idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “Pittsburgh”

A Temper Tantrum and a Mostly Jet Black Truck

black truck

The guy who drives this vehicle must be awesome.

Have you ever met a person so full of braggadocio, arrogance, and testosterone, a person so self-absorbed, that fitting his ego in any room smaller than a gymnasium would present more difficulty than stuffing a hippo into an airplane restroom?

Well I have.

(Met a guy like that I mean–I’ve never tried to stuff a hippo into an airplane restroom. You probably couldn’t even get a hippo past TSA–those guys are pretty handsy.)

It happened while I was working as a quality control inspector at a steel coating plant. I was in my office dutifully doing paperwork when a man burst through the front door and announced in a booming voice, (I may be paraphrasing a bit here) “I am the greatest man alive.”

He began telling the plant manager about his jet black truck. His jet black truck was awesome. Everybody loved his jet black truck. Women especially loved his jet black truck–almost as much as they loved him.

In the span of ten minutes he said the phrase, jet black truck, 4,167 times (give or take.)

“You have to come see my jet black truck,” he told the plant manager. “I parked it behind the building. I don’t any other vehicles driving past it and kicking up dust; I don’t like the way dust looks on my jet black truck.”

As Mr. Awesome and the plant manager went to view the jet black truck, I went out onto the shop floor to do some spot checking.

As I was talking to a coworker, I noticed Mr. Awesome and his big bulbous face, steaming toward us at about 1000 miles an hour (again, give or take.)

“You have to get the paint off my truck,” he said with a sense of urgency.

“But if I take the paint off your truck, it won’t be jet black anymore,” I said.

He cursed at me, called me an idiot, and told me to follow him.

As my coworker and I watched him storm away, my coworker turned to me and said, “he seems like a dick.”

I nodded in agreement and began to follow him. I was almost certain whatever the problem was, it would amuse me.

As I turned the corner and saw his truck I knew immediately what had happened.

I laughed–he cursed at me again.

It was warm breezy summer day and the bay doors were open. One of the painters was coating some safety rails near the open doors. As he was doing so, a fine mist of paint was wafting out the door and a breeze (as if it consciously knew what it was doing) was depositing the mist on Mr. Awesome’s jet black truck.

The side of his jet black truck was speckled with safety yellow coating.

A little scientific fact: the two colors that contrast the most to the human eye are black and yellow; it’s why warning signs on the highway are black and yellow. This was jet black and safety yellow–it was stunning.

He pointed at the truck and yelled, “what do you see?”

“A mostly jet black truck,” I answered.

“How am I going to get that yellow paint off,” he demanded.

I offered him the wad of sandpaper that I had in my back pocket.

He cursed at me–a lot.

“Without damaging the finish!”

“That ship has sailed,” I told him.

Mr. Awesome then threw a yelling, screaming, kicking, cursing, spitting, hissy fit. I’d never seen anybody above the age of eight throw a tantrum like that–I think he may have peed himself a little. It was basically a five minute torrent of pure obscenity with a few words like idiot, incompetent, and moron mixed in.

The painter, the plant manager and I just stood and watched–I really enjoyed it.

Mr. Awesome punctuated the tirade by looking at the painter and screaming, “what do you have to say for yourself?”

“You’re the idiot that parked behind the building,” he said calmly. “You’re supposed to park in the parking area. That’s why it’s there–to park in.” Then he walked away.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” I assured him.

“Why not,” he asked.

“This is Pittsburgh,” I said, “everything here is black and gold.”

It didn’t make him feel better–but I felt great.

warning sign

Warning: don’t park your jet black truck here, idiot.

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It’s That Troublemaker Sidney Crosby’s Fault

sidney crosby

Pittsburgh Penguins’ captain and general troublemaker Sidney Crosby.

A Pittsburgh man stabbed in the head with a screwdriver during the Penguins’ playoff opener against the Columbus Blue Jackets on Wednesday night refused medical attention until the game was over, police said.

While the playoff beard–the tradition of not shaving until a team’s playoff run is over–is common among the players, certain fans in Western Pennsylvania employ the practice of not seeking medical attention for life threatening wounds until the Penguins have either been eliminated or won the Stanley Cup.

“It’s that troublemaker Sidney Crosby’s fault,” an official stated. “During the Mario Lemieux/Jaromir Jagr years there were a lot of casualities in the greater Pittsburgh area. Then the penguins sucked for a while and things calmed down. But since the Sidney Crosby era began things have gotten hairy again.”

Authorities said the victim, who was unidentified by police (but who they repeatedly referred to as Dumbass) was said to be the owner of the shop, was in the rear of the building when he became engaged in a verbal altercation with a 25-year-old male, whose name is also being withheld. (Dumbass with a screwdriver.)

The conflict escalated until the younger man struck the victim in the head with a screwdriver, the officers said.

“He was being a dick and I was holding a screwdriver,” the unidentified male said.

Police said the victim refused treatment for the laceration from paramedics on the scene, stating he would drive himself to UPMC Mercy hospital the second the playoffs were over.

The victim’s family have begun planning his funeral, as the Penguins are expected to make another deep playoff run this year.

People are just #%*&ing stupid a UPMC official stated.

screwdriver

Recently removed from Dumbass’s face.

Ray-Ray is a Pretty Boy

news

You may have noticed I enjoy writing posts based on bizarre news stories.

For example:

  • The guy who attacked his ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend with a dead weasel. (In the guy’s defense: it’s hard to attack someone with a live weasel.)
  • The off duty cop who allegedly assaulted his girlfriend because she attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll. (In the cop’s defense: it must have been horrifying to have that smug little face flying at him.)
  • The Bigfoot hunter who filed a police report claiming Bigfoot pelted his RV with rocks. (In Bigfoot’s defense: the man was obviously an obsessed stalker.)
  • The man who was arrested for trespassing while behaving bizarrely and licking a toad. (In the man’s defense: it’s difficult to lick a toad and not behave bizarrely.)
  • The Japanese restaurant that serves a curry that is designed to taste and smell like human feces. (In the restaurant’s defense: there is no defense, it’s just horrifying.)
japanese curry

I wasn’t joking about the curry.

And in recent news.

Oakland Raiders linebacker, Ray-Ray Armstrong, is facing third-degree felony charges for–you’re gonna love this–taunting a K-9 service dog on the field prior to their game with the Pittsburgh Steelers.

The Raiders player barked at the dog, lifted his shirt and pounded his chest as he taunted the dog according to Chief Deputy Kevin Kraus.

Isn’t that just fantastic?

Kraus said the player also told the deputy holding the K-9 to “send the dog.”

“The dog was going crazy,” Kraus said. “The deputy was trying to control the dog the best she could.”

k9

In the K-9 involved offered no comment, but simply got in his vehicle and drove away.

The sheriff’s office notified the Steelers, the NFL, and the Raiders of the investigation.

They also notified Ray-Ray’s mom, and were assured he would receive a whoopin’.

The Raiders signed Armstrong in October 2014 after the St. Louis Rams cut him for committing an excessive number of penalties…and for his propensity to lift his shirt, pound on his chest, and taunt random animals.

The Ram’s organization cited one particularly disturbing incident involving Ray-Ray, a parrot named Petey, and a chest pounding, obscenity laced tirade aimed at the parrot.

Ray-Ray claimed that it was the parrot who started it.

“Ray-Ray is a pretty-boy,” was the parrot’s only comment.

Armstrong could face serious charges as “taunting a police animal” is a third-degree felony in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

Note: as a current resident of Western Pennsylvania I feel qualified to address this: we couldn’t care less if you want to taunt a police dog. As long as you don’t care if a police dog chomps you in the man bits.

german shepeard

See what happens?

A few other things that are third-degree felonies in Pennsylvania.

  • Carrying a gun without a permit
  • Terroristic threats.
  • Taunting a police animal.
  • Taunting a German Shepherd.
  • Taunting a German.
  • Taunting a shepherd.
  • Taunting sheep.
  • Pretending you like a police animal, then acting all aloof the next time you see it.
  • Attacking someone with a Justin Bieber doll.
  • Attacking someone with Justin Bieber.
  • Attacking Justin Bieber with a dead weasel.
  • Taunting Justin Bieber. (I’m just kidding, this is encouraged.)
  • Taunting Bigfoot.
  • Licking a toad. (But only if toad hasn’t given its consent.)
  • Licking Bigfoot and taunting a toad. (Bigfoot never objects to being licked…make of that what you will.)
  • Reckless burning or exploding. (I’m not making this one up.)
  • Reckless burning, exploding optional.
  • Making long and pointless lists.

The Allegheny County Sheriff’s department is currently investigating the incident.

The unfortunate thing for Ray-Ray (apart from his name) is there were about 50,000 witnesses.

If only he had taunted Justin Bieber instead.

oakland raiders

Alleged dog taunter, and recipient of an imminent whoopin’.

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