I am brimming with excitement and anticipation.
I am going to venture, intrepidly into the wilderness in the search for answers.
Bigfoot: does he exist? Is he out there? If he is out there, can I find him? If I do find him will I just pee myself and runaway? I probably will.
After exhaustive research (the Discovery Channel) of Bigfoot sightings, individuals who have made those sightings, and those who hunt for Bigfoot, I have prepared a list of all the things I will need to start my search:
- I will need a large wooded area. Luckily for me, I live in rural Pennsylvania. I also live in an area where there have been actual Bigfoot sightings over the years. Rural Pennsylvania is also good for UFO sightings, alien abductions, haunted graveyards, and roving bands of cannibals. (I’m joking about the roving bands of cannibals–the vast majority of our cannibals tend to be quite sedentary…probably from the people they eat.)
- It is also important for the area where you’re searching to have plenty of thick brush, large outcroppings of rock and thick walls of impenetrable fog and mist. The type of things that Bigfoot can quickly duck behind before you can get a clear picture of him.
- A camera that takes pictures that are out of focus, out of frame, and generally blurry.
- A FLIR thermal imaging camera. They’re great for picking up clear images of indistinct blobs.
- You need an abnormally high percentage of your wardrobe to be camouflage, including your underwear and your wallet.
- A motion activated camera. When motion enters their field of view it triggers a sensor, which promptly caused the camera to malfunction, burst into flames, and burn down half the woods.
- A gun rack for the back of my pickup truck.
- A pickup truck. (Preferably painted in camouflage.)
- Bullet hole decals for my pickup truck…bigfoot hunters are badass.
- The ability to pepper my vocabulary with the word squatchy regardless of context: I love what you’re done to your hair sweetheart–it’s squatchy.
- A skeptic.
It always important for a group of Bigfoot hunters to have with them a reasonable skeptic with an analytical mind. The skeptic’s job is to ground over-exuberant bigfoot hunters, to provide a measure of scientific process to the proceedings, and to be condescendingly snarky.
Skeptics say things to bigfoot hunters such as:
- It’s highly unlikely any type of simian would reside in these woods since they lack the requisite body fat for survival in a colder climate. We’re the only ones stupid enough to be wandering around the forest at night in this freaking cold.
- Hey, don’t drop that camouflage wallet out here, or you’ll be doing some serious hunting.
- A shower. Just once every day or two–think about it.
- No. I don’t think those truck noises out by the highway have anything to do with bigfoot.
- While a putrid sulfur smell is associated with bigfoot sightings, I don’t think that’s what this smell is from. Seriously…take a shower.
Once I have compiled all the necessary equipment from the list above and found myself a suitable skeptic, I will venture into the wilderness, and I will find the truth.
I may also get lost. If you don’t hear from me, send help.