Squire Sebastian Senator
A woman has recently cancelled a baby shower because her family and friends are less than fully supportive of her choice of names for the child.
I personally find it reprehensible for a person’s loved ones not to be fully supportive, regardless of how ridiculous this woman’s choice of names may be.
Sure, her choice–Squire Sebastian Senator–is a bit odd, but just think of the character her son will develop by being repeatedly beaten as a child.
What kind of heartless animals are this woman’s family and friends.
She posted the following statement to Facebook:
“Dear Members of the Squire Sebastian Senator baby shower. I have a really important announcement to make. It brings me pain to have to tell you this, but I am cancelling the event.”
Exactly what I would do. Screw all those people who want to give you a bunch of free stuff; a baby doesn’t need things like diapers or clothes or formula, when he has such a regal sounding name.
Her post went on to read:
“Y’all have been talking s— about my unborn baby. AN UNBORN CHILD. How can you judge an unborn child??”
Some of you might argue that people aren’t talking shit about the child as much as they’re talking shit the THE UNBORN BABY’S batshit crazy mother. Well, you people disgust me.
Her post continued:
“He will not be allowed to have a nickname, he is to be called by his full and complete first name…”
You may thinking the child will receive nicknames regardless of the mother wishes. Nicknames such as:
- The Kid Who Gets Punched A Lot
- Crazy Ladies Kid
- Squire Sebastian Stupid-Face
- Squire of Turdville
- The Kid Who Runs Away From Home A Lot
The woman defended her choice, claiming her family is descended from a long line of “both squires and senators.”
She went on to write:
“If you look back in our family tree, the survival of this clan is literally rooted in squiredom. We are all related to senators too. This name conveys power. It conveys wealth. It conveys success.”
I wholehearted agree with this assessment; I am overwhelmed by its undeniable brilliance.
You may be thinking that while the survival of this woman’s clan is literally rooted in squiredom, the child’s survival will be literally rooted in his ability to runaway very quickly from other children throwing rocks. Shame on you.
I wish I had a name like Squire Sebastian Senator. My name is Larry; its sheer boringness has crippled me.
I applaud this woman and I hope she has a dozen more kids, all named as regally as Squire Sebastian Senator.
Godspeed good woman.
Addendum: I’m considering having my name legally changed to Lord Larry Legislator. Then I can just sit back and wait for the power, wealth, and success to start rolling in.