Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania were in fact a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.
It seems the road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road; remedying the fact that there wasn’t a gaping hole in the road.
Evidently a PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the typical rumbling and shaking that comes from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stop for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”
The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards that require at least 39% of any 100 foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorist into a pond.
Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renown and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.
“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”
“Blowing **** up is fun,” one the crew members, Don “eight fingers” Smith commented.
The section of Route 5 in question is now completely impassable.
PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.
Underworld–Tensions are rising as unrest is brewing in the Underworld. It seems many are upset over the horrible conditions and perceived inequities.
“Conditions here are just dreadful,” said Sisyphus-one of the more vocal in his protests-straining to talk as he pushed a boulder up a steep hill. “I push this boulder all the way to the top of the hill and then do you know what happens: the boulder just rolls right back to the bottom of the hill and have to push to the top again. It’s what I do: push this boulder up this hill for all eternity…I’ve had to pee for 468 years now.”
“It’s a punishment,” an indignant Hades replied. “Sisyphus was a dreadful person in life; he was a liar, a cheat, a thief, and a murderer. When he first got here, he convinced my lovely and trusting wife Persephone to allow him to return home for three days. He told her he would come right back–he didn’t. Do you know the headache that caused for me…and the extra paperwork.”
“It’s just not fair,” said Hector a denizen of Tartarus, “here in Tartarus it’s all cold, damp, creepy, and there’s spiders everywhere. And they make us do pointless tasks all day–did see Sisyphus and his boulder? Meanwhile over in Elysium it’s all sunshine, picnics, and fields full of flowers…there’s no spiders there.”
“The people in Elysium lived good productive lives,” Hades explained, “the people in Tartarus were lying, slandering, thieving, murderers, many of whom also drove their chariots slowly in the fast lane just to piss people off.”
“I just bring them over the river Styx,” Charon said when asked to comment. “What happens to them when they get here is all Hades.”
“Pass-the-buck-Charon I call him,” Hades said tersely.
“I saw Hercules here the other day,” Hector complained, “he just comes and goes as he pleases; I guess when you’re the illegitimate son of the almighty Zeus you can do whatever you want.”
Hector was immediately struck by a bolt of lightning and attacked by spiders.
“I feel badly for the people stuck in Tartarus,” said the poet Orpheus, a resident of Elysium. “Expect for Hector–he’s a jackass.”
North East, Pa.–The township of North East, Pennsylvania is facing a slip and fall lawsuit following an accident that occurred on township property. It seems a local resident known as Jack suffered a head injury after falling down a hill.
“The village does an absolutely dreadful job of maintaining the path on that hill,” his sister Jill said disgustedly. “We had simply gone up the hill to fetch a pail of water when Jack lost his footing on some loose gravel and tumbled down. I tried to grab him, but then I went tumbling after.”
“You have to be careful when you’re on a hill,” an unsympathetic town official stated. “Besides, that kid is a walking disaster; just last year Jack set himself on fire trying to jump over a candlestick. He thinks he’s nimble. He thinks he’s quick. But he is decidedly neither.”
“He did set himself on fire once,” Jill admitted, “I had to go up the hill by myself to fetch a pail of water just to put him out…what kind of idiot puts a well on a hill anyway?”
“I fell and broke my crown,” was Jack’s only response before adding, “I could see my own brains.”
North East, Pennsylvania–A man was jailed in the town of North East, Pennsylvania after being arrested for suspicious behavior and what the responding officer referred to as, prowling around like weirdo.
The man who has been identified as a Mr. T. Fairy was allegedly trying to gain entry to the residence of the Smith family. “He claims to have had business there,” the arresting officer said.
The man was discovered carrying a satchel of silver dollars and what appeared to be a bag filled with children’s teeth. “A bag of children’s teeth,” said the officer. “How sinister is that?”
The man claims to be the famed Tooth Fairy, but the police have their doubts. “I imagined the Tooth Fairy to be less muscular than this guy, and definitely less tattooed,” one officer commented.
“Everybody just assumes the Tooth Fairy is some petite little woman,” Mr. Fairy said, “but that’s just sexist.”
Investigation has uncovered that little Ronnie Smith had lost a tooth earlier that day when on a dare he tried to eat a brick. “Ronnie is pretty stupid,” his father confirmed.
Adding intrigue to the situation and weight to the man’s story, he was discovered to have wings. “We were fingerprinting him when all of a sudden these wings go fluttering up behind him,” the processing officer said, “that doesn’t normally happen.”
Mr. Fairy is being charged with trespassing and with a little used statute involving activity deemed to be more than a little icky.
“Well, the tooth will come out in the end,” Mr. Fairy said with a chuckle.
Little Ronnie’s lost tooth remains under his pillow, waiting for the Tooth Fairy to make bail.