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idiotprufs

the blog that made the pope laugh so hard he peed himself.

Archive for the day “March 1, 2017”

I’ve Missed Again

regret

My life is littered with regrets.

  • The time I saw that pretty girl and didn’t introduce myself.
  • The time I saw that pretty girl and did introduce myself. (The pepper spray was entirely uncalled for.)
  • Every time I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ right before doing something.
  • The time as a child I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove.
  • The time as an adult I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove. (I’m not sure what I thought would have changed, certainly not smoke alarms.)
  • The time my uncle told me to grab the electric fence behind my grandmother’s house…and I listened to him.
  • The shocking amount of times I’ve underestimated the power of electricity.
  • The time I was asked by a woman “how stupid do you think I am” and I gave a quantifying answer.
  • The time a woman asked me to guess her age and I answered her honestly.
  • The sheer disappointment certain to be felt by anyone searching for the Phil Collins classic Missed Again, and this blog is what they find instead.
  • The sheer disappointed this blog causes in general.
  • My Hello Kitty phase. (I’m just joking about this one–I regret nothing!)
  • That I have once again missed National Toothache Day.

That’s right. February 9th was National Toothache Day and I’ve completely missed it. The decorations never mad it out the box. And I completely forgot about the traditional National Toothache Day dinner: Gummi Bears, Mountain Dew, and a big heaping bowl of molasses, followed by poor oral hygiene.

I’d say don’t cry over spilled milk, but National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day was February 11th. I Missed that one too!

I’m starting to feel anxious, but National Stress Day isn’t until November 4th.

You have no idea how much that stresses me out!

From this point forward I’m marking my calendar.

I’ve already circled March 5th: National Multiple Personality Day. Last year I relied on one of my other personalities to remind me, but the only thing they ever tell me is to kill again.

But this year, we’ll be ready.

missed again

“You’ve missed again, idiotprufs.”

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Dear Critic

the critic

Due to recent events, I believe it’s time to dust-off this post from several years ago.

Dear critic,

I want to extend my deepest apologies to you. I know that I have failed you, as a blogger, and as a man.

I understand that my blog is not what you desire it to be.

But know this: I feel your pain.

Every time I stumble upon a blog about a person dealing with their battle with depression, I think to myself: why aren’t you blogging about pumpkins, or carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns, or pumpkin pie, or any gourd based pastry? How dare you blog about something that is important to you?

Every time I come across a blog about photography, I think: why so many pictures? Mountains, rivers, trees, children at play, it nauseates me? Why aren’t you blogging about foot fungus or calligraphy? Why aren’t you blogging about foot fungus, written in calligraphy? Shame.

I recently found a blog devoted strictly to the music of the Beatles. I know what you’re thinking: what about the Spice Girls? When are Scary, Sporty, Baby, Ginger, and Posh going to get their due? I have always felt that Victoria Beckham doesn’t get nearly the amount of press she deserves. You can suck up to Sir Paul McCartney all you want; he isn’t going to be your friend.

And when I find a blog about food, I think: why aren’t you blogging about your collection of toenail clippings? And if you don’t have a collection of toenail clippings, why not? All you need are toenail clippers, a mason jar, and a bit of a creepy bent. Time is wasting.

When I discover a blog about politics, I think: why aren’t you blogging about mimes…strike that, mimes suck.

You took me to task for not commenting on the Charlie Hebdo incident. You felt that, I, as a humor blogger (as lighthearted and funny as mass murder is) had a duty to stand up for freedom of speech. But isn’t freedom of speech also the right to choose what not to write about?

Note: Sorry, I was starting to make a serious point there. I will now counter it with a goofy image of baby chicks in jester hats.

Silly Chicks

That’s better.

And finally, when I come across a blog devoted to criticizing other blogs, I think: well done, you are doing yeoman’s work. Keep it up, you make the sun shine brighter.

So dear critic, in the future I will strive to do better.

Best regards,

idiotprufs

P.S. Oscar Wilde once wrote that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and yet the highest form of intelligence. If it the case that sarcasm is beyond your grasp: you suck.

Victoria Beckham

Don’t worry Victoria, we’ll get your face out there.

 

 

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