idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “vote”

King of Pennsylvania

kings crownToday is election day across the country. Excitingly, if my ballot initiative passes today I will become king of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

I must admit, there has been some opposition to the prospect of my becoming king of Pennsylvania. You could even categorize some of the opposition as extremely heavy.

I would be a kind and benevolent king. Sure, I’d have some people put to death, but nobody that would be missed; mostly bureaucrats and slack-jawed neighbors who live across the street.

Opponents of my initiative have put forth a myriad of ridiculous reasons why they think I shouldn’t be king of Pennsylvania. They carelessly throw around phrases like maniacally unhinged and dangerously unbalanced.

They offer proof such as:

  • We don’t have kings here in America–we’re not Canada.
  • My plans for a castle with a moat and turrets for canons would violate all kinds of zoning laws.
  • My plans to imprison every member of the zoning commission are unconstitutional.
  • They oppose my plans to create a new constitution for the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania that would allow me to imprison every member of the zoning commission and put canons wherever the hell I want.
  • They claim I really can’t be trusted with canons. (This one is fair–I would lay waste to things.)
  • They oppose my plans to declare war against New York State. (King Cuomo and I haven’t seen eye to eye for some time now.)
  • They oppose my plan to change Ground Hog Day to Red Panda Day.
  • They say my plans to turn the entire city of Erie into a maximum security prison, while understandable, are unrealistic.
  • They claim that I am a whack job who simply can’t be trusted with power of any kind.

While some or most of these point are valid, who cares, I want to be king.

So get out there vote.

Note: My previous ballot initiative (slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day) was a failure. Hopefully, this one fairs better.

I still don’t understand why my slap-an-idiot-in-the-face-day initiative failed. Everybody who voted against it is an idiot who should be slapped in the face–and there should be a day for it. 

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You Have Spoken

voted

After two days of intense voting the results are in.

It seems that nobody is concerned that I am a peon…and wisely so.

But it is very disconcerting that nobody seems to care about the mad scientists under Oprah’s house.

When Oprah and her minions of evil genius monkeys are ruling the world with an iron fist, don’t come crying to me–I tried to warn you. When everything is all weepy feelings and book clubs and the world reeks of monkey feces and buttermilk pancakes, it’s on you.

As I have always suspected about the readers of this blog: you’re very cold hearted. Very few of you care about the plight of toad lickers in this country. (But they’ll be ones right at home during Oprah’s reign.)

More of you care about Hillbillies and their weird faces. Have you considered maybe hillbillies have weird faces because they lick toads? I’ll bet you haven’t.

About the same amount of you care about having reasons for throwing rocks at things.

You probably want to throw rocks at hillbillies and their weird faces, or their toad licking brethren.

You’re all so heartless.

Many of you were concerned with the blowhard and his mostly jet black truck. (Throwing rocks at this guy and his mostly jet black truck would be wholly appropriate.)

But the most votes were cast for my former co-worker and his tragic conversation with a supervisor.

So my next post will be Let Me Explain.

Don’t throw rocks at my former co-worker–he has problems of his own.

stone

I’ll bet you want to throw this at a toad licker–you’re so heartless.

 

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