North East, Pa.–A local vineyard owner has made news this week after launching a lawsuit against grape tester Myron P. Fox. It seems the vineyard owner in question, Glenn A Farmer, has contested Mr. Fox’s assessment of the grapes in his vineyard. Specifically, Mr. Farmer has taken issue with Mr. Fox’s assertion that the grapes contained an abnormally low sugar content.
“This is ridiculous,” Mr. Fox, said, “the refractometer doesn’t lie.”
“The refractometer might not lie,” Mr. Farmer responded, “but the sack of crap using the refractometer does. He didn’t even properly test the grapes, he just declared them low in sugar content.”
“First of all,” Mr. Fox said in his defense, “when I arrived to test the grapes, there was nobody to be found. I waited around forever before Mr. Farmer bothered to show up.”
“I was running a little late,” Mr. Farmer admitted.
“He’s always running a little late,” Mr. Fox said condescendingly, “It was over an hour before he arrived. When he did arrive, he was completely unapologetic.”
“Mr. Fox can shove his refractometer up his butt,” Mr. Farmer said bitterly.
When it was pointed out to Mr. Fox that there seemed to be an animosity between the two that went beyond a simple grape testing, Mr. Fox had an explanation: “Mr. Farmer and I used to work together and one day he accused me of stealing his lunch.”
“I could smell the marinara sauce on his breath,” Mr. Farmer asserted.
“Okay. I may have eaten his lunch the one time,” Mr. Fox acquiesced, “but it wasn’t very good; I threw most of it away.” He then paused reflectively for a moment. “And I might have been banging his wife at the time, but is there really a need to hold a grudge.”
When told of Mr. Fox’s admission, Mr. Farmer scowled and muttered several curse words under his breath.
“The bottom line,” Mr. Fox said, “if I don’t have access to the grapes, I have to assume they’re sour.”