Beaker vs. Bieber: A Tale of the Tape
I stumbled upon this post from a few years ago and it made me chuckle. So here it is again.
There’s no denying it; it’s the question that we’ve all been asking ourselves.
It’s the question that haunts our dreams and torments our waking hours.
It’s the debate that has fractured marriages, ruined friendships, and spoiled countless family barbeques, when bitter arguments conclude with a meat fork in the side of Uncle Al’s head.
It has catalyzed barroom brawls, riots in the streets, and led to the declaration of martial law in Schenectady, New York.
It has resulted in a flood of 911 calls from people who are dazed, confused and in search of answers (and one guy who couldn’t find his car keys).
It has resulted in a flood of harried 911 operators (and one 911 operator who angrily uttered the phrase, “how should I know where your ****ing car keys are).
What is this debate: who would win in a throw-down between Justin Bieber and Beaker the muppet?
Let’s compare and contrast:
Beaker: He was created by Jim Henson in 1977.
Bieber: He was born in London, Canada in 1994.
Beaker: He was sewn into full adulthood and hasn’t aged a day since.
Bieber: He grew up in Stratford, Canada. (By grew up, I mean he got chronologically older.)
Beaker: He is operated by puppeteer who has a hand up his butt.
Bieber: Exactly the same.
Beaker: He speaks a language that seems to consist of only the word “meep” repeated over and over.
Bieber: He sings songs about…frankly I have no idea.
Beaker: He works as lab assistant for Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.
Bieber: He sings songs about…I’ve still got nothing.
Beaker: He always has a wild bug-eyed stare.
Bieber: He always looks stoned.
Strengths in a fight
Beaker: Working for Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, he’s been blown up, electrocuted, set on fire, shrunk, and deflated. Due to this he has developed an incredible resiliency.
Bieber: His many tussles with the paparazzi, glass doors, and a pissed off Selena Gomez, have toughened him.
Weaknesses in a fight
Beaker: He is primarily made of felt.
Bieber: He is Justin Bieber.