The neighbors from across the street.
Do you have neighborhood kids whose typical daily behavior allows you to describe them, without fear of gratuity or contradiction, as vicious rampaging beasts?
Do you have neighborhood kids who trample your rose bushes?
Do you have neighborhood kids who kick over your garden gnomes and pee on them?
Of course you do.
Do you also have slack-jawed dull-witted neighbors who sit on their front porch all day and intently watch everything you do as they suck down bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and smoke hand rolled cigarettes?
Do these neighbors frequently come over to your house to complains about things?
Do they complain that the squirrels living in the pine tree in your backyard make too much noise with their incessant chittering?
Do they complain that these squirrels keep dropping pine cones into their yard in a defiant and cocky manner?
Do they also claim the squirrels are stealing their mail and even responding to some of it?
Do you have neighbors who have done an enormous amount of hallucinogenic drugs in their life?
Of course you do.
Are sick of buying raffle tickets every time someone in town wants to send their kid to cheerleader camp?
How many camps does it take to learn to be cheery?!
I have a simple solution to your problem: a moat!
For only $99.99 you can receive a complete do it yourself moat installation kit.
The kit includes:
- A shovel.
- A garden hose.
- A piranha starter kit. (One male and one female…hopefully, it’s hard to tell.)
- Detailed instructions on how to properly use a shovel and a hose without inadvertently trapping yourself in a mud filled hole…it happens to people!
And when you’re not using the shovel to dig the moat, it can be effectively used to whomp undesirable visitors over the head. (You’ll probably have to deal with some mealy-mouthed guy from the borough, droning on and on about what residential properties are or aren’t zoned for.)
So order now and you too can know the security of your own moat!
Drawbridge not included.
Handy tool/effective head whomper.