what the hell else are you gonna do with your time?

Archive for the tag “blogging”

Another Post From Gooferie

Stretched out on a chaise lounge under a warm, bright sun shielded by a natural canopy of palm trees, former Erie School Superintendent James Barker casually informed “Paco,” a waiter at the exclusive resort where he was staying, that he would like a second beverage of the kind that was provided to him earlier. As […]

via Dr. James Barker Would Like “Another One of Those, Please” — gooferie


The Top Ten Reasons People Unfollow This Blog

unfollow button

Number 10

The medication has finally begun to work.

Number 9

The mimes are beginning to win their battle against me.

Number 8

The overwhelming shame and the constant hassle of having to delete their browser history has become too much.

Number 7

This blog causes cancer in lab rats. (It kills wombats outright.)

Number 6

This blog was hacked by the North Korean government following an unfortunate comment concerning Kim Jong Un’s potato-faced head. (He has a potato-faced head.)

kim jong Un

Mrs. Potato Head is sold separately.

Number 5

Internet privileges have been revoked in the violent offenders wing of Attica.

Number 4

An unexpected backlash after the post entitled: Charles Manson: not such a bad guy.

Number 3

After the alcohol induced haze passes, people realize this blog is crap.

Number 2

After my ugly break with the Church of Scientology, Tom Cruise’s army of thugs have been relentless in their opposition of this blog.

Number 1

The sudden and jarring realization people have as they read this blog: I’m worth more than this.

mr. potato head

The mustache looks good on you, Kim Jong.

Troubling News–I’ve No Sense of Humor

shocked smileyI was recently told I have no sense of humor.

I am horribly troubled by this–I have put a great deal of time and energy into my efforts to conceal the fact that I have no sense of humor.

Granted, the person who told me this is a mangy little man who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud.

I don’t know his name, I just refer to him as that mangy little man who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud. Or for the sake of brevity: the ugly little prick.

He is an angry little man. I think his anger stems from having tiny and misshapen testicles. I have no firsthand knowledge of the condition of his testicles, it’s just a feeling I get.

He is also stupid.

And not just a normal level of stupid–he is profoundly stupid.

He is a profoundly stupid ugly little prick of a man with tiny and misshapen testicles who would kick the crutch from under Tiny Tim then laugh hysterically as he fell in the mud…and he’s mangy.

He might be called Bill.

Anyway, I’ve been told by many people that this blog is at least mildly amusing and some of those people aren’t imaginary.

And if the ability to generate death threats is an indicator of humor (and I believe it is) this blog is hysterical.

If Bill sees this I’ll probably get another death threat.

I’m just joking–it’s highly doubtful he can read.laughing face



What the Hell Else are You Gonna do with Your Time?

changeThere’s been a change. It’s not a big change, like that time I shaved all the hair from my body and had William Shatner’s face tattooed on my left butt cheek, but it is a change nonetheless.

There’s a new tagline to this blog: idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

You may be thinking there are a ton of things you could do with your time that are more fruitful than reading this blog; things that improve your life, or improve the life of others, or even make you a more productive human being.

But you’re not doing any of those things are you? You’re reading this blog.


Do you think I would waste any time reading this blog? I barely put any thought or effort into writing it.

I considered going with: idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians, as my tagline, but the reality is: the Russians influence everything I do.

Every time I watch Rocky 4 and Rocky beats Drago, I weep like a little baby.

Maybe I’ll get Dolph Lundgren’s face tattooed to my right butt cheek.

Do svidaniya comrades.

rocky 4

I’m getting all misty eyed right now.

Even More Taglines For Your Approval

taglineIllegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest, is the current tagline for this blog.

However, it is now illegal in all 50 states, the United States Virgin Islands, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Frowned upon in Puerto Rico.

So it’s time for a change.

Not a change in the blog, but in the tagline; the statement above is just too wordy to be a tagline.

Note: this blog is still legal and well received in the District of Columbia, various militia run compounds that have declared independence from the United States, and the Vatican.

So it’s time to choose a new tagline.

idiotprufs: the blog that once made Pope Francis laugh so hard he peed himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that is widely used as currency in Bolivian prisons.

idiotprufs: the blog that took the Tide pod challenge and thought it was delicious.

idiotprufs: that blog that was shattered when The Amish Mafia was taken off the air.

idiotprufs: the blog that just can’t get the theme song from The Poseidon Adventure out of its head.

idiotprufs: the blog that was heartbroken when it discovered Mary Poppins isn’t a true story.

idiotprufs: the blog with cat-like reflexes and is as equally adept at using a litter box.

idiotprufs: the blog that has in no way been influenced by the Russians.

idiotprufs: the blog that used to call itself Miranda.

idiotrufs: the best way to spend the day if Jumbles are too complicated for you.

idiotprufs: the blog the solved two sides of the Rubik’s Cube then just gave up.

idiotprufs: the blog that was thrown out of a party after it made a rude comment about another blog’s toupee.

idiotprufs: the blog that is convinced that Rudy was offsides.

idiotprufs: the blog that lives in a glass house, but throws stones anyway.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s been pepper-sprayed far more times than is reasonable.

idiotprufs: the blog that leaves a stain that you just can’t get out.

idiotprufs: the blog that once met the Dali Lama and thought he was kind of full of himself.

idiotprufs: the blog that hates it when it burns it tongue on hot coffee and then can’t taste anything the rest of day.

idiotprufs: the blog that is frequently printed out just to be used to line bird cages.

idiotprufs: the blog that’s frequently crapped on by birds.

idiotprufs: the blog that just found out the word is spelled: idiotproofs.

idiotprufs: what the hell else are gonna do with your time?

One of these lucky taglines will become the new tagline for this blog.

Good luck to all of them.

Rubik's Cube

The blog that couldn’t get this far.


Elizabeth Gomez: Inappropriate Sentiments for Greeting Cards

I find all of these to be completely appropriate.

Drinkers with Writing Problems

  1. Birthday: It’s Your Birthday…I slept with your grandmother. We’re getting married.

  2. I’m Sorry: For sleeping with your grandmother, marrying her, and stealing away your inheritance. Love from Cabo!

  3. Anniversary: Happy Anniversary to the Man I Love…I hope my husband never finds out. LOL!

  4. Happy Easter: Praise be to the Lord, He has Risen…ALL LAMBS SHOULD DIE! Then sprinkle with rosemary and thyme for a delicious dinner celebrating Christ.

  5. Congratulations: You’ve graduated high school!…Now, try to get through college without a cocaine addiction.

  6. Thank You: Thank You…for giving me something that will be in next month’s yard sale.

  7. New Baby: God has blessed you with a baby…Let’s hope your wife doesn’t drown it.

  8. Get Well Soon: May God bless you with a speedy recovery…but then I hope you get hit by a car when you leave the hospital because I love watching you suffer.

  9. Thinking of You: I’ve been thinking of…

View original post 101 more words

What the Hell?

The following search terms popped up on search terms page in this order:

  • fat naked hillbillies
  • floppy breasted women
  • what mushrooms not to eat out of cow poop

What the hell is wrong with you people?

And more importantly: what’s wrong with me that those search terms direct people to this blog?


Dig in.

A Promise of Continued Dreck

drooling smiley

I was recently asked if I ever get writer’s block.

Of course I don’t; it’s what’s great about having a blog as stupid as this one: I can write whatever nonsensical gibberish pops into my head.

Take for example, the following passage from a post about phobias:

Walloonphobia: the fear of Walloons. Walloons can burst at any moment making a loud popping sound and startling you.
(My apologies, I thought this was the fear of balloons. Walloons are the French-speaking population of Belgium; it’s perfectly normal to be startled when Walloons burst and make a loud popping noise.)

What kind of stupid scattered brain comes up with that?

I’ve worked very hard to set a low a standard as possible for this blog while still forming semi-coherent sentences.

But it hasn’t been just my hard work and dedication responsible for the ridiculously substandard tangle of words before you. I’ve been genetically blessed with an extended family of what could be described generously as complete imbeciles.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins so completely and impenetrably stupid, there was really no way for it to not to filter to me. Even as I’m typing this, I’m drooling uncontrollably and I have peed myself because can’t remember how to use the bathroom.

Have you ever seen a tree with most of its branches rotting and riddled with an infectious disease. A disease so heinous the tree needs to be cut down, chopped into bits, burned, and its ashes buried in a deep hole under three feet of reinforced concrete, just to preserve the rest of forest.

That tree is healthy compared to our family tree–we wish we were that tree. Sometimes we’ll get together, drool on ourselves, pee ourselves, and scrapbook about how much we wish we were that diseased tree.

I will give you this assurance: I long as I am authoring this blog it will remain awful. And if you should happen to run into any of my aunts or uncles, give them a hardy thank you.

But don’t touch them–they tend to be sticky.

tree disease

We wish we were this tree.

Just a Quick Question for Bloggers


Has this ever happened to you?

You’ve just finished the perfect blog post, put the final touches on it, and edited it to your satisfaction.

But just as you’re about to hit the publish button, you notice the word count sits at 666 words. That’s a funny coincidence you think…but you’re hesitating to hit the publish button.

It doesn’t mean your blog post bears the mark of the beast, right?

It’s not like you have a fear of numbers. You don’t suffer from triskaidekaphobia after all.

(I just want you all to know I spelled triskaidekaphobia correctly on first try.)

Just because one blog post came out to 666 words doesn’t mean you’re the Antichrist–that’s clearly one of your cousins.

Your blog posts aren’t apocalyptic–they’re pretty bad–but not fire and brimstone bad.

(I did not spell apocalyptic correctly on the first try.)

So you dismiss this foolishness…then you go back and change the post to come out with 665 words.

Has this ever happened to you?

Addendum: I was just joking with that thing about your cousins…mostly.

fire and brimstone

You should have changed the word count.


You Have Spoken


After two days of intense voting the results are in.

It seems that nobody is concerned that I am a peon…and wisely so.

But it is very disconcerting that nobody seems to care about the mad scientists under Oprah’s house.

When Oprah and her minions of evil genius monkeys are ruling the world with an iron fist, don’t come crying to me–I tried to warn you. When everything is all weepy feelings and book clubs and the world reeks of monkey feces and buttermilk pancakes, it’s on you.

As I have always suspected about the readers of this blog: you’re very cold hearted. Very few of you care about the plight of toad lickers in this country. (But they’ll be ones right at home during Oprah’s reign.)

More of you care about Hillbillies and their weird faces. Have you considered maybe hillbillies have weird faces because they lick toads? I’ll bet you haven’t.

About the same amount of you care about having reasons for throwing rocks at things.

You probably want to throw rocks at hillbillies and their weird faces, or their toad licking brethren.

You’re all so heartless.

Many of you were concerned with the blowhard and his mostly jet black truck. (Throwing rocks at this guy and his mostly jet black truck would be wholly appropriate.)

But the most votes were cast for my former co-worker and his tragic conversation with a supervisor.

So my next post will be Let Me Explain.

Don’t throw rocks at my former co-worker–he has problems of his own.


I’ll bet you want to throw this at a toad licker–you’re so heartless.


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