The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Your Children are Loud, Sticky, and Gross

bratty child

Your child in one of her calmer moments.

Your children are loud, sticky, and gross.

So don’t vilify me just because I don’t want to hear your children, see them, smell them, or be in their general vicinity. And I certainly don’t want to touch them–unnecessary and unwanted touching is precisely how the Black Plague proliferated. Flea-infested diseased riddled rats have taken the blame for far too long–it was filthy little children like yours.

And don’t try to tell me I should treasure your children’s presence because all children are precious. So is uranium and I don’t want to be around that.

Let’s Compare: it causes weakness, fatigue, fainting, and confusion. Bleeding from the nose, mouth, gums, and rectum. Bruising, skin burns, open sores on the skin, and sloughing of skin. Dehydration. Diarrhea and bloody stool. Fever. Hair loss. Nausea and vomiting. Organ failure and even death.

Uranium causes many of those same things.

Uranium, however, doesn’t scream like a psychotic brat at the top of its lungs because you didn’t give it an extra piece of fudge–uranium knows it’s already had enough and so should its mother.

So you and your precious children: just leave me be.

Addendum:ย If you believe there is the tiniest shred of a chance this post is referring to you and your children–it is!


If you need someone to watch your uranium or your children–I’ll take the uranium.

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16 thoughts on “Your Children are Loud, Sticky, and Gross

  1. You should meet my son (age 22). You guys have obviously been around the same kids


  2. So, both children and uranium are radioactive. Is there a way to harness children to produce energy and reduce our carbon footprint?


  3. Oh dear! I thought I loved children. I’m having second third and fourth thoughts now!!
    Uranium sounds the better deal!!
    Hilarious post!! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜


  4. Yeah, I have a couple of weapons-grade bundles of joy.


  5. I have three little uraniums and I totally agree with you. I don’t care to be around anyone else’s and I surely don’t expect anyone to be around mine.


  6. Tal Hartsfeld on said:

    I’m a lifelong single, no children.
    But I still have to go out in public just the same. And, with most everyone else having (or having had) kids, well …

    …oh, and what about immature adults?


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