idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “March 2, 2017”

A Few Thoughts About Smuggling Horse Genitals

customs

“You can stay, but horse genitals have to go.”

You may have seen an odd story in the news a few weeks ago. A story about pair of women caught trying to smuggle 13 pounds of horse genitals into the country.

Two immediate thoughts leapt into my head.

  1. When you’ve been caught smuggling 13 pounds of horse genitals, you’ve likely taken a few missteps down the path of life. Weird irrevocable missteps.
  2. Your high school guidance counselor has failed you miserably.

The two women were carrying 13 pounds of horse genitals and three liters of yak milk.

Note: if I’ve learned anything from Martha Stewart, it’s that it is a major faux pas to serve horse genitals without the proper pairing of yak milk. You can also use a lighter bodied Zinfandel in a pinch.

One of the women claimed the genitals were needed for medicinal purposes.

Evidently smuggling 13 pounds of horse genitals is a cure for not being creepy.

Horsemeat is prohibited from entering the U.S. if it’s not accompanied by an official government horsemeat certification from the country it came from.

Note: am I the only person that finds it odd that ‘an official government horsemeat certification’ is a thing?

A Customs and Border Protection officer, a Mr. Ed, summed up the incident, “it was all just so horrifying.”

Mr. Ed

A customs officer being consoled after a horrifying discovery.

In Honor of Dr. Seuss Day: Horton Hears a Chigger

chigger

You found this on your what?

So the other day these search terms popped up consecutively on my stats page:

feeling ill images

chiggers on testicles

Which comes first?

Are you feeling ill, and then you discover it’s because you have chiggers on your testicles?

Or, do you discover that you have chiggers on your testicles, and that makes you feel ill?

home alone

Not only was Kevin left home alone, but he’s also discovered chiggers on his testicles.

As I was pondering this, the progression of search terms changed to this:

feeling ill images

horton hears a who

chiggers on testicles

How different would Theodor Geisel’s story been if Horton hadn’t heard a Who on a speck of dust, but had discovered chiggers on his testicles?

Would he have been as protective of them?

Would he have been equally harassed and ridiculed by kangaroos and monkeys?

What if Vladikoff the Vulture had tried to fly away with them?

And what if the monkeys and kangaroos had tried to boil them in Beezle-Nut oil?

Just something to think about.

Think about testicles.

horton hears a who

I think I can hear something, and it’s making me itch in an unspeakable place.

 

 

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