idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the tag “erie”

Local Man to Host Drug Drop Off Event

gooferie

AA01People who have unused, unwanted or expired medications can dispose of them Friday by taking them to “Dan”, who will be collecting them free of charge.

“Dan”, no address listed, is collecting unwanted medication from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the southeast corner of 10th and Peach. There is no charge for the collection, which is being done in support of National Prescription Drug Take Back Day.

Medications must be in their original containers and personal information on vials should be concealed. People can also take nonprescription and over-the-counter medications.

Officially, no illegal substances, needles or other medical devices will be accepted, but “Dan” says he will work with you on that.

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Come See the Erie Frogs: Not Everbody Gets Eaten

erie frog

Big creepy frog.

If you been through Erie, Pennsylvania, you may have noticed a big creepy frog along the side of the road. You may have noticed several big creepy frogs along the side of the road. In fact, you may have noticed big creepy frogs everywhere.

There are, in fact, about 100 eight feet tall frog sculptures littered about Erie and the surrounding area.

erie frog

The frogs are part of the Lake Erie Art Project.

“Art isn’t meant to be beautiful; it’s meant to drive us and open us up to our fears and vulnerabilities…and if we can make small children wet themselves, so much the better,” one official said of the frogs. “We took that core philosophy and we ran with it; we ran like Forrest Gump.”

erie frog

The small one hasn’t stopped crying.

“You see,” the official went on to explain, “we felt there just wasn’t enough creepy shit in Erie. Don’t get me wrong, Erie is creepy: we have Bigfoot sighting on Presque Isle, haunted cemeteries, and roving bands of inbred cannibals, but we needed something extra.”

rocky frog

Another victim of the Erie frogs.

“And the rumor that the frogs come to life and devour people has been an unexpected bonus. If we can leave visitors of Erie scarred for life–we’ve done our job.”

erie frog

Another poor soul who got a little bit too close.

 

“So come to Erie and see our frogs,” the official said, “not everybody gets eaten.”

erie frog

“Welcome to Erie. You look delicious.”

Downtown B.O. Levels Expected to Spike on Friday — gooferie

Officials are cautioning that the level of body odor in the air downtown will spike at a record or near record level this Friday. Dr. Meghan Ansell, a biologist at Gannon University, has been providing body odor air quality levels for various zones in Erie for the past five years. “We measure body odor in […]

via Downtown B.O. Levels Expected to Spike on Friday — gooferie

School District Adds Even More Bats

Millcreek bat

Millcreek, Pennsylvania–The Millcreek School District made national news last week when it armed its 500 teachers with 16 inch novelty baseball bats as a defense against school shooters.

“It was largely meant to be symbolic,” Millcreek School District Superintendent William Hall said, “of course you’re going to die in a hail of bullets if you try to stop an armed gunman with a toy bat…but symbolism is important in any life or death situation.”

But now the Millcreek School District has upped the ante: they have replaced the 16 inch black novelty bats with giant black Transylvanian vampire bats.

big black bat

“I don’t know if it will keep potential gunmen out the school,” one teacher said, “but I’m not going back in there.”

“It’s the perfect solution,” Superintendent Hall said, “People are afraid of bats and people are afraid of vampires–I’m just stunned no one has thought of it before…I’m thinking about putting a bat on every school bus.”

Several students have been bitten and have described the simple act of attending school as terrifying.

“Welcome to Erie County,” Superintendent Hall said in response.

When asked if he would be arming his own office with a vampire bat the Superintendent replied, “are you crazy–those things are #!@$ing freaky.”

Addendum: in a note of clarification, Superintendent Hall informed us when he said people were afraid of vampires, he wasn’t referring to those sissy Twilight vampires that wax their chests and use too much hair product; he was referring to a proper Bela Lugosi vampire.

dracula

“You sissy Twilight vampires are really hurting our image.”

Erie School District to Arm Teachers with Lacrosse Sticks — gooferie

Inspired by the Millcreek School District’s decision to issue miniature baseball bats to its teachers, the Erie School District is now providing lacrosse sticks to its teachers for classroom defense. “We saw what Millcreek did, and we are taking it a step further,” said ESD spokesperson Kate Schellenbach. “Baseball bats are OK, but we feel […]

via Erie School District to Arm Teachers with Lacrosse Sticks — gooferie

PennDOT Confirms Using Explosives to Fix Road

Pennsylvania pot holes

This stretch of road seems oddly smooth.

Erie, Pennsylvania–Officials from PennDOT have confirmed the explosions heard emanating from the Route 5 area of North East, Pennsylvania were in fact a road crew working on a stretch of the road between the towns of North East and Harborcreek.

It seems the road crew was employing dynamite to blow a gaping hole in the road; remedying the fact that there wasn’t a gaping hole in the road.

A PennDOT official had been traveling along Route 5 when he realized there was a stretch of road nearly 50 yards long without any potholes. “I was driving along when I realized the typical rumbling and shaking that comes from traversing Pennsylvania roadways had stopped for several seconds…it was very disconcerting.”

The stretch of roadway fell far below PennDOT standards that require at least 39% of any 100 foot stretch of Pennsylvania roadway contain potholes, debris, drunken hobos, or strategically placed orange cones that guide motorist into a pond.

Upon discovering the problem, PennDOT moved with the efficiency and swiftness for which it is renown and dispatched a road crew within a year and a half.

“Sure, we could have put small holes throughout that stretch of road, but that’s a lot of work,” the foreman of the road crew said. “We decided to go with one big hole in the middle.”

“Blowing **** up is fun,” one of the crew members, Don “eight fingers” Smith commented.

The section of Route 5 in question is now completely impassable.

PennDOT suggests if you find yourself traveling along this stretch of road, take care to follow the detour signs and orange cones–they lead you into a pond.

PennDot road crew

“I told you we should have used dynamite.”

Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

Citing rising labor costs, ten-year old Kool-Aid stand owner Katie Nelson has decided to move her entire operation to Fort Worth Texas. “A glass of Kool-Aid costs 50 cents, said Katie. “I’m paying my little brother Mikey five cents per glass he pours, and it’s killing me. The labor market in Fort Worth is different; […]

via Local Kool-Aid Stand to Move Operations to Fort Worth — gooferie

3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Tragedy struck today as three people were struck by the Pay it Forward Truck. The three victims were running to the truck to be the first one to touch it, thus earning the $300 prize. The accident happened at mile marker 35 on Interstate 90. All three victims were taken to UPMC Hamot with undisclosed […]

via 3 Run Over By Pay It Forward Truck — gooferie

Dear Disgusting Swine

dirty pigDear Disgusting Swine,

In a previous post you detailed your disappointment in relation to the Crayola company’s decision to discontinue the Dandelion crayon in their 24 pack of crayons. It seemed your distress stemmed from the fact that you find Dandelion crayons to be the tastiest of the colors available in the Crayola 24 pack.

You disgusting swine.

Your assertion is absolutely ridiculous an the height of irresponsibility. But being a fair minded person, I decided to eat a 24 pack of Crayola crayons before composing this letter.

It was disgusting, you pig-swine.

But just to insure absolute certainty in my position, I ate a second 24 pack of Crayola crayons: it wasn’t as disgusting as the first 24 pack, but it wasn’t good.

As I began to write this response, I snacked on a third pack of 24 Crayola crayons. Admittedly some of the colors are growing on me: Yellow-Orange in particular has a refreshing citrusy tang, but Dandelion is still awful.

You filthy disgusting pig-swine.

After several days of consuming crayons I have come to an unswayable conclusion: Dandelion is the most offensive of the colors available in the Crayola 24 pack of crayons. In fact, the only thing I’ve ever tasted worse than the Dandelion Crayola crayon is my aunt’s potato salad and that tastes like a diseased monkey peed into a vat of battery acid and death.

In conclusion: you are ignorant filthy disgusting pig-swine. (And you probably smell like moldy pinecones.)

Best regards,

Ron Smith, Director of Erie County Health Department.

dandelion crayon

Dandelion has been retired by Crayola and is now living in Boca Raton, Florida.

Putting One Thing on Top of Another Thing

blocks,

An example of my capabilities.

“Do you understand?” He was gaping at me the way someone would who had just tried to explain calculus to an ape. And not one of those clever apes that knows sign language but one those apes on the nature channel that’s eating its own poop.

“Seriously?” I responded.

“Yeah,” he spat the word at me in the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure. “Did you understand what I just explained to you?”

Note: in fairness to him, the most condescending arrogant voice he could conjure was just his voice–the fact that he resembled a rat didn’t help.

Allow me to go back to the beginning and explain: I am referring to an experience I had as a temporary worker. When you’re a temporary worker, there are certain things about you that are presumed:

  • You possess the education of a 12th century manure mucker, your biggest aspiration is to one day be allowed to use a shovel.
  • You need everything explained to you at least a dozen times.
  • You need everything explained in a tone that one would use when explaining to a small child why he shouldn’t eat all the fingerpaint and vomit into the fish tank.
  • You need everything explained to you in monosyllabic language. (Ironically, the word monosyllabic is exactly the type of word that should never be used when explaining something to a temporary worker.)
  • You need everything explained to you with accompanying diagrams. These diagrams should be drawn in crayon if possible.
  • All diagrams should be drawn in non-threatening colors such as forest green or navy blue. Bright colors confuse and disorient temporary workers (fuchsia makes us crazy).

I was interrupted from my duties by Rat-Faced Guy, (not his actual name) who informed me that he needed my assistance.

He dragged me over to a line where juice was being packaged in small cans. As cases of these cans progressed down the line, a machine would lift every other case and then fling the cans into the air, spilling them across the floor. Evidently, that’s not how the machine was designed to operate.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably not his name) explained to me that the malfunctioning machine would be shut down, and I would step in to take its place. As the cases came down the line in pairs, it would be my job to pick up the first case of juice, and place it on top of the second case of juice. Then I would have to do that again and again, until the machine was operating properly again.

It was at point that Rat-Faced Guy (potentially his actual name, when I said Rat-Faced Guy, people seem to know to whom I was referring) asked me if I understood.

“So, you’re asking me if I understand putting one thing on top of another thing?” I asked him.

“Yeah.” He looked at me with his beady eyes, his wispy mustache twitching nervously.

“What if, instead of putting the first case on top of the second, I put the second case under the first case?” I proposed.

Rat-Faced Guy (probably his actual name) looked at me incredulously. “Why would you do that?”

“I’m a visionary,” I told him. “I’m like Henry Ford, Steve Jobs, or Thomas Crapper.”

“Just do it the way I told you,” squeaked Rat-Faced Guy (almost certainly his actual name).

For the next two hours, I stood in one spot, and successfully put one thing on top of another thing.

Perhaps now they will trust me with something challenging such as putting one thing next to another thing.

The sky’s the limit–except for stacking things: two is the limit for stacking things.

 

idiotprufs, rat cartoon

Rat-faced guy having lunch.

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