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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “blogging”

Dear Purveyor of Opinions


monkey
Dear purveyor of opinions,

I think it is absolutely adorable that you think I care what your opinion is.

I don’t. I don’t care at all–not even a little.

I view your opinions as gnats buzzing around my head; irritants to be swatted away and if possible, crushed.

It’s not the sheer stupidity and ignorance contained within your opinions that I find so objectionable. It’s more the level arrogance and brazenness in which you disseminate your opinions.

I would listen to virtually anyone’s opinion before I would listen to yours. If there are 7.7 billion people in the world, yours would be 7.7 billionth opinion to which I would listen.

I would even listen to opinions in languages I don’t understand, (which frequently includes English) before I would listen to your opinion. Even if a person spoke in a language that consisted of nothing but clicks and whistles, I would sit and listen with an empathetic countenance, nodding, and adding an occasional, “that’s a good point,” to the mix.

I would listen to the opinions of parrots before I would listen to yours. At least when a parrot says something birdbrained, it’s because it has the brain of a bird. What’s your excuse?

Or one of those monkeys that knows sign language. Even if that monkey was hurling its feces at me as it was signing its opinion, I would find it preferable to your opinion. I would rather be hit in the face with monkey crap than listen to your opinion.

You remind me of Bluto from the Popeye cartoons, but without the couth. Bluto is couther than you. A loudmouthed cartoon blowhard has more couth than you. That’s crazy.

I’m sure you have opinions about this post…I don’t care.

It’s my hope that my stance on the matter has been made sufficiently clear.

Thank you for your time.

opinions

Couther than you.

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Biff Rambles On About … Flat Mojo, Mercurial Weather , the Squeaky Wall Gets the Grease, and Cheap Laughs — Biff Sock Pow

Alright … let’s see if I can get my writing mojo back. It seems to have wandered off somewhere. I passed a greasy spot in the middle of the road on the way to work this morning, but I was afraid to look at it too closely for fear that it might be the remnants […]

via Biff Rambles On About … Flat Mojo, Mercurial Weather , the Squeaky Wall Gets the Grease, and Cheap Laughs — Biff Sock Pow

Monkeys, Shakespeare, and Me

monkey

The authors of this blog?

I’m sure you’ve heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem. It states the following:

If you’re having a child’s birthday party, don’t hire a clown, or a pony, or a big sweaty guy in a SpongeBob SquarePants costume. Get a monkey in a cowboy hat on a unicycle; your children will have infinitely more fun.

I’m joking, that’s not really the Infinite Monkey Theorem. (But seriously, go with the monkey in the cowboy hat.)

Wikipedia describes the Infinite Monkey Theorem this way:

The infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type any given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare. In fact, the monkey would almost surely type every possible finite text an infinite number of times. However, the probability that monkeys filling the observable universe would type a complete work such as Shakespeare’s Hamlet is so tiny that the chance of it occurring during a period of time hundreds of thousands of orders of magnitude longer than the age of the universe is extremely low (but technically not zero).

So I acquired a couple of monkeys, (don’t ask how, it involved unsavory behavior and a yak) I gave them a couple of typewriters and let them go nuts. I wanted to see if there was anything to this Infinite Monkey Theorem. Plus, monkeys are fun.

We got off to a rocky start: there was some feces hurling and some disturbingly lengthy (and quite frankly hurtful) obscene gesturing, but eventually they got to work.

While they didn’t reproduce any of the works of Shakespeare, they did type the prhase: Hamlet smells of cheese and Denmark.

Then something bizarre happened: the monkeys began to reproduce most of the contents of this blog and in shockingly less time than it took me to produce it. They even corrected some of my grammar errors.

And these weren’t the smart type of monkeys that do sign language; these were the type of monkeys eat their own poop and smoke cigarettes…and one of them was really drunk.

Then they peed on the typewriters and mocked me with their superior verb tense usage.

It was all very disheartening.

I think I’m going to read Hamlet and pretend it was written by a drunken monkeys with bladder issues and a severe attitude problem…then I’m going to get drunk and pee on the monkeys.

Addendum: the monkeys wrote this post too and it was better than this shit version.

hamlet

Don’t hire a guy dressed up like Hamlet for a child’s birthday party either. He smells like cheese and Denmark.

Frog Upset by Unwelcome Kiss

disney princess

Princess and alleged frog groper.

Trouble is brewing in the Kingdom as allegations of unwanted advances have been leveled against the princess by a local frog.

“I was sitting here in the swamp next to my husband when out of nowhere this giant blonde tart grabs him and practically sticks her tongue down his throat,” the lady frog complained. “It was repulsive. And to make matters worse, after she gets done groping my husband, he turns into a prince. He used to be green, slimy, and lovely. Now he’s just huge, pink, and disgusting.”

“When the Wicked Witch turned me into a frog, it was the best thing that could have happened to me,” the Prince said, “People think being a prince is all wine and roses. Well, there are a lot of wine and roses, but there’s also a lot of headaches: the threat of assassination, diplomacy with other kingdoms is a nightmare, moat maintenance is a constant struggle, and there’s always the worry that at some point the peasants will realize how oppressed they are and revolt–when you’re a frog you don’t have to worry about angry mobs with pitchforks.” The Prince then leaned in and said in a hushed voice, “And that Princess is no picnic either.”

“Do you know how many frogs I had to kiss before I found the right one?” The Princess said in disgust. “Do you see this ugly sore on my upper lip, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of frog herpes.”

“Look at this worthless ineffectual tongue,” the Prince continued, “how am I supposed to catch flies with this thing? What I wouldn’t give for one blood filled mosquito right now.” 

“Excuse me while I go vomit,” the Princess said as she left in disgust.

When contacted to see if she could turn the Prince back into a frog, the Wicked Witch replied, “I’m not freaking Oprah–I don’t just give things away. I do things to make people miserable and unhappy; it’s in the job title.”

“I tried to go back to the swamp, but it’s not the same,” the Prince lamented. “I’d known my wife since she was a tadpole, but now she wants nothing to do with me. I guess I’m stuck with the Princess. Did you see that gross sore on her upper lip? Yuck!”

frog

Green, slimy, and lovely.

 

 

Student Union bans the sweets ‘Midget Gems’ until they are renamed — The Daily Squabble

“Confectionery manufacturers have to realise this is 2019”, said Olly Chuzzlewitt, Student Union President of Much Craplock University (formally Much Craplock College of brick-laying and beauty studies). “They can no longer use terms like ‘midget’ as if we were back in Victorian times or being subjected to ‘The Greatest Showman’.” “This has to stop. Looking…

via Student Union bans the sweets ‘Midget Gems’ until they are renamed — The Daily Squabble

What the Hell, Greenland?

children on ice

Greenlanders playing on a giant piece of ice, and not visiting this blog.

So I was perusing the map on my stats page that indicates where page views originate when I made a disturbing discovery: there are 183 countries and territories represented, but there was not one page view from Greenland.

What the hell, Greenland?

I understand that Greenland has a population of only 56,000 people, but all I’m asking for is one page view.

Do you know what this is, Greenland?

It’s a list of places from which this blog has received one page view–I’m not greedy.

This blog has received multiple page views from Côte d’Ivoire and St. Kitts and Nevis.

That second place is clearly made-up.

And don’t try telling me to leave you alone because Greenland is cold and desolate and miserable. I don’t want to hear any of that whimpering–I live near Erie, Pennsylvania!

Let’s get to it, Greenland–I will be awaiting your response.

Addendum

My apologies to St. Kitts and Nevis–you are a real place.

st. kitts

St. Kitts and Nevis has a population of only 55,000 people–are you paying attention, Greenland?

I’ve Been so Busy…and Invertebrate

She turned me into a banana slug...I got better.

She turned me into a banana slug…I got better.

You may have noticed my recent absence from the blogging world.

You probably didn’t notice it right away. It just suddenly dawned on you one day that a persistent irritant had disappeared. Like when you suddenly realized the itching had stopped because that annoying rash on your testicles had finally gone away.

But you’re not rid of me yet. You can get all the restraining orders and pepper-spray you want, but I’m not going anywhere.

Take that, Beth.

Note: the previous line was for comedic effect only. I am not following or harassing a woman named Beth in any manner that could be construed as a violation of any court order.

You see, I’m like herpes: you will never truly be rid of me. I’ll always be there lurking, just waiting to show up and ruin your weekend. (It’s been a rough few months.)

Anyway, there have been several reasons for my dearth of activity:

Miming

I’ve taken up the silent art in an elaborate scheme to infiltrate the world of mime and sabotage it from the inside.

I planned to work tirelessly to become the world’s most prolific and prominent mime.

Upon reaching the pinnacle of miming, I would embark on a downward spiral of debauchery and scandal that would permanently stain the miming world.

Unfortunately I was unable to bring my plan to fruition; it seems miming is way harder than it looks. Also, I’ve discovered I’m allergic to white face-paint, berets, and being punched in the groin by small children. (They have little fists of steel.)

I do however plan to go forward with the downward spiral of debauchery and scandal.

Juggling Chainsaws

My attempt at learning to juggle chainsaws was going along swimmingly…until suddenly it wasn’t.

Learning To Write With My Left Hand

Upon falling victim to an unforeseeable and unpreventable accident, I have lost all use of my right hand.

Well…that’s not strictly true; it makes a interesting paperweight.

Would it be so difficult to print the words, NOT TO BE USED FOR JUGGLING OR ANYTHING COOL, somewhere on a chainsaw?

Note: perhaps I should have learned how to mime chainsaw juggling.

chainsaw hand

Where’s the warning, Husqvarna?

I Spent Several Weeks As A Banana Slug

If you’ve read this blog in the past, you will know that my aunts are a great big gaggle of witches.

You will also know that I have on occasion angered them. Maybe it was something I said. Maybe it was something I did. Perhaps it was something I wrote in this blog about their chunky thighs, potato-faced children, or their general tendency to be evil hags.

But usually it’s my mere existence that sets them off.

Anyway, they turned me into a banana slug.

It’s ridiculously hard to use a keyboard when you’re a banana slug. You get brilliant ideas, but you just can’t execute them.

On the upside, banana slugs have voracious sex lives. There is nothing in this world sexier than a banana slug…to another banana slug.

Take that, Beth. You’re no banana slug.

banana slug

Sexy!

I’ve Had No Good Ideas

I’m just kidding; I’ve never had any good ideas.

I promise I will post again soon, and it will be my usual level of crap.

hand

It’s also useful for scaring small children after they’ve punched you in the groin.

How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network

I am the proud father of two sons, now in their twenties, who–like most such humans–passed successfully through what are known as the “teenaged” years. During the same period I was the owner of two male cats. As I saw it, my job in the case of the former was to raise them into upstanding […]

via How to Tell Your Teenaged Son From a Dead Rodent — Gerbil News Network

Ask Mr. Car Person — Gerbil News Network

Is your car making a funny sound? Does it give off a bad smell? Ask Mr. Car Person for help, and as soon as he gets the grease off his hands, he’ll type out an answer to your question. Dear Mr. Car Person– My husband “Carl” is a certified public accountant, which as you probably […]

via Ask Mr. Car Person — Gerbil News Network

TGIF With a Big-Balled Yogurt-Eating Mouse — Gerbil News Network

In an experiment at MIT mice fed yogurt as compared to junk food developed luxuriantly thicker fur and bigger testicles that they projected outwards, giving them an air of “mouse swagger.” Scientific American It’s Friday night and, like every other mouse in the lab, I’m cruisin’ the scene–TGIF and all that. I reached […]

via TGIF With a Big-Balled Yogurt-Eating Mouse — Gerbil News Network

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