idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “search terms”

What the Hell?

The following search terms popped up on search terms page in this order:

  • fat naked hillbillies
  • floppy breasted women
  • what mushrooms not to eat out of cow poop

What the hell is wrong with you people?

And more importantly: what’s wrong with me that those search terms direct people to this blog?

mushrooms

Dig in.

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In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger

You found this on your what?

So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images

chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

home alone

Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.

As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:

feeling ill images

horton hears a who

chiggers on testicles

How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?

Would he have been as protective of them?

Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?

What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?

And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?

Just something to think about.

Think about testicles.

horton hears a who

I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.

 

 

Justin Bieber’s Shrunken Face: More Weird Search Terms

idiotprufs bigfoot

Yes. Bigfoot made this list.

As always, these are all real search engine terms from my stats page, exactly the way I found them.

why does it look like my penis has bug bites on the bottom of it  You put your penis somewhere you shouldn’t have.

how to get wifes feet to stink like cheese   I found 36 different combinations with the words: wife, feet, stink and cheese. Thank you Freshly Pressed for making my blog a foot fetish destination.

sexy man riding a unicorn images  The poster on my bedroom wall, right next to my poster of Shaun Cassidy.

construction worker thumbs up thumbs up  One fifth of The Village People, really happy really happy.

mooning kilt  Aren’t all kilts for mooning?

my children’s story keep getting rejected  Your story, Little Billy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines, was a little disturbing.

childrens story limburger cheese  This one sucked too.

tom cruise is an idiot  I am very honored that Nicole Kidman visited my blog.

how many idiot are in the church of scientology  One less since Nicole left Tom.

cukes  Exactly.

katie holmes open mouth  Katie, stunned that I didn’t use her name for those jokes.

cartoon vomit on guy  The disastrous result of my prom date with Olive Oyl.

dental phobia funny jokes  There is nothing funny about dental phobias.

“pulled all his teeth”  See!

pi alamode  3.14 pieces of pie with ice cream on top.

bug eyed black guy  Dynomite! (If you get that reference, you’re old.)

bad guidance counselor of the year  The guidance counselor who advised this guy.

idiotprufs honey bee

His pay is all the honey he can eat.

Bug mac  More gross than a Big Mac, but slightly more nutritious.

Why you should start smoking  Because emphysema is fun to say.

a monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in south bend, indiana   Man, those priests at Notre Dame are strict.

best reasons for kids to start smoking  If a monkey can do it, it’s got to be fun.

tinkerbell playing football  The reason Disneyland’s football team sucks.

mcdonalds fries and rats  All I want is the rat, but they push the fries on me anyway.

snooki rhyme satire  Much better that Snooki Haiku.

limerick about idiots  But not as good as the limericks about Snooki.

cartoon boxers  Much more comfortable than cartoon briefs.

bee angry angry bee happy redd bee  One of Dr. Seuss’ lesser known works.

a vicious cartoon bear  Boo Boo finally got sick of Yogi’s crap.

instrument for digging holes  Really?

bigfoot smokes pot  So do you if you don’t know what a shovel is called.

job interview stoned  Not a good idea unless you’re applying to be Justin Bieber’s pilot.

justin biebers shrunken face  The name of Selena Gomez’ memoirs.

boy band with clown  Aren’t they all?

list of things that gets bulls angry  Bull-riders, rodeo clowns, matadors, and boy bands. (It should be noted, the entire animal kingdom hates boy bands, especially badgers.)

permanent cure for athletes foot  A hacksaw, a tourniquet, and a peg leg.

self-medication criteria in ungulates  Just don’t put their medication in child proof bottles; they have a horrible time opening them with their hoofed feet.

self medicating before family gatherings  Before…during…after.

stuff you never want to hear from a new neighbor  Hi, you probably recognize me from the Jersey Shore.

facts about bigfoot  They love Jack Links beef jerky, but they hate Jack Links Messin’ With Sasquatch commercials.

Sasquatch in the woods  That too.

facts about mermaids  They all have crabs. (As pets. What did you think I meant?)

can an idiot ride a unicorn  Only if he’s a mythological idiot.

my summer story pictures  Even the search term sounds boring.

girl tooth fairy girl green disney channel  ??????

squat comedy  I should be able to think of something funny for this, I just can’t.

lady gaga costume designer  Also her butcher.idiotprufs lady gaga

pee electricity words wisdom  The first and last time you will ever see those words together.

cartoon cows behind an electric fence  Are you sure that fence is electrified.

my penis hit an electric fence  The worst possible way to check if a fence is electrified.

funny surprised face  Your face two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

hysterical laughter cartoon  Your friends two seconds after your penis touched that fence.

looking detective search term idiotprufs

“Whoa, his face really has shrunken.”

Ungulate Whore and Few Other Search Terms

looking detective search term idiotprufsAs I was perusing my search terms page, I decided that it was time to do another post on some of the more bizarre search terms.

These are exactly the way I found them, with a few comments or observations from myself.

Hall & Oates beef jerky  A genius marketing plan–nothing says Philadelphia soul music like dried meat products.

drive nails through Scrotum  It is my sincerest hope that this person wasn’t looking for a how-to site.

testicle nails  You can find these in your local hardware store, right next to the wood screws.

testicles sister  I’ve never met her, but do know testicle’s brother.

Note: A disturbing number of search terms contained the word testicle.

Scientology and Body Hair  The title of John Travolta’s unauthorized biography.

carton of mad  I purchase my mad by the case; it’s cheaper that way.

playdough science experiments fire.  Bill Nye’s best episode ever.

proof gremlins don’t exist  Gremlins do exist, a troll told me.

do gremlins poop or pee  Constantly, according to the troll.

Cure for hiccups the government won’t tell  First the grassy knoll, and now this.

does our government lie about mermaids?  No. But just try asking those weasels about hiccups.

girl traffic diarrhea  A girl with a problem.

holding in diaphram erectile dysfunction  A guy with a problem.

“most disturbing part” sexual  The same guy.

Can your guidance counselor call you stuiped?  Only if you misspell the word stupid.

is your guidence counselor supposed to be nice  Of course. What a stuiped question.

poop finger paint  The cause of my lifetime ban from the Louvre.

who hates raccoons  Anyone who knows the pain of being stood up on prom night…by a raccoon.

toothless idiot pictures  A bad fetish site.

ungulate whore  A worse fetish site. (But an amazing name for a racehorse.)

obese garden gnome image   A really disturbing fetish site.

paris hilton tourette syndrome  A new and terrifying form of Tourette Syndrome. Sufferers will seek out attention of any kind. They will accost anyone holding a camera while screaming, “everybody look at me. I have a tiny dog that fits in my purse.”

Cartoon stick girl  Another search result involving Paris Hilton.

do new justin beiber dolls come out 2012  Only if my prayers come true.

How do I meet the new neighbors?  See search term below.

i don’t want to meet the new neighbours  Please, let these two people be neighbors.

lab rats French  Similar to normal lab rats, but they wear tiny berets.

mad scientist who made Frankenstein  Good question. Here’s another: what was the name of that famous baseball player who died from Lou Gehrig’s disease?

is walking and lifting heavy objects exercise  I consider just thinking about walking and lifting heavy objects to be exercise.

how to clean and stretch a raccoon  Finally, somebody is addressing this problem.

how to make wooden knickers for bigfoot hunting.  We have wooden knickers for everything else.

ways of saying you are a peon  See search term below.

can you get a concussion from walking into a glass door?  Peon.

is it illegal to stab somebody in the face with plastic forks  It won’t be if my ballot initiative goes well. Vote early. Vote often.

“You Make My Dreams”
with Hall and Oates beef jerky.

How to Make Your Wife’s Feet Stink Like Cheese

Are your wife's feet repulsively minty fresh? Don't worry, it can be fixed.

Are your wife’s feet repulsively minty fresh? Don’t worry, it can be fixed.

It’s happened again: yet another poor soul has come to this blog in search of answers to questions that I don’t readily have.

Questions that are disturbing.

Questions that aren’t the type asked in polite company.

Questions reserved for the darkened corners of dimly lit rooms in seedy establishments on the fringes of society, and sometimes on the Joy Behar Show.

It started when this search engine term led some poor wretch to my blog:

why does myI did my best to answer that question with the post: You Found What on Your What?

Note: Again, I am just a little unsettled that the search term “sexy man riding a unicorn images” leads people to this blog, and very unsettled by who those people might be.

So now this crops up on the list of search engine terms on my stats page.

wife's feetNote: I am irrationally proud of the fact the search term “monkey stink” leads people to this blog. 

I’m going to do my best to aide this person, I am nothing if not filled with compassion.

First, I have a few questions of my own:

  1. Why?
  2. Seriously, why?
  3. Is this some bizarre fetish of which I am unaware? If it is, I choose to remain unaware.
  4. What type of cheese are you looking for? A soft cheese like Brie, or hard cheese like Asiago?
  5. Does your wife even want her feet to stink like cheese?
  6. Do your feet stink like cheese?
  7. Are you just trying to cover-up the fact that your feet stink like cheese by making your wife’s feet stink like cheese?
  8. Are you really that selfish?
  9. Are you the type of person who constantly puts himself ahead of others?
  10. Are you the type of person who gets in the express lane at the supermarket with a cart full of groceries, and then tries to claim that you have less than 12 items.
  11. Do you then try to pay for your cart full of groceries with a check, even though you haven’t any I.D. with you.
  12. Do you then fumble around dumbly for cash–now that you’ve ground the express lane to a torturous halt–to find that you have only a two-dollar bill and some Canadian half-pennies?
  13. Where the hell did you get Canadian half-pennies?
  14. Are you that moron who drives down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road?
  15. Maybe the real problem with your wife is that you don’t satisfy her sexually. Did you ever consider that?
  16. Maybe what your wife needs is a good divorce lawyer.
  17. I’ll bet you like mimes don’t you?
  18. How can you like mimes, they are so irritating?
  19. When they do that fake crying thing, I just want to punch them in the face.
  20. What kind of total jackass likes mimes, and wants his wife’s feet to stink like cheese, as he screws up the express lane and drives like an idiot?
  21. Moron.

Anyway, try rubbing your wife’s feet with Limburger cheese. The bacterium used in the fermentation process of Limburger cheese (Brevibacterium linens) is the same bacterium that causes foot odor.

I hope this was helpful…jerk.

I hope this turns you on...weirdo. (image source: wpclipart.com.)

I hope this does it for you…weirdo.
(image source: wpclipart.com.)

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