He claimed he was acting in self-defense.
He claimed it was because he was fending off a vicious attack.
He claimed his girlfriend was wielding a weapon.
What type of weapon would pose a threat so great to an off duty police officer, that it would necessitate assault against a woman?
- A gun?
- A knife?
- A big stick?
- A small stick with a sharp point?
- A rolling-pin? (This applies mainly to Andy Capp’s wife.)
- Mace, the medieval weapon?
- Mace, the chemical irritant?
- MACE, the Middleware Architecture Committee for Education? Sure, they seem like geeks, but they will rip you up.
- A big rock?
- A little rock if you chuck it really hard?
- An arrow poked into your eye?
- An arrow shot from a bow?
- A bow tie? (Wasn’t there a Bond villain named Bowtie who used bow ties as a weapon? Well, there should have been.)
- A Ukulele? (You wouldn’t be smirking right now if you’d ever been hit with a ukulele.)
- A Justin Bieber doll?
That’s right, he claimed she was wielding a Justin Bieber doll.
I imagine the interview between the arresting officer and his off duty colleague, went something like this:
Cop: she attacked you with a what now?
Suspect: you heard me.
Cop: I really don’t think I did.
Suspect: she attacked me with a Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: is “Justin Bieber doll” her pet name for a machete?
Suspect: no. She attacked with an actual Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: is it possible she hit you with a lead pipe, and in a concussed state, you imagined it was a Justin Bieber doll?
Suspect: it wasn’t a lead pipe; it was a Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: was she was wearing brass knuckles at the time?
Cop: could it have been a brick with Justin Bieber’s face painted on it?
Suspect: look, I have little Bieber face imprints all over my body. It’s horrifying–they’re just so smug.
Cop: was the Justin Bieber doll constructed of steel?
Suspect: no. It was just a regular Justin Bieber doll.
Cop: I don’t want to write that down.
I don’t know whether he was lying or not, but in the entire universe of possible lies, is that the one you would tell? Here’s a short list of things you could be attacked with, that bear less of a threat to your manhood:
- He-man doll.
- G.I. Joe doll.
- Any Star Wars action figure (Including Ewoks).
- Raggedy Andy doll.
- Raggedy Ann doll.
- Ken doll.
- Barbie doll.
- Career Day Barbie.
- Beach-wear Barbie.
- My Little Pony.
- Mr. Potato Head.
- Mrs. Potato Head.
- Cabbage Patch Kids.
- Small children throwing cabbage.
- Tickle Me Elmo.
- Justin Bieber himself.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to downplay how terrifying it must be to have Justin Bieber’s tiny face, repeating crashing into you. That’s an experience that haunts you forever… just ask Selena Gomez.