idiotpruf

Bieber Doll Beat Down

Last year an off duty police officer in Denver was arrested for allegedly assaulting his girlfriend.

He claimed he was acting in self-defense.

He claimed it was because he was fending off a vicious attack.

He claimed his girlfriend was wielding a weapon.

What type of weapon would pose a threat so great to an off duty police officer, that it would necessitate assault against a woman?

• A gun?
• A knife?
• A big stick?
• A small stick with a sharp point?
• A rolling-pin? (This applies mainly to Andy Capp’s wife.)
• Mace, the medieval weapon?
• Mace, the chemical irritant?
• MACE, the Middleware Architecture Committee for Education? Sure, they seem like geeks, but they will rip you up.
• A big rock?
• A little rock if you chuck it really hard?
• An arrow poked into your eye?
• An arrow shot from a bow?
• A bow tie? (Wasn’t there a Bond villain named Bowtie who used bow ties as a weapon? Well, there should have been.)
• A Ukulele? (You wouldn’t be smirking right now if you’d ever been hit with a ukulele.)
• A Justin Bieber doll?

That’s right, he claimed she was wielding a Justin Bieber doll.

I imagine the interview between the arresting officer and his off duty colleague, went something like this:

Cop: she attacked you with a what now?

Suspect: you heard me.

Cop: I really don’t think I did.

Suspect: she attacked me with a Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: is “Justin Bieber doll” her pet name for a machete?

Suspect: no. She attacked with an actual Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: is it possible she hit you with a lead pipe, and in a concussed state, you imagined it was a Justin Bieber doll?

Suspect: it wasn’t a lead pipe; it was a Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: was she was wearing brass knuckles at the time?

Suspect: no.

Cop: could it have been a brick with Justin Bieber’s face painted on it?

Suspect:  look, I have little Bieber face imprints all over my body. It’s horrifying–they’re just so smug.

Cop: was the Justin Bieber doll constructed of steel?

Suspect:  no. It was just a regular Justin Bieber doll.

Cop: I don’t want to write that down.

I don’t know whether he was lying or not, but in the entire universe of possible lies, is that the one you would tell? Here’s a short list of things you could be attacked with, that bear less of a threat to your manhood:

• He-man doll.
• G.I. Joe doll.
• Any Star Wars action figure (Including Ewoks).
• Raggedy Andy doll.
• Raggedy Ann doll.
• Ken doll.
• Barbie doll.
• Career Day Barbie.
• Beach-wear Barbie.
• My Little Pony.
• Mr. Potato Head.
• Mrs. Potato Head.
• Cabbage Patch Kids.
• Cabbage.
• Small children throwing cabbage.
• Tickle Me Elmo.
• Justin Bieber himself.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to downplay how terrifying it must be to have Justin Bieber’s tiny face, repeating crashing into you. That’s an experience that haunts you forever… just ask Selena Gomez.

Not to be used as a weapon.