idiotpruf

Experts

Ours is a nation whose shores are teeming with experts. They are vital to our existence. We could barely function on a daily basis if not for these titans of knowledge, and purveyors of wisdom.

We know these things because it’s what they tell us.

We expect our experts to tell us much, and much they tell us:

• They tell us what to do.
• They tell us what not to do.
• They tell us what to think.
• They tell us what not to think.
• They tell us where we should go.
• They tell us where we shouldn’t go.
• They tell us not to be long-winded.
• But they use a lot of words to tell us.
• They tell us not to be abrupt.
• But they say it very abruptly.
• They tell us not to make things too complicated.
• They tell us not to make things too simple.
• They tell us how simple it is to not make things complicated.
• But they tell us in way that’s really complicated.
• They tell us what to say.
• They tell us what not to say.
• They tell us not to pronounce the T in the word often.
• But when they tell us, they pronounce the T in the word often.
• And they do it often.
• They tell us not to interrupt people.
• But they interrupt to tell us.
• They tell us what to write.
• They tell us what not to write.
• They tell us not to end a sentence with a preposition.
• But you can end a sentence with the word preposition.
• You can do it twice in a row.
• They tell us what to eat.
• They tell us what not to eat.
• They tell us how long to boil an egg.
• They tell us how long not boil an egg.
• Don’t boil eggs–poach them!
• Stop! Eggs are bad for you.
• Now they’re not.
• Now they are again.
• Now they’re not again, as long as you don’t put salt on them; salt is very bad for you.
• Now salt isn’t bad for you.
• Now it is again.
• They tell us not be contradictory.
• They tell us not to be smug.
• But they’re really smug about it.
• They tell us what to read.
• They tell us what not to read.
• Starting with seemingly endless and annoying lists.
• They tell us how to feel.
• They tell us how not to feel.
• When we feel miserable, they tell us why we feel miserable.
• When we don’t feel miserable, they tell us why we should feel miserable.
• When we feel happy, they knock some sense into us, so we can get back to the business of feeling miserable.
• They tell us what to do to avoid death.
• When we do what they say and die anyway, they tell our relatives why it wasn’t their fault.
• And they demonstrate to us the importance of employing high-powered lawyers, in the event that some people actually follow their advice.

If not for the tireless work of experts, how many of us would still be living under the dark veil of happiness.

It must be exhausting being an expert.

If you should happen to see an expert on the street today, be sure to stop and give them a heartfelt thank you.

If you don’t know how to properly give a heartful thank you: ask the expert, they’ll know.