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idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “October, 2017”

A Simple Solution

bad neighbors

The neighbors from across the street.

Do you have neighborhood kids whose typical daily behavior allows you to describe them, without fear of gratuity or contradiction, as vicious rampaging beasts?

Do you have neighborhood kids who trample your rose bushes?

Do you have neighborhood kids who kick over your garden gnomes and pee on them?

Of course you do.

Do you also have slack-jawed dull-witted neighbors who sit on their front porch all day and intently watch everything you do as they suck down bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and smoke hand rolled cigarettes?

Do these neighbors frequently come over to your house to complains about things?

Do they complain that the squirrels living in the pine tree in your backyard make too much noise with their incessant chittering?

Do they complain that these squirrels keep dropping pine cones into their yard in a defiant and cocky manner?

Do they also claim the squirrels are stealing their mail and even responding to some of it?

Do you have neighbors who have done an enormous amount of hallucinogenic drugs in their life?

Of course you do.

Are sick of buying raffle tickets every time someone in town wants to send their kid to cheerleader camp?

How many camps does it take to learn to be cheery?!

I have a simple solution to your problem: a moat!

For only $99.99 you can receive a complete do it yourself moat installation kit.

The kit includes:

  • A shovel.
  • A garden hose.
  • A piranha starter kit. (One male and one female…hopefully, it’s hard to tell.)
  • Detailed instructions on how to properly use a shovel and a hose without inadvertently trapping yourself in a mud filled hole…it happens to people!

And when you’re not using the shovel to dig the moat, it can be effectively used to whomp undesirable visitors over the head. (You’ll probably have to deal with some mealy-mouthed guy from the borough, droning on and on about what residential properties are or aren’t zoned for.)

So order now and you too can know the security of your own moat!

Drawbridge not included.

shovel

Handy tool/effective head whomper.

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Glenwood Residents Concerned Common People Will Rent Neighborhood House

Another post from Gooferie.

gooferie

Gladys_KravitzMembers of the Glenwood Association are expressing concern that a house in their neighborhood is being rented out to people who can’t afford to buy a house there.

“This is very unsettling,” said Glenwood resident Ron Cokun, “You should see some of the cars these renters are driving. Not one Mercedes or BMW – and some of the cars are over three years old!”

Peeking out her window as a car pulled into the driveway of the house in question, neighborhood resident Paula McMorris said, “You can tell by just looking at their hands that these people do manual labor for a living. My parents didn’t give me every advantage in life so I could live in a neighborhood with people like that!”

Board member Tom C. Baldt agreed, “There are other parts of the city where these renters would feel more comfortable, being around their own kind. Why can’t…

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Seriously, I Don’t Want to Dance

the office dancing

Do you really want David Brent as a role model?

It would seem not everyone got the message the first time this post was published. So here it is again–soak it in.

Why is this world polluted with people who are determined to make me dance? Loud, pushy, abrasive, overbearing, manipulative, overlords of what is or is not judged to be enjoyable. People who won’t take no for an answer. People who believe they have a better grasp of what’s in my brain than I do.

What I say: I don’t want to dance.

What they hear: I pretend I don’t want to dance, but secretly, it’s my deepest yearning. If it weren’t for debilitating fear and self-loathing, I’d be out on the dance floor right now, living the dream.

What I say: seriously, I don’t want to dance.

What they hear: if only there were some loud, pushy, abrasive, overbearing, manipulative, overlord of what is or is not judged to be enjoyable, to goad and badger me into doing what I’ve secretly always wanted to do anyway.

What I say: get away from me you drooling half-wit.

What they hear: grab my arm like a slack-jawed oaf, and physically drag me onto the dance floor.

I am not responsible for anything that happens from that moment forward. I am certain the person who coined the phrase, “justifiable homicide” was just some poor fellow who earnestly didn’t want to dance.

Note: I’m sure when his jaw is no longer wired shut, the person described in the scenario above, will apologize to me.

Let’s make one thing clear: just because you like a certain thing, it doesn’t follow that every other human should also like that thing. Loads of different people like loads of different things.

Jeffrey Dahmer quite enjoyed killing people, hacking them up, eating them, and stowing the leftovers in his freezer. I can write with a relative degree of certainty, most human beings wouldn’t much care for that.

I have never once thought to myself: killing people, hacking them up, eating them, and stowing the leftovers in my freezer, seems like a horrific and frankly evil thing to do…but Jeffrey Dahmer thought it was a lovely thing to do. Perhaps I’m looking at this all backwards. I’ve got plenty of room in my freezer, and there are several acquaintances in my sphere of influence I could readily live without (mostly the few who try to make me dance).

If only the local learning annex offered some course on beginner cannibalism. It’s all scrapbooking this and scrapbooking that, down at that place.

And I don’t need to be the center of attention to enjoy myself–in fact, it’s preferable not to be.

Just because I’m not standing on a chair, singing Love Shack at the top of my lungs, juggling shot-glasses, while I wildly thrust my hips into the air in a suggestive manner, doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself.

I don’t see life through the same self-absorbed prism as you.

You imagine I’m thinking: if only I could summon the courage, that would be me on that chair.

When I’m really thinking: if only I could summon the courage, I would kick that chair from under that jackasses feet. That would make me smile.

Also, don’t tell me to smile.

I smile plenty.

I smile when it’s appropriate.

I smile when I’m happy, when I’m with my friends, when something good happens.

I smile when a jackass falls from his chair and shot-glasses cascade across his face.

Note: sometimes I summon the courage.

People who go around smiling for no apparent reason are mental. I am not mental (fingers crossed).

crazy smile

This is how you appear to the rest of the world.

Being a naturally quiet person or an introvert is not a problem that needs to be fixed–just leave me be.

What the Hell?

The following search terms popped up on search terms page in this order:

  • fat naked hillbillies
  • floppy breasted women
  • what mushrooms not to eat out of cow poop

What the hell is wrong with you people?

And more importantly: what’s wrong with me that those search terms direct people to this blog?

mushrooms

Dig in.

Glass Houses

glass houseI’ve heard the saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Why do live in a glass house to begin with? It seems to me if you live in a glass house your decision making capabilities are already in question.

Do you know how hard it is to insure a house that’s made of glass? Of course you don’t–you not foolish to live in a glass house.

All it takes is one snot-nosed neighbor kid with slingshot to cause catastrophic damage. (I’m looking at you Gerald.)

And forget about throwing stones, if you live in a glass house you shouldn’t be engaging in any activity of questionable behavior; everyone can see what you’re doing.

Those slack-jawed neighbors that live across the street, sitting on their front steps all day, smoking cigarettes and sucking down Beer brand beer, already seem to know everything you do. Just imagine if you lived in a glass house.

What kind of weird and disgusting behavior do you think those people have going on in their house? You don’t know because they don’t live in a glass house.

What a stupid saying.

glass houses

My apologies to anyone who came to this post searching for information about the Billy Joel album Glass Houses. To everyone else: I just apologize in general.

 

What the Hell is That?

reindeeer with glowing antlers

“You’ve got nothing on me Rudolph.”

In what is being hailed as the technological breakthrough of the century, a group of Finnish scientists have created a new breed of radioactive reindeer.

Note: The Finnish are often referred to as the technological juggernauts of the world. After all, they gave us Angry Birds.

“We are the technological juggernauts of the world,” one of the leading Finnish researchers, Johannes Korhonen, stated at a recent press conference. It seems the Finnish have developed a new breed of radioactive reindeer they claim will revolutionize the world.

Here at idiotprufs I was able to secure an interview with Dr. Korhonen.

idiotprufs: So, why radioactive reindeer?

Dr. Korhonen: Frankly, we just got sick of inducing cancer in lab rats, I mean, we’ve absolutely done that to death. So we decided to move on to something bigger.

idiotprufs: That’s a pretty big jump from lab rats to reindeer.

Dr. Korhonen: It is. At first we tried it with badgers, but those things are freaking nuts. A bunch of them got loose, knocked over one of the researches, chewed his ears off, and ran away with them.

idiotprufs: Wow.

Dr. Korhonen: Then they came back and taunted him.

idiotprufs: That’s horrible.

Dr. Korhonen: Indeed. They’d already taken his ears–there was no need to say those horrible things about his mother.

idiotprufs: The badgers can talk?

Dr. Korhonen: Of course not.

idiotprufs: Then how did you know they were saying things about his mother?

Dr. Korhonen: It was in their body language.

idiotprufs: Okay? I’m just curious, why do you consider this to be an advancement that will revolutionize the world?

Dr. Korhonen: Are you serious? We have practically developed a cure for not being radioactive.

idiotprufs: Is not being radioactive a big problem?

Dr. Korhonen: Not anymore. Did you know that due to their glowing antlers, the incidents of reindeer being struck by motorists, have greatly decreased over the past year?

idiotprufs: But what about the fact that the incidents of Finnish motorists screaming, “what the hell is that?” and careening off the road have greatly increased over the past year?

Dr. Korhonen: One problem at a time.

The interview then ended abruptly when a pack of frenzied badgers chased Dr. Korhonen from the room. They seemed angry. One of them had an ear.

hans gruber idiotprufs

Dr. Johannes Korhonen, he looks vaguely like that guy from Die Hard.

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