You may have noticed I enjoy writing posts based on bizarre news stories.
- The guy who attacked his ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend with a dead weasel. (In the guy’s defense: it’s hard to attack someone with a live weasel.)
- The off duty cop who allegedly assaulted his girlfriend because she attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll. (In the cop’s defense: it must have been horrifying to have that smug little face flying at him.)
- The Bigfoot hunter who filed a police report claiming Bigfoot pelted his RV with rocks. (In Bigfoot’s defense: the man was obviously an obsessed stalker.)
- The man who was arrested for trespassing while behaving bizarrely and licking a toad. (In the man’s defense: it’s difficult to lick a toad and not behave bizarrely.)
- The Japanese restaurant that serves a curry that is designed to taste and smell like human feces. (In the restaurant’s defense: there is no defense, it’s just horrifying.)
I wasn’t joking about the curry.
And in recent news.
Oakland Raiders linebacker, Ray-Ray Armstrong, is facing third-degree felony charges for–you’re gonna love this–taunting a K-9 service dog on the field prior to their game with the Pittsburgh Steelers.
The Raiders player barked at the dog, lifted his shirt and pounded his chest as he taunted the dog according to Chief Deputy Kevin Kraus.
Isn’t that just fantastic?
Kraus said the player also told the deputy holding the K-9 to “send the dog.”
“The dog was going crazy,” Kraus said. “The deputy was trying to control the dog the best she could.”
The K-9 involved offered no comment, but simply got in his vehicle and drove away.
The sheriff’s office notified the Steelers, the NFL, and the Raiders of the investigation.
They also notified Ray-Ray’s mom, and were assured he would receive a whoopin’.
The Raiders signed Armstrong in October 2014 after the St. Louis Rams cut him for committing an excessive number of penalties…and for his propensity to lift his shirt, pound on his chest, and taunt random animals.
The Ram’s organization cited one particularly disturbing incident involving Ray-Ray, a parrot named Petey, and a chest pounding, obscenity laced tirade aimed at the parrot.
Ray-Ray claimed that it was the parrot who started it.
“Ray-Ray is a pretty-boy,” was the parrot’s only comment.
Armstrong could face serious charges as “taunting a police animal” is a third-degree felony in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Note: as a current resident of Western Pennsylvania I feel qualified to address this: we couldn’t care less if you want to taunt a police dog. As long as you don’t care if a police dog chomps you in the man bits.
See what happens?
A few other things that are third-degree felonies in Pennsylvania.
- Carrying a gun without a permit
- Terroristic threats.
- Taunting a police animal.
- Taunting a German Shepherd.
- Taunting a German.
- Taunting a shepherd.
- Taunting sheep.
- Pretending you like a police animal, then acting all aloof the next time you see it.
- Attacking someone with a Justin Bieber doll.
- Attacking someone with Justin Bieber.
- Attacking Justin Bieber with a dead weasel.
- Taunting Justin Bieber. (I’m just kidding, this is encouraged.)
- Taunting Bigfoot.
- Licking a toad. (But only if toad hasn’t given its consent.)
- Licking Bigfoot and taunting a toad. (Bigfoot never objects to being licked…make of that what you will.)
- Reckless burning or exploding. (I’m not making this one up.)
- Reckless burning, exploding optional.
- Making long and pointless lists.
The Allegheny County Sheriff’s department is currently investigating the incident.
The unfortunate thing for Ray-Ray (apart from his name) is there were about 50,000 witnesses.
If only he had taunted Justin Bieber instead.
Alleged dog taunter, and recipient of an imminent whoopin’.