idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “smoke alarm”

Exploding Vacuum Cleaners and the Great Carpet Fire

It’s happened to everyone hasn’t it? Throughout the course of your life at some point or another, you are going to set somebody’s carpet on fire.

Accidents happen. Things explode. Things catch on fire–it’s inevitable really.

It shouldn’t be a big deal.

But evidently it is a big deal to some people.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to be ill-tempered.

It’s a big deal to people who have a tendency to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have no sense of humor, a tendency to be ill-tempered, and to say angry hurtful things.

It’s a big deal to people who have high-pitched, squeaky, cartoon-rodent voices.

It’s a big deal.

There were valuable lessons learned the day of the exploding vacuüm cleaner and the great carpet fire:

  • The average household vacuüm cleaner was not designed to pick up paperclips.
  • Attempting to pick up paperclips with an average household vacuüm cleaner might cause it to explode.
  • When the vacuüm cleaner you’re using begins to make a high-pitched whining sound, don’t ignore it.
  • When the high-pitched whining sound starts making the neighbors dog bark, don’t ignore it
  • If you’re thinking to yourself, this thing sounds like it’s about to explode, it probably is.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner sends a thick cloud of smoke and dust into the air like a mini-volcano.
  • Commenting to the vacuüm cleaner’s owner that it looked really cool when it exploded, like a mini-volcano, does not help the situation.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner creates an enormous mess while simultaneously removing your ability to clean up that enormous mess.
  • An exploding vacuüm cleaner might also burst into flames.
  • A burning vacuüm cleaner will probably set the carpet on fire.
  • A carpet fire will probably set off the smoke alarm.
  • Smoke alarms are obnoxiously loud.
  • A blaring smoke alarm will bring the vacuüm cleaners owner running into the room.
  • A contentious conversation might result with the squeaky-voiced owner of the vacuüm cleaner.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is my smoke alarm going off?

Fire-starter: Probably because of all the smoke in the room.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the room full of smoke?

Fire-starter: It probably came from the carpet fire.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the carpet on fire?

Fire-starter: It must have spread from the vacuüm cleaner.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why is the vacuüm cleaner on fire?

Fire-starter: It caught on fire after it exploded.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: Why did it exploded?

Fire-starter: Act of God?

Squeaky-voiced Owner: It sounds more the act of an idiot.

Fire-Starter: I turned it on and it just burst into flames.

Squeaky-voiced Owner: It just burst into flames?

Fire-starter: Crazy isn’t it? There should be a clearly defined label that reads: Warning, use may cause detonation.

Squeaky-voiced owner: You must think I’m the biggest moron on the face of the planet.

Fire-starter: Not the whole planet.

Squeaky-voiced owner: (Silent staring, and in a really creepy frightening way.)

Fire-starter: You know, if you cleaned more often, I wouldn’t have to…

Squeaky-voiced owner: (Censored for filth and because it was really hurtful.)

Fire-starter: That’s not a real word, and a human isn’t physically capable of doing it.

Squeaky-voiced owner: Let’s find out.

 

There was one more important lesson learned: the phrase “some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” does not always apply.

You think this is scary? Just let me near your vacuum cleaner.

Drew Barrymore gets it.

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Smoke Alarms, Bird Crap, and a Nobel Prize

smoke alarmWhich situation makes you feel worse: inadvertently setting off another person’s smoke alarm, or being crapped on by a bird?

I know you’re thinking those things seem random, but if you’re reading this blog, thinking probably isn’t something you’re suited for.

As a small child I decided it would be the height of scientific experimentation to melt Play-Doh in a frying pan–I was mistaken. Both my mother and the smoke alarm informed of this.

My ticket to scientific discovery.

That was the first time I accidentally set off a smoke alarm.

The second time I was using someone’s vacuum cleaner when it inexplicably exploded and caught on fire. It seemed to me to be an act of God–she said it the act of an idiot. The smoke alarm was the second loudest thing I heard that day.

Note: Seriously, if a vacuum cleaner isn’t capable of picking up paperclips, it should be clearly labeled so. And since when has carpeting been so flammable.

The third time I accidentally set off a smoke alarm, I was starting a fire in a fireplace. I was told the flue was open–it was not.

The amount of times I set off someone’s smoke alarm: three.

When I was about ten years old, I was playing tag with some of my cousins in my grandfather’s hay loft. I felt a slap on my back, but when I turned around there was nobody behind me. I thought this was weird until someone pointed out to me-in between fits of hysterical laughter-that there was a giant load of bird crap on my back of my jacket.

That was the first time a bird crapped on me.

The second time a bird crapped on me, I was playing baseball and the bird crap landed in my baseball glove. I was always an intuitive fielder.

The third time a bird crapped on me, I was walking down the street, and it landed on my shoulder.

The fourth time a bird crapped on me, I was walking down a street called Sesame, when a giant yellow bird came flying at me squawking in crazy high pitched voice and crapping–it was horrible.

Note: that didn’t really happen–I made it up.

big bird

He has crazy eyes.

The fourth time a bird crapped on me it landed on my baseball cap. I don’t remember where I was; I just remember it hanging from the bill of my cap.

The amount of times a bird has crapped on me: four.

By a ratio of 4:3 I’ve been crapped on by a bird more times than I’ve accidentally set off a smoke alarm.

My hypothesis: if you’ve been crapped on by a bird more times than you’ve accidentally set off someone’s smoke alarm: you’re unlucky. If you’ve accidentally set off someone’s smoke alarm more times than you’ve been crapped on by a bird: you’re klutzy.

Therefore: I am unlucky and not klutzy.

Don’t laugh–it’s science.

Do the math for yourself; you’ll see that I’m right.

Now I just have to sit back and wait to hear from the Nobel committee.

nobel prize

It won’t be long now.

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