Another post from Gooferie.
Another post from Gooferie.
Another post from Gooferie.
Members of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.
“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”
Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”
Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t…
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North East, Pa.–Since the first reports of Bigfoot sightings in the small town of North East, Pennsylvania at Speed’eez Sports Bar and Grill, there have been some changes.
It seems his presence has dramatically increased in recent weeks as his wife, Lady Bigfoot, has left him. Evidently she grew weary of his nights of cavorting at Speed’eez, downing 32 ounce mugs of Yuengling Lager, and gorging himself on Buffalo wings, while she was back in the forest, foraging and flipping over dead logs looking for grubs.
“Do you know how much effort it takes to keep your home tidy when you live in the forest?” Lady Bigfoot demanded. “There are bugs everywhere and raccoons get into everything.”
According to reports, Lady Bigfoot’s failing patience was finally exhausted when Bigfoot came home with suspicious blonde hairs stuck to his fur. He claimed the hairs were from a border collie, but that only lead to additional and somewhat disturbing questions.
Reportedly, in the wake of Lady Bigfoot’s departure, Bigfoot’s mood has become dour and he has grown ill-tempered. “He’s always bitching and moaning about something,” one patron of Speed’eez commented, “but you can’t really say anything…he’s so freaking huge.”
The list of things that irritate Bigfoot is myriad and growing:
However, in recent days Bigfoot’s spirits have been buoyed by the arrival of friends. Yeti has made the trip from the Himalayas, and The Skunk Ape has arrived from Florida.
But with the arrival of Bigfoot’s friends, a few problems have arisen.
“The only thing ‘Abominable’ about Yeti are his manners,” one of the bartenders related. “If have to listen to him tell one more story about how much a yak can crap, I’m going to lose it.”
“Of course The Skunk Ape smells horrible,” said a patron named Bob, “but what’s worse…he hogs the jukebox and plays nothing but Steve Perry solo stuff.”
Tensions came to a head when Poe accused Bigfoot of giving him deer ticks. Later that evening Poe was found in the street, stomped into the pavement, and covered with giant foot prints. The other patrons seemed to be okay with it.
The local authorities instituted a ban on all mythological creatures while an investigation is conducted.
“I can’t believe this happened right before my busy season,” an exasperated Tooth Fairy commented.
Smith’s Provisions, longtime purveyor of meat products for the Erie area, has announced that it is adding organic tofu to their list of products available for purchase.
The tofu made its debut at the new Erie County Farms last week, prompting long time Smith’s customer Neil Osbourne to declare, “What the hell is THAT?” as he loaded his cart with hot dogs and walked away from the tofu display at great speed.
Emily Haines, another loyal Smith’s buyer, remarked, “I’ll bet if you put enough Greek sauce on it, it might be OK.”
Smith’s spokesman Frank Hamm stated that they have already sold almost one package of the bean curd, and are expecting sales to double in the coming weeks.
UPDATE : Smith’s Organic Tofu has been discontinued due to lack of sales.
Another post from Gooferie.
Erie’s only remaining Radio Shack store in the Kmart Plaza on 26th Street will be closing its doors soon, marking the end of the 1980’s in the Erie area.
Customers were upset to learn of the closing, including longtime patron Robert Harrison. “Where will I go if I need a new VCR cable?” asked Harrison. “Or size D dry cells?”
“This is where I got my radio controlled General Lee from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’” said Danny Goffey, who was in the store looking for an adapter for his 8-track player. “Erie just won’t be the same without Radio Shack.”
The remaining inventory is being discounted, and the store will remain open until all supplies are gone. Customers wanting to check out the deals had better hurry, as a bus from Springhill Senior Living was just seen pulling into the parking lot.
Spring is near, and with the change of seasons, Penelec has announced its annual tree destroying program will begin as soon as weather permits. The annual program involves cutting away branches that are near power lines.
Penelec spokesman Hy Raetz says “The trees that line our streets are just too beautiful. People shouldn’t be outside admiring trees. They should be inside using electricity. Also, it’s probably a safety hazard.”
When asked if there was a standard procedure for removing branches, Raetz said, “The technical term is ‘directional pruning’, but we call it ‘the school bus rule’; meaning the branches should be separated from the wires by the width of a school bus. The goal is to make it look as little like a tree as possible.”
When asked if he had advice for anyone who has a tree near a power line, Rates advised, “You should probably take a picture…
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Erie, Pennsylvania — Scandal has struck in Erie Pennsylvania. It seems a recent election held by The Erie County Chapter of Bigfoot Hunters and People who Wander in the Woods Aimlessly for club president has erupted in controversy.
The losing candidate, Ron Smith, has called foul, asserting the election was stolen from him by the Russians. “It was that shifty rat Sergey,” Mr. Smith stated referring to Sergey Pavlychko another member of the organization. “We all wrote our votes down on a piece of paper and Sergey went around collecting them in Skeeter McDougall’s ‘Sasquatch your back’ hat. Explain to me why Sergey was the one who volunteered to collect the votes?”
“I’m the sergeant-at-arms; it’s my job to collect the votes,” Sergey explained. “And tell that asshat I’m Ukrainian.”
“I’ve heard that Sergey’s cousin’s neighbor has a friend who lives two villages over from a guy who once met a farmer who raises pigs, and that farmer sold a pig to butcher who made bacon that he sold to a chef who then used that bacon to make a bacon sandwich that Vladimir Putin ate…and I heard it was delicious. And then I lose this election–that can’t be a coincidence,” Ron stated.
“Asshat,” Sergey reiterated.
Ron then revealed that before the vote, he asked every member who they were going to vote for and they all said they were voting for him.
“Ron has remarkably bad breath and he spits a lot when he talks,” a member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “You’d tell him anything to get him away from your face.”
“The biggest problem with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” said Larry Smith, his victorious opponent and nephew. “Aunt Leona calls him the shame of family.”
“This election is illegitimate and I will do anything necessary to undermine Larry’s presidency, even to the point of destroying this organization,” a defiant Ron exclaimed.
“The family Christmas is going to suck more than usual this year,” Larry said.
While Ron has called for multiple recounts and a probe into Sergey’s Russian pig butcher ties, the results of the election stand.
Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment. Evidently he was somewhere in the Russian countryside, shirtless, riding a horse bareback, looking for grizzly bears to wrestle.
It was suggested in the previous post that the complexities of the 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania are comparable to Physics or high-level mathematics.
Outlandish you say?
As you approach it, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You can’t see it yet, but you know it’s out there, looming in the distance.
Then you see it.
That queasiness in your stomach tightens into a knot.
Your heart pounds.
Tendrils of fear burrow down your spine.
Your palms dampen and beads of sweat build on your forehead.
You’re sweating like a virgin on prom night.
You are bearing down on a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.
The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction. The laws of physics begin to fail. You become disoriented and a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasions the stupidity is permanent. The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.
Despite the evidence, there are a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:
The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:
Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.
I am overjoyed at how many people thought this really happened.
Tragedy struck at Erie’s Tall Ships Festival this morning when a cannon from the Niagara misfired and shot a cannonball into the world’s largest rubber duck, deflating it within minutes.
Witnesses say the giant duck was floating about 30 yards from the Niagara when the shot was fired. “It’s a shame,” said festival patron Ernie, no last name given. “I’m awfully fond of that rubber ducky.”
Repairs are already underway as workers have gathered over 100 rolls of duck tape to patch up the hole.
The owners of the duck, Big Duck LLC, plan on sending the bill to the Niagara League. They will also submit an invoice for damages.