idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the tag “neighbors”

A Simple Solution

bad neighbors

The neighbors from across the street.

Do you have neighborhood kids whose typical daily behavior allows you to describe them, without fear of gratuity or contradiction, as vicious rampaging beasts?

Do you have neighborhood kids who trample your rose bushes?

Do you have neighborhood kids who kick over your garden gnomes and pee on them?

Of course you do.

Do you also have slack-jawed dull-witted neighbors who sit on their front porch all day and intently watch everything you do as they suck down bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and smoke hand rolled cigarettes?

Do these neighbors frequently come over to your house to complains about things?

Do they complain that the squirrels living in the pine tree in your backyard make too much noise with their incessant chittering?

Do they complain that these squirrels keep dropping pine cones into their yard in a defiant and cocky manner?

Do they also claim the squirrels are stealing their mail and even responding to some of it?

Do you have neighbors who have done an enormous amount of hallucinogenic drugs in their life?

Of course you do.

Are sick of buying raffle tickets every time someone in town wants to send their kid to cheerleader camp?

How many camps does it take to learn to be cheery?!

I have a simple solution to your problem: a moat!

For only $99.99 you can receive a complete do it yourself moat installation kit.

The kit includes:

  • A shovel.
  • A garden hose.
  • A piranha starter kit. (One male and one female…hopefully, it’s hard to tell.)
  • Detailed instructions on how to properly use a shovel and a hose without inadvertently trapping yourself in a mud filled hole…it happens to people!

And when you’re not using the shovel to dig the moat, it can be effectively used to whomp undesirable visitors over the head. (You’ll probably have to deal with some mealy-mouthed guy from the borough, droning on and on about what residential properties are or aren’t zoned for.)

So order now and you too can know the security of your own moat!

Drawbridge not included.

shovel

Handy tool/effective head whomper.

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Glass Houses

glass houseI’ve heard the saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Why do live in a glass house to begin with? It seems to me if you live in a glass house your decision making capabilities are already in question.

Do you know how hard it is to insure a house that’s made of glass? Of course you don’t–you not foolish to live in a glass house.

All it takes is one snot-nosed neighbor kid with slingshot to cause catastrophic damage. (I’m looking at you Gerald.)

And forget about throwing stones, if you live in a glass house you shouldn’t be engaging in any activity of questionable behavior; everyone can see what you’re doing.

Those slack-jawed neighbors that live across the street, sitting on their front steps all day, smoking cigarettes and sucking down Beer brand beer, already seem to know everything you do. Just imagine if you lived in a glass house.

What kind of weird and disgusting behavior do you think those people have going on in their house? You don’t know because they don’t live in a glass house.

What a stupid saying.

glass houses

My apologies to anyone who came to this post searching for information about the Billy Joel album Glass Houses. To everyone else: I just apologize in general.

 

Meet Some More New Neighbors

I have been made to realize that previous “Meet the New Neighbors” list was woefully incomplete. So here it is: more things that you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth.

  • Can you help us out with bail for our nephew? We can pay you back once we get the meth lab up and running.
  • You’ll have to excuse my wife, she has a form of voluntary Tourette’s syndrome. Your home is lovely, and your wife doesn’t at all have the appearance of a fat slutty whore.
  • This seems like a nice quiet neighborhood where we can await the return of the mothership.
  • I love this big spacious backyard, it’s perfect for burying the evidence…er, planting a garden.
  • I don’t see any cinder blocks in your front yard; where do you keep all of your old appliances?
  • I’m going to paint my entire house hot pink, with giant flaming skulls on the side. Man is the property value around here going to soar.
  • We really needed to find a bigger home; we were running out of room. I’ll tell you, swamp rats really multiply fast.
  • We had to move from out last neighborhood; all our neighbor’s homes kept burning down. Nobody knew why. Billy, put down those matches and come meet the new neighbors.
  • We’re the Mitchells, and this is our son Dennis. Sorry about that welt on your forehead, Dennis is a crack shot with that slingshot of his.
  • You’re going to love living next to us. We’re quiet as church mice; we’re really into mime.
  • It’s okay, you can shake my hand, leprosy isn’t nearly as contagious as most people think.
  • This is our son Damien, some people think he’s the antichrist, but really he’s just mischievous. But seriously, if you see him on a tricycle, back away.
  • The witness protection people put me here because I whacked like fifty people, and then I ratted out the family to stay off death row…Oh crap, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that…My name is Ed, and I’m an accountant.
  • I’m Paris Hilton and I’ll be doing a reality show in the home next to yours. It’s going to be called, “I’m Better Than You Because I’m Rich And Skinny, And Just A Tad Slutty.” It’s going to be great.
bad neighbor

“I’m really into topiary.”

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