The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania
Exit polling revealed some the reasons for the initiative’s poor showing. Respondents said the following:
- Is that the idiot who’s digging the moat around his house?
- Seriously, who?
- I think I pepper-sprayed that guy once.
- I thought that was a joke–I voted yes. What the hell have I done.
- Man these genital warts really itch…sorry, what was your question again? Are you sure you don’t want your pencil back?
- Of course I voted yes; I think it’s a brilliant idea. Besides, the voices in my head told me to vote yes. The voices usually just tell me to kill.
Upon receiving only .0001 percent of the vote, (myself and couple of drunk guys) I’ve decided to change my tactics: I will take the state by force.
Once I have seized control of the state I will implement the following changes:
- I shall be referred to as: The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania.
- Anyone who doesn’t refer to me as The Prodigiously Powerful Potentate of Pennsylvania, will be incarcerated in Erie Penitentiary.
- The city of Erie will transformed into a maximum security penitentiary that will hold the most vile of criminals: murderers, violent felons, cannibals, mimes, thieves, and people who drive slowly in the passing lane. (Seriously, can’t you see that you’re screwing up traffic?)
- I will make Bigfoot the official bird of Pennsylvania. (Of course it makes no sense!)
- I will open a tattoo parlor and I will tattoo people with dreadful incompetence and when they complain, I’ll just say, “I’m not really a tattoo artist am I?”
- I’ll put wifi in every building in the state, but only I will know the password.
- Every hour of the day will be happy hour.
- Every first born child will be named Finster–boy or girl.
- My daughter, Finster, shall be referred to as The Prodigiously Powerful Princess of Pennsylvania. (Her close friends will call her Sally.)
- I shall deal with any person who says “lol” out loud in lieu of actual laughter, with an iron fist.
- I will have an iron fist constructed.
- I will seize control of the Amish Mafia. (And they won’t be able to stop me–I’ll have an iron fist.)
- Every road leading into Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Foreplay Avenue.
- Every road leading from Intercourse, Pennsylvania will be renamed Faked Orgasm Avenue.
- And most crucially: Ground Hog Day will be replaced with Red Panda Day. (Red Pandas aren’t afraid of their shadows, they pee on them.)
If all goes well, I may annex West Virginia.