborhood.

Halloween Tip #2

Don’t cheap out on the treats. You don’t want to be that person in the neighborhood who passes out pennies or walnuts or apples. Have you ever been pelted in the face with pennies or walnuts or apples? It stings. 

Remember: other people’s children are all dull-witted potato-faced monsters who belong in juvie, (your children, however, are precious) don’t give them a reason to egg your house.

And don’t be that guy that gives out toothbrushes; you’re just asking for house to be burned down.

Halloween Tip #3

If some of those rapscallion neighborhood kids should decide to play tricks on you regardless of the generosity of your treat giving, you need to be prepared.

There are dozens of tactics I could advise, but it really condenses to three simple words: release the hounds.

Halloween Tip #4

Always keep a good lawyer on retainer. (See Halloween Tip #3.)

Halloween Tip #5

Have no regrets.

It’s the day after Halloween and you’re cleaning egg from the side of your house, (next year those little dull-witted potato-faced monsters are getting pennies) and the lawsuits are already going forward. (See Halloween Tip #3 again.) 

You try to text your friend about your troubles, but you find texting is just one of the many things that is much more difficult without a thumb. While your severed thumb looked great next to the jack-0-lantern, a crow flew away with it almost immediately so really didn’t get the full benefit the effect. 

Halloween Tip #6

Screw Halloween.

trick or treaters

Next year you little dull-witted potato-faced monsters are getting pennies.

 

Glass Houses

glass houseI’ve heard the saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Why do live in a glass house to begin with? It seems to me if you live in a glass house your decision making capabilities are already in question.

Do you know how hard it is to insure a house that’s made of glass? Of course you don’t–you not foolish to live in a glass house.

All it takes is one snot-nosed neighbor kid with slingshot to cause catastrophic damage. (I’m looking at you Gerald.)

And forget about throwing stones, if you live in a glass house you shouldn’t be engaging in any activity of questionable behavior; everyone can see what you’re doing.

Those slack-jawed neighbors that live across the street, sitting on their front steps all day, smoking cigarettes and sucking down Beer brand beer, already seem to know everything you do. Just imagine if you lived in a glass house.

What kind of weird and disgusting behavior do you think those people have going on in their house? You don’t know because they don’t live in a glass house.

What a stupid saying.

glass houses

My apologies to anyone who came to this post searching for information about the Billy Joel album Glass Houses. To everyone else: I just apologize in general.

 

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