Exploding Vacuum Cleaners and the Great Carpet Fire
Accidents happen. Things explode. Things catch on fire–it’s inevitable really.
It shouldn’t be a big deal.
But evidently it is a big deal to some people.
It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor.
It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to be ill-tempered.
It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to say angry hurtful things.
It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor, a tendency to be ill-tempered, and to say angry hurtful things.
It’s a big deal to people who have high-pitched, squeaky, cartoon-rodent voices.
It’s a big deal.
There were valuable lessons learned the day of the exploding vacuüm cleaner and the great carpet fire:
- The average household vacuüm cleaner was not designed to pick up paperclips.
- Attempting to pick up paperclips with an average household vacuüm cleaner might cause it to explode.
- When the vacuüm cleaner you’re using begins to make a high-pitched whining sound, don’t ignore it.
- When the high-pitched whining sound starts making the neighbors dog bark, don’t ignore it
- If you’re thinking to yourself, this thing sounds like it’s about to explode, it probably is.
- An exploding vacuüm cleaner sends a thick cloud of smoke and dust into the air like a mini-volcano.
- Commenting to the vacuüm cleaner’s owner that it looked really cool when it exploded, like a mini-volcano, does not help the situation.
- An exploding vacuüm cleaner creates an enormous mess while simultaneously removing your ability to clean up that enormous mess.
- An exploding vacuüm cleaner might also burst into flames.
- A burning vacuüm cleaner will probably set the carpet on fire.
- A carpet fire will probably set off the smoke alarm.
- Smoke alarms are obnoxiously loud.
- A blaring smoke alarm will bring the vacuüm cleaners owner running into the room.
- A contentious conversation might result with the squeaky-voiced owner of the vacuüm cleaner.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is my smoke alarm going off?
Fire-starter: Probably because of all the smoke in the room.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the room full of smoke?
Fire-starter: It probably came from the carpet fire.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the carpet on fire?
Fire-starter: It must have spread from the vacuüm cleaner.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the vacuüm cleaner on fire?
Fire-starter: It caught on fire after it exploded.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why did it exploded?
Fire-starter: Act of God?
Squeaky-voiced Owner: It sounds more the act of an idiot.
Fire-Starter: I turned it on and it just burst into flames.
Squeaky-voiced Owner: It just burst into flames?
Fire-starter: Crazy isn’t it? There should be a clearly defined label that reads: Warning, use may cause detonation.
Squeaky-voiced owner: You must think I’m the biggest moron on the face of the planet.
Fire-starter: Not the whole planet.
Squeaky-voiced owner: (Silent staring, and in a really creepy frightening way.)
Fire-starter: You know, if you cleaned more often, I wouldn’t have to…
Squeaky-voiced owner: (Censored for filth and because it was really hurtful.)
Fire-starter: That’s not a real word, and a human isn’t physically capable of doing it.
Squeaky-voiced owner: Let’s find out.
There was one more important lesson learned: the phrase “some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” does not always apply.