In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger
You found this on your what?
So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:
feeling ill images
chiggers on testicles
Which comes first?
Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?
Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?
Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.
As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:
feeling ill images
horton hears a who
chiggers on testicles
How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?
Would he have been as protective of them?
Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?
What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?
And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?
Just something to think about.
Think about testicles.
I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.
idiotpruf 
There should be more children’s books revolving around chigger infestations.
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Okay, I’m pretty invested in that story for reasons I should probably address with my therapist, but we’re currently frying bigger fish so I’ma have to channel some Elsa and let it go for now. Point is, I feel uniquely qualified to answer your Horton questions, so let’s talk:
Yes, Horton would have felt exactly as protective of the chiggers, because that’s the whole moral of the book and also because Horton is a very lonely elephant, being the only one in the whole world and all.
Yes, he would have been just as harassed (possibly more so!) by the others, because goddammit, those are chiggers. Get to a doctor, you fuckwit!
No, the creepy vulture wouldn’t have stolen them. Would you? (if you would, let’s talk… because you’ve got some weird-ass hobbies, and I like that about a person)
The boiling in beezle-nut oil, as with all previous questions, would have played out much the same, except that this would have never been a children’s book. I’m not sure who would have published it, but I would definitely like to sit down and have a drink with that person. (Not just because they’re apparently willing to publish some truly horrifying things, but let’s be honest… I’d make a pitch.)
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