idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “dumbass”

Lady Bigfoot Responds to Allegation of Floppy Breasts

bigfoot boobs idiotprufs

Lady Bigfoot: upset about the allegation of floppy breasts.

In a recent post, Bursting With Pride in the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I shared a few tips from the Facebook page of a group devoted to Bigfoot hunting. The page’s creator, John Reed, related the following tips if you should happen to find yourself face to face with a Sasquatch:

“bigfoot tip #1 when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.” He adds, “if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..”

So the first time I read this, I had a number of thoughts:

  1. Yikes.
  2. Doesn’t Facebook have spell check?
  3. Yikes again.
  4. Judging by the contents of the Facebook page, this guy probably hasn’t been anywhere near female breasts of any type for quite some time.
  5. Seriously, yikes.
  6. Shouldn’t you actually find a Bigfoot before you worry about being chased by one?
  7. I cannot overstate this: yikes.
  8. I wonder what a Lady Bigfoot would think about this?

The verdict is in: Lady Bigfoot is pissed. She is so upset, she is setting aside her reclusive nature to come forward and address the comments made on the Facebook page. In an Idiotprufs exclusive, she has agreed to sit down with me to discuss it.

Idiotprufs: So, what are your thoughts on the tips John Reed gave his Facebook followers?

Lady Bigfoot: First, of course I don’t have a bra. Where would I get a bra?

Idiotprufs: From a clothesline?

Lady Bigfoot: Do I look like a thief to you?

Idiotprufs: No ma’am.

Lady Bigfoot: What do you think would happen if were to stroll into Victoria’s Secret looking for a bra?

Idiotprufs: I don’t know.

Lady Bigfoot: People would panic. People would scream and run away. Hysterical women would call me a monster, and blast me in the face with pepper spray. Men with tranquilizer guns would show up and put me down like I was a lowly bear. They would lock me in a cage, and poke and prod at me. That’s what would happen.

Idiotprufs: Wow, that is eerily similar to my experience at Victoria’s Secret, but for completely different reasons.

Lady Bigfoot: (Glares at me.)

Idiotprufs: Sorry, continue.

Lady Bigfoot: Second, these breasts don’t need a bra; they are plenty firm. Go ahead and feel them.

Idiotprufs: Oh I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Lady Bigfoot: Really I insist.

Idiotprufs: I don’t think I…

Lady Bigfoot: Feel my breasts or I will rip your arms off and beat you to death with them!

Idiotprufs: Yes ma’am.

Lady Bigfoot: What do you think?

Idiotprufs: I think this is the most uncomfortable moment of my life.

Lady Bigfoot: (Growls at me)

Idiotprufs: They are very firm. They’re more hairy than I’m used to…but sadly not by much.

Lady Bigfoot: You let your millions of viewers know the truth about my breasts.

Idiotprufs: Millions of viewers?

Lady Bigfoot: You’re Maury Povich aren’t you?

Idiotprufs: Uhsure why not.

Lady Bigfoot: I have to get home; Bigfoot will be waiting for supper, and those grubs and berries won’t gather themselves.

Idiotprufs: That sounds nice.

Lady Bigfoot: It’s not nice; grubs are disgusting. Unfortunately it’s impossible to a get a pizza delivered to your home when your address reads: behind a rock in the woods.

Idiotprufs: I’m sorry. Thank you for your time.

Lady Bigfoot: It was my pleasure…idiot.

As you can see John Reed’s tips are simply ridiculous; if a female Bigfoot is chasing you, just compliment her breasts.

Maury Povich, bigfoot, boobs,

Maury may have never done a show about Lady Bigfoot boobs, but it’s right in his wheelhouse.

 

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Fat Hairy Hillbillies: Even More Weird Search Terms

search, idiotprufsIt’s time for another edition of weird search terms.

As always, these are all search terms exactly as they appear on my stats page.

fat hairy hillbillies   I’m just relieved the word nude wasn’t included in this search term.

gator boots for job interviews  The reason I didn’t get that job with PETA–and why I got banned from their building.

confused idiot  I wasn’t confused, the gator boots were a fashion choice.

interview idiots job  I didn’t get the job, you don’t have to rub it in.

high ronald mcdonald  Why I was fired from McDonalds.

what happens when rats eat mcdonalds  Those rats were real? I thought it was a hallucination.

chigger bites on testicles embarrassing story  Is it embarrassing for you, or for the chigger?

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally someone is addressing this?

very very surprised animal  I’ll bet it was.

hatred of racoons  Maybe if you stopped stretching them, your relations with them would improve.

kissing hand raccoon coloring page  Rabies shots are fun for kids.

saw amish guy buying whole dead racoons  So much for raccoon Glasnost, who would do such a thing?

amish mafia  Enough said.

lyrics beer forklift  The worst polka song ever.

don gay bullridieng with band the rodeo clown  The worst country song ever.

stressed out stick people  You’d be stressed out too, if you had no discernible genitals

the little mermaid is a idiot  That should read: an idiot. Who’s the idiot now?

Bigfoot’s an idiot  Do you only pick on mythological creatures?

Justin Beiber does idiotic things  Still mythological.

tatoo idiocy  Seriously, he lived on Fantasy Island, why didn’t he just ask to be taller?

Tattoo from Fantasy Island

Come on Mr. Roarke, do a guy a favor.

punch an idiot in the face day  This isn’t a real thing, but it really ought to be.

throwing shit on a idiot  Now that’s going too far.

my idiot neighbor  But maybe not.

idiot names for garden gnomes  Now you have me convinced.

klingon word for sorry  There is no Klingon word for sorry, but there are 58 ways to say: still a virgin.

idiot klingon  I would say I’m sorry, but there’s no word for it.

hiccup erection It’s the last time I take Viagra to get rid of hiccups.

penis hysterical  It is a little funny.

can your esophagus explode  I wouldn’t have thought so, but then again I didn’t know anything about the hiccup erections either.

kermit the frog lady gaga  Hollywood’s new power couple.

lady gaga’s costume designer  Disapproves of her relationship with Kermit.

lady gaga, kermit the frog

Hi-Ho, I’m Kermit The Frog–help me please!

vegans won’t leave me alone  It is your bane, Mr. Potato Head.

Kim Goodman  No joke here, just a chance to show this freaky picture again.

kimberly goodman

Kimberly Goodman is in the Guinness Book of World Records for…whatever the hell this is.

Kimberly goodman guidance counselor  Would you take her career advice?

sent to the high school guidance counselor for disturbing thoughts  Unfortunately the guidance counselor was fresh out of disturbing thoughts.

nail penetration into the testicles  There you go. (Aren’t you glad I don’t have an image for this?)

she super glued breast on me  I don’t know how I would react to seeing that.

long hard stare  That would probably be it.

disturbing question  Such as?

do they use cow poop when making limburger cheese  Why would you ask that?

my wifes feet smell like limburger cheese  Oh.

why cheese makes me immediately vomit  It’s probably that thing with your wife’s feet. Just try to hold it in.

bald guy vomiting cheese  Too late.

can i borrowa cup of cocaine?”-y  It seems like you’ve already had enough.

mice butterworth  A favorite pancake topping of cats everywhere.

felt french fries  A favorite appetizer of Muppets everywhere.

tye domi  Tie Domi will beat the crap out of you for misspelling his name.

tie domi

“It’s three freaking letters.”

personal check grim reaper  How inconvenient is it when the Grim Reaper only takes cash?

where do you place the key in the ignition for John  Shouldn’t John know? What’s the word for a question like this?

the word stupid  There it is.

http://www.Dailymail.uk.co  My blog is very similar to the Daily Mail, of course I don’t have any photos of Rihanna’s nude butt or Kate Upton topless. I’m starting to see why my blog isn’t more popular.

French Fxxxxxx Idiot  How did you know I was French?

Humor blog WordPress  At least Google gets me.

5 things the mayans got wrong 

  1. The world will end in 2012.
  2. A movie will be made about 2012 starring a man named John Cusack; it will considered a cinematic masterpiece.
  3. A man named Albert Einstein will invent the ShamWow and become filthy rich.
  4. Man will find irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
  5. These Spanish conquistadors seem nice; nothing bad could possible result from our relationship with them.

current news on bigfoot 2014  The Mayans were wrong.

boy riding a unicorn  My next tattoo.

something disturbing on my penis  I didn’t say where that tattoo was going to be.

happy face idiot  My new Facebook status.

big stupid smiley face  Scratch that, this is my new Facebook status.

top 1 the most sexyman intheworld  This is my new Facebook status.

Sham Wow

The Mayans often referred to Albert Einstein as Chief.

 

 

 

“Experts”

expertOurs is a nation whose shores are teeming with experts. They are vital to our existence. We could barely function on daily basis if not for these titans of knowledge, and purveyors of wisdom. We know these things because it’s what they tell us.

We expect much of our experts, and they tell us much:

  • They tell us what to do.
  • They tell us what not to do.
  • They tell us what to think.
  • They tell us what not to think.
  • They tell us where we should go.
  • They tell us where we shouldn’t go.
  • They tell us what we should or shouldn’t be thinking, while doing what we should or shouldn’t be doing, on way to somewhere we should or shouldn’t be going.
  • They tell us not to be long winded.
  • The tell us not to be abrupt.
  • They tell us not to make things too complicated.
  • They tell us not to make things too simple.
  • They tell us what to say.
  • They tell us what not to say.
  • They tell us not to pronounce the T in the word often.
  • But when they tell us, they pronounce the T in the word often.
  • And they do it often.
  • They tell us not to interrupt people.
  • But they interrupt us to tell us.
  • They tell us what to write.
  • They tell us what not to write.
  • They tell us not to end a sentence with a preposition.
  • But you can end a sentence with the word preposition.
  • You can do it twice in a row.
  • They tell us what to eat.
  • What not to eat.
  • How long to boil an egg.
  • How long not boil an egg.
  • Don’t boil eggs–poach them.
  • Stop! Eggs are bad for you.
  • Now they’re not.
  • Now they are again.
  • Now they’re not again, as long as you don’t put salt on them; salt is very bad for you.
  • Now it’s not.
  • They complain constantly about office politics and their pointy-haired boss.  (Sorry, that’s not what experts do–that’s what Dilbert does.)
  • They don’t bother to tell us not to wash our hair with flea and tick shampoo.
  • They assume some people wouldn’t be stupid enough to wash their hair with flea and tick shampoo.
  • They tell us to read labels carefully, so you don’t accidentally cover your head with liquid pesticide.
  • They can bite me.
  • They tell us what to read.
  • They tell us what not to read.
  • Starting with seemingly endless and annoying lists.
  • When we feel miserable, they tell us why we feel miserable.
  • When we don’t feel miserable, they tell us why we should feel miserable.
  • When we feel happy, they knock some sense into us, so we can get back to the business of feeling miserable.
  • They tell us what to do to avoid death.
  • When we do what they say and die anyway, they tell our relatives why it’s not their fault.
  • And they show the importance of employing high powered lawyers, in the event that some people actually follow their advice.

If not for the tireless work of experts, how many of us would still be living under the dark veil of happiness.

Our experts must be totally exhausted.

If should happen to see an expert on the street today, stop and be sure to give him a heartfelt thank you. If you don’t know how to do that: ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you how it should be done.Dilbert. point haired boss

 

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