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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “Martha Stewart”

My Rejection Letter From Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories.

This was one of my first posts, and it’s still one of the most popular. Go figure.

Dear Mr. Idiotprufs,

Here at Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories, we gain no greater satisfaction than when we create new and fresh children’s literature. So believe me when I express to you, we empathize with and appreciate your desire to write children’s stories. That being said, please stop it.

We believe that your talents lie in a genre away from children’s literature, very far away from children’s literature.

Take for example the first story you sent us, Little Timmy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines. A little boy’s first kite is a good idea for a children’s story. A little boy’s first experience with radical skin grafting: not so much.

Similarly, your story, The Poorly Constructed and Precariously High Treehouse, starts out with a treehouse–a good subject for a children’s story. It ends with a full body cast, and an addiction to painkillers–a bad subject for a children’s story.

And for the love of all that is good and merciful, please stop sending us stories that involve diseased chimpanzees.

For your reference, here is list of topics unsuitable for children’s stories:

  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from the zoo.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from the circus.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a research lab.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility under Bill Gates home.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis, under Bill Gates home.
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from Martha Stewart’s house. (If Miss Stewart were to ever have a chimp, we are certain it would not be diseased.)
  • A diseased chimp that has escaped from a one-eyed organ grinder.
  • A one-eyed organ grinder.
  • A diseased chimp with intestinal parasites.
  • Intestinal parasites.
  • Parasites. (Tapeworms are not lovable, and are seldom named Henry.)
  • Virtually any idea that has ever popped into your head.

In regards to your proposal for a series of books based on the ghost of mischievous monkey that haunts children who won’t eat their vegetables: it’s not a good idea. That doesn’t even take into consideration the certain legal difficulties that would arise from your main character: Mysterious George.

We hope that you will heed our advice and take to heart the following suggestions:

  1. Seek professional help.
  2. Whatever medications that are certain to be prescribed, take them.
  3. Stay as far away from children’s literature as you possibly can.

Sincerely,

Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories

P.S. In retrospect, stay as far away from actual children as possible.

treehouse

How could a story about this not be great?

  

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How to Make Your Wife’s Feet Stink Like Cheese

Are your wife's feet repulsively minty fresh? Don't worry, it can be fixed.

Are your wife’s feet repulsively minty fresh? Don’t worry, it can be fixed.

It’s happened again: yet another poor soul has come to this blog in search of answers to questions that I don’t readily have.

Questions that are disturbing.

Questions that aren’t the type asked in polite company.

Questions reserved for the darkened corners of dimly lit rooms in seedy establishments on the fringes of society, and sometimes on the Joy Behar Show.

It started when this search engine term led some poor wretch to my blog:

why does myI did my best to answer that question with the post: You Found What on Your What?

Note: Again, I am just a little unsettled that the search term “sexy man riding a unicorn images” leads people to this blog, and very unsettled by who those people might be.

So now this crops up on the list of search engine terms on my stats page.

wife's feetNote: I am irrationally proud of the fact the search term “monkey stink” leads people to this blog. 

I’m going to do my best to aide this person, I am nothing if not filled with compassion.

First, I have a few questions of my own:

  1. Why?
  2. Seriously, why?
  3. Is this some bizarre fetish of which I am unaware? If it is, I choose to remain unaware.
  4. What type of cheese are you looking for? A soft cheese like Brie, or hard cheese like Asiago?
  5. Does your wife even want her feet to stink like cheese?
  6. Do your feet stink like cheese?
  7. Are you just trying to cover-up the fact that your feet stink like cheese by making your wife’s feet stink like cheese?
  8. Are you really that selfish?
  9. Are you the type of person who constantly puts himself ahead of others?
  10. Are you the type of person who gets in the express lane at the supermarket with a cart full of groceries, and then tries to claim that you have less than 12 items.
  11. Do you then try to pay for your cart full of groceries with a check, even though you haven’t any I.D. with you.
  12. Do you then fumble around dumbly for cash–now that you’ve ground the express lane to a torturous halt–to find that you have only a two-dollar bill and some Canadian half-pennies?
  13. Where the hell did you get Canadian half-pennies?
  14. Are you that moron who drives down the road with your seat-belt hanging out the door, making sparks on the road?
  15. Maybe the real problem with your wife is that you don’t satisfy her sexually. Did you ever consider that?
  16. Maybe what your wife needs is a good divorce lawyer.
  17. I’ll bet you like mimes don’t you?
  18. How can you like mimes, they are so irritating?
  19. When they do that fake crying thing, I just want to punch them in the face.
  20. What kind of total jackass likes mimes, and wants his wife’s feet to stink like cheese, as he screws up the express lane and drives like an idiot?
  21. Moron.

Anyway, try rubbing your wife’s feet with Limburger cheese. The bacterium used in the fermentation process of Limburger cheese (Brevibacterium linens) is the same bacterium that causes foot odor.

I hope this was helpful…jerk.

I hope this turns you on...weirdo. (image source: wpclipart.com.)

I hope this does it for you…weirdo.
(image source: wpclipart.com.)

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