idiotpruf

Vending Machines vs. Sharks

So, I recently read that vending machines are responsible for more deaths annually in the U.S. than shark attacks.

Who would have thought vending machines that are more deadly than sharks?

Sharks are terrifying with their rows of razor-sharp teeth, their dead, emotionless eyes, and that creepy music from Jaws that plays every time they get near you. 

Steven Speilberg didn’t make a movie about vending machines killing people on an idyllic resort island.

(But if he had, I’m sure it would have been awesome.)

This is horrible news; I had no idea I was putting my life in danger every time I purchased a bag of cheese puffs.

I knew I would get that orange dust all over my fingers and stuck in my teeth, but that was a risk I was willing to take.

To be fair, if you live in a place like Idaho, you’re far more likely to fall prey to a vending machine than a shark.

The transfats in the cheese puffs will likely take you out before a shark attack will.

You would have to be astronomically unlucky to die of a shark attack in Idaho.

Realistically, if you stay at least ten feet from the ocean, you should be relatively safe from a shark attack.

Vending machines, by contrast, are everywhere–especially in Idaho.

The vast majority of vending machine deaths occur when a purchased item becomes stuck in the machine. The purchaser attempts to dislodge the item by tilting or shaking the vending machine, causing the vending machine to fall on them and crush them.

A small minority of vending machine deaths occur when a person laughs so hysterically that they have a heart attack after they have witnessed a dumbass co-worker tip a vending machine on themself.

People who die in vending machine accidents tend to be people who are physically aggressive and quick to anger.

People who die in a shark attack tend to be people who are vacationing from Idaho, and they thought surfing looked fun, so they decided to try it; it’s safer than a vending machine, they thought.

Dying because a vending machine fell on you has to be mortifying in the afterlife. 

First Dead Person: So, how did you die?

Second Dead Person: I died storming the beaches of Normandy to free Europe from the oppressive boot of the Nazi war machine. How about you?

First Dead Person: My bag of cheese puffs got caught in the little spirally thing in a vending machine. I was really hungry. I’m from Idaho.

I would suggest if you are physically aggressive and quick to anger, you would do well to avoid vending machines. 

Go surfing, that might be fun.