In a recent post, Bursting With Pride in the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I shared a few tips from the Facebook page of a group devoted to Bigfoot hunting. The page’s creator, John Reed, related the following tips if you should happen to find yourself face to face with a Sasquatch:
“bigfoot tip #1 when being chased by a sasquatch run up hill if its a male .. they have an extended forehead so they have to stop offten to look up.” He adds, “if its a female run down hill they have no bras so they got big ole lady boobs and when running downhill they flop about and they have to stop to plop them over their shoulders…..”
So the first time I read this, I had a number of thoughts:
- Doesn’t Facebook have spell check?
- Yikes again.
- Judging by the contents of the Facebook page, this guy probably hasn’t been anywhere near female breasts of any type for quite some time.
- Seriously, yikes.
- Shouldn’t you actually find a Bigfoot before you worry about being chased by one?
- I cannot overstate this: yikes.
- I wonder what a Lady Bigfoot would think about this?
The verdict is in: Lady Bigfoot is pissed. She is so upset, she is setting aside her reclusive nature to come forward and address the comments made on the Facebook page. In an Idiotprufs exclusive, she has agreed to sit down with me to discuss it.
Idiotprufs: So, what are your thoughts on the tips John Reed gave his Facebook followers?
Lady Bigfoot: First, of course I don’t have a bra. Where would I get a bra?
Idiotprufs: From a clothesline?
Lady Bigfoot: Do I look like a thief to you?
Idiotprufs: No ma’am.
Lady Bigfoot: What do you think would happen if were to stroll into Victoria’s Secret looking for a bra?
Idiotprufs: I don’t know.
Lady Bigfoot: People would panic. People would scream and run away. Hysterical women would call me a monster, and blast me in the face with pepper spray. Men with tranquilizer guns would show up and put me down like I was a lowly bear. They would lock me in a cage, and poke and prod at me. That’s what would happen.
Idiotprufs: Wow, that is eerily similar to my experience at Victoria’s Secret, but for completely different reasons.
Lady Bigfoot: (Glares at me.)
Idiotprufs: Sorry, continue.
Lady Bigfoot: Second, these breasts don’t need a bra; they are plenty firm. Go ahead and feel them.
Idiotprufs: Oh I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Lady Bigfoot: Really I insist.
Idiotprufs: I don’t think I…
Lady Bigfoot: Feel my breasts or I will rip your arms off and beat you to death with them!
Idiotprufs: Yes ma’am.
Lady Bigfoot: What do you think?
Idiotprufs: I think this is the most uncomfortable moment of my life.
Lady Bigfoot: (Growls at me)
Idiotprufs: They are very firm. They’re more hairy than I’m used to…but sadly not by much.
Lady Bigfoot: You let your millions of viewers know the truth about my breasts.
Idiotprufs: Millions of viewers?
Lady Bigfoot: You’re Maury Povich aren’t you?
Idiotprufs: Uh…sure why not.
Lady Bigfoot: I have to get home; Bigfoot will be waiting for supper, and those grubs and berries won’t gather themselves.
Idiotprufs: That sounds nice.
Lady Bigfoot: It’s not nice; grubs are disgusting. Unfortunately it’s impossible to a get a pizza delivered to your home when your address reads: behind a rock in the woods.
Idiotprufs: I’m sorry. Thank you for your time.
Lady Bigfoot: It was my pleasure…idiot.
As you can see John Reed’s tips are simply ridiculous; if a female Bigfoot is chasing you, just compliment her breasts.